Pure darkness - A point when everyone (even the people that are supportive), have become white noise in the crossfire of jammed transmissions… when there’s nothing left on the dial, the only thing left to do is, unplug…
…and so I did.
So, here I am – living the life that we all dream about… I’m a woman, right? Eight months have past now since I surrendered to a future of presenting myself in all respects to the closest physical proximity of a genetic woman that a genetic male can be. Now what?
For a few years now, I have come to this blog and the many voices that post to it, and have fallen into the comfort of its cushions. Days I have spent working on projects online and even pursued offline activities as well - Photography, video Blogging, chatting on the phone and going to visit the friends I made online in their hometowns.
Its hard to write this because I know I am tip toeing around so many people that supported and helped me through very difficult times. However, my activities and correspondents online had become so important, if not the MOST important thing going in my every day static life that I have become disconnected to priorities and even the reality I am living in.
Blame it on laziness or whatever you want, but the truth is, I have “still” been trying to bring myself out of a self-induced depression carried over from my prior life of living as a male. Why?
Yes, I look in the mirror now and I no longer want to rip my flesh off like wrapping paper from my bones – but at what cost did this all come? Where is my place in this world? What am I now? Am I what I believe myself to be, or am I the product of how the world now receives and interacts with me? Before you jump to the end of the blog where I am jumping off a cliff and killing myself, hold it right there. I want to make clear that, I DO NOT regret any of my decisions! On the contrary, my eyes have never been more open to the world and the mechanics of our social dynamics, and how each of us play a part in the intricate workings, in the grand scheme of it all.
To be fair, I am facing some of the most difficult choices of my life… again. These choices however, affect the quality, comfort and privacy of my family’s lives, forever. Transition has etched expanses so wide in the foundation of our lives that I fear they can never be bridged… at least not with me remaining as part of the equation.
Looking down the road, I have to evaluate first the quality of life that will be best for my children. Does this include my wife and I living as two ladies together? A relationship lined with love on the fridges of friendship, and NOT that of a typical mother/father household? What are the long-term effects on our kids, and us… this and many other questions we “thought” we had the answers to before I decided to have the surgery, now haunt our bedroom discussions once more.
Questions of our sexuality, personal fulfillment and stability thus far, have gone unanswered in fear of opening our Pandora’s box. You see, when faced with these decisions at the time, we found the only way to deal with our issues of indifference and confusion, was to throw them all in a box and shelve them. The result from that was remaining together; reacquainting and acclimating to our new realities, in the hopes of finding ourselves and recapturing love, defragmented from a past, tainted with sorrow.
“One day at a time… one day at a time…” At least, that’s what we have been saying and trying to do.
Rene and I have come to a point left with no options – we now face the angry mobs and torches in every direction - The only way out, is through the flames. We must come to the table, conquer our fears and open that box, once more.
…and so we have.
Rene is a stout Catholic – she does NOT believe in divorce. Period. It seems whenever we come to the table to talk, the discussions all end with her laying out the noncommittal trump card of “Just do whatever your going to do, cause that’s what you always do anyway – it doesn’t matter what I ever wanted.” This leaves me feeling empty, spinning aimlessly with no ammo or even a target to shoot for.
The truth is, I never wanted to proceed without her on anything, yet, in the 4 years of transition this is where she has left me; to live with my own decisions, void of any compromise to her position, at all –AND- unless it involved the church, bible or testosterone injections, any options I presented might as well have been an air-nailer to the knee caps.
If our relationship were a chess game, then the board would be left with the impossibility of both Kings in a unilateral checkmate at the same time; neither willing to concede, and uniquely unwilling to strike in the face of each others tears.
For sometime I have thought about just leaving, starting over. With the recent lay offs from work, that was almost a forced decision. My job is now secure – for the moment anyway. However, during this time, I contemplated my life and the direction of starting over completely stealth. But you know, no matter how I sliced it, it would always come back to the same thing: You can’t escape who you are.
The attraction to stealth was the thought of new beginnings – but not just for me… but for my kids, wife and family too. Holidays in our family are horribly difficult and over complicated… the treachery, the lies, the backstabbing (Insert picture of Pope kicking in stain glass window) Heck, we don’t even get Christmas cards or a simple phone call.
They don’t make Christmas cards for people to send to people like me - But if they did, here is the one that everyone WISHES they had the balls to send me, but instead, goes unsaid in the silence of their ignoring us:
“Merry Christmas! Sorry we couldn’t see or have you and your family over - your just too damn weird! But take comfort in the knowledge that there will be a HUGE family gathering WITHOUT you, and we will ALL do our best to ignore the fact that you ever existed. Please be sure to plan YOUR holiday festivities around the schedule of your sympathizers, as they will be here with the rest of the normal people, and will be over to eat your food, once the embers of hell begin to die…. Happy Holidays, Freak!”
In fairness, my Mom, Dad and sister have totally done a 180 turn around. They're coming to terms in their own way and time. This Christmas was better.... and for that, I am grateful and hopeful too.
One of the best memories I have as a child was going over to my grandmothers house Christmas Eve for the big family celebration. No matter who was disagreeing with who, all was water over the dam - we hugged, laughed and ate as a family… we loved one another… I felt loved... I wonder if my kids feel loved being drug around by their grandparents to places Rene and I are no longer welcome? What will be their memories?
And the weirdness continues...
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteSuch eloquent writing birthed from the womb of your soul. Your words recall the pain from my former marriage. You are right - the only way out is through the flames.
It is possible that you are taking ownership for Rene's feelings, thoughts and actions. I struggled with all of this as well.
My Assistant Rector told me that actions based on fear are actions that affect our relationship with God. I too have 2 children, in my case, I no longer know them anymore.
Be strong dear. Feel free to e-mail me directly.
Love & Blessings!
C
Catholicism: no concept has ever provided me, or probably any other transgendered person -- not to mention the rest of the world -- more pain, anguish, hate, narrow-mindedness, or immovability.
ReplyDeleteYou're right if you suspect you can never change it.
As devout Catholic, Christian, follower of Christ, daily reader of the Bible, and a firm believer in the infallibility of the Pope, our holy father in Rome, and of all things given to us by our heavenly father...I'm pretty sure we'll all going to burn in hell.
ReplyDeleteThere are MANY same-sex couples raising well-balanced children all across America. We've met several of them in our new home state.
ReplyDeleteAs trans-folk we've had to defy social convention to find peace in expressing our true nature. So it stands to reason the best way to live a spiritually "congruent" life is by following our own moral compass, and not blindly following the directives set forth by the man-made, man-manipulated, mortally-flawed bureaucracy of organized religion.
We most certainly have to have a strong & independent faith and sense of self to walk this singular path. In a family with children, parents need to be in harmony about their expression of spirituality, social integration and most important-- mutual respect for each other. Lead by loving example and parents will always do right by their children--regardless of what the outside world thinks or believes.
Like everything else of consequence in transition our decisions must be an "inside job" if we're to successfully live with them. The need for outside approval from friends, neighbors, co-workers, big-government or big religion only creates hurt, confusion and pain.
You're strong enough to "do the right" thing your way.
When I was 9 we moved to a "better" neighborhood and in getting to know the new neighbors I felt very sorry for them. No holiday or birthday gatherings for either of them...both families had disowned them when they married. They never had children because of it, fearing they would know the same rejection.
ReplyDeleteShe was Catholic, he was Jewish...
They married in 1954, the year before I was born.
Now, though I am sure the church would take exception, I'd like to think at least the families would still "be there" for them!
I hope it doesn't take another 50 years for your story to become one looked back on in horror!
alan
Awww, my friend I wish that I had some good advice for you. *sighs* But the longer time passes, the more that I realize how much I really...well, just don't know anything. The best advice that I can give you is to do what is going to make you happiest in the long run. You only have ONE life to live; one chance. There are no do-overs. If you two truly want to work it out; then there is no reason that you can't. But of course, that doesn't mean it will be easy. As I believe someone else posted; there are so many same sex couples out there and they do an amazing job raising their kids. I see no reason why you can't do the same. However, I am a firm believer that you should never stay in a marriage just for the kids and b/c it's what we're supposed to do. If that makes sense? In the end, it will only hurt everyone and cause feelings of bitterness. Either way, I am here for you when and if you need me:).
ReplyDeleteNow, I have a better picture of what you have been through for the past few years, Chloe....but, of course, you could write a blog 100 pages long about your life(and I would read it, eventually--sigh, sorry again for being SO behind), and it would still barely touch the surface of the difficult times, and the depths of pain you've been through, such as how some of your extended family has treated you(and in turn, how it has affected your wife and children)...my goodness hon, that's just, terrible. ((HUGS)) Beautiful Keri is right though--you ARE a strong woman, not to mention having one of the most kind and loving hearts I have ever encountered...I(and, I suspect, hundreds, if not more, feel the same way) believe in you. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI really have no advice to offer, being without children, and not yet having transitioned--but you know I'm a good listener! :-) I hope we can talk again soon, not only to hear your voice, but also, I have a sweet(pink too, of course :D) new teyleyphone(keyboard too, woohoo!), so it needs "broken in". ;-) Well, time to read some more...bb soon! :-)
W/Love,
Kelli
It's a phenomenon of our condition that we see so many of the same actions around us. I see the catholocism and other religious entitlements tossed about like they were the actual word of God. I spoke with my priest about my marriage and he told me that as long as I honor my vows and do not engage in activities proscribed by the church the position of the Vatican is to honor the life god gave us, however it manifests. My wife chose a Legal separation. What I call a Catholic Divorce because it doesn't end the marriage in the eyes of the church although the states see it as a legal permanent and irrevocable separation. Those who would choose to remain ignorant to the real value we have in this world should remain without our company and good riddance. It is seldom that I encounter such people so their pathetic existence is not something any of us should dwell on. Family will come around or it will not. There are those in my family I will not talk to and it has nothing to do with me. I just do not like them. I will tolerate them but that's all. If some simply tolerate Chloe because they dislike who you are that's just what life gives. If they dislike you because of what you are they deserve neither your grace nor consideration.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. I read the whole thing through, with tears and with a few chuckles. Please, keep writing, if not for yourself, for the few people who don't know where to turn for some kind of support in their dark times. I am one of those people, and I feel like tearing my flesh off.
ReplyDelete