I Won't Be Denied Anymore

When I take a photo over at my parents house, my mom always says, "please don't post it on Facebook!" I understand how she feels now, because I sometime can become annoyed when people take pictures of me and don't ask if they can do so, and then post them online.

There seem to be no value of privacy or intimacy anymore, for some. It seems to be all about putting everything and anything online and seeing how many LIKES or comments they get - even if its someone else's worst day, or sitting in a doctors exam room. EVERYTHING is a potential headline for these people. I'd like to think that when I post something, it wasn't viewed this way, but now understand how it can.

I really became sensitive to this when I went somewhere with some people who seemed more interested in taking pictures as if they were documenting everything through posed pseudo memories. It felt forced, and fake. It's not because I felt unhappy with the way that I looked, or even the fact that they were taking the pictures.

I was annoyed because they were posting them immediately to Facebook and more engaged with everyone online, than they were with me. I felt used, like a prop. I also felt that there was no boundaries and nothing special that day was shared between just us... and it occurred to me, there probably never would be, either.

After this trip, I started to examine things more carefully, and resentment started to build, which ultimately, made me fearful of wanting to be around others who seemed more interested in feeding their followers online like pigeons, than creating special moments together and exploring places we'd only know about.

What better way to get MORE pigeons to land at your feet and follow you than to toss them some fresh seeds?

I'm not saying posting all content online is a bad thing, when done in moderation, dignity and everyone's consent. Heck, I check-in on Facebook regularly and have a large following. But I''d like to think that I've done so not at the cost of being detached from my job, friends and family in the real world. My job also requires me to conduct business online because I often Skype with clients who contact me through Facebook.

But, when someone's life, and home, is literally falling in on its self, and their focus revolves around a routine of jumping online first thing in the morning, throughout the day via smartphones and tablets, and ultimately put themselves to sleep by the glow of Facebook on their laptop, bedside, doubling as a nightlight... there's a problem.


I posted in 2006 some of my baby photos and different pictures of my family online in my private blog. I did so to share with the world some of my journey and the pain I was going through. It helped a lot because people identified with what I was going through and bridged the gap of isolation I felt, while my family was struggling to come to terms. But posting these photos and information had an unforeseen price, because ultimately, my family and friends found my private blog, and the ripples of that, are still felt today.

They felt exposed.

I guess that's why I slowed down blogging, because I didn't feel that I had much to share for the longest time. I didn't want to share something like a photo or a thought, simply to keep the pigeons coming back, fat and happy. I wanted to share when I was ready to, and for genuine reasons.

When I point the knife towards myself, I remember taking my own kids to get baby pictures at Sears Portraits - and they ARE precious memories. The last thing I would want to see is them posted 30 years later online associated with something else that questions those memories as being invalid or a lie.


I am really sorry Mom...

...you did have a little boy. That was real.

I just never felt like one on the inside. It was painful to live that way. I needed to do what I did to feel better about me - to be actualized and reach my full potential. I never wanted to hurt you, or anyone else. I wish there was a better way I could have approached things, but I failed to find the opening among everything else in our lives, to do so. This was not anyone's fault and I do not blame anyone or have anger or resentment for the gift of my life. I just wanted to be at peace with myself, and now, I am.


I can't and wouldn't take back what I have done. I am not sorry for transitioning. It has been the best thing I ever did for myself and my family. I just wish, you all would give me a chance again to be a real contributing part of the family. I want to be there when someone gets married, or needs help moving, or when someone dies... I feel striped of my right to grieve - unable to have closure or commune in holiday traditions. My only time to do so, is after everyone leaves, and to touch the cold marble of a head stone and pray for healing... what gives someone the right to deny me this?

My only consolation has been to develop a window to look through on Facebook, into the lives of those who have rejected me... to have some sense of belonging... to have some base of support - to feel like I belong.

Please, stop punishing me, because, I'm done from running and punishing myself...

....and, I won't be denied anymore.

Today, WeTV re-aired our ABC episode "Family Secrets." If you have found my blog, as a result of the show, I invite you all to get to know more about me, and follow me on my other adventures.

Our family is currently filming a new made for TV movie. It will appear in early 2013.

If you would like to know more about that, stay connected with me on Facebook, or any of the following places... I promise, I don't bite... much.


You can subscribe to my Facebook Profile here

Check out my two Social Networks I have personally built, for trans people.

PINKessence.com

TRUessence.org


If you would like to email me personally, you can do so at chloeprince@sbcglobal.net





Thanks for stopping by :)

Its Complicated

If your not transgender, lesbian, gay or someone that gets thrown into the catch-all bin of being labeled a "life styler," then you may be shocked to know what some people you have the utmost respect, love and devotion for might say to you, when the illusion of being "normal" is removed.

Imagine going to work, or church --maybe the salon-- or even family functions, and instead of the usual conversations one would expect --hows the kids, hows the job, hows your mother-- you're asked in front of your friends, family, co-workers or even your children "so, do you like men now?" 

When you're a person of Transsexual experience, you become fair-game. All the normal social filters most people have when engaging someone in a conversation are seen as completely unnecessary when someone spills the "T"...

"oh, your trans - cool. Soooo, do you have periods, or what?"

[...and you thought the worst thing about family reunions was getting a big old wet kiss on the lips from Aunt Bunny!] 

What is still difficult for me to sort out in social situations, is when you're being treated like a woman, and when your being treated like a Transsexual.

Having lived 32 years presenting as a young handsome white heterosexual male, had its privileges.

The "adjustment" in transitioning from male to female, is learning to gauge social situations without having any former "female" experiences or privilege to compare from.

How can one learn and adjust to this, if they are not seen as "just" a woman... but rather, something "other than" a woman?

Thats my dilemma as a woman who's transgender history is public knowledge. As a result of that, I've become my own worst critic.

Over the past 6 years, I have developed an atitude that "if I know" that even one person in the room knows I'm Trans, then the safe bet is, they all know. Being an "Out" Trans person, I am guilty running everything I see and hear, through my Transgender-filters, which can have me self defeating myself in social situations, before they can even begin.

While in California, waiting for a meeting with network executives, I was running into a Starbucks to get some change for the parking meter, when a nice handsome man jumped out of his chair to hold the door for me. He said, "Something compelled me to come over and talk to you - your energy is amazing, and you have a lovely smile. May I buy you Coffee?" 

I said, "thats nice - but I'm just here to get some change for the meter.."  He dug into his pocket and said, "here... take what you need... coffee??" After talking to him a bit, I found out he is a terrific guy.

Meeting men, is not a problem for me --or women-- and interestingly enough, I get more offeres now from women, than I ever did as a man. Hot women. Young Women. Straight, Gay... you name it.

But, do they like me? or the exotic flavor of my trans nature?

The guy at Starbucks had no clue. But lets just say I decided to take his bait, and see where things go. In this digital age [and being Chloe Prince - public Transsexual] chances are, he'll know who I am before he's done paying for the coffee... then what?

What if the guy from Starbucks doesn't care, but his family, friends and people he works with, do care? Would we as a couple dating be forced into another closet?

What if he didn't Google me, and we went out on a date, but then he later found out - What if he felt tricked? He could be extremely hurt and distrustful of Trans people in the future - or even violent.

The "how", "when", and for "what reasons" I tell someone of my past, is something I still wrestle with, with each person I meet... its incredibly complex.

It is easy to understand now why many Transgender people will find comfort in settling into relationships with each-other - a subject that has very few references or exposure to gleam from for examples or advice.

I personally have been attracted to Female-to-Male, and Male-to-Female Trans people in various stages of transition, --not because of their gender-- but for the security of being in safe harbor in the dating pool together, rather than having to deal with the complex nature of dating non-transgender people. 

I wonder sometimes if this is why some men and women enter into what could appear as homosexual relationships, but really, are not sexual at all? Rather, they love one another, for the "person" they are, and not in a sexual way.

This reminds me of a time when I resented my wife Rene in the worse way, because she refused to identify herself as a lesbian.

I felt that if Rene didn't identify as lesbian [but STILL wanted to remain in a mariage together] then by default, that made me STILL the husband in the relationship - and not "just" a woman who happens to love her spouse.  

This was a deal breaker for me. I was so uncomfortable and hurt after 5 years of trying to settle for living in her shadow as the "husband that transitioned," that in November of 2010, I filed for divorce to free myself and finally live completely as a woman and mother of my own right.

We have remained supportive of one another , and for now, still  live together, but are working towards moving on.

Rene shares her feelings in this letter, on the way she views our relationship now...

How can I still have a relationship with a person who is no longer my husband, but a woman? It’s easy when you still love the same heart and soul.  

No, I’m not gay. I don’t have that physical desire. I’m just continuing on. 

Years ago, when Chloe had a “date” with a male, it was interesting to hear how she felt. She really enjoyed the balance and protective feeling that a man can offer - and, as a woman, she could now appreciate what she took away from me, Ted's wife.  

I know Chloe is very attractive and does cause attention with her shape and stature. Men like voluptuous women. But it doesn’t bother me when she gets more attention.

Once, at a family picnic, there was a man there whom spent some time trying to talk with Chloe. It didn’t bother me at all. I’m glad for her and glad that she is an attractive woman. We are two completely different people and I am not in competition with her. I think it would be awesome if there was some wonderful man that would sweep her off of her feet.

But then again, I really would like our family to stay together because I do still love and care about her. 

God knows what we need, and I have faith He will sort it out.

For me, Rene will always be Ted's wife, in my heart... and that is why I take care of her - protect her and love and support her, even if it means one day, having to let her go. We are both open to dating and seeing others... but for now, our Facebook Relationship Status remains

Its complicated

Hollywood and The Gravity of Authenticity

Coming home...

If you’ve ever closed down an amusement park -pitching your best ring-toss game- and still went home without that big pink plush bunny for your kids, then you’d know exactly how I’m feeling right about now – a winner that ran out of time because the park closed… 

...I hate leaving empty handed. 

But did I?

Maybe its not what we take away, but what we leave behind, that matters – in this recent trip to Hollywood to see networks, a good impression, might just mean a season of shooting for LA LA Land. It might also have been another lesson in tough love on the road to finding my true self...

If you're preparing for the same journey, feel free to borrow my bottle - I've made plenty... 

For those of you that haven’t a clue about what I am talking about, bear with me and I’ll do my best to humbly connect the dots and illustrate the events of my life over the past year.

I’m here at LAX in route back to Ohio. I’ve spent the last week visiting TV networks with RelativityREAL, a production company that has contractually signed me to a deal to do a Television project with them. Who is RelativityREAL? 

Have ya ever heard of Extreme Make Over: Home Edition?  Nuff said.

Pitching networks was interesting – not so much because of the process of selling the “concept,” -it was cool- but having spent years being a sales person for different businesses, selling multi-million dollar networks and software licensing to fortune 50 companies; lets just say, it takes a lot for me to break a sweat… but, pitching networks? Well… it had me feeling like a kid sitting outside the principals office, singled out as the ring leader whom the teachers fear may be “spiking the fruit punch” with my Tranny cooties.

My mission: Convince them spiking the cool-aid could be fun ;)

The interesting part of pitching (for me), was, the unexpected bleeding process of opening up and laying my soul out naked to these people (over and over again), and then waiting for the crystallization of all eyes in the room to arrive at critical mass of “AhhhhHHH HA!”

Interesting also because, each pitch, was unexpectedly unique – which, to be honest, I had prepared and brought a canned presentation on my laptop. Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans… I decided to just go with the flow – I’m so glad I did.

As I recounted “my story” each time, it kept bringing me back into realms of complex situations that still have no “box” to fit into; expired prescriptions for wounds on the mend, and, relationships I still haven’t found closure for, or are currently looking to find footing in, or back into.  

Turns out, in many ways, what I thought was “a fix,” was in reality, a Band-Aid on scares that have yet to heal. And that’s what really has me coming down out of the pink cloud on my way back to Ohio today…

…the gravity of Authenticity.

Taking inventory over my life in the coming year, I plan to examine this, and make some drastic changes, that probably should have been done, along time ago. I can’t take on a project like this, without being completely honest with myself, and forth coming with others.

Its not that I “lie.” I think I’ve just been in denial about something’s, and selfish in other areas – either not wanting to give up “privilege” or afraid of living life without a net in the real world, as a woman, because honestly, I’m still trying to figure out where my place is and who I am.

The “lie” is actually “me” trying to convince myself that what I am doing, is ok… and what I have been doing is running from what it truly means to be a woman, because I have not accepted that others accept me… and I realize, I am still in a place where I am looking for acceptance – and if I can’t get it, I run to a place I can create it, instead of working towards it… escaping back into my privilege of Ted’s old world. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Now it makes sense…

…I’ve been haunted by something Rene once texted me… I wrote her… “why do I feel like I want to run away when I am with you, then feel so bad when I’m away from you?”

Her reply?

“Because. You know what your doing, is wrong.”

She was right - what I had been doing… is trying to escape from a very selfish feeling. Easier to escape, and blame it on a cold war that could never be won because it had no name, then to own up to the fact I’m the only one with swords drawn.

You see, in many ways, Rene has been a safety blanket from having to fully adjust and “be” a woman all of my own - and just like BEFORE my transition, I’m starting to resent her for something that is not even her fault: being a woman in my life. 

Notice I said a woman “all of my own” and not “on my own.” 

There’s a big difference there. And that’s where I think I got confused… escaping – a natural feeling I think that comes when we are scared.

But why do I feel this way towards Rene? 

I think its because she reminds me that I am not stepping up - and there are a few reasons for that. I used to convince myself I was fearful of overshadowing her place in the marriage as “the wife” and as the “mother” to our children… but those were just convenient excuses of a chicken shit cross dressing husband.

The truth is… being Ted was just easier.

I said “easier”, not better - not worse.

You see, “Chloe” has benefited from the fruits of Ted’s life – but now, she must start over… and there is a lot of gravity in that statement… and I’ve been scared to accept that. I think that’s why I allowed “Ted’s” life to come crumbling down around me, “Chloe.”

I stood by and did nothing as the equities of Ted’s life vanished. No one else was doing anything to stop it either – I think that is because their hope was that the rubble that is his commitments and responsibilities would crush Chloe back into Ted. But then again, that might be me (Chloe) looking for an excuse to be “ok” with what’s happened… and I’m not ok – it was my fault, and I need to own that.

Resentment sucks…

…I’m sorry Rene.

Question now is, how do I fix this?

But I digress…

Your probably wondering, how did the meetings go?

Well, its funny - when you put your best foot forward – when you give something all you’ve got… and that “something” is you?

For me, this was the pitch of my lifetime. I’ve always been someone to close the deal in the room… but not this time – and I’m learning “that’s ok.” Because, that’s not how this town works.  The good news? 

We “brought it.”

Not everyone gets the chance to have Box Seats at the Kentucky Derby that is Hollywood - let alone ride in it. Well, I not only rode in that race, I rode the horse with a track record of being a winner, time and time again. Pictured (left to right) Julie Link, Senior VP of Relativity, me, Tom Forman, President of Relativity, and Adriane Hopper, President of En Light Productions whom is in co-production with this project.

RelativityReal is one of the largest unscripted television production companies in Hollywood. More importantly - Tom, Julie, Adriane, and a whole team of people consisting of lawyers and agents believe in me, and the project, and have put their name and passion behind it. If it’s going to happen – this is the dream team that will make it happen.

The actual pitch meetings were photo finishes, leaving the networks deliberating if the legs on this horse can be another one of their prized show ponies.

…It’s in God’s hands now.

After the meetings --and then too later resting back at the suite-- I started to think about the possibilities and challenges this project will present on my life.  I have no doubt the usual suspects with their usual Bee-Sting attacks, will launch their literary nukes at me, the way they did Chaz Bono.

Surprisingly, some of the nastiest ones that came at me after the ABC Primetime special my family was in,  came right from within our own Trans community.  Jealousy takes many forms, – and “sorry”, but I have chosen to Opt-Out and rise above all the critics, haters, and armchair keyboard activist arguing over umbrella term politics and religious views on all things Trans. These people are irrelevant, and will be completely ignored, as I will not allow myself to become part of anyone’s agenda – good, or bad. Its like, everyone needs me to be something, for them – some need to demonize me – some need to adopt me. Stop that.

People: My story is my own – stop trying to co-opt me into some reservation, that brings balance to your needs. You’re you. I’m me… and then there’s that space in between. Think about it.

Anyway… about the project…

Well, all’s I’m aloud to say right now is, this project will be transformative in many ways -For a TV network because there is nothing like it, especially the way RelativityReal is planning on bring it in to focus - Its genius! Transformative because, it bridges over that confounding gap between men and women. ….and transformative in the way we think about love, relationships and parenting that will transcend and speak to everyone. Its also ground breaking in concept how it will parachute into the lives of others and ultimately transform them and the audience too, in the way we perceive and understand one another.

Wish us luck…

More meetings to come, I’m sure.

 ---SUBSCRIBE and FOLLOW Chloe's Blog HERE---

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TransStation Demarcation - Reloaded

Transgender people often find themselves having to face making a series of re-evaluations or "concessions" to commitments, truths and even values they once accepted as absolute.

Its important to note that Transgender people seek "authenticity" --to find and "be" their most truest self-- and along the way, [to an outsider or someone involved with a Transgender person] they could easily mistake these concessions and re-evaluations as being former deceptions, or lies.

For example, when I first began my transitional journey, I told myself [and my wife] that I just wanted to wear panties and a bra because I needed to and promised to never need to wear a skirt or makeup. 

As time went on, my needs changed. BUT, at the time, this WAS my only needs.

So, on the surface, it looked like I lied to myself [and to my wife] but the reality here is I didn’t know that I would grow beyond that need.

Now my wife thinks I am a liar reneging on our deal that "it" would remain there.

As you travel down the line of transition, there are few mile markers - and even less signals or instruction.

Trans demarcations are "station points" we as Transgenders change which train of reality and truth we are traveling on. When we make a discovery, we are forever changed in the matter or view, and cannot go backward down the line. We can only keep moving forward.

Whether you cross one of these demarcation points in your mind --or a personal growth within your life or transition-- it’s important to point these demarcations out to those around you, as they happen.


For non-Transgender people dealing with someone that is, its best to prepare yourself. The Transgender person is revolutionizing and redefining themselves, right before your eyes, each day. One day they may like vanilla, the next chocolate... maybe both? maybe.. none?


Personally for myself, it was my head strong goal to align my "body" through surgery --to appear that of a genetic born female-- and to be accepted and loved in that capacity, and to reciprocate that in return, with someone who desires me as such.

It took me many years to be able to admit that. Complete honesty, is true freedom.

I have been called a man living out his "choice" or a fetish fantasy, by some - even by other [anonymous?] Transsexuals in fact!

I'm not worried about a few bitter old cowards, ugly with resentment for what they see in the mirror.  

The truth is, transition is not a full time fetish - its simply, a medical treatment. Does anyone ever really want to transition? The question implies that its a choice. Let me be very clear - Transition is not a choice – it's self preservation, and the medical process is natural for a anyone diagnosed as transsexual, and approved by the American Medical Association, the same as it would be for someone with a birth defect being treated by surgery, medicine or therapy.

So no - transition is not a fantasy brought to life through techno-color Hollywood magic.

Transition is a rebirth. Have you ever witnessed a baby born? Did it come out all happy and pretty? NOoooooo, its bloody, crying, and it can not open its eyes and see anything for a period of time until they adjust to their new surroundings... oh, and they wear diapers: not a fetish either.

The same is true for a Transsexual in transition!

(Diapers? optional. Fetish ? ok, yes... but only if you count Depends©) lol

Seriously, how can you put expectations on someone that they themselves can not even know “what” or “how” they will feel with each and every hormone pill they swallow?


My wife once asked me “Are you gay?” I said “no, I don’t like men.”

At the time I said that, I was uneducated and also not very far along the journey. The fact is… I DO like men - straight ones that want a straight woman.

So, does this make me Gay? No. It would have made "Ted" gay, if indeed he liked men - he didn't.

But at the time I answered my wife on the "are you gay" question, I had not reached the demarcation point of my sexual frontier as a female. So, in fact, it was still “Ted” answering her in saying, “No, I don’t like men.”

So now, I [Chloe] look like a liar or someone that was deceptive about being a homosexual as a man. 

I asked Rene "Are you gay? I mean, you love me, right? Whats that make you?... more importantly, Whats that make us?"

...I'm still waiting on that answer.

Rene's Thoughts - When I met Ted

When I was girl, one of my favorite newspaper columns was Ann Landers, an advice column.  Once, she wrote about a husband that liked to dress in women’s clothing. Her response (based on seeking the advice from medical journals and experts of the 1970’s) was that it was not abnormal for a man to want to do this in the comfort of his own home.

So when my fiancé told me about what I thought was his love of women’s clothing, was actually, a need to express something even he didn’t yet fully understand, I never dreamed that years later I would recall Ann Landers article and relate to this situation... and because of this, I wasn’t freaked out.

When I met Ted, I believed he was the answer to my prayers – one of many prayers I had brought before God during a weekly commitment to visit Jesus at my church. Each week I would attend our Eucharistic Adoration --a Holy Hour—that I had found spiritually fulfilling for over a year. I believe that He [Jesus] helped me find my committed relationship, when I made a commitment to Him. It was for this reason I was able to easily marry Ted, a person that was an acquaintance of four years, but only in a relationship with, for a short time. I believe the Lord put us together.

In the first year of our marriage, I continued my Holy Hour, and I felt privileged to have been there for Him – to have had that time. During these two years, I felt blessed when I got a new job that I loved, a marriage made in heaven, a new dream house and we became pregnant with our first child.

It was all so easy...

My Best Face Forward

Its not easy... and its not all glamour... but I do the best I can.

My co-workers still see and hear the same old guy pre-tending to be the same old fake, I always presented myself to be. Over coming this, is a daily cross to bare. It takes a lot of patience on my part, as well as theirs, to find our footing with one another. Aside from the handful of supporters at work that have come to my side and make me feel welcomed and befriended, I believe I am humored & or tolerated, at best.

I walk into my work location – and each day, I enter our crew room with the other men; I am ignored for the most part – or not really taken seriously if I speak. Each day I try to sit in a different chair in the room where we have our meetings, in the hopes that someone will sit next to me and talk to me… they all avoid me, sitting somewhere else, keeping me at a comfortable arms reach both physically and in their minds. Four years on the job full time as “Chloe”, and still, most people only speak to me out of necessity of the job - and reluctantly at that.

After the morning meeting, I go to my work truck, and leave the garage headed to my first job location. I don’t think there’s been a day yet, I haven’t left feeling the pangs in my chest, from the social isolation and loneliness… I cry… and by the time I reach my first customer of the morning, the picture above is usually the face that greets them in the morning.

Getting Caught Was Just Easier

Sometimes, things just "feel good" to write down - but you wouldn't actually say them to anyone.  Blogs can be dangerous in this regard. Mine is no exception.  Over the years, I've been on both ends of the barrel when it comes to "stepping on and stepped on" family toes. I think I may have mentioned this before, but its been on my mind again, so I want to bring it back up.

Being a man, for me, was difficult. But in fairness, it's difficult for ALL men when it comes to not "appearing weak." Admitting that you are NOT a man, is the ultimate white flag of surrender. The worst nightmare of any REAL man is, appearing or making ones self "vulnerable" in a non-masculine way. Men protect themselves at all times from looking non-masculine - but thats what society has trained them to do. Even their mothers, and other women, protect masculinity by ensuring their sons don't paint their toenails pink, or appear feminine in any way. If it weren't a big deal, we'd have skirts and panties for every little boy under the Macy's Day Parade Christmas Tree... but we don't. Why? Read on!

Prior to the year 2005, I was just some guy named Ted from Hartville Ohio, working for the Phone Company, married and the parent to 2 little baby boys. On the surface, I was "the average Joe." You would think having an adorable wife, great job, beautiful children, security and respect, would have been enough for any man... Right? Well, I think you'd be right in most cases. But see, thats where the problem was - I wasn't the average man. I did't know it at the time, but I wasn't even "a man."

*dream sequence flash back*

Growing up, there were 2 people in my family I loved and adored most of all. My mom's bothers... my uncles. I really miss them most. Its been, well, 6 years since I seen or spoke to them... and our last visit together was my grandmothers funeral (their mom)... she died on Christmas day that year. That holiday just hasn't been the same since, for any of us.

I really screwed up when I began all this in 2005... you see, I felt like I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. So, I began this here Blog. The very one your reading now. I started it at the suggestion of a friend in a support group. And when I did start it, my legal name was still Ted. This Blog was for "Chloe"... Chloe was just a raw concept of something I was sorting out from the echos coming from the dark corners of my mind at nights... and during the days, it took the form of Cross Dressing in a spare bedroom which may or may not have include a session of "physical" relief.

Well, thats where I was at with "all this" in 2005.

My Blog was ment to be an online journal for support for these feelings. It was never intended to be found by "Ted's" friends or family. The blog was ment for other Transgender people to help me piece all this together.

One night, someone sent me one of those JOKE chain email letters to "Ted's" email account. Now, I normally do not send or forward these things out, but, this one joke in particular was something I thought I would share with the rest of my family members ONLY.  So I copied and pasted the part of the joke into a new email and selected all the people I wanted it to go to, and hit "Send".   Only one problem... I forgot that "MS Outlook" had "Chloe's" email set as the default account.

CRAP!

Everyone of my family members just got their first email from "Chloe Prince"

My sister was the first to respond.  "Is this you Teddy?"

I panicked. I concocted a REPLY letter that I tried sending back that looked like one of those AUTO Response letters when an Email is undeliverable... lol  "...Sorry, we've tried delivering your message -its timed out - we've given up... "  lol "Please check the number and try your call again" lol  "Sorry, no speaky the Engly"... lol

...My sister was NOT fooled.  Niether was anyone else. My blog was quickly found. Eeeek!

That was it - I was out.

Looking back, I see many different ways I could have avoided all this from happening - but the truth is, there was a large part of me that wanted to get caught. I was a coward that just couldn't say the words... that didn't want to face the truth of what I was planning to do.


Getting caught was just easier.


And since everyone was already mad and not talking to me, it made it even easier to just dismiss everyone as unsympathetic, bigots, haters and good old fashion a-holes... While there "may" have been a little bit of truth to "their" short comings, most of it wasn't. The larger part of the truth is,  I was a coward.

I  just couldn't face the truth and tell my family... "I'm a woman."

I wanted to tell them. Many times throughout my life, I felt like coming forward and trying to say something. The closest I ever got was in 1990. I was 18, and my girlfriend left me. I was feeling depressed and wrote a stupid run-away letter to my parents, confessing the truth that I DIDN'T want to live anymore and that I was not the person they thought I was - that I had been secretly wearing women's clothes for a while...

...that letter I wrote them in 1990, was one of those letters I was talking about at the beginning - the type of thing you write down cause it feels good, but don't intend to follow through with. I had hid the letter away in my room among the usual mess I kept consistant throughout my teenage years.  Well, a few days later, I had got to cooling down about lossing my girl friend, and I decided to destroy that letter. However, that day, as (luck?) would have it, when I got home, my mom had cleaned my room! She never cleaned my room!

And the letter? gone...  (note to self: Insert smily-icon shitting pants, here)

In 1999, I found out from my sister (9 years later) that my mom had indeed found that letter, and actually held on to it for a while. Coincidently enough, I found out THIS little tid bit from my sister, the same week my other girlfriend Jennifer, of 7 years, left me... I was confessing (again) to my sister that I liked to Cross Dress as the possible reason why she left me. Thats when she told me about Mom finding the Drama Bomb in my bed room all those years ago.  Now fast forward to 2011, and if I ask either of them about ANY of this, neither of them remember ANY of it.

And while I'm being honest here: Cross Dressing Wasn't the entire or even the major reason my girlfriend Jennifer left me.  My girl friend Jennifer CHEATED on me with 4 different men over the course of 7 years and used my cross dressing as one of her many excuses. That being said, she left me because I was a complete ass (about her cheating on me, that is!) Her cheating on me made me paranoid. I know now I had a low self esteem and stayed with her cause I thought "no one else would ever accept me being a cross dresser."  I know from talking to many other Trans-people, this is very common.

You know, come to think of it - I actually had told my mom I liked Cross Dressing on thee day that my girlfriend Jennifer left me. She asked me, standing there in my apartment, "why do you think she left - what was the problem?"

Just as I would later confess to my future wife Rene, I walked my mom into my bedroom of my apartment and showed her my "girl" clothes.  I pointed... She said "so, your a cross dresser?"... I nodded, and then wept as I lay my soul naked for the first time out to my mom... I waited for judgement...  but nothing more was said. Instead, she said, come on, lets go back to the house for some dinner.

Another time in history that should have thrown up the red flag for my family, was when I was about 15. I had "collected" a stash of women underwear and bras.

Now you may be asking, how did a 15 year old establish an entire collection of "stash"? heh... thats another story altogether!

Anyway, my sister Laura found my stash, and had brought it to my parents attention. When I got home from school, it was sitting on the kitchen counter. A lot of things were racing through my mind at that moment... but admitting the truth wasn't one of them.  "Deny it?" I thought...  The looks on my mom, dad's and sister's face were priceless. They could see that I was solving the secrets of the universe in a blink of my eyes. lol

My dad was the one to ask the million dollar question... "so, who's are these?"  My throat went dry. The best I could come up with was "..a panty raid?"... lol Their stares of inquisitive anticipation turned themselves to each-other as if they were going to check a bingo card to see who had covered THAT excuse square! lol

My mom said, "Then why are some of your sisters things in there?" ...again, I felt the walls pushing in on me as I reach for the highest limb of the "liar liar pants on fire tree"... "the guys were going to play a joke at school - I was elected to hold the stash, and everyone had to put something in the pile."

In my own mind I just hi-fived myself and thought, "GOD DAMN... you really ARE good!"

I'm not sure if they bought it or not, but it sounded good?!?! *shrugs*

They asked me to get rid of them, so I said, "I'll just take them up to the garden and burn them." So I grabbed the pile and put them in a shopping bag. On my way out the door, my mom said, "do be sure to burn ALL of them..." Thats the comment that has left me wondering.. I think she knew "something" was going on. Even back then.


*Back to present day...*


Many in my family were upset when they found out I had been blogging about all this behind their backs.  They weren't so much upset that I was turning into a woman (they were), but also because I was putting it all out there for the world to see, along side the same family name we shared.

If I could go back and change something, I'm not sure things would be different between me and other people or family members. But, it would be different in the way I feel about it.  I wish I could of had the courage to just talk to my family, before I accidentally outted myself.  I can only guess at whether this would have made any difference or not - BUT - I have heard from my mother that some family would have appreciated that, and not had to find out about it on the internet. I agree. I'm sorry too. I just felt so frightened to talk about it. I didn't know where to go or even how to open up about the subject. My Blog was my way of being able to have some place to come and "bleed". In some ways - it still is.

This all being said, that doesn't mean I'm giving everyone a "free pass" on what they said and how they behaved in light of what happened. Somethings said and done to me, were plain horrible. But you have to live with that.  The guilt I feel about how I handled the situation, is gone... because I truly AM remorseful for how I mishandled the gravity of the situation. But mostly, for being a coward and never "owning it"... until now. It was just easier to be angry and make excuses... and, I am sorry, for that.


Your probably wondering, "if they were upset with you blogging, why are you still doing it?"


*sigh*

I can't go back and fix the mistakes I made - and I won't apologize anymore for them. I'm done. This blog now serves those who are looking for an example of a human-being... flaws and all ... Sharing my story over the years, has saved my life. It has also empowered many others the same way it empowered me to find a voice when, in that moment, life was testing our courage, and we were leaving foot prints wider than the ones we were following.

"BEE" The Change

Guest Blogger:
Lana Moore

Currently there seems to be quite a lot of negative energy bouncing around the “trans blogosphere.” I’ve been watching and reading with much sadness and disappointment. People seem to have lost their inhibitions to spew into the public arena any old thought that happens to enter their minds. What happened to mature social interaction? Is this how people behave face to face? Of course not, because in an actual encounter, we make eye contact, we collect all the facial expressions and emotion that another radiates to us. So, on line, with the perceived protection of time, distance, and shielding it would seem that essential tenets of human courtesy are missing.


What bothers me most, I think, is when I have friends on each side of some of these ad hominem attacks and I know both of these fine people to be mature, caring, and intelligent individuals who have apparently gotten lost in the passion of their debate. I feel as though I must suddenly choose which one to side with. Ultimately, I choose not to take the cheese, lest I get drawn into this lose-lose conundrum. After all, which is more important—being right, or getting it right?

We owe it to the ones who have blazed the trails ahead of us as well as to those who will follow in our paths to listen and dialogue with the level of mutual respect that all human beings deserve. Never before was the axiom “United We Stand, Divided We Fall” more poignant. Look, if we can’t even seem to agree—or at least be civil in our disagreements—how can we ever expect to make any inroads with regards to changing the hearts and minds of the “mainstream?”

Another phenomenon I am also seeing is something a friend recently described to me as “Crab Mentality.” This describes a way of thinking best described by the phrase "if I can't have it, neither should you." The metaphor refers to a pot of crabs, individually the crabs could escape from the pot, but instead, they grab at each other in a useless "king of the hill" competition (or sabotage) which prevents any from escaping and ensures their collective demise.

The analogy in human behavior is that of a group that will attempt to "pull down" (negate or diminish the importance of) any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of jealousy, conspiracy or competitive feelings.

This term is associated with short-sighted, non-constructive thinking rather than a unified, long-term, constructive mentality. It is also used colloquially in reference to individuals or communities attempting to "escape" a so-called "underprivileged life", but kept from doing so by others attempting to ride upon their coat-tails or those who simply resent their success."

My partner, Chloe has become a lightening rod for much of the blog negativity. I lost count of the commenters who start by admitting their prejudice, stating that they did not or “could not” even watch her ABC television show and then comes the big BUT, as they go on to ignorantly rip the show and her personally. There is a difference between--an informed questioning and commentary of a person’s perceived motives and/or judgment--and outright pillorying them.

And then there is the whole “Bee Sting” fiasco. It doesn’t help that it has been mischaracterized, or at least presented it in a way that was easily misunderstood, but Chloe has explained it clearly and concisely, more than once. Obviously the bee sting did not “turn her into a woman” but, like Al Gore’s “I invented the internet” misnomer, this is just too irresistible for the “crabs in the pot” to let go of. This has actually become amusing to watch as it takes on a life of its own.

Chloe understands this and she knows all too well that this sort of thing goes with the territory when one puts themselves “out there” the way she has. She can take it. I can say with first hand experience because I know her personally--and obviously I am biased so you may take this for what it is worth--that Chloe is one of the most caring and genuine people I have ever met. She is strong and principled, yet kind and caring. She stands up for what she believes, but will readily admit when she is wrong. Above all, she is human, like you and me, which takes me back to my broader points at the beginning of this piece. Let us not forget our humanity as we navigate and interact within the cold digital social matrix of the internet blogoshpere.

I am also happy to report that for every public harsh negative criticism launched at Chloe, there are probably one hundred messages of gratitude and encouragement received “behind the scenes.” So, it is like I have been telling my children, don’t get sucked into the negativity, sometimes you gotta do what you know is right for you, no matter what others will think or say. Follow what is in your heart because acquiescing to the bullies, only validates their angry cause. Words will only get you so far, it takes action. You must set the example, you must Be The Change you want to see.

~Lana Moore

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When It Matters Most

If there is one thing I do miss from the previous chapters of my life living male, it is without a doubt, the sense of self worth that came from being part of a family. From the time I was born and then later grew up, I had taken for granted the very core of what I was and what I meant to my family, and what they meant to me... that is, until I lost touch with them through transition.

I've been spending a lot of time these past 2 weeks fixing my duplex from the storm damages and the rest of the time with Lana in Westerville where we are working on moving in together – we’ve got remodeling working going on there as well in one of the rooms.

Lana's family has been having some very serious medical issues, and they seem to have all come up at once. Her sister Debbie and her mother had to both go into the hospital at the same time this past week. Lana has been trying to be supportive as she can, and I've been trying to be as supportive as I can to Lana. Sometimes, just "being there" makes all the difference in the world. I hate to see Lana get wore down. She is the Captain of a Fire house and she also has her hands full being a parent and an active member in her church and local community.

Debbie has been in the hospital now for an entire week and they still haven't a clue what is wrong with her. We continue to pray for answers. We brought Debbie some flowers and a card - yesterday Lana painted her nails for her while she laid in bed. I know Debbie really appreciates having the company.

Lana's mother "Ruth" had developed trouble swallowing. At 85 years old, her doctor scheduled her for surgery to have a pocket in her throat fixed that had been catching her food. Needless to say, everyone has been worried about her - and for for me, it's got me thinking about my grandma.

My grandmother "Violet" went in for surgery on her neck. During the procedure, she arrested on the table. The doctors were able to restart her heart, but the anastasia was too much for her body and she never recovered entirely. A few days later, my grandmother passed away on Christmas day, 2005. She was 80 years old. My sister and I stood on each side of her as she slipped away, and the family behind us... it was one of the most painful moments I can remember. Each Christmas day since I find myself being reminded of that moment when I got the phone call to race to the hospital, only to make it just in time to say good-bye.  I thank God, for taking her peacefully, and for giving me the chance to be there for her in the end.

I miss you Grandma...

I began transitioning from Ted to Chloe in 2006. My Grandmother never knew the real me. Time and then death separated us from ever embracing as grandmother and granddaughter. If she were a live today, I would like to believe that she would have welcomed me into her home. I am not sure she would have completely accepted or even agreed with my transition. But I believe she would have shown me love, regardless. I believe this to be true because when my sister came out in the early 90's around the age of 23, my grandmother had told me personally at the time, that she didn't agree with my sister’s lifestyle and thought it to be a very tough life to live – regardless, my sister is still her grandchild and she'll continue to love her for "the person" she is and would reserve anything else for God to sort out.

It was this conversation that, as I  continued to grow as a woman, I choose to follow her lead and live by her example -- even when it is difficult -- to be there for others, when it matters most.

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Getting Pegged for What You Know Too Much About

They say when it rains, it pours. Well in my case, it’s been a hailstorm. Literally. A hailstorm hit our home and another duplex we own and did significant damages. For the past 2 weeks, I have been dealing with insurance companies, contractors and frustrated tenants. It’s been a test of my patience, to say the very least.


I feel stressed out because when I talk to these contractors and adjustors (all men), I feel like there is a fine line between “knowledgeable” and “too knowledgeable” for a woman to know about plumbing a gas water heater, or putting on a new roof, etc.


Now I know that sounds sexist because, well, it is I suppose.. But in my own defense I would dare to say in my dealings and associations with other women, I have found that many (not all) do not know the first thing about trade skills (or have any interest) in things like putting in a water heater or replacing a roof. These are male dominated trades.


When a woman speaks to contractors on the level about these trades, it puts a spotlight on them of curiosity and amusement for some inquisitive men. Having this kind of knowledge can open the door to other discussions and questions. Questions that can lead you right into a position of outing yourself.


The odd thing is, I used to get the same looks from females when I was a male, and I would know TOO much about female things.


These have been difficult challenges to navigate in my new life as a woman, because I have NOT lived my life since birth, that of the average female. I enjoy the work, but by doing it, it reopens my mind to thoughts of things I thought I already had bridged over. I don’t like being thought of as just a Transgender woman. But, that’s exactly what I am being. I can’t be “just a woman.” I lay my hands over my forehead and heart and strain through tears to understand why "any" of that should matter now. I simply do not know.

All that I DO know is, that, it just does.

Courage comes in many forms - this is not one of them.


I have found if I am too assertive or knowledgable, that I am thought of by men as a bitch. How cliche' is that? How many times I have heard a woman say this, and I rolled my eyes... and yet, here I am.  I have to say, its absolutely true.   The funny thing is, I have experienced this attitude from men that KNEW me as a former male.  How am I to interpret that?  They had no problem I transitioned. I guess I am to be validated by getting the boys club treatment?


If I don't assert myself, or reveal all the knowledge I have in a conversation, I feel disingenuine and that I am selling out other females by looking like an incompetent ninny that needs their Daddy to help them pick out and pay for a car.


These feelings were never covered in any of my therapy.  Never.  I never thought that I would one day have to confront a line between being too masculine or too feminine in any one given situation.  "Women" do not have to think about these things, because "Women" were born and raised as women. Everything they do, is without question in their mind, JUST a woman doing it.


As someone that was raised and lived as Male, trying to assimilate into the female world, I am finding that it is impossible for me right now to just "be" a woman, and not be reminded that I am in fact being a "Transgender" woman.  Transgender women have the privilege of knowing how the boys world works and seeing things from that side of the coin.  For me, this has not been something easily channeled into my female energy.  How can I?  You might as well ask me to give birth too.


I have been post-op now for 3 years, living full time nearly 6 years.  In this time, I can tell you, I have learned a lot about myself, life as a female and explored my sexuality.  But, surgery doesn't and didn't make me a woman. Surgery ONLY gave me the body of a female to match my feminine feelings and spirit.


In truth, it takes a life time to enter and live in the female world to grow into a "woman".  Normally, a child goes through all these awkward stages of social grooming into their gender roll, early on in life.  As a transgender woman, I feel like a 6 year old girl right now with the life experience of a 32 year old male.  And that hurts, some days. Other days, its been a blessing to be able to navigate a situation with my "privilege" of my former experience of having lived as a male.  But again, your average woman would not have had that privilege.  So am I a woman? Or am I a Transgender woman with male privilege?  Admittedly, this is deeply troubling.  But why?


I am learning each day to take these experiences and use them to guide myself through this new chapter of life, and channel them into a feminine expression as I feel inspired to do so.  I have let go to a lot that I used to hold true as a former male, because I see the world differently now.  That world affects me, and I can't interact with it anymore the way i used to as a male - even though I have the privilege of experience and skill of a male.  For my life to work now, I have to use what I have, and just be the best "me" I can.  Thats not male.  But its not entirely female either.  That's not to say my feelings aren't feminine - they are.  But my life experience as a male is not something I can change with surgery. It is only something I can use now to help develop my life as a "woman" of my choosing. But what kind of Woman can that be with a male history as a platform to build upon?  I wonder if this is why my mother and sister find it difficult to accept me fully without looking at each-other behind my back rolling their eyes when I say something completely male out of ignorance that any normal female would never say or think.


Looking forward...


Both Rene and I are looking forward to moving this summer.  Rene will be moving close by so we can share the kids 50/50.  This will give both of us, as well as the kids, a chance for a fresh start.  The entire time I have been living as a woman with Rene, I never really felt like I actually transitioned, as much as I was really just cross dressing post-operatively. My eyes began to be awaken to this years ago, but its taken this long to get a divorce, and a plan together.  Rene and I gave it 5 years together. She'd go another 50 years the way things are, but be miserable the entire time.  She wasn't like this when I married her. I can see that my transition broke her trust in me, and her self esteem.  It is my hope that I can give her that back by helping her to have a chance to start over.


As for my kids - they are doing wonderful.  They are looking forward to the move.  They love Lana, and have had a year now to get to know her and become comfortable.  They have told us in their own way, "its time" and they are going to be ok too.


If there is one thing I am grateful for, more than anything, is for the opportunity to raise my children as another woman in their life. Doubly grateful they accept me as just a "Mom".  Tripple grateful to Rene in both helping me to be a good mom, and for validating me in front of the kids of this fact.  The kids know I "seeded" their life as a male, but they have only ever known me as a woman named Chloe and can think of no other term for me except MOM.  What more could you ask for?  I am happy, young, and have plenty of time to figure it all out.  No doubt that I will. Regardless of all the challenges behind and in front of me, at least now, I know which way to turn my sail into the wind towards becoming the "lady" I wish to be.

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Update: April 20th 2011

Diana_W wrote an excellent blog in reference to my blog here, called "Authentic Transition" on her blog "Salad Bingo".  I found it very helpful.  The comments were interesting as well.

Whats New, and Some of the Same Old

Why do we argue over words? This comic made me chuckle when I think about how foolish I have been over worrying about such silly things.

Moving onward.

Theres only 2 months left until my children finish school.  Back in November, Rene and I agreed it was best I stay living in the house after the disillusion of our marriage.  In the effort to rebuild trust and maintain a healthy environment for a fresh start for everyone, I agreed, and stayed to help support her while she sought employment and maintain help with the kids, as well as make sure the kids school year was not interrupted by switching schools.


If you read any part of my Facebook page, or look at my profile in PINKessence, its no secret I have taken up with a new partner (Lana) for a little over a year now.   We are planning on moving in together this summer. That means I will be moving to Columbus Ohio, about 100 miles from where I live now and grew up.  I'm both excited, and scared.  More on that, another time.


I would have loved to move in with Lana a while ago, but to do so, would have been a serious detriment to a fresh start for Rene.  She and I had both lost our jobs, and she (at the time) still had not found one after 2 years of looking.   Staying was the only option if she was to be able to get her life together, and keep the kids at the same time.  I didn't want to move 100 miles away and be away from my kids, or not be able to help Rene with them.


Rene and I have amicably and peacefully decided to share the children with equal custody.  Neither of us are in disagreement when it comes to our children's best interests.  Its nice, because, I have read many horror stories how an ex-spouse of a transsexual will attack or manipulate the the Transsexual through the courts by using their children.


Rene is many things, and has many opinions when it comes to my transition.  But, she has always maintained that the children will never be used in this way.  Nor will she or I allow our extended families to use our kids to manipulate us, either.  Again, I have read of cases where in-laws want to get involved and stir the old sh*t pot because they don't want their grand children around some "tranny freak", "life styler" or any number of other choose your label choice phrases.


I am thankful to Rene that we can have a common ground with the kids. I realize that, what I did, in many ways, betrayed her trust.  At least thats her feelings.  If the tables were turned,  I would like to think I could have (at the time) handled the situation as well as she has, but that would be a lie.  Moving forward, I hope to build a trust with her.  I love her dearly.  Thinking about the day I will come home and not smell her cooking, or see her face - its extremely painful for me at the moment to think to long about.


So why divorce?  Well, it was I who filed for the divorce a while back. No, this was not because I cheated on her or had a new relationship.  Our divorce had been a long time coming.  By the time I had started seeing Lana, the marriage had long been over, and yes, I told Rene about Lana, early on.  I am trying to be sensitive to Rene and my family and have not introduced Lana to them yet as I don't think its proper right now - I don't want Lana to be seen as some home wrecker - shes not.


I Know it wasn't easy for Rene to know that I had moved on.  She still maintains that she loves me dearly, and doesn't wish to let go.  Yet, that is not what her actions say.  Her actions suggested a deep level of shame for what we had become together.  I think anyone that saw the ABC special could see that, except of course, her.  It became too hard to live with myself, knowing I had done this to her.  I felt like a complete coward and wanted to just, run away. Hide...


... other nights I just lay here remember what it felt like to want to die, and wish for death... and then I would think to myself, "I wish I ONLY felt that bad, now".


I am deeply ashamed for how my transition was handled where my wife and family are concerned.  I am not a roll model in this.  Not by any means.  Its easy now for me to sit back and give limited advice in the form of sharing my mistakes.  I was arrogant, and in some cases, not forth coming and deceptive with my true feelings.  I was completely wrong in doing this without her support.  I'm not saying I am wrong for transitioning - just wrong in dragging her through it.  When it was decided that I was to move forward with transition, I did so by giving her a choice of "transition or divorce".  Each time, she would re-draw her line in the sand a little bit further back from its original place, as to allow for room for me to make an adjustment forward.


Looking back, if I could handle this differently, I should not have done this.  I think the best solution for Rene and I should have been counseling.  And when that failed (and it did) we should have went our separate ways at that point, and NOT dragged out the pain and put our children and selves through such awkward and difficult struggles.


This is not to say other married couples can't work it out and do it together.  BUT, married couples need to DO IT TOGETHER.  Not press forward like I did, leaving your wife crying in her pillow each night after slowly giving her soul and sense of self away, bit by bit to maintain her family and children out of lack of other options.


I'm an asshole.  And I find living with that, unbearable. Worse, I felt powerless to do anything about it, without further being an ass.  Until now.


Rene does not identify as a lesbian.  But thats what the world saw us as.  I saw Rene's approach to the world diminish each time she and I would go anywhere publicly together.  The trust she had for me was gone, and with it, was its cousin.  Respect.  It was a challenge to communicate without it breaking down into arguments - usually it would come full circle back to my "choice" to transition.  This of course built resentment from me, and came back out at her as distrust and disrespect too.


We tried everything... There was just too much damage that was done.  I was spending more time sleeping alone in a separate room, than together... She and I never did anything together anymore, and trying to go somewhere together, usually lead to an argument in the car on the way.  In almost every case, my resentment for her not supporting me in my transition could NOT be let go.  In almost every case for her, my transition was something to use as a trump card to arguments.


You take all of this disfunction, and selfishness, and then add the fact that I resented being "still" someones husband?  I just couldn't wrap my mind around that.  I AM A WOMAN!  I AM NOT ANYONES HUSBAND.  Men are husbands.  I am a FEMALE!  Gay people are not legally allowed to marry in my State.  Why do I get a pass on this?  BECAUSE I WAS A MALE WHEN I MARRIED HER!!!  Not because I am a female that gets a loop hole to be married to another woman.  This was unsettling for me as a female, as much as it was for Rene as a heterosexual woman to be now perceived as a lesbian.  It was (for her) a forced pseudo lesbian relationship.  But it was her actions in the relationship that reveled her imprisonment more than her words to the country ever could hide her true feelings.


As for my own discomfort - keep in mind, your talking about someone that flew to the other side of the planet to have their genitals realigned with their correct gender in their mind.  NO MAN would do this. No MAN would ever part with their penis.  No real man would want a vagina.  AND, no real female would want to have a penis, given the choice.


I am a Female.  Not someones husband, son or uncle or Dad.  True, I maintained those roles until I found my own voice in the matter.  Yes, I seeded the life of my children with my male genitalia, but I have raised them since they were 2 years old as a mother full time!  My children ONLY know me as a woman.  Not their mothers husband.  It became UNBEARABLE for all involved to live this way.


I wished Rene and I would have explored this subject and gotten help before we married.  Before we had kids.  I was a coward.


Another thing.... I just couldn't face my Father... my mother, or Rene and tell them, I need to be a woman.


I spent 32 years as a male being called "Faggot" by my own uncles - with a voice that I could never even ONCE pass as a male on the phone. This made it extremely difficult to conduct business, like banking, because no one ever believed I was a male named Ted, even when I tried.  I was beat up and made fun of at school constantly - I was nicknamed Tinker bell in high school, and teased.  I went to school every day in fear of going to the bath room because the boys singled me out as weak, and an easy mark.  I always wore my gym clothes under my regular clothes because I didn't get pubic hair until I was age 19.  And even then, it was minimal.  I felt alone and feared talking to my parents about any of this...  My father was dealing with his own addictions at the time, prostrate cancer, a troubled marriage, and a daughter that just came out of the closet as gay.  The last thing i wanted to do was add to their pile.  How could I...?


I knew then "what" and "how" I felt - but felt it was more important to try and be the legacy my father hoped I would be for our family, going forward in history.  To be "the man" that would make all his life's struggles and his fathers father's wrongs, righted, or forgotten, as I took my place as the man of the family.


I think its interesting how it gets lost by some, that Rene knew I was cross dressing before we married.  And in her words "This was not something that was going to get in the way of our marriage", and "...was something she could live with".

It would be a personal failure to cast blame on Rene solely or to accuse her of "well you should have known better... cause, ya knew SOMETHING was up."  Neither of us really knew where any of this was going... If anything, I was praying it would go away completely.  It didn't.   Possibly to a fault, neither did Rene.


More on all this in coming updates.



In closing, I want to arm you with something to think about when navigating the blogosphere in the Transgender, Transsexual and LGB community.


There are 2 things I look for when I read blogs and comments.  I ask myself, is what this person writing an "Instrument of Education" or a "Weapon Taking Aim"?  It really is that simple.


Think about it.  Then draw your own conclusions.
Peace!

No Comment

"With great power comes great responsibility"
-Uncle Ben, Spiderman 1 Movie


Over the past year of 2010, I have found it increasingly harder and harder to be able to share my "thoughts" publicly, due to the new visibility I have both in media and in the transgender community.  I was not prepared for that, although at the time I thought I was.

Both Rene and I lost our jobs - hers in 2009, and mine in 2010.  Because of this, it has been necessary to re-examine our "visibility", here online, and in the media while we are looking for employment.

People can be very cruel. Especially when they have their own agenda they wish to hold you up for as "their" example to whatever it is they're trying to push, or point their trying to make.

I've been called both a hero, and a fraud. Neither of which I am proud of or wish to be... but, its to late for that now. And I acknowledge this error in both my mis-informed and under-informed judgement.

People have questions - which lead to more intrusive personal questions.  Everything from "who fathered my children" to how Rene and I had sex and of course, show me your medical records.  These are things that when I did the ABC special, I had not considered. Regrettably, it is out there now, and I have no way to put the genie back in the bottle.

No matter what your best intentions are, no matter how much you THINK or are told "your in control of your own story".... your not.

Rene and I and my children know who their genetic father was, and that chapter is not, nor ever will it be anyone else's business. Even though we have come forth with our story publicly, that is not an invitation into our bedroom or private sectors of our life.  How we made love? Thats not up for discussion.  And as for disclosing my medical and psychiatric records for public examination? Get real.

Its hard enough finding a job when your transgender, let alone having your entire medical history visible for the world to read. I don't know how it is in other countries, but here in the USA employers are allowed to do credit checks and if you want insurance, you have to disclose your medical history.  I have went to great lengths to NOT get pigeon holed into all that and that is why I would and never will sign any release that put me in jeopardy of losing coverage from my insurance as a female, or forces me into a situation of having to disclose my past to potential employers.

So call me a liar, fraud all you like - accept it, reject, do whatever you like, but I will no longer allow myself to be bullied or called on the carpet for a panty check just because YOU need me TO BE SOMETHING, or NOT BE SOMETHING, because it suits your theories or agenda. Donna Rose once said to me, "Chloe, you are just you... and we can ALL agree on that."

I am removing all reference to my blogs, photos and videos about the diagnoses of my genetic variation. Its not important. It doesn't define me. It wasn't my reason for transition. Some say it was, and rightfully so for the way I have put it out there.  I regret that too.  Having this condition is something I deal with privately the same as I deal with hi-blood pressure, hair loss and other personal issues.  It did not make my transition easier for myself or others to accept my transition - all it did was raise a lot more questions that for the time being, I am not willing to share, or deal with.  I never followed up on any of it with my doctor after I was diagnosed. The endocrinologist told me the diagnoses, and I left the office with that knowledge. Thats it. I did not purse further on exploring treatment. Somehow this was spun into "the reason". It wasn't.

Over the past year, I have given a workshop at transgender conferences around the united states on the subject of "Transgender in the Media". I've been trying to bring awareness to other people of the pitfalls I opened myself up to.  I'm not saying being on TV is a bad thing - it can be a positive thing if you have a reason, and if you have clearly thought things through and taken others into consideration.

What I did was selfish - thats what people say about me for transitioning while married with kids.  As much as I would like to disagree with this, I can not entirely.  It was selfish in some aspects, and I know that.  Regrettably, I found no other solution, and I admit that I could not be a man -not for anyone-, so call me selfish. But stop crucifying me for it. I made a choice. No parent out there is perfect - everyone makes mistakes. I'm not saying my transition WAS a mistake - just not a popular choice among the court of public opinion.  It was, simply a difficult choice, that forces others to have to make adjustments, and deal with. Some of those people will be my children. I know that.  Its water over the dam now.  That doesn't mean I have to drown in guilt over it for the rest of my life. instead, I will be the best I can be.  SO STOP TERRORIZING ME OVER IT.

I choose to live a positive example and show my kids and family that I made the best choice I could. The option to stay as a man simply wasn't one, and nobody was just going to hand me my transition. I took charge of my life and remain accountable and responsible to those choices, and my children and family.

No, my children will not grow up with a male presence for a parent. They will grow up with one mother, and a transgender parent - me - not a mom, not a dad of tradition, but something in between.  Thats their legacy. It IS different - its not going to be traditional. But that doesn't automatically VETO their childhood or the quality of their experiences.  It just makes them different, but EVERY BIT as equal in family values, richness of love and opportunity for personal fulfillment!

Because the majority of the world is heterosexual, there is a narrative that I am selfish for taking Daddy away.  Ok, in your world, that may be true to some.  But I don't have to accept your world, any more than Amish people have to accept your world, or any other culture that is different.

As a Transgender parent, I offer something thats rare and unique.  That doesn't make me selfish.  Selfish is someone that abandons their children - I didn't abandon my kids.  I love them - and they love me. With each day that bond grows and grows. Their lives have not been impacted negatively. They've just been given a different set of circumstances that others seem to have a problem with.  My kids didn't even realize we were different until it was pointed out by adults trying to "conform" their thoughts on the matter.  I have not tried to conform my childrens thoughts. Instead I allow them to ask questions, and I answer them with examples, not ideals.

People ask me "Why did you marry and have kids if you knew you were going to transition?"  The simple answer to this is: I didn't know.  Still, the court of public opinion wishes to hold me to the idea that, I did know.  I think that is the perception because I had been privately cross dressing for many years. This was not something I did however, outside the confines of my bedroom for the most part.  I had stopped cross dressing when I met, and married Rene for a few years.   I suppressed it for as long as I could, until the urge broke me down, and I was no longer able to control it.  I told her I needed to start doing it again, and Rene suggested I start going to a support group... and so I did.  The events of me being diagnosed with Klinefelters syndrome were something I did not consider a detriment to how I was already feeling, and had been feeling all my life. I was offered treatment, but I declined. I saw no reason or benefit for these treatments at the time. Treatments that would have elevated my hormone T-Levels. The idea of that scared me. I had only come into this doctor to get tested so a plan could be put in place to desensitize me from bee sting reactions.  The whole thing seem to be going in another direction - a direction I just wasn't interested in, and admittedly, scared me a bit.  But if I had been living this way all my life, why do anything now? I seen nothing wrong with myself, except for being allergic to bee stings.  I left the office, and never returned. I know I am not the first person to do that.

I can understand why people are left with a lot of questions. Questions that, I just can't and do not wish to answer publicly for stated reasons.

I'm not saying I won't talk about my transition, my life or even my kids. but somethings are just off limits because talking about them has ramifications that effect others, or call into question things I do not have the answers for, and do not wish to pursue.  I will continue to share my story here on my blog, and if its in meda, I will be more careful as to what I allow.  My goal is to help others reach their goals, and hopefully, learn by some of mine and other's mistakes.  I plan to pursue these goals, be it in TV, Blogging, Speaking at conferences, or writing a book.

But, I'm done being made to feel guilty - both for transitioning, and not sharing everything about myself.  I'm done feeling like I have to hide and that I can't blog about things I want to talk about.  I'm done answering questions about what chromosomes I have, and about who's the daddy, and how do you have sex. I have accepted responsibility for going forward with this publicly, and I choose to move on leaving you with these explanations as to "what" "why" and "how" in these blogs - and the rest of the world will just have to live with my official reply to the unanswered matters with this final statement concerning them:

"No Comment!"