***WARNING***
You may be thinking, “Wow, Chloe blogged twice in one day?” Actually, no. I have a few blogs complied and have been working on finishing them to post before I leave for my Surgery Trip to Thailand. This blog centers on an "issue" I must face once there -and- its one that has had me thinking for some time, with clinched fists. I want to post it now, so when I am over there [and when it happens], I can reflect back on my thoughts of [it,] then, and now.
No one will ever accuse me of shying away from talking about things we ladies would rather not talk about, but know we all have to go through, or do. One of these things is something I've really feared and dreaded - and something that's going to happen to me in preparation of my surgery...
...the Dreaded Enema! *Que sinister music*
Now, I have never had an enema, nor really even understood its usefulness – until now. Reading on the subject, I have come to understand some people enema to remove the toxins in their lower intestine. Others perform them for sexual pleasure - sometimes administered by a Dominatrix to their Submissive. (Who knew!?)
Googling "enema," I was astounded at all the resources on the subject -and- the seemingly endless recipes(?) for all the things one can enema with and why. (Yes I said “Recipes” for enemas.)
The purpose of all this reading up of the subject?
I have to under go, like, a MASSIVE one [or three] when in Thailand… and as I said before, I have NEVER had one. Now it is my understanding that you will be placed on a medical bed with a tray underneath you – then a hose is inserted and the pressure begins to build. Simple enough, right?
Hmmmmm...
Maybe its part immaturity, and part modesty, but gawd! I mean, MY GWAD! What year is this anyway, 2008? We can put men on the moon [and given them a vagina too] but we cannot come up with a better way of performing an enema?
I asked one of my general practitioners here in Ohio (an old military guy, with a warped sense of humor). When asked about enema methods, he said to me, “Chloe, there are a few practical methods - as for mine, all I need is a grenade and a funnel... if you know what I mean...”*sigh* ...men.
Through my online investigation, I have found a site that specializes in selling items to people just like me who are too modest to go through the check out line to buy them at a brick and morder drug store. [yep, I’m a wimp] The website's name is "Shop in Private." They carry everything from Enema’s too special tiny condoms for men who are, well, lets just say still shopping for jeans in the juniors department at Sears.
...whatever.
Checking the mail today, I see my "special package" arrived for... um... well... YOU KNOW!
Ssssoooooo, now that I have administered myself one, I have to say... it wasn't so bad… at least for the home version. (Note to self: Use warm water next time)
If you have never done one on yourself before, then consider this question carefully: Have you ever tried stuffing a marshmallow into a piggy bank?
I know, I know. “T.M.I”
I heard the clinic where I will have my surgery has a machine with a hose connected to a pump! OMFG! What if it fills to much? "Fill it to the Rim, with Brim" shouldn't be coming to mind right now... coffee anyone!? lolThe procedure: You lay on your side, the hose is [gently?] inserted and you have to wait ((!!!!)) ((!!!!)) the "substance" fills you... and then a nurse tells you to hop off the table and run to the commode where you then release! ((!!!!Thank the Lord!!!!)) Once finished, you will "risen and repeat" this 3 more times, until... well.... YOU KNOW!
This is why I decided to practice [as silly as it sounds] a dry run of it… [or should I say a wet?]
Now, if that little bit of “intimate worry” on house-cleaning wasn't enough to get me puckered up, then there is ALSO the preparation of “grooming” the Beans-and-Frank with a complimentary shave. Doh!
Ok, now, in fairness, I've been off hormones for a week, and, well, things are starting to happen again… ummm, lets just say the soldier has found a last wind to stand at attention when ever - even when no one said “Ten-hut!”
What happens if during the “Grooming” preparation that he decides to go out with a solute? [OMG… how embarrassing…] I know, I know, grow up Chloe… but, can I do anything to prepare for this? I am not sure. Better question: Do they need that to happen? Gahh… I am soooo embarrassed even thinking about it.
I’m imagining when I awake after the surgery procedure, looking down at my leg area with blue sheets still covering my legs resting in stirrups; its very quiet, then all the sudden as I am looking at the sheets between my legs, 4 Japanese tourists with camera’s rise from the floor and all say at the same time, “ahhhhhh veddy nice , veddy nice Ms Plince; now say... Cheeeeeeeese”
(Blog and some comments re-Posted from my original Yahoo 360 page)
You have such a great sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteEnema.... eew eew eew eew EWWWWWWW!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I've had them before (my former boyfriend had a thing for cleanliness during... well, you can imagine), and they aren't too awful bad. At least now you know what it feels like, so it won't be quite a shock.
As for the "grooming", I would assume that soldiers coming to attention are nothing new for the surgical staff... and it might make the grooming process a bit easier, since there will be one less thing dangling in the way *giggle*
You are so.o.o.o.o. funny honey!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Chloe! The things you think of to worry about! LOL I guess I must have a crude sense of humor because that was some funny stuff! A grenade and a funnel! :-)
ReplyDeleteI suppose when it comes to my turn I'll be just as anal about it. (pun intended)
Maybe you should shave the "beans and weenee" yourself. I've done it, it's not hard, you just have to be careful. (my ex liked it that way)
Well, I guess the alternative method would be worse. You know...running the hose down from the top and turning on the presure...YIKES. As for Frank standing at attention...it's only fitting to give one last salute before disappearing into the foxhole, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteSuzi, LOL! I guess when you put it that way, your dead balls on!
ReplyDeleteAmber and Lacey, Thanks, i needed to write about this subject, and instead of being all serious about it, I thought I would put a little humor in to lighten it up... What can I say but, "Don't for get to tip your waitresses and thank you - I'll be here all week" {giggle}
Amber, you have a point there that I had not considered. I mean, it's a medical staff! their whole practice centers around "The Frank". I'm sure they are numb to the issue... lol... wow, the jokes just keep coming... omg... lol.
Seriously, thanks for the comments ladies. This is a hard thing for me - getting over modesty and all. Having a few people to offer me some words of advice is really helping me to not be so serious about it.
ha ha, I think you need another enema. I hear coffee works well, but I'm not sure if you have to use decaf. Relax soldier.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised that they are still doing that. If you read the story of the early space program, the fluid insertion was one floor and the release was on another floor! When you are my age, even HMO's require colonoscopies, which in my case was a couple of pills and a jug of Gatoraid, and now it's just the pills I understand. The bottom line is that it's regardless how they clean you out, it's no big deal, that is unless the elevator fails (just kidding). If it's an issue, they generally give you Valium or some other relaxer and you will actually really won't care. DO NOT WORRY!!! They know what they are doing.
ReplyDeleteHi Hon,
ReplyDeleteIt's a piece of cake sweetie - It’s usually three shots and you’re clean. There isn't any pump, just the force of gravity; the more you relax the better it is.
Now the shave was a little weird because we are used to safety razors in the United States. The nurse will take our something you may have seen in the Andy Griffin show over at Floyds barber shop.
It's all planned, it's all ready, and you are going were over a thousand girls have gone before. Relax, you are in wonderful hands.
Love,
Kari
Teri, HAHA, that was a good one. Coffee Enema? Really? hmmm, how about this for a commercial jingle, "The best part of waking up.... is Folger's in your...uh... butt??"
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I wonder what benefits that would behold?
Laura, Colonoscopies? Is that the thing with a camera that goes in to take pictures? If that is what I am thinking of, they do that when they are checking for prostrate cancer too. I like the idea of 2 pills and a bottle of Gatoraid. I wonder if they could do that for me?
You come up with the most interesting topics. I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure they know what they're doing. I kinda like the pic though (blushing).
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny, dear.
ReplyDeleteI get a colonoscopy every year. It's just the drill: enema, take a couple of laxative pills, drink a gallon of 'stuff' (dish water, soapy water) just to make the poop chute nice and clean for the doctor, when he sticks a video camera and cutter up my bum. The nurse gives me a tap with the Fenotal and I'm out.
I swear, the next time I have to go, I'm getting a mirror and a Sharpie. I'm gonna write on my ass 'Please wipe you feet before entering.'
Love-
-Barb
Ah the soapy bum flush and the short back and sides / crew cut to the male genitals, the final farewell 'HIS' bodies stag night , not realising the impending life changing event of the following day.... if he knew what was going to happen to him ... he would run a mile, but the evil woman now in charge of the rest of the body has sealed his fate.... Good Girl!!!
ReplyDeleteYou have to smile at this the beginning of all indignities of the following 3 weeks of 'Show me your wound' a quick flash of your new girls bits , looking at where you will have a nice set of girly lips in time , but realizing your labia looks like a Mick Jagger tribute lol....... Im not saying its to be enjoyed but this is the REAL beginning of the rest of your life, enjoy the pain relief, try and remember the dilation will lessen in time and this is what you have strived for, for so many years......
good luck chick, get well soon and enjoy the longest walk of your life to the shower on day 6 , you will feel like Bambi making his first steps... Jelly legs sort of sums it up
Hugs from the UK and thanks for bringing back memories from coming up 17 months ago
Lisa xxx
It's all good! Practice, Practice Practice.
ReplyDeleteAh! The good soldier standing to attention at his execution, mindless to the end :)
ReplyDeleteChloe, no need to be worrying. Being relaxed is your best bet. I have had both done while in the hospital. Although it was dammmmm over 40 years ago, yes I am old. Anywaays, as far as the enema, if you have a sensitive nurse she will probably help by rubbing your belly and being comforting. I was too young at the time to understand the pleasure that some get while having one done. Today the colonic irrigation practice is very similar, except you dont need to go anywhere you just lay on the bed and the exiting waste is all in a tube. No fuss, no muss, no mess.
ReplyDeleteas far as the save goes, I was 16 at the time, and my hormones were working overtime. But they had an orderly from the Navy come to my room and do the shaving, they didn't want me to be embarrassed having a nurse do it. hehehehe
Well imagine my embarrassment when he starts shaving me and he takes the head of my penis and holds it up and starts shaving all around being very careful. And dammmm he doesn't need to hold it up anymore. hehehe tough to be a teenager with raging hormones, and an erection like you have never seen before.
I am sure you will have nothing to worry about. I just felt like sharing that little story with you and everyone else.
Today i would welcome the opportunity to have someone hold the head of my penis and HOPE I get the erection...... :)
HOLY COW JOE!?
ReplyDeleteAre you sure your telling us everything? {giggle}
Thanks for sharing honey. It might be a little bit on the PG17 side, but I get what you mean behind it - all thought with a post like that, you might get your wishes fulfilled with offers via email after some read that post. lol
Having met several girls who have gone thru SRS and reading the books of others as well talking with Debbie I know more about the great cleansing process that takes place before the surgery. My friend Jane actually told me the prep stuff the day and night before is much worse than the procedure itself. Donna Rose describes in her book crawling the bathroom the night before. Oh the price one pays to have a vagina...LOL......Hugs, Melissa
ReplyDeleteThis takes me back to the night before my op and the morning before,Scoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhh ~ giggles ~ damn it girl this was going to be the worst part of the whole procedure for me.I won't have a poop if I know somebody is within earshot ~ I run taps I'm so embarrassed,imagine me waiting for that rubber tube and warm soapy water ~ and then you just explode.This happens 3 times.Well I was so hyped up about my op this bit was just another little step.It was a bit embarrassing the first time but after that I was cool with it.Don't fret babes it's not a big deal when you get right down to it.As for shaving ~ I was smooooth as a babies' bottom courtesy of my fair hand.
ReplyDeleteThis stage is good to go through because after this nothing is going to embarrass you ever again which is useful for when your dressings come off and the nurse shows you how to dilate yourself ~ you'll be much more relaxed.
Hugs, Kelly xx
p.s. Thank you for including me in your blog Chloe ~ that was a special,loving thing to do ~ bless x
Afraid that soldier-boy will rise to the occasion and take a parting shot? Well, considering the number of SRSes they do there, I'm sure that it won't be the first time, nor the last, so let the little guy have his last hurrah. It's not like you two will be parting company: he'll soon be a very important part of the new you, though soldier-boy may not be too thrilled about being parted into soldier-girl. I'm sure that the staff will be very professional about it, having seen it many times before, so if soldier-boy makes a last stand, just remember, all soldiers want to go out with a bang.
ReplyDeleteSMJ
Melissa, OMG girl, your right - thanks for adding in your thoughts here on my Blog - Enema's and Shaving are just so embarrassing, but you and the other girls have helped me to "Get over myself"... Love you doll!
ReplyDeleteKelly, I didn't realize that shaving my self was an option really. COOL! I will be sure to do it myself then... DUH! Why didn't I think of that - Geezz talk about your Blond moments.
SMJ, WOW! That was an awesome comment! Thank you love, you made me laugh and when i can laugh at myself, I feel so much better and at ease about the situation - knowing I am not the only one in the room who has had to go through this. THANKS hon!
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteRemember, that if you start getting a really weird taste in your mouth, maybe you took on a little too much???
Kelly
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteI wish that was true, but no I haven't received any emails.
OH well.
Joe
Enema's and shaving are embarrassing? Nawww. I have been shaved for years and maintain daily for the "baby smooth" effect. Feels better during those intimate moments also.
ReplyDeleteI can give a few reasons for enema's but all I'll say the feeling of being empty and cleansed is not bad at all. Then again you can get similar effects from a couple of bean burritos.....( and I KNOW you like Mexican...lol)
Anytime I hear or read the word "enema" I hear Jack Nicholson as The Joker saying "This town needs an enema!" :)
ReplyDeleteI have never had one but they certainly do not sound like a pleasant experience, but in the case of what you are about to go through girl it sounds like it's worth it. Being and to put up with it is a good sign of maturity. So don't fret! Just think of what you'll have in the end, something I suspect you will be happily filling up :)
thanks for the comment chloe love ya 2
ReplyDelete