This, is Me

You may have notice that I have not been as active around here as I us too, that is because secretly, I have been working to develop a new career. I have been studying for a while now to become a professional in an office environment. I am not giving up my day job with the phone company, but I have taken on a second seasonal job in a non-competing line of work.

For the past 3 months I have been working very hard to pass my exams to get this job and quite frankly, it doesn’t pay very well at all. My spouse and I have filed for bankruptcy protection with an attorney, so, any money we can scrape together after my being off work for so long, will be welcomed. Besides, the job has given me the opportunity to slip back into the fabric of society and given me the chance to experience (on a test scale) what it would be like to live completely stealth.

The experience so far has been amazing, yet stifling too. The job helps to balance my worlds right now. In one world, I face discrimination heavily, being ostracized and cast out by extending family members – left unclaimed and unwanted, alive or dead. In the other world, I am overwhelmed with friendship, love, support, offers of romance – but above all, I feel hope for a brighter future.

The only problem is, all that I care about is stuck back in the other world of darkness. How can I bring these people into the light? I’m hoping that by reintroducing myself into this world of light, that I can find the way to bring the light back to the loved ones in the dark. After all, isn’t it easier to create light, than it is to make dark?

It wasn’t easy at first – because its been a long time since I have interacted with the world and not filtered everything through the conduit of being Transgendered – I almost had forgotten what it was like. The TG community can be comforting – almost too much. You lose touch with reality, somewhat. I had forgotten what it was like to carry on conversations and at the same time, NOT be thinking in the back of my mind about all the “trans” dynamics that are playing out in the conversation, and all around me.

I have concerns. One is that somehow the darkness will eclipse the light. I want my new colleagues to have the chance to know me for a while before they find out that I am Transgendered. I think that given the time to get to know me first, they will have a solid foundation for the “type” of person I am, not what I once presented myself as – a boy named Ted. Today, I am a woman, a mom, a sister, a daughter and many many other things. I think they will get that, given the chance to know the real me first with out having to strain to see it through the fact that I was born a male.

Still, I feel I could be painting myself into another closet of sorts, if not careful. I don’t want others to feel they have been tricked or mislead. A woman I sit next to told me on a break that I looked so beautiful today and paid me a few other compliments. Then she shared some private details about her female issues and her relationship too. In the back of my mind, something said, “Would she say the same thing, if she knew I was trans”? . If discovered, this woman could feel extremely violated… that breaks my heart, thinking that may be a possibility. It doesn’t matter the answer; the problem is “me”. I am the problem. I have this question stuck in my mind and it rises to the surface on everything – and I hate it. THIS is what I want to escape from. I don’t want it to be on my mind whether or not I am being weighed and measured by the fact of my Trans Status constantly on all aspects of my life and those that interact with me and the dynamics that play out.

Putting yourself out there has its prices… whether your stealth or not. One way or another, you have to decide what YOU can live with and what you are willing to subject others to as well. I don’t want to feel like I am “getting away” with something. And for the most part, I don’t and that is because I feel I have paid the price of enduring the pain, loss and struggles that transition by surgery put on my life and the relationships I had on the line. I feel I have made every attempt to be “Authentic” as humanly possible, to represent the person I now present. I hide nothing. Everything I do is public record, including these blogs, which are at the access of anyone with just a few mouse clicks.

Then it dawned on me, “how much more honest can I be”? Everyone has something to hide… Well, I don’t. I won’t allow myself anymore to feel that I am tricking anyone, because, I am not. My history will not define me – what I choose to do with each day going forth, will.

I feel my journey has finally come full circle. I feel complete… but better than that, I feel I am right where I used to be, before the thoughts of transitioning became so compelling to the point I wanted to take my own life.

Today at my new 2nd job, I wasn’t thinking, “What did he mean by that”? I wasn’t thinking about “passing”, nor did it even occur to me that I am any different than anyone else. I didn’t feel jealous of other women or inferior as a human being… for the first time in my life, being completely healed and having conquered the mountain of misaligned emotions, I sat back in a moment of pure mirth and snapped the above picture, and thought to myself…

...this, is me.

StereoTypes -R- US

Warning: The opinions expressed in this blog are intended to educate and NOT to offend. This Blog discusses racial and gendered variant stereotypes with strong language.

Looking through Flickr, I happened upon the above photo... It's actually from a collection of degrading and humiliating photos created to spread intolerance at the cost of an entire group of minorities struggling to raise themselves up. I guess this begs the question:

What can any of us do about being exploited as minority?

Ya know, life as a trans-person can be pretty tuff at times - literally living in the “moment to moment”. You have your good days, and your bad. With each day that comes, you hope to put distance behind you from the ignorance by educating people by example. If you’re lucky, you may change the minds and even hearts of a select few around you. Maybe…

Over time, you cry; you struggle, you anguish every day to just be “tolerated” or even humored. Being truly accepted is rare… however, given time, slowly, some people around you start to “get it”. They start to see you as you see yourself – as you present yourself, now. Over time, they may even start calling you by your chosen name and use correct pronouns and even give you a genuine hug on your birthday. After living SO long with hate and disgust for what you are and what you see in the mirror and having to deal with all the turmoil that comes with transitioning, you turn on the TV, and you see this…

Now, I know this show is a goof. But here’s the rub. They say a “Drag Queen / Cross Dresser” robed the Burger King. Why didn’t they mention he is also a part of another minority? Why didn’t they say a “Black” man robed the Burger King?

Now, I am not racist here, nor do I wish to even “go there”, but, follow me on this one for a second. If the media had said “a Black Man robed the Burger King”, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and the NAACP would have been picketing the station the same day it aired. So, why is it ok to put a man in a dress and put him on camera in a joking manor and review a security tape like a NFL play book, referencing stereo typical phrases?

With no disrespect intended to black individuals - lets switch things around here and ask the question: Would it be ok to take that same White man that was on MSNBC in a dress, but instead dress him up in clothing by FUBU, paint his face black, put an Afro on his head? And if that wasn’t insulting enough, now add in a review of a security tape of another black man breaking into a KFC while discussing stereotyping questions in Jive about pork chops and collar greens?” RIDICULOUS!!!! No, it's OUTRAGEOUS!

...The message I (and everyone watching this garbage) is getting from the media, is that it's "ok" to minimize a minority , so long as that minority is Transgendered people - more to the point "Men in dresses"!

I don’t often get upset enough to swear, but this video that aired on MSNBC is Bull Shit! What MSNBC censors think was a big joke, is a slap in every transgendered persons face!

Every time I turn on the TV there is some snide remark or rolling of the eyes or making Gender Variance something to be a target of a joke and I am DAMN tired of it! This video undermines EVERYTHING Transgendered people have to struggle for each day - dignity.

Notice how the anchor man talked to the man in the dress - smirking and trying to keep his shit eating grin under control? THAT my friends, is exactly how the majority of people talk and smirk downward at me in my day to day life once they know I am trans. They feel that ALL the filters and society's constraints of manors can come off or be set aside *because* I MUST be a degenerate of society!! They think that all the world is laughing with every degrading and dehumanizing comment they can lump up publicly in front of an audience on me – whether it be a comment, or a roll of their eyes… I die another death every time I have to endure this type of humiliation and abuse!

I thought at first I shouldn’t even give it attention, but now, I think I should make an example of it. The guy in the dress on MSNBC and the way the anchor talks down to him is an example that sets a tone (for all that sees it), on how to treat me Monday morning when I go back to work.

On behalf of all the transgendered people in the world, "THANKS" MSNBC for airing something that is helping to make the world for transgendered people a lot “less” tolerable and bringing MORE misunderstanding that centers around mental illness, depression, loneliness and suicide.

-Chloe


[Photo above is downloaded from Flickr and does NOT represent the views of the author of this Blog]