Canadian Abstract

Its funny, I was off for a whole week, and STILL, my bags were not packed until the final 4 hours in the morning. I don’t know what it was, but all week, I would try and pack my bags and equipment, and, more often than not, would find myself laying down to take a nap or just completely ignoring the job.

Preparing

I had to stop my hormones 2 weeks before the surgery, but I had taken the advice of other girls and stopped them about 1 month before. The withdraw is terrible!! OMG!!! If you are like me and addicted to Caffeine, you’d know about the mind splitting head ache you get when you go to long with out drinking another can of Coke or Pepsi. That head ache is enough to shut all systems down and turn you as disagreeable as a grizzly who mistook a porcupine for toilet paper.


Well, a caffeine head ache is nothing compared to hormone withdraw - AND NO, its not a myth or a joke that happens. I tried to wean myself down slowly by taking smaller doses each day… {sigh}… you get to a point were you feel so horrible, gross and just broken down that you will take another dose just to reset that dial back to the beginning of having to start over trying to stop. WELL, I out smarted myself!!! When it was time to reorder the hormones from the pharmacy, I didn’t. OMG was that the longest 3 days of my life! On the forth day I began to feel better after struggling through the first 3 cold turkey. Finally after about a week, I was beginning to feel a bit more normal (for a boy that is).


I began to experience unwanted {eh hem} “Erections”. Or as I like to say, “Lady Wood”. lol No kidding, I would just be watching TV or driving in my car and for no reason (I know of) and not thinking about anything, my penis would go into an intense erection. WTF!??


Maybe it is because I have not had, like, NONE since starting hormones and even the ones I had before that could be best describe as “Sad”. It was never a question about the size of my penis, (nor did it matter). It was ALWAYS a question of ability to attain, maintain and facilitate sex with an erection that had the consistency of a stale Twinkie in a latex wrapper.


With the sudden drop in hormones, my testosterone rushed in to replace the depleting supply of female hormones. A few girls warned me of this and told me to go off the Girlie pills a couple weeks earlier, that way your not dealing with the headaches and the throbbing mystery boners poking up in your skirt at the most embarrassing of moments… omg… I am SOOO glad I listened.


After about the 2nd week, the testosterone insurgence tapers off. My face is cover with acne (again) and I notice also my appetite is back, strength has returned and sexual aggression has increased… although sadly, I have had nothing to report in that arena, except… well, lets just say I have gotten use to taking myself to a nice dinner, a bottle of wine, put on a romantic comedy and… well…..


(None of that last sentence is actually true, except the last part)


Anyway, after 2 weeks of headaches, acne, and libido that is about as containable as a Southern California Forrest fire, it begins to subside and your body readjusts. My face is clearing up, sex drive has returned to “null” and the head ache has gone away. In fact, I don’t even think about my hormones right now.

Leaving

If you read my last Blog, you know all about my taking my Daddy to Transfamily (a TS support group in Cleveland). After I dropped him off and got home arond 9pm, I packed all night and into the morning. I had to move some of the data I had from my MAC to my PC Laptop, arrange a few bills to be paid automatically that I had forgotten about and to just go over everything, on last time.


I packed until 5:30am on Sunday morning. We left for the Airport at 6:00am because I had to be at the Cleveland airport by 7:00am for check in, etc. I am usually NEVER on time for anything, but again, I out smarted myself and set up a ton of extra time to get everything done and to account for a margin of error or failure in the system (that failure in the system being my own). That’s right, this girl is taking no chances!


The days leading up to my departure were pure hell!!! It took everyone’s call and forcing myself to stay busy doing ANYTHING or sleeping to the opposite extreme to keep my mind off of it. At any given time I have these stark emotional tides wash over me like a blowtorch to the belly… omg! Not even thinking about it, I will just be sitting there and I go numb - OMG, I AM GOING TO HAVE A VAGINA! OMG, I am going to Thailand and be cut up… 1000’s of scenarios play through your mind, even though you already know you have a preset destiny with the doctor that is pretty much on Auto-pilot once you get there. The calls everyone made to me, and the emails, and the visits, REALLY helped ALOT! I am so blessed for having you all there for me… thank you.


My wife drove me to the Airport and although she was tired, we did hug and she told me she loved me and said “have a safe journey - come home to us happy”. I smiled and wept a little, then gave each of my sons a months worth of hugs. “Logan, take care of momma - you’re the man of the house now” I said. Then I grab my bags and began to walk away quickly before I was consumed by the moment and got back into the car.

Cleveland Airport

I took a lot of electronic equipment with me so I had to check everything I had to be able to keep all my gadgets with me on the plane. I’m not taking any chances that my stuff would get damaged or stolen. It was a good decision because as you will read later, my bags showed some signs of weather.


I have never flown international before, so the process had me a little on edge. I flew North West Airlines - they were very helpful and accommodating at the airport. I was worried a little cause my new PassPort says Chloe Prince - “MALE” on it. I know it’s probably silly, but when you have so many chips riding on one hand of poker, EVERYTHING seems to be sitting on the head of a pin.


I checked my bags after they accepted my PassPort without incident and walked to my departing gate. I had about 1 hour to kill so I made a few last phone calls and enjoyed the morning sunrise looking out the terminal windows. Then, it happened….


“All passengers, North West Airlines is now boarding for Minneapolis….” the attendant said over the loud speaker…


As I approached the tunnel leading to the plane, my ears began to ring… I felt euphoric… I couldn’t help but think… I did it… I made it…..I’m free…. I’M FREE!!!


I began to cry - more like snob… the flight attendant waiting at the end of the tunnel seen me and came to my aid. “Ma’am… are you ok?” he said. I struggled to say “I’m fine… just glad to finally be going home...”

Minneapolis Airport

The flight to Minneapolis was short at about 2 hours and 20 minutes. I pulled out my laptop and watched 27 Dresses on DVD. I was sitting next to a woman named Yavon, an African American from Cleveland on her way to Calgary Canada for a business trip. She works for Good-Year doing internal audits. It was interesting to hear her explain about all the details of her job and I shared mine with her as well. We exchanged phone numbers and she promised to invite me up to Cleveland for a Girls Night Out she has with her female friends about once a month - I giggled a bit because I thought it was sooo cool to be invited into such a circle of fun people that knew nothing more about me other than I work for the phone company and that I'm married and have 2 kid.


I don’t know what it is, but I get a hang up in my mind when I make non-trans friends because it seems if they know up front about my TG status, the friendship seems to center around that or be a topic of discussion - so too it seems (in my mind at least) that I never feel truly accepted, or, me… or genuine for that matter.


So Yavon made me giggle with delight that she would invite me to hang out with her and her girl friends - and these are some classy people I gather… all working for Good-Year as executives and such… Pretty cool.


When we landed I parted ways with Yavon and headed to my next Gate in the Minneapolis airport. I picked up some food and once again I gazed out the terminal windows. I could see the beautiful city in the distance - Its definitely on my list to come back and visit. I could see the sports dome and the tall building… WOW.

Edmonton

AS quickly as I could eat, I was back on the plane and now heading to Edmonton Canada. The skies over Canada were white and fluffy - I could see nothing below so I decided to just shut the window shade and again watch a movie. This time I sat next to a Philippine man that has lived in Edmonton for 9 years. He was telling me about his family (Who by the way had seats else where on the plane and could not all sit together with his family L ). They love it in Edmonton and now that I am sitting here typing this - I know why.


When we landed in Edmonton, I had to go through Customs/Immigration. Now I have nothing to hide, but again, the issue of the PassPort saying “MALE” on it rose up to the forefront of my mind. When I finally approached the counter, the gentleman was wearing a bullet proof flack jacket and was ALL business.

“Who are you here to see in Edmonton?” the Agent said. “Just picking up a friend (Adarabeth) and will be departing to Thailand in 4 days” I said smiling. “Thailand? Why are you going there?” the agent asked. I choose my words carefully now, “I’m having a medical procedure and my friend is going to be my travel companion and medical advocate.” “I see” the agent replied, “and how do you know Adarabeth?” Now I am thinking, huh? “I meant her online and then became good friends and have meant her in person in Atlanta last year”.


The questions seem to keep coming forever, but in reality, I think it was only 1 minute. Still, I was very nervous, but the agent never once asked about my “MALE” status on the PassPort being in congruent with my name and photo. I was very pleased by this and tells me that we as a society are maturing and it is becoming more common place to not assume ANYTHING, let alone someone’s gender not matching their name or photo. I cleared Customs and headed for the baggage claim - WOW, when I finally retrieved it, It looked like they had stored it outside the plane. The contents were ok but the bag is definitely NOT going to win a beauty contest.


Being that it was Mothers Day, my friend Adarabeth had sent our other mutual friend who lives in Edmonton “Jessica” to pick me up so she could celebrate the afternoon with family. Jessica was a welcome site to see. We hugged warmly and she helped me with my bags. Looking around, I noticed RIGHT WAY that I was no longer in the United States. Everything was in French with a subtitle of English underneath.


On the surface, Edmonton is like any other capital city - large and grand. But what gives Edmonton its charm is so much more… the fresh air, long days of light and the culturally advanced thinking society. The Canadian’s here in Edmonton do not seem to have the same hang ups we in the states do where race, religion and consumerism is concerned. Everyone I have meant thus far have been just so KICK ASS! No one looks at my boobs first and then gives me the once over - everyone greats you with a warm hello and wants to know your name. Another thing I have learned here is the importance of Tea Time. Canadians LOVE their tea. I am not much of a tea drinker, but after being here only 1 day, I have drank more tea than I have in the last 5 years. Now I am getting used to it and I notice that my throat feels much better. I have allergies and quite often I get sinus congestion - the tea clears that right up.


Adarabeth has a lovely family. Her wife Kathy is a dance instructor at a university. Together they have 2 beautiful little boys. Christopher (5) and Riley (2). Riley was born a malnourished pre-me baby and even at 2 years old is at a growth rate that of a 10 month old baby. He has to be fed through a G.I. tube and wears a brace on one leg to correct a curving ankle problem. Riley is such a happy baby though and I enjoy the chance to be Aunt Chloe and watch him and Christopher, so that their parents can have a few minutes to do their other routines. Christopher likes playing Lego’s, so I sat down and played with him for awhile, watching him build the models so quickly… I am still trying to figure my portion out.


Kathy, (Adara’s Wife) is still not fully on board with Adara leaving with me for a month and that is some what evident in the chemistry that is exchanged in the home. When Adara first decided to go, I was hesitant because I knew of her family life and the opinion of her wife on the subject. It bothered me a bit because I didn’t want to take another woman’s husband away from her, leaving her to have to take on ALL the responsibilities while Adara is gone. So really, Kathy is in this as much as Adara is with me… whether she wanted to or not. That is something I only realized the gravity of completely, once here. Kathy is very very nice lady and a terrific Mom and partner to Adara, but I am under no assumptions that she is supportive or accepting of what I am doing or what her husband has decided to par take in.


One of Kathy’s fears is that Adara may go with me to Thailand and she too will come back with a Vagina, or at very least, now have a full path laid out for her on how to complete the process herself. Adara lives only part time and Kathy is not prepared or supportive of Adara going full time - no surprise here. Kathy is raising 2 little boys and if that was not hard enough, she has to deal with a transition parent/spouse. That I can completely relate to because that is exactly what my home life is like. I sympathizes with Kathy and part of me wants to go to a hotel and tell Adara, I’ll go alone from here, and another part of me wants to leave that decision up to Adara and Kathy. So I decided to confided my feelings to Adara on the awkwardness I felt and she offered me this: “Chloe, just let Kathy know, that you are appreciative of me going, but you know that blessing comes at her expense also and you sympathize with her.”


Later that evening, I had the chance to talk with Kathy for a few second… I just looked at her, and there was a long silence, she kind of looked at me to and already knew what I was going to say I think… I thought about it… many things came to mind, but you could tell the look on her face was “It is what it is…”. Very humbly, I looked her in the eyes and said “thank you…”. She nodded graciously and said “sure.”


I think Kathy appreciated that as I appreciated her “sure”, because she gave me dignity in that one word that meant so anything more that need not be spoken aloud… and my “thank you” was the same to her. I asked her after that if I could help watch the baby or do anything… sure enough a smirk on her face appeared and the next thing I know I was putting together a toy her son had just received for his birthday. I was more than happy to do so.

May 13th

Today is my 9 year anniversary being married to my wife Rene. I called her at midnight at home to share my feelings with her… She was glad for the call and confessed that she missed me… Actually she said “We” miss you. She had spent the prior evening with my family - which is great because I think my parents, kids and wife all need one another now. We agreed before hand that we would celebrate our anniversary when we got home - she reminded me of that and I said “you bet”.


This is my 2nd day in Edmonton. Tomorrow we depart for Thailand. Our first connection will be in Vancouver - a 90min flight. Then its on to Hong Kong, which is about a 10hr + 30min flight. From there we connect to Bangkok, which is a 6+hr flight. There we will be picked up by staff of the Dr. Suporn Clinic where they will take us back to our Hotel in Chonburi about 90 minutes away. We arrive in Thailand May 15th 10:50pm Local time. For those that live with me in the Eastern Standard time zone, Thailand right now is 11hrs ahead of us.


I have never flown that long before and I am glad that I could stop here in Edmonton to rest and pick up a travel companion. I would recommend anyone doing this to NOT do it alone and break up your travel by staying some place for 1 full day in the middle of the journey to breakup the travel time in the air.

West Edmonton Mall.

Today Adara took me to the now 2nd Largest Mall in the world. I guess the Chinese or something built one recently that is slightly bigger now. The West Edmonton Mall is 7 city blocks big. Nothing you have ever seen is quite like this place. Imagine taking 50 malls, 5 indoor water parks, an ice skating rink, hockey stadium, 2 amusement parks the size of six flags, Sea Words aquariums from every Sea World, The Santa Marie navel ship, and much much more combine it with over 1000 shops, department stores and restaurant, THEN you might grasp just how big this place really is.

Preparing for Stage

I am beginning now to re-pack up and consider any last minute needs I will require for the trip and recovery. I had to really remind myself that once there, I can get anything I need (pretty much). I hope the power adapter I got is sufficient - it’s a universal but ya never know. Its been getting cold her in Edmonton. Thursday it supposed to be about 24 degrees here… Burrrrrrrrrrrr! Look out East Coast, its coming your way next. I’ll be gone before that hits but the temperature today was about 60 Degree’s and sunny.


Well, this is it. My last communication before I leave. Once there I will be sure to update my Blog and let ya all know how we are doing. I am looking forward to meeting up with Jillian, Leann, Patty and a few others that are already there or will be arriving shortly there. What blessing to have so many sisters I know online and one locally to be there at the same time with me.


The feeling of a lump in my throat has come to be permanent it seems. I am not even there yet, but I feel already consumed by the energy that is building with in me and coming to surround me in the form of prayers, love and helping hands. I am learning to fall helpless with eyes shut into those arms of others and let go of control. Last night though, I couldn’t sleep a wink… my mind is on full tilt… floods of out pour thought and emotion spill over for which I no longer (and can no longer) contain or control them. I’ve never felt so vulnerable and naked to the world…


Some think that “its just a vagina” it’s not the immaculate conception”… true enough. But for me, these last few days have been so liberating and cleansing of so much toxicity in my life and in my mind. Both of which I have fabricated, induced and consumed on my part, and so to have others done onto me. That is all washing away now… I am feeling completely renewed and excited to live my life… I don’t feel the need to run anymore or hide or pretend or compromise or defend myself… Can it be possible that nature builds natural instincts for both male and females in side us all and those instincts wait to reveal themselves when the moment calls upon them? I think they do, because I feel those now… more so than ever.


Wish me luck, I gotta fly.