Post-op 1 Month: A strange feeling came over me like no other... during the first month while in Thailand, I felt a mosaic of new and strange "truths" settle upon me. One of them was so "unexplainable", that is, until I received the following letter from a F2M TS TransMan friend of mine.-------------Begin Letter-----------
Hi Chloe,
Here is a thought about what you said about feeling better after the SRS.....
Do you think that YOU might be grieving the loss of "Ted"? I know that we are so happy to get things right as far as our brains and our mirrors, but it doesn't mean that you wouldn't miss the person that you were - ya know what I mean?? When I left work just before my chest surgery I found it VERY strange that I burst out in tears and had to go around to all of my good work friends and hug them goodbye as (former female name), one last time. That emotion really weirded me out as I thought I was so happy to be getting rid of "her" to become "him".
I wish for you peace of heart my friend,
Always,
(Name removed)
-------------End Letter-------------
My friend had hit the nail on the head - I was remorseful for the loss of Ted. It was strange... for so long I had tried to distance myself from that identity, there was a moment in time that was like free falling, where you see your old self and the new at the same time, saying good bye to one another. The bondage of being Ted was something familiar and easy to hide behind - no more would that be possible. As confident as I was in my choice even then, a disturbance in my heart had immobilized me with fear for almost a month...
...there was no going back. I'm Chloe.
Then the tears ran... and ran and ran....
I'm Chloe.
This is not something that is easy to describe... but I think its important to document that (at least with me), there was a moment where I felt sorry for "Ted", because he had no chance... In the end, Ted awoke for the last time to realize, "he" was the ghost in the movie now and Chloe was actually the one alive...
-Chloe
Powerful stuff! Thanks for sharing it.
ReplyDelete~~Lana
Very profound thoughts and feelings! I'm guessing that there's really no way to truly understand the depth of it until you're actually faced with it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're doing well these days!
How could we not wonder at some point...did I do the right thing?
ReplyDeleteWe work and sacrifice to become ourselves as we are sure we should be. Yet it's scary when we can no longer go back...we're totally committed forever. The bright side is that I'm so happy I moved on and became Lori...I'd never want to go back knowing what I do now.
Hope you are always happy too!!!
Sounds like a real normal reaction, now it's time to revel in Chloe-iness, and enjoy your new freedom glad you're ok xxx Jim
ReplyDeleteVery unexpected reaction and feelings!!! I would not have imagined that this would happen to a TS. As the others have noted though, life goes on and you will enjoy Chloe more and more.
ReplyDeleteChloe, I agree with Lacey. Most of the TS ladies I know, do not hate their male identity but they want to shed it to become one with the brain. When I look at you now, compared to you, pre-op...I see a butterfly that has fought it's way out of a cocoon. As your wings dry and you learn to fly for the first time, being warm and safe in that cocoon will give way to new challenges and a beautiful spirit so rare in this world. Your smile is so radiant now...your new happiness will go far in overcoming the old obstacles. :)
ReplyDeleteSuzi
Lacey & Suzi, I need to clarify, that I am now at a point that I am good with myself. I didn't at any time regret my decision, BUT, there was a point where I cried and mourned for my male self - and it is just a feeling that came over me... it is to hard to describe.
ReplyDeleteI knew going in there would be no return... but I had NO IDEA that I would actually feel grief for my former self. I am over it... and like Lori MacNeil said: "I'd never want to go back".
I didn't want to write about this until I was clear with myself about it. At SCC, I had the chance to talk with many Post-Ops and share, Each of them all said they had in one form or another, some sort of post-op depression - but that, the feelings causing the depression are so overwhelming that its hard to sort out. PArt of that depression for me was the loss of an identity that I could hide behind and that OTHERS (like family and my wife) loved. I knew that I had forever taken HIM away from them... I feared what I would be to them now, as Chloe.
I love my Body and I LOVE being whole... there's NO WAY I would ever go back, nor want too. That doesn't mean its easier to be a girl or post-op... there is ALOT of maintenance and struggle to get here and even beyond in your post-op care. Even so, I wouldn't trade it for the world!
-Chloe
Nice to read such sincere honesty about such a major change in one's life. Grieving for the loss of the image you worked so hard to become seems like it would be a natural part of the process.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this.
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know HOW MUCH I LOVE you! I truly with that I could be walking with you on your journey into womanhood! If I knew THEN what I know NOW, I would have pursued the same dream that you have made true. My soul, my heart, and the core of my being SCREAM woman every moment of my life. And I can't tell you how much those feelings have intensified over the last few years. I hope to have the chance to meet you in person some day!
XOXO,
Gini
It was nice to read someone show some peace with an aspect of their life, rather then spew venom all over it like the genetic male which they were born didn't deserve any respect. I think that you showed Ted some. I wish others on their journey would also do the same.
ReplyDeleteFor me this hasn't really hit yet, probably because i am only about a year into transition. i did like the male person that i was and i don't really want to erase "him" from my memory or history. "He" was just incomplete, a partial, abridged person. Anyway, about that mourning feeling, it did manifest in a dream for me recently. In the dream i was very busily tending to my children, doing this and that for them and with them when i suddenly realized i had another child i totally forgot about. He was a frail, scared little boy who looked just like me and he was crying because i forgot about him and when i saw hime i hugged him and burst into tears and told him how sorry i was that i forgot him. i woke up still crying and realized that boy was me.
ReplyDeleteyour wife sounds cool
ReplyDeleteI waited 58 years to be me and the only thing I felt after SRS was relief.
ReplyDeleteThe only grief I felt was for my family they were so upset over the end of a part of me I truly loathed.
It has been nearly three years since that glorious day and all I feel is the joy of being
free of the person I was imprisoned in, I don't look back I look forward to the wonders in front of me.
I feel blessed and I can only thank Goddess for it all
Love and Light,
Mia
Mia it sound like we have a lot in common waited 57 years was to
ReplyDeletehave GRS 2/22/08 but ran out of money. Yes the grief I felt I cause
my family and now Ex-wife was devastating for them at first. I have a
wonderful family because 99.9% except me and love me and that is a
few 4 children and 8 grandchildren. Oh even my Ex has remained my
friend. Sure it was a sad lonely road I took but even though my GRS
is not done living full time for the past 3 years is the most
wonderful thing in my life and as you only looking forward into the
future.
Hugs,Leslie
Hi Leslie
ReplyDeleteYes we have been down the same roads, I only hope you are able to find a way to have GRS soon.
I maxed out my credit cards and went to Thailand for GRS I am one of Dr. Komol's girls it took three years to pay off my debts now it's all mine.
Mia in my case I was almost broke from the start thinking of my
ReplyDeletefamily first. Giving my wife the house and everything in it est. 3/4
million cashed my IRA in gave my son my collector car worth a few
thousand dollars. I started with fixing my teeth at a cost of 40,000
dollars minor surgery on face 7,000 my nose 6,500 and boobs 6,500. I
had a buy a car in this time too plus pay for some of a Gall Badder
surgery because my work dropped my insurance on me costing me 4,000.
I did have a rental I sold for 240,000 but half was got in 2 days for
paying half the debt my wife and I made plus mine because I had to
take a loan to pay my taxes 20,000 in taxes. I moved to Tennessee
where I bought a nice little home for 60,000 and in trying to find
work found none. Racking up 50,000 in credit cards and having my car
Repo. I'm living here with a guy who did pay 19,000 toward the house
but drained what saving I had left. I'm glad he has a wonderful kind
Mother who loves me and him because she is helping us thought these
hard times. Our messed up lives can cost us everything but would do
it all over so we can be the true us.
This thread is awesome. Once again, I think Chloe has struck a common chord in all of us. Our situations, and how each of us is dealing and has dealt with it are all a little different, yet basically we all seem very much alike. I am currently in the process of coming out to all my loved ones, in fact all that is left is my mother. It has been so very difficult and I have had mixed reactions.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I have come to know is that imagining things and "being ready" for them is one thing.... and then actually experiencing them is quite another entirely! I always thought coming out would change things forever, and it has, but OMG I can see that GRS will definitely seal-the-deal in ways that I can only imagine. But thanks to Chloe (and others here) who have so eloquently described what that feeling is like for them, I have gained some amazing insight.
For me, I have never thought of my GID as some sort of splt personality thing, but lately I have never felt so much as two distinct people as I do now. Emotionally at least, and I am watching "him" slowly fade into the background. I never "hated" him, rather I think I always hated having to be him when he is not quite me. I hate the fact that my loved ones are all grieving the loss of a persona. And, I hate the fact that I have always been "held back" from just being free to be..... me.
The other day, I was driving in the car with my 13 year old son. He knows about my transition (the wife and kids moved out a couple months ago) but has not felt comfortable seeing me as Lana yet, so I was in "dad mode." We were relaxed and talking and I noticed all the vivid cloud formations against a vibrant blue sky--I instinctively said, "Oh look at the sky, aren't the clouds beautiful?" He looked at me strangely and had a silly smirk on his face. I knew right away that he didn't not find my perspective or my comment to be appropriate for "a man." This was so reminiscent of the constant, subtle, emotional beat-down I got growing up whenever I let my guard down and dared to just be me. This was especially pronounced as I have a twin sister and my gender role was so narrowly defined. There was never any room for deviation. And so I am reminded, once again how painful it is to know that even those closest to us cannot get past what they have always "known" or what they see on the exterior. Will it ever end?
Warm Embraces to All,
~~Lana
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteSurgery is not for everyone. The vast majority of us never have SRS. Its a goal but not everything For each of us who do there are 4 who don't. I fit into the one, I had surgery because I had to. Some of us have a point where SRS is no longer an option. It becomes very unpleasant to hat the old penis to the point you want to cut it off.
To the group that had it because they could, Congratulations please help others too.
To those like me that really had no choice, isn't it nice to have that booggie thing gone and a chance to relax as who you really are.
Even though I'm still pre-op, I personally can not fanthom grieving
ReplyDeleteover the death of my "male" side. I have always had a bitter hatred
towards my male side, to the point of an attempted suicide and
putting a knife through my testes 3 times one night.
The only feeling I can imagine after having SRS is the feeling of
years of oppression being lifted for me and tears of joy because I
could finally be the woman I was born to be.
I have often wondered if this is the difference between Gender
Identity Disorder as described in the DSM and the ones who choose to
change their genders out of choice.
Lynn,
ReplyDeleteI would not presume to know what makes any of us decide what, why or
how each of us choose to travel this path of Gender Variance.
However, keep in mind, your "Fathoming" from what you believe and how
you feel "now". Pre-Op, I felt the same as you. Speaking from a
perspective though form the other side, I felt for a while a loss....
I grieved.
I admit, I am one of the most SELF ABSORBED TG's you will ever meet -
just ask those that know me... I am a mirror whore.. I try to tell you
all, but no one believes me.
I grieved for the last time for Ted because "I" didn't think anyone
else would... HOW WRONG and pathetic I was. The truth is, my whole
family and many other people are STILL and for a long time, maybe even
always will be, grieving the loss of Ted.
I corrected this Blogs last line - actually, I completely removed it -
because it was pointed out to me as being something very selfish and
self absorbed - and IT WAS. Actually, in my defense, it was poor
choice of words.
When your in the thick of battle and you finally make it across the
bridge and cross over it just in time to blow up behind you, you have
time to cry for moment for all those that didn't make it to the other
side... and truthfully, a peace of me felt left behind too.
Its not ABOUT the surgery or hating my body - It was about ALL the
other people that loved Ted, and when I left him behind, something
that will never be replaced went with him for other people. THATS
WHAT HURTS.
I am over it. Now, I realize I am whole and healed completely. Now I
have a chance to start over and fill in the spots Ted's absence leaves
behind... now I have the chance to be the whole child for my kids...
Time will tell... but notice I say "I" alot in there....
What the real story is, "What about everyone else involved"? Where is
their peace and closure...
I am not sure, and that can't be fixed with surgery. My surgery is
done and now that I am not focused on "all about me"... I see the wake
of destruction and hurt left behind...
Yes, we can all write a great response to this post and the comments
made, but in the end, the people that need to comment, are the ones
still dealing with the fall out of what we have caused.
For that, I grieved.
"Its not all about me"
-Chloe
Pauline what I said here may not have gave you a clear picture of
ReplyDeleteme. What I mainly wrote here was the fact the economy got so bad at
the same time I was to have my GRS. Bad timing but that has been luck
most of my life because I hate my male parts I thought of ways to get
rid of it all my life. This transition I started 3 1/2 years ago is only the second time I tried this. The first time was in 1975 I was 27 married with 2 small children and half crazy thinking of my life and how could I change it. Reading the newspaper from Baltimore,Md.
I saw an article about Dr. John Money a pioneer in sexual reassignment surgery and thinking wow maybe this is my answer to my prayer. So I went to see him at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Batlimore,Md. only 60 miles down the road from me. I take many test asking about everything you could think of and taking me close to 2 hrs to complete them. See I was part of history for the data behind the standards they have now. I'm waiting and waiting finally an assistant of Dr. Money calls
my name and went in to hear him say. Well because your married and
only seem to like females there is nothing we can do for you and by
the way you seem to be depressed. Tell me how do you think this would
make you feel for me it devastated me and for the next week thought
of nothing but ending my life. Thank God my wife was there that day I tried. I'm sure many have stories much the same maybe even worst but I will never stop wanting GRS and will one day have it done. Not all of us are as lucky as others on this journey.
This use to make me cry thinking about it.
Mia, (among other things) I felt too - the loss of what my male self was to others... and even to myself. I guess I am a bit different in the fact that, I never hated my penis, I just hated NOT having a vagina!
ReplyDeleteThe same is true about my male life and what it ment to others - there
was a sense of loss - that loss was a price I had to pay for my new
self that I love more. Unfortunately, that price came at others expense, and only after the surgery did that, and a few other things REALLY sink in.
If anyone has ever had to go through and clean out a friend or
relatives home that has died, that is what it was like. Coming home
and having to deal with the clean up and the loss of someone that will
Never be coming back... no more security blanket.
I have made peace with my male self, and I actually look back on my
past as a male as a blessing, because Ted was every bit loved and nice as Chloe is. I just couldn't love myself as Ted. Now I do, as Chloe - Completely Chloe. I will no longer look back at that period of my life as something to be ashamed or feel bad about.
-Chloe
Hi Chloe
ReplyDeleteI never hated my penis,... after all it became my most treasured asset.
My self hatred was because of a sense of responsibility that was stronger than the need to be a woman and that caused a conflict that nearly drove me insane.
My children were grown and on their own before I was able to speak the words that opened my self inflicted prison " I am transsexual" and there was no going back.
I have been on the "Cleanup crew" far too many times, it was the first time I felt a fierce joy by erasing that other person for good.
There was no sense of loss for me because I knew the persona I had worn for 56 years was a role I played to fool society for my own protection, nothing more, nothing less.
Love and Light, Mia
I think I said before you lived as given, male/ That will be always part of your mind but you now are the true you and all of you knows that. Now you live in the right place. All of you know that.
ReplyDeleteEven though I missed out on GRS the first of the year living full
ReplyDeletetime now I never think of my male self. I hated my male self and
suffering that long hard battle inside of me for 50 plus years
knowing I was living a lie all of those years. Most of the time I
forget I have male parts and find it very hard remembering Thomas the
fake male I made-up so many years before. I'm sure if and when I do
have GRS I will not miss Thomas at all. My family has excepted me I
think because I have showed the same love toward them in both phases
of my life.
Hugs,Leslie
Mia, yes we went into protection mode; our society times sent us there. So now the are late bloomers like us and new sisters who can be themselves without the yokes we had.
ReplyDeleteIn life most of us have had make our mind match our body for whatever reason. It became part of what we are. In Cloe's case she is saying good by to Ted who she had to be to live in society. YES she grieves loosing a part of who she is and she has done that. The actual thing is that the only part of Ted that is gone is the facade and grieve that the rest is her. All of use will go through this in one way or another. We are the total of our lives but in the end we our ourselves when given the chance.
ReplyDeleteWith you all,
Michelle
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteThanks for that wonderful post. I am beginning to realize the 'finality' of my own GRS and am already making peace with the fact that three of four members of my family refuses to accept the real me as who I am. I realize, too, that they are grieving the death of their son and brother (but simply don't realize it themselves) and I realize that it is all because I finally realized what it was that was missing about my own life and what I had to do about it to ever be 'whole'.
My own personal situation went something like this: Social conditioning kicks in and says "why couldn't you have just made the sacrifice of living as the dutiful son and brother?", Then it modifies itself to "Could you really have made the sacrifice of living as the dutiful son and brother?" But it always came back to the same realization that it was not and absolutely is not possible to back track to those times and be what they wanted me to be without completely giving up the positive and value filled life I now know as Danielle.
I only completely committed myself to go through the GRS when I was finally certain that "he" was already dead and nothing could ever bring him back, no matter how much others may wish it could.
It is regrettable that most of my natal family has chosen to deny themselves the pleasure of knowing the positive and hopeful person that I am rather than remembering the sad and dejected, (but dutiful) person they have instead decided to simply "remember" (their word, not mine). But in the end, the loss is not mine. It is theirs. So life goes forward in the manner that it was always meant to be, and I continue in my dedication to making it better for those who come after us.
And I believe we are all better for it.
Danielle Coates
[Response to Lynn]
ReplyDeleteAt one time the DSM was very accurate. but to bring it into the new century and include more of us it was changed and the differences grouped together. The term I remember for those of us who had the greatest risk if surgery was disapproved was a "True Transsexual" It has been used wrongly for well over 10 years, It ment that this small group would just as soon die as live with any male parts. It also noted that many times they developed normally for many years then something "Triggered" the feelings and it could only be turned of with surgery.
I noticed it was very close to how I developed, many of my friends also. Cd's who suddenly had surgery. One doctor I knew (deceased) got a couple approved in 4-6 months.
Take care
[Response to Lynn]
ReplyDeleteLynn,
I would not presume to know what makes any of us decide what, why or
how each of us choose to travel this path of Gender Variance.
However, keep in mind, your "Fathoming" from what you believe and how
you feel "now". Pre-Op, I felt the same as you. Speaking from a
perspective though form the other side, I felt for a while a loss....
I grieved.
I admit, I am one of the most SELF ABSORBED TG's you will ever meet -
just ask those that know me... I am a mirror whore.. I try to tell you
all, but no one believes me.
I grieved for the last time for Ted because "I" didn't think anyone
else would... HOW WRONG and pathetic I was. The truth is, my whole
family and many other people are STILL and for a long time, maybe even
always will be, grieving the loss of Ted.
I corrected this Blogs last line - actually, I completely removed it -
because it was pointed out to me as being something very selfish and
self absorbed - and IT WAS. Actually, in my defense, it was poor
choice of words.
When your in the thick of battle and you finally make it across the
bridge and cross over it just in time to blow up behind you, you have
time to cry for moment for all those that didn't make it to the other
side... and truthfully, a peace of me felt left behind too.
Its not ABOUT the surgery or hating my body - It was about ALL the
other people that loved Ted, and when I left him behind, something
that will never be replaced went with him for other people. THATS
WHAT HURTS.
I am over it. Now, I realize I am whole and healed completely. Now I
have a chance to start over and fill in the spots Ted's absence leaves
behind... now I have the chance to be the whole child for my kids...
Time will tell... but notice I say "I" alot in there....
What the real story is, "What about everyone else involved"? Where is
their peace and closure...
I am not sure, and that can't be fixed with surgery. My surgery is
done and now that I am not focused on "all about me"... I see the wake
of destruction and hurt left behind...
Yes, we can all write a great response to this post and the comments
made, but in the end, the people that need to comment, are the ones
still dealing with the fall out of what we have caused.
For that, I grieved.
"Its not all about me"
-Chloe
[Reply to Leslie]
ReplyDeleteI have not just heard of such It was pulled on me in the late 90's. I was searching for surgeons, Dr George Landis (I think, Landru ?) I am old, told me he would not concider it unless I got a divorce. DR Shila Kirk (a dear friend) wrote him and basicly chewed him out for such an old idea.
The University of Minnesota told me they would not concider giving me a second letter unless I got a divorce, I asked why? Becouse she could sue us. Well, i said, aren't you afraid I will sue you for a denial of my rights/
My wife came in the next week with me to discuss it with them, they sent home a statement that said she was giving me permission. She blacked out any reference to permission and put in she knew I was so intending.
A year after surgery we seperated, and divorced the following year (2001). My midle doughter kept harping at her to throw me out.
I remarried in 2002, my new husband was a transgenderist. Loved him very much, he died of colon cancer in 04.
I have been told by many tring to get surgery in the 60-70's that DR's would demand proof you liked men, ask for blowjobs etc. Some wanted to view you having sex with a man. Oh, the good ol' days NOT.
they first looked at you and decided if you could be a woman, to big, too husky, too unwomanly you were out. They expeceted you to live in total stelth, no one was to know, no more Cristines.
Schrang, Meltzer, Wilson and Biber never asked.
I did the Shrang thing.
DR John Money, scurge of the GLBT. He tried to make a boy be a girl, tried to make gays go straight. Influcened Zucker.
Money killed the Reimer twins.
He will not be missed.
I am glad you have been better.
I prayed every nite for GOD to let me wake up as a woman, June 2, 1999 I got my prayers answered.35 days before my 54 birthday. My insurance company covered it. I have many reasons to believe in GOD, those are just two. I do count my blessings, they never seem to end.
My signature isn't a poem, its been my life.
Pauline
"The first step of any journey is the hardest, the last the most fulfilling. May GOD be your companion on your journey. Always stop and smell the flowers. Time will stand still in the garden."
Wow I never thought of going through all that. I recently read from Vicky about another T who transitioned years ago and now has some regrets over the loss of family, friends career and for her and many I'm sure loss of all of their past and connections to it. How painful and something I myself fear. Probably the main reason I hesitate to peruse transition. I guess I'm so close and connected to all of them that the thought of losing it all at least currently would really really be difficult for me. Don't mis-understand me I still so long to be complete but fear the loss to be me.
ReplyDeletethem
ReplyDeleteThat was so so beautiful Chloe very very moving which will make people realize this is a one deal, no turning back once it is complete and you will mourn for the male in you. I can not say I am fully female as of yet, but my male will always, always be with me because it isn't about the penis. It is about the person who resides in me, we together are a team.
ReplyDeleteGood for you my dear, I hope you the very best. As the one person who can not accept me for me stated “Life is what we make of it, so get living.”
That is what I did.
Shauna
I just found your blog (actually, through mine! haha). Several months ago, I had FFS done, and went through many of the same feelings you described here. In some ways, I think it may be more difficult than with GRS, simply because you're affecting your face, which you see every day. I spent the week prior to the surgery meeting up with as many friends and family as possible, and in many ways saying goodbye. And yes, I grieved for several days after, amidst the excitement of the results.
ReplyDeleteJust the other night, 4+ months later, I stumbled across some old mementos of my childhood, while cleaning the garage. I just burst into tears. My friend who was helping me, and had no idea what was going on, asked if those "belonged to someone that is dead now" - I didn't understand her meaning at the time, but she had nailed it. I'm still grieving, I guess. No regrets, none at all. But I did take someone's life through my actions... and that's a tough one to work past.
What an amazing way you have with words, you articulate your feelings so well. I suspect that leaving who we are behind to become someone else is never completely easy, even when it's to change into who we know we really want/need to be. It must be all the more so when the change is such a tangible one. ~Hug~
ReplyDeleteChloe, I understand exactly what you meant and just thought that the grieving for the male personality that has passed on was kind of a new thought. I can understand it now that you have explained it, but just never imagined that it might happen. Love Ya, Lacey
ReplyDeleteHi Chloe ,
ReplyDeleteI did my mourning for 'Him' the day I finally became full time, bagging up his old clothes was like cleaning up the personal affects of a member of the family or a friend who had died. SRS was simply the point of no return the final piece in the genital jigsaw.
It is strange how we look back and feel almost a sense of loss, after all we have spent so much time with this guy, years of our lives getting to know and love him, after all , for so many years this person even if much of it was a pretence to make the world accept us was a part we played .
I wonder if a similar feeling is felt by actors who play a role for years and years like old soap stars and long running drama and sitcom stars , it must be a similar feeling leaving behind someone that you will never be again , a part that has seen its life out.
Big hugs from the UK
Lisa x
Thank you for writing this, Chloe. When I get to that point of grieving for Mike, at least I will know that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteAs for what you said about post-op care... it adds a whole new meaning to the term "high-maintenance woman". *wink*
The story I read is my latest blog. If you like to, read it and give me your comments. Mch of what she wrote are my fears. Unfortunately the older I get the more I fear this.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you posted this blog, In many ways I am grieving the loss of Eric. I don't miss looking like him or even being him, But I miss what he had and how people were happy with being with him and his freedom.
ReplyDeleteI have some ffs in November and my grs in July. So I am seeing the last of his life gone and I feel like a part of me has died.
This blog makes me realize I am not the only one who has or had these feelings, Thank you.....
Chloe, great blog. I always enjoy reading what you have to say. Wishing the best for you always!
ReplyDeleteHi Girl,,,,
ReplyDeleteMy theripist warned of this several months ago. She said I would grieve the passing of Paul. It seems her words have come true with you and I am sure in time they will with me also.But I think I will survive with the help of friends like you and the LOVE of my life Melissa.It is so very important to stay in touch with those in our community when many of our own loved ones reject us. So hang in there girl,,you look great and hope to see you soon......Paula
Hi Chloe,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like a lifetime ago but in the months leading up to my Thailand Trip, Erika and I talked about some of her perspective and that although her husband had been away for some time... There were no sympathy cards, never a real goodbye, no visitation, no funeral and yet she knew he was going to Thailand to die.
Maybe I let go a long time ago and just live live by going through the motions but I never actually mourned the loss of Chris. He gave me so many wonderful gifts in his passing. i can't help but be thankful.
Great post