Water babies

My sons Loan and Barry are attending the YMCA youth camps this summer, so to prepare, we have begun taking them to the Y’ so they can begin to get acclimated with the building, staff and make a few friends too.


While at the Y’, I watched the new mothers take their babies into the Water Babies Class. All the infants were sooo adorable and the mothers looked so happy and “In the zone” of their motherhood pride.


As they began to take their children into the water, I focused in on watching one parent in particular. Her child was a little fussy and when she took him into the water, his cries turned into those of panic and hurt. My heart immediately took control of my body, forcing me off my seat at the glass were I watched… I began to make my way over to the door but stopped – “What could I do” I asked myself?


I just watched….


One of the female trainers came over and assisted in the mother’s dilemma. The baby immediately calmed down once in the arms of the lifeguard. Was this because she was female or could the child already sense security and confidence from the life guard?


Continuing to observe, I watched as the mother interacted with another mother, learning to support and trust their child and to “Let go” of control and let the child “Come into his own”. It was dreadfully frightful watching this, as I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how a baby could learn to swim - more over, even harder to grasp how the mothers could gain the confidence to trust their child’s instincts to kick in and swim.


In time, the children (all of them) did, in fact, swim. But this class was not just for the babies, as I believe it was as much for if not almost completely for the mother! With each mother that left, I watched them get out of the water feeling overjoyed with a sense of satisfaction in what they had just experienced. It the look when someone finally “Gets it”.


I cried ever so silently, choking up as I watched a new bond blossom between a mother and her child – it was magnificent… It was the first time in a long time I felt really good for someone else and felt nothing lacking in MYSELF from having shared in the moment.


Being a parent myself, I worry constantly and I think sometimes I am overly cautious with my kids. Not just because they are children of a Transgendered parent, but because the world has overly conditioned the public of “Fear” and subconsciously and subliminally told us what is good and what is bad in our lives… what to fear and what not to fear – what to buy and what to throw away.


I am not by any mean backing off being an involved parent – but I have and continue to learn to be a parent who will encourage my children’s interests and not scare or stifle their dreams or curiosities because of my own fears or ignorance’s. I have learned that my children’s journey of growing up, maturing and becoming their own person is as much a journey for me to share in as my own life itself and THAT just occurred to me! I am going to get to share ALL their experiences from a perspective and its frightening, but thrilling to know I will get to be there to watch it all unfold and even though I myself have walked the path they are on now, it won’t be the same as each of us have a different map to follow.


Being a parent for 6 years already, you’d think I’d known that already. Well, I did… but I didn’t. I have been so worried about me for so long – the vale of sadness is being lifted. Jealousy and inferiority are evaporating – I can feel laughter or pain for others… I feel the ice melting in my heart and lately, with no warning at all, I begin to cry for joy… Joy for others and for simple things.


I have been off all week form work and each day I got up I would watch out the window and absorb in the day light. Feeling the warmth warm my skin – I feel my senses have heightened and are on full alert to any stimulation - large or small.


Eve of Embarking


Bags are pack, flights scheduled. The passport and letters are ready – I have Travelers checks on stand by and made all the arrangement for things to be on auto pilot for the month while gone. Family will come to live with my Wife and kids and help to house sit the cats too (they do crazy things when left alone to long).


I am sure I am forgetting a few things, but my first stop is in Canada. My travel companion and friend Adarabeth whom I became close with through the sisterhood of Gender Evolve will be hosting me in her home in the town of Edmonton Canada for 3 days before we catch our flights to Thailand. If I am missing anything or need anything, this will be the time I discover it and will have the opportunity to address the issue when we visit THEE Worlds largest mall – “The West Edmonton Mall”


Eat your heart out ladies!! {giggle}


That’s right, we will be spending a lot of time exploring West Edmonton Mall so much so, that I have decided to bring an empty suit case just in case I decide to fill it there. {Pace yourself Chloe}


I’ve packed light because I also know that I will not need tons and tons of clothes. I will be laying in bed and walking around a clinic and sleeping in a hotel A LOT! So, I really only need a few basics – like a skirt, jeans a few tops, sandals, one dress, robe, night gown, and the basics light socks, underwear and bra’s. I am not bring very much make up or styling products. Again, just basics – I’m having surgery, not a debut walking down the cat walk of Thailand’s dinner theaters featuring Lady Boys of the united nations.


I’ve set up communications too for while I am over sea’s. If you would like to talk to me while I am in Thailand, it is no problem for me to call you – all you need to do is shoot me a private email with your number and the country you live in.


I will also have Yahoo IM going. My Yahoo ID is: chloeprince2000 If I am available to chat, I will be visible online. A few girls have told me that while they were there they had many people trying to IM them at once and it was hard to keep answering everyone individually, so they said to start a conference chat and add people into it and if they have something they want to say privately, they can on the side. That’s what I will do, so if you IM me, most likely I will bring you into a conference chat – I will later post those chat logs to my Blog for a special post. Private IM’s I will however NOT being posting. I hope this will answer many peoples questions and spark some conversation and thoughts to boot.


I have also worked out the details of capturing my journey on film. Now my laptop is a PC – keep in mind I usually edit my movies on a Mac Pro, which is so easy, it practically does it its self. The PC Laptop I have has been loaded with Pinnacle Studio Ultimate. That is not the bet package to edit video’s, but it is about the limit of capability of my Laptop that only has a 2.1Ghz Core 2 Duo Processor with 3 Gigs of Ram and a 160 Gig HD. It runs Windows Vista in the 32 bit mode so I am most likely NOT going to be posting everything I film in HD, if at all. I am running out to Best buy tomorrow and picking up a 1 Terabyte Drive to store all the videos. That sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t.


My HD Camcorder films at 16.9 Wide Screen1080i Resolution in standard default mode. That takes up 3 Meg for each second it films. Instead, I will set the camera to 4.3 Standard TV Screen size at 480i Resolution – This setting only uses one tenth the space on the Hard Drive.


I plan on trying to assemble some footage that will help broaden the knowledge and understand of having SRS in Thailand. Many girls have made a path there – but I hope to add to the people that will work to widen that path a bit by contributing to the knowledge base of experience of those whom have had SRS in Thailand.


Every time I would tell people about going to Thailand for SRS, they looked at me like I was going to a 3rd world country to have a voodoo witch doctor perform an illegal procedure in a back alley or something. I find that disturbing, but par for the course because most Americans are under the impression that no where else in the world is healthcare (or for that matter anything else at all) better than it is here in the States. How sad I feel for them when I hear this because that simply is so untrue.


I have a few relatives that work as both medical assistances and or office secretaries. Some how, this has made them not only expert doctors whom can diagnose Gender Identity Disorders but it also has made them authorities on the subject of medical healthcare around the world. This is frustrating because the more they talk about it with other relatives, the more damage they do not only for me, but for the community at large because it spreads anti-Trans propaganda from their limited experiences they have had or read about on the subject of Transsexuals.


“No Surgeon will ever touch you” is what one of them told me… WOW. This person actually works for a hospital too. They attest that they have had a Transsexual person come in to their Emergency Room and not only did the x-rays become a viewing spectacle among the staff, but they refused to give her adequate care. Now this person some times reads my Blog, I hope many of you will offer up a comment to that statement to help them with this issue. The ignorance has spread to other people I know from this assessment and even sent others into panic attacks. I myself will not defend these arguments at this time because I’m not post-op, yet. So speaking now would be strictly from barrowed knowledge.


Adarabeth has helped me to see some of my own Americanized misconceptions of Yankee superiority over the world. I’m not being anti American, but we are controlled so much her by the media and through fear. I feel my IQ has went up 50 points just from not watching the boob tube. The news stations are the worst, with adds for beauty products, apparel and comedic treatments all tying for 2nd worst. Not only do I feel smarter, I feel prettier too! Those ads on TV and in magazine are ALL photoshoped and airbrushed. NO ONE looks as good as the do in their photos as they do in real life. I know that is something we all know, yet, every time the Victoria Secrets catalog comes to my has each quarter, my self esteem plummets and I end up buying a few items that NEVER look as good as it did in the catalog. But that’s what they wanted to do – they wanted me to feel bad and hopefully, I will feel prettier with their clothes, makeup and accessories. Well, IT WORKS every time! I am suckered in and I order.


Now that I have my own boobs, it IS rewarding to buy tops and bra’s and they not only fit, but look sexy fierce too. I can’t wait till my panties fit correctly I bought a cute VS Swim suit to try on after I am able too Post-op. I also am bringing a new pair of VS Bra and Panties that I have been saving and refused to wear until I was post op. They are WAY too cute and I just couldn’t even bring myself to bear and image of myself in them Pre-op with my boy parts bulging out – The panties deserve better than that – omg are they cute. (Sorry, that will be a limited viewing engagement) *snickers* Me, and the mirror.


Well, tomorrow before I leave, I am happy and lucky to report, that my Dad will be going with me to Transfamily of Cleveland Support group. I asked him to invite my mom too, but he said “that’s just not in the cards right now”… and I left it at that.


My parents in the past 6 months since telling them on my birthday last November of my intentions to have SRS and declaring my sexuality by asserting “I do not want a wife, I want to be a wife” have been completely rocked by the whole situation. I know they must be feeling so powerless, embarrassed, guilt ridden, isolated, shameful, angry, confused, and now, numb to what their son is doing – becoming a woman.


My mom has been having some health issues lately. High Blood pressure double of what it should be has crippled her ability to cope with the situation that is “Chloe” right now. I feel really bad that I am leaving on mothers day – Worse, since she is not going to Transfamily, I most likely will not get to see her before I leave. This makes me cry when I think about it – I had bought her a special candle at a “Lit Wick” Candle party a girlfriend invited me to a few weeks back. When I first smelled the candle, it smelled like my grandma’s house at Christmas time. (Her mothers). My grandma always put on a great Christmas dinner and the house always smelled so good – the candle instantly brought me back to those memories – I wanted to fill her home with that scent and hopefully a memory of something special from the past.


Either way, I am going to hurt my mom on mothers day because IF I go to her house to say good bye on mothers day, she will want to “Get into it” and I don’t want that for her or me. If I don’t go to her house, then she may feel that see and her opinions are insignificant – and that is just SOOO not true. I love my mom, but I have to love her enough now that I must not try to upset her by going over mothers day and making it “all about me”. {God please help me…}


My Dad is in a different place about all this than my mom. To understand his position you would need to understand him first. I don’t have time to explain that now, but I will say no matter what, he has ALWAYS come through in the end – he has the ability to forgive great injustices (in time) and is not afraid to admit when he is wrong. My mom would not agree with that probably, but my relationship with my dad’s is not the same as her is with him… so THAT is how I choose to cast light on my father.


My dad’s position is that I am (For lack of a better word to substitute for the ones he actually said to me) feels I‘m “coping out” on my family – abandoning my responsibility to be a father, husband and take my place as the head male of the family. My children will NEVER have a normal or productive life ad has forever been lead into the gallows of a doomed future of embracement and shame because of me…. This is his position.


To my fathers credit, of all the family I have, he is the ONLY one that has chosen to get involved, get educated and is keeping an open mind to what he will see and hear at Transfamily. I’m not expecting a miracle, because that miracle already happened when he said that he would go. That told me already everything I needed to know about my Dad – that he DOES love me and cares about me – so much so, he can set his own fears of comfort and boundaries aside, come to my level and learn what I know, and then, make an educated opinion and sort out fact from prejudice.


If after he has been given the tools and knowledge to understand and still can’t come to a place were he accepts me – then, that will be ok too. For me, I will know that he did try and so did I, and just because he doesn’t accept me, doesn’t me I won’t love him and continue to be there for him 100%. It just means that we agree to disagree and that is ok. What IS NOT and WILL NOT be ok for me, is when someone makes an uneducated opinion and doesn’t give you the chance to say or prove otherwise. That’s where my mom is at – and pretty much the rest of the family. As I said, my Dad is the ONLY one that has made the effort. Do I love any of the other people any less – no. I love them still – but I do feel sorry for each of them because they have only hurt themselves. I am a pretty cool kid… Always have been. I don’t need to brag my resume, but I feel sorry for them because, its their loss – Not mine. I feel no loss because I never lost anything – they are still there, just in a social comma from the 50’s.


They don’t think I “Get them”… which brings me back to the Water Babies. Its good to trust your instincts when your young, but when you’re the parent, have faith in your children’s instincts too. Support and protect them as they learn to struggle a bit as they find their balance and a voice of their own.


Mom, Dad, Family… I just want to say, “I get you”… I get what and how this has all changed everything. I understand and sympathize with your anger, confusions, and pain as you grieve the loss and continued embarrassment and shame from my Transition. It has become a “Pink Elephant” in the room of everyone’s lives.


My question to all of you: “Do you get me?” I mean, where do you get the information you have, because NONE of you have bothered to call me, except one uncle who after crudely describing what a worthless (N-word) I am, asked if he could see my boobs.


(New sentence} my Cousins have been very kind and makes me take comfort in our younger generations that society HAS soften our hearts and instilled tolerance to a degree. Each of my cousins have called or emailed me expressing their love for me and that while they may, or may not understand, I am still family and that my choices are not what is important, but what is in my heart IS. **hugs each of you**


Looking over my shoulder now, I am happy to say, I have no regrets – none. If something should in the remotest possibility go wrong, do not pity me – understand, this is my choice and I under stand the risks. I accept anything good or bad that befalls me… and I am ok with that. I do not nor will I be a burden on anyone if something should happen to me.


My father said to me once, “We look at the out comes from the choices you are making now, and THAT is what we are worried about and what we are trying to help you avoid”.


Well, I understand that too, as a parent myself. But, just like the Water Babies, parents sometimes need to let go, even when they are older and experience controls their emotion and actions, they need to LET GO and allow the rain to fall into the direction the winds blow it… Sometimes.


This is one of those times. How do I know that? Because my whole life has been lived out among that wind – blowing from one place in my mind to another… never being at peace to rest – like a leaf blowing across a parking lot. For the first time – I feel stable and grounded – anchored to my future and committed 100% to which direction now I wish to walk the remainder of my life. THAT is how I know… I’ve NEVER felt that way even when I got married, had children and bought properties and rental units. NOTHING has ever made me feel content.


Today – I am content.


Thank you - each and everyone of you… thank you God for sending me an angel for giving me their wings and allowed me to fly above the dark forest to arrive at the rainbows end.




“Make it so”…

-Chloe