Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My father visited my house a few days ago. He showed up unannounced and by himself. He wanted to ask me in person to consider a proposition... and that is, if I would withdraw from an up and coming family reunion to memorialize my grandfathers passing recently. He explained to me the reasons why... I felt his urgency and emotional distress from having to ask this of me from across the table... but I could also sense he spoke for all my family when he asked. The message was NOT that I was not wanted, rather, he did not want THIS to be about my coming out to the family... he wanted the focus to be on my grandfathers life and remembering him. I couldn't have agreed more...
I felt bad for him having to ask, and began to get a bit emotional in my attempt to speak... but he cut me short as he too (being my father) knew already what I would say... instead, he offered me a token of love... he said to me... "I know it was important for you to go, because you wanted to be included... and to feel apart of the family again... I can't help that now, but I can offer you this - that I will attend one of your support meetings with you next time, because I know that too is something that is very important to you... so it is important to me."
...when you feel there is no more... when you feel there is nothing left...
From "nothing"... comes something.
God Bless you Dad.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Since announcing I am having SRS, it seems that many of my friends really resent me now, or at least, their finding other reasons to pick me apart. Why?
My life is unbearably hard right now...
You can't imagine all the people on your very own 360 pages right now who would drop you in a second for Transitioning, or for saying words like "Cross Dresser" or speaking your heart.
To begin again, everything needs to come to its end. Closing up loose ends and seeding new beginnings is painstaking and life force draining. To undo all that you are... to take apart a life you spent YEARS working to build, only so that you can start over at nothing again... its worse than death... its like your already gone but now having to be your own estate trustee too; making sure everyone is taken care of and everyone gets their fair share and that all your last requests are carried out. When I leave for Thailand, I leave my wife & kids... when I return, I will return to a room mate, my kids and alot of challenging days ahead to stabilize my life.
I am overwhelmed right now with the thought of finally be whole with my self with the up and coming surgery for SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery). I know I have made the right choice, but it is a choice that is difficult to keep realistic and a grip on. No matter how much I plan or prepare myself and others, it just doesn't seem to be enough.
Why am I Jamie's Example?
I am so very hurt right now with the comments made by someone here on 360 about me. Her name is JamieGottaGun. I am so tired of being picked apart, and her Blog is just the final blow. (UPDATE: I removed the link to her Blog, because it really isn't worth paying attention too any more.) She has really sadden me with either comments in her Blogs or attempted posts in my group yahoo group PinkEssence. Everything from calling my abilities and motives for starting and running PinkEssence into question, to why I dress and do my hair the way I do, right down to what I drive! She has even made spoof photos of me being Jesus Christ to the Borg Queen (Which I actually found pretty cool), but why is so much effort from this person being poured into debunking me as a person or leader? Why does she take it upon her self to bad mouth me?
NO ONE, I mean NO ONE has ever been as scrutinized by Jamie more than me in her Blogs... why am I? Because I am pretty? Because I started something that is positive and not rouge and rebellious?
I try to organize co-operation and harmony with the TG community. I think Jamie is more concerned about how that effects her. There use to be a time in Cleveland when on ANY NIGHT, TG's could be found at many of the bars. This in the later years has been coming to a grinding halt. Because I have organized GNO's (Girls Nights Out), many of the CD's feel it necessary only to go out when the group goes out... so they don't need to troll the bar scene in downtown Cleveland to find "where the party is at".
About 2 years ago, before I start PinkEssence, me and 3 friends were attacked in Cleveland on Detroit Ave after leaving one of these seedy bars Called "The Edge", formerly know as "Deco". You can read about that HERE as it made the papers. I was the only one to go forward because the other 3 are only part time in their presentation of being a woman and because of their jobs, could not go public. This is not an attack on Cleveland; I love Clevland... it is just the honest truth about a bad night that happened in Cleveland. Thats all. (Melissa offers comments on this issue in the comments section of this Blog for an alternative perspective from a Clevelander herself). You can also read Melissa's BLOG ENTRY from 2006 HERE on this issue and how she tried to help with yet another sicko that sent hate mail to me when I tried to speak out in Yahoo groups about what happen in Cleveland.
There was a backlash that happened from all this. The news of the attack of us 4 at knife point hit home with the TG community because this was NOT the first time this had happen around that area - my question was? WHY didn't I know about that before?? Adding to the fact that the police did NOT respond or CARE to help at all, did not help matters. Many of the TG's from Cleveland were upset at me for going forward with this info to the police and papers because it scared everyone off form going to Cleveland's TG Bar scene. Thus a campaign of emails was flying around asking for a halt of this information or even mentioning the incident at all so the girls would come back out. When that didn't work, I became a target by many to discredit and tear apart. Jamies Blogs are just a small part of that under liying resentment towards me.
This experince raised up the question of communications, and what infor could be trusted. I was tired of the lack off communication; I tried to post in groups, and I was moderated from speaking in fear of ruining the scene any furthure. So I started PinkEssence and began to organize my own outings with friends. It became popular VERY fast as the girls trust what I had to say and would NOT lead them into a meat marked like "Deco", just so they could be solicited for sex, no matter the level of personal danger to them. Not everyone there was like that... but DAMN near everyone was.
Admittedly, being pretty helped a lot as many people wanted to get to know me right away. Is that bitchy to admit? How else could I put it, when THAT is the main reason many approached me? I used that opportunity to get to know them and introduce them to Pinkessence. Over time, I could see that my responsibility to the group had grown and I wanted to do something positive with it. So I decided to start organizing public outings for the benefit of the public to get to know TG's of all types on a very REAL and controled environment like a restaurant or theater. Problem is, even for 1 night 50 miles away, TS women (and some CD's too) do not wish to be seen or outed next to other TG's . This makes the goal harder and in the end, NO ONE is served by PinkEssence, except ourselves.
EVEN Jamie admits in one of her own Blogs (UPDATE: Again, link removed) how she doesn't want to be seen with a group of TG's because she will be outed in a place that she often goes to and is ONLY know for her en fem presentation. (We had a great time at the resturant by the way - read the blog you'll understand. Infact, I made a video of it, scroll down a few of my blogs and see it.)
Jame has been the biggest critic of PinkEssence and me since all this happen, and the only way to bring it down, is to pick me apart and discredit it piece by piece, friend by friend. NOW, any time I try to defend myself against ANY of her's or others attacks, "I" am the one who is publicly humiliating THEM? Its like they are allowed to say what ever they want, but if I say something, I'm an ass hole for saying anything. shhhheeeeeesh!
Ok, fine. I'm done defending myself. All I ever wanted to do is contribute in any way I could. I have done nothing but create enemies, instead of friends. Fine... listen to people like Jamie... I am the Ass hole...
Many people accuse me of using PinkEssence as a fan club... not true. My photos are on the cover because they are MY groups. MANY people put themselves on the cover of their yahoo group. So what.
So why not put others on the cover of the group? I tried that. It became a contest and got very ugly. People emailed me and questioned "WHY are THEY on the cover?" I got sick of it. I removed my photos off my Blog here 3 days ago. Normally, I get 900 - 1200 hits a day. Since removing my pic's, I am at about 100 - 300 a day.... what does that tell you? The same is said for PinkEssence. My photos have drawn in MANY people to PinkEssence... and there is nothing wrong with that... I know part of the success of PE is due on part to my photos grabbing peoples attention. THAT is why my photo is there. Is it all about me? NO. Its about the collective benefit for all. YES, there are many other TG's out there that are beautiful; no I will not be posting them unless they wish to also run ALL of PinkEssence and host a discussion page as well, go to SCC, work to find other leaders, help other individuals at 3am with a crisis.. etc etc... That to me is cover girl material and another leader, THAT is what it takes and has taken to GET PinkEssence off the ground. PrettyTGirls runs a photo contest, post them there if you wish to get affirmation, but it ain't happening in PinkEssence... that honor goes to its president. I will not be that president for ever either... some day I will appoint a new president and then they will be featured on the front of the group.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Thanks to everyone for 300,000 hits. Even with 360 broken, Flickr not linking to my page correctly -AND- the fact that posted emails and comments to my page are not visible for you all to see (They are here for me though, so thank you for posting them) you have STILL helped me to push this page past the 300K mark with flat tires - Wow. Thank you.
I don't wish to brag, but rather, examine what it is that you come here to see or read?
Whats so great about this busted down old page?
On average, I am receiving 900 to 1200 hits per day or 25,000 to 35,000 hits per month - and doing so steadily for a while. So, again, I guess I wonder, who is reading this page? Why do you read it and why do you keep coming back? If you have never left me a comment before, please do so now and let me hear from YOU! Should I continue with this page... I am thinking of folding up shop and moving to MySpace completely... What do you all think?
In fact, i will go a step farther:
To all my critics, jealous wanna be's, bigots, hatters, importer's, and down right mean people that have a problem with me or PinkEssence, I'm all ears and I'm listening; feel free to turn this into a "Chloe Roast" if ya like. Have something to say? Lay it out here!
I will however warn you all that if you post a private email, I will re-post it here publicly.
To the many that have come here to comment on my tears and triumphs - THANK YOU. The sadness is behind me for the most part now - now comes the spoils of the journey ahead.... stay tuned, its going to be an interesting 2008 for Chloe.
My date with Dr. Suporn in Thailand is May 20th. I will depart May 10th for Edmonton Canada, spend a couple days there with my friend "Adarabeth" who is listed as one of my 360 friends. From there, Adara will accompany me onto Thailand and be my advocate while going through the procedures - insuring my needs and wishes are cared for.
I will be under going partial FFS, (Facial Feminizing Surgery), which will entail brow bone reduction, brow lift/raise, eyelid Plasti (Tightens the skin for a smoother appearance), scalp advancement (which will bring my hairline forward in line with a more traditional feminine hairline, and finally hair grafts to fill in the front area to complete the hairline process.
GRS (Genital Reassignment Surgery) is the main reason I am going over. For those that do not know what that is, it is the process of taking my male genitalia and reconstructing it into a female vagina.
Am I scared? "YOU BET!"
Recently, a friend of mine just came back from Dr. Suporn a few months ago. I had the chance to see first hand with my own naked eye the results of his handy work - It was simply STUNNING! I had seen photos of hers while she was still in Thailand, and although it was swollen and still very raw, it looks incredible!
I have had my share of females and seen a few of their Vagina's, and even had sex with them! I can honestly say, that my friends was flawless in comparison - in fact... it may have been TOO perfect!
Her's was not the only one I have seen. In fact, I have seen 5 now that Dr. Suporn did - all at different stages of age since the procedure was done. After doing research on GRS Surgeons for almost 2 years, I had chosen Dr. Marci Bowers in Trinidad CO, but once I seen the results and heard of the high level of care that Dr. Suporn's Clinic provides, it was clear that I needed to change my election of surgeon to him.
It boggles my mind: Even though I have read and seen the results from several patients, some days I have trouble wrapping my mind around the FACT that I WILL HAVE a functioning vagina! ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!
The truth is, I never hated my penis, I just resented the fact I did not have a vagina! If I could not have the surgery, it wouldn't be the worst thing - life would go on. But, I REALLY DO WANT IT, and so glad that I can go forth - I feel as I get older, the window for that chance closes with each day. With this change comes other changes... my marriage for starters.
My wife still does NOT want to have (as she puts it) a woman for a husband! Forget about the fact of asking for her to call me her wife or to a lesser degree, her spouse. I understand that... I don't want to live with another woman either!
(Warning, bitching ahead)
I am SOOOoooo sick of living as a man and having to continue to fulfill a man's obligation to be a husband. I WANT A HUSBAND, I don't want to be one!!!! I'm sick of working a job that I was known as a male from before - sick of being treated and looked at like a novelty.
I am not tired of working - just tired of doing a man's job!! Hormones do more than give you soft skin and boobs, (At least for me) they have weakened me and made me more fragile and easily injured - especially to my sensitive skin. Maybe I will get a promotion soon to management and then not have to climb Telephone Poles in the dead of winter...
I have fears of my future: I have to ask myself, what kind man will I have? Will they send their beautiful wife out to bring home the bacon in the snow and or rain? What kind of man would want and expect that from his wife, and would I want to live that way? I also ask myself, if I was a GG (Genetic Girl), would I be held to that standard? I kind of doubt it, I fear since I am TG, that I am going to be held to a different standard - that is, I am still a man, so I can and should do a man's job - pffft, thats BS.... I surely would never do this nor did I to my wife (Or any woman) as a man or a husband.
Being a Trans-Woman has some extra challenges, one of them is finding a partner. A natal woman has increased difficulty finding a quality man at my age, now add the fact that I am genetically a man to that concoction's.... I don't want someone that wants me cause I am Trans... I want a man to want "me" the girl. Am I setting my expectations to high as to think that I will never be a house wife and mom? The idea of that has made me cry more than once lately... I keep thinking I will be sentence to freeze in the snow the rest of my life... that my kids will never know what a home cooked meal and pie is like when they get home from school cause hteir mom cooked it for them.... I need to think about this stuff... my kids HAVE to be #1... I have taken enough liberties for myself - now I must make the best choice that will be for all best intended.
When I still considered myself a husband and WANTED to be a husband, I wanted to take care of my wife and make her life as good as possible. I think I fell way short of that mark though... but all things considered, I never sent her to a job she hated or was dangerous - HELL NO. I know we all have to do what we have to do in life, but if I am weighing options for my future, then THESE are things (and many other things) I must consider along with how well I/we will connect as a couple.
I dream of a MAN, a REAL man - not an admirer or anything like that... just a good guy that wants a good woman whom I can eventually have as a husband! I would like to be taken care of, protected, loved and supported in my dreams of a new life and home for myself and kids.
I want my husband to be loving, genuine and serve as a male role model to my 2 boys.
I want a fresh beginning for the both of us too - I do not wish to inherit each others old problems, nor do I wish to fill a void in their life only - or end up a kept trophy wife in a mansion .... no no no, I wouldn't accept a used ring that was another woman's, nor do I want to assume someone's spot in life - leaving all my identity behind with my dreams and goals.
I want a NEW beginning; to start over completely with a home that I only know as ours and a future that is bright and happy with family that knows and accepts me from the beginning. I already have a family (although they have made recent strides) are for the most part, VERY intolerant to my transition; I don't want to marry into another one like this.
I want to be able to raise my children as their stay at home "other mother", and to be a good wife and home-maker. Not forever, just for awhile, while they are young. I am not looking for a sugar Daddy; I just want what every woman has, which is the chance to be a wife, mom and home-maker. I am not going to transition to continue to be a male, nor to carry heavy ladders, climb poles, or work on cars... that's not me... I am girlie... I am what I am. I have worked for the last 20 years doing heavy, dirty male jobs in factories to outside construction... NO MORE. I want to take my place in the woman's world as a professional or skilled laborer - which will allow me to be happy and express myself each day as a female, and not be reminded that I am a male with a vagina climbing poles doing a dirty mans job. F THAT! That no future... If I wanted that, I would just stay married to my wife and continue to be her husband.
(I told you I was in a bitchy mood!)
I think I am.
I am not ruling out flight attendant, Realtor, pharmaceuticals rep, or going to school to be a professional counselor some day. In my dreams I'd like to be a model (Yeah right)... Ultimately, it would be awesome to have the means to be able to just volunteer to help the community 24/7 and THAT be my job - to help others and other organizations to flourish and grow the TG foot print on the map of understanding in todays vanilla society.
Any how, If that all this non-sense wasn't enough of a concern, NOW I need to work, ALOT to save for the time I will be off work for almost 2 months Post-Op.... arrrrrrggggg... STRESS!
Even though I will loose everything, including full time access to my kids, I can honestly say, I am and have never been happier inside with myself... selfish? yep. But no one is going to hand it to me! I am sorry, I do NOT agree working myself to the grave an empty shell of a human being. NO WAY!
Some people tell me I should be happy to just be transitioning: I am! However, that is NOT my dream come true - that is NOT the happily ever after. I am not going to put limits on myself because I was born a male and now presenting my self a female. I know I am a genetic male - nothing will change that... so what. I know I won't win everyone over... I don't care. I won the one person over to believing that matters most..... me.