Monday, December 18, 2006
This was originally a post to some of my closest friends in 2006. I would like to share theses words with all of you - my 360 friends - as you too have all been there to listen and offer support and guidance. Thank you!
Laura, Sheila, Marsha, Glenda, Jamie, Melissa, Marina, Leanna, Michelle, Ranae, Gloria, Margaret, Cathy, Erin, Janet, Natalie, Abigail, Alex, Amber, Sherrie and Marie,
Thanks for taking the time to write such wonderful notes and for your phone calls of support to me this year!
2006 was a great start for me – However, 2007 I hope will be a year to close in on and narrow focuses and efforts to improve the variety and quality of our time and events by working together.
Understand, my family will always come first -and- sometimes I don't always agree with everyone - but I respect the ideas and opinions of everyone. Its no secret that we are all of different age groups and what I and others like may vary some times... it doesn't mean we can't enjoy one another's advice and support, when we can.
Now, for 2007 - I am going to start by being honest and realistic with myself and my friends and family.
I am going to work hard to undo the mountain of debt I have amassed, but not before I have some oral surgery at the dentist this February. Then it's going to be a lot of overtime to clear the balance sheet for 2007... I also am busting my butt staying up till 3 and 4am to finish school work just about every night. Replying to emails has become a luxury almost that I dare not do as it distracts me from my train of thoughts in my studies... but I will still try to when I can - so be patient with me and continue to write when you can – I love hear from you all and look forward to all of your words of love!
Speaking of school - I am afraid this last block of classes I am failing - not because it was too hard - but because I didn't apply my self hard enough. I was over worked - stressed out at home and the group kind of took over my time a little (by my own choice). Most likely, I will have to drop these classes and retake them again - It will cost me $3400 to do so, but I can't bare the thought of losing my 4.0 average I have worked so hard to keep.... it will kill me if I don't pass these classes.... yet I am drowning in my mind with other thoughts that won't let go of me... (My children... my boys... I love them and I am overwhelmed by the thought of being separated from them by a divorce - it is too hard... –and- I am afraid).
My wife threatens and verbally terrorizes me everyday, so it seems - my family is un-supportive and I feel alone even in a crowed place. With so many people that tell me I am so beautiful, sometimes it can be a reminder of how ugly I feel inside.
It makes for a hard holiday... we were also not invited to the big family Christmas party my mom always has each year. My mom said she just can't deal with it and doesn't want to ruin everyone else Christmas with the embarrassment.
Each night I read my bible for 1hr... even if I have studied till 3am in the morning, I will pray and read the gospels... read for answers and support. I pray that God will smile a little more on me if I take time for him even when I cannot for myself or others... I pray that one day he will help me with my situation and fix my family problems.
A lot of the problems we have, are related to our finances. We started our rental business 3 years ago, had 2 kids and I am now going to school. So any thing extra we need, I have to work over time to get. Working over time has been hard with school, and so that doesn't leave us a lot of extra to have.... so we have to charge it.
Now we have amassed to much on the cards and need to slow down... which is hard on my wife because she feels that I have taken on too much and taken too much for myself. She blames me for not being able to vacation and have new things. I try to reminder her that this is the building years and once I have my new Business 4yr degree, I will be able to make even more money in upper management. She just threatens me back by saying "you mean you'll just be able to pay more child support when I divorce you".
I try not to take it to heart when she says these things because I understand her anger right now. Things are so precarious in our finances that most likely a divorce will cause a bankruptcy - forfeiting everything I and Rene have worked so hard for - and in the end... our children will be the big losers.
This is some mess I have made. There have been days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I have never asked for much in life; I have worked for every cent I have. No one has ever given me anything. I work hard, try to be the best and honest person I can be... at the end of the day, I feel it isn't enough. What must I do... what will I do... I must find away for my boys and for my wife. I have made a commitment to her and I must make good on a promise some how - one way or another... I pray for a miracle.
My friendships that I have made this year with all you girls has been a God send. I feel rich because I know I hold the best company in town when I am with all of you.
You girls have given me some dignity and helped me to see that there is a light beyond the darkness. You have stood by me, even when I have been flakey and put up with my quirkiness and mood swings... you'll never know just how much I need you all and value your support, friendship, patients and understanding.
I am so thankful that you girls have been out - paving the way for all the new comers like me. I only hope that I can add an ounce of additional dignity and class to a cup that already runs over.
I wish I could have known you girls much earlier in life.... but I am glad that we are friends now, and I hope that these friendships will be a perpetual candle flame that will never dim...
God bless you girls... I love you,
Christmas is upon us in 1 week - can you believe it?
I have about 80% of my shopping done, 0% warped.But who cares cause the tree isn't even out of the attic yet and set up (to be done the 19th - Hey 5 days early this year!)!
Well more to the point.... Thank you all for being there for me.