I have chosen to move my Blog to “Invitation only” after being online for 3 years. I’ve gotten a few emails asking me if I am ok or if this is the next step for me towards going “stealth” – or as my friend Donna Rose once called it “Slipping seamlessly into the fabric of society”.
The short answer is “no”. I am not going stealth – however, now that only you, my trusted friends can read my Blog, I can be more open about “what’s going on”. I am dealing with some personal issues and can not be as visible about myself as I would like to be - at least, not here online for the moment. Adding to that, I'm finally getting to a good point in my relationship with my family, and I think this Blog is a bone of contention with them. So for now, at least for the next few months while I sort out these issue, I will only be giving access to people I know and trust.
My transition was very expensive, marking just over $70,000 in total towards procedures and medical/mental health care costs. I put everything I had on the line to transition and that includes the relationships I had, or ever would have.
With my spouse “Rene” losing her Job last December, and with the economy the way it has been, has forced us to make some serious choices – both in our financial future and our personal life going forward. Her losing her job is bad timing, but something we can deal with - her being a lesbian is not. Being at the pinnacle of these choice has me looking into the crystal ball and asking myself some hard questions. I want the best for both of us - but I'm not sure that is us staying together.
I’m currently filing a Chapter 13 Bankruptcy to restructure our debts - our attorney believes that she can iron out a plan for keeping our assets, which includes our home and rental properties to boot. However, we will be put on a 5 year repayment program and there will be major restrictions as far as spending goes. Under advisement of my attorney, it is best that I do not reveal anything about my personal life to potential creditors to use in court.
I seen all this coming about 2 years ago – selfishly, I pushed forward with my surgery because I knew that this would be my last chance – I just didn’t want to be in my 40’s trying to transition. It was hard enough to do in my 30’s! I'm so glad I did. I think a worse hell would to be having to go through all this and then STILL not been able to have my surgeries.
Adding to the whole problem is the constant roller coaster ride I am on emotionally. Last Monday I went in to have a blood test drawn so I could have my levels checked. I had not done this since being Post-Op last May 2008. I’ve been feeling very fragile and, well, just not my normal, secure self. My friend Barbara Ann’s suicide last July did not help at all either. I’ve been very nervous about taking the hand of a fellow sister and help them or getting to close with transgendered people at those early stages, because some how, I still blame myself.
And loneliness. I’ve been feeling so bitterly isolated as of late - caught between worlds, ungrounded like a leaf in the wind. I’m not short on friends by any account, and I think that I have the best that any could ever want or pick. But there are times when you feel so alone in your own skin – so transparent and vulnerable. No matter how many friends I have, I feel with out purpose because I want someone to share this life with that appreciates me for who I am. Some say that my children, my home, my job, are the roses in my life and that I have a beautiful life ahead. Maybe so, but what kind of life can it be when you feel like your standing alone in the middle of a walled garden?
-Chloe
Your blog reminds me of Dickens when he wrote "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."
ReplyDeleteThe challenge of life is finding the dignity in day to day living. We forget that when the kids make the school bus, we solve a problem at work or are able to sleep on clean sheets.
All you can do is your best. If someone accuses you of less, then they need to look a bit harder in the mirror.
In reading your blog it struck some distinct chords in my brain...and the song played out in my head was the same song you played...loneliness. Like you, I have a large number of beautiful friends, primarily in the straight world, that support and accept me just as I am. As a known transgender person in the Detroit Arts scene, I do all the things I ever wanted to do, meet countless amazing and artistic people and live the life of Riley. I have no limits...and everything has come much easier than imagined and shockingly without a fight. You would think with that kind of support, I should be the happiest person in the world. But unfortunately I am not. Even with a hundred people shouting words of support and encouragment, I still feel eerily alone...like you in your garden. I have problems connecting with people mainly because people are confused by me. I have thought about relationships with transgender sisters, but I am just too far out there for most to feel comfortable with me and to be truthful, I am a package of damaged goods. In this loneliness, I find myself becoming self destructive...hurting myself physically and emotionally...continuously self sabotaging any progress I make. Inside my fragile head, I tear myself to shreds going back and forth in confusion and frustration. Most people see a happy and smiling face...they don't see me crying for hours when I am alone and afraid. I long just to hold someone and be loved...but it feels worlds away...and sometimes I wonder if I am living in a nightmare. I want you to know that I feel almost exactly as you...and yes, we both carry lots of baggage, just with slightly different contents inside each suitcase. It saddens me that I see this same story played out with sister after sister...and it seems there is no way out to find complete happiness...there is always the destruction left behind easily visible in our rearview mirrors haunting us forever. I want you to know I will always be here as your friend...and I do think about you often. I hope we both find some sort of peace in this whole thing soon...because I am really starting to get tired. Please know I am always here for you anytime my dear friend.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the entire post yet, but I just wanted to say thanks for inviting me to be a reader! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for including me in your private blog. I am honored though I should apologize for not commenting when I recently spent a whole morning reading each entry. I was moved on so many levels. At times I would think you brave, at other times I felt you were selfish and in a clear second later, I would take away the selfish thought. I believe the one word I would use for you is brave. It took a lot of heart and courage to make the choices you made for yourself. I think you are a wonderful parent. You have built a grand network of support and have found your way into making peace with your family. Even the financials are clearing. What's done is done. What is hurting you is staying in a marriage created by someone you were forced to be. You have to let go; not just for your sake but for the mother of your children. She's not happy. You're not happy. Your children know it. That's your next hurdle: having the courage to walk away, rebuild a life that is authentic to you both and building a bridge made of love and acceptance that facilitates a safeway for your children to have and to know both parents as happy healthy well-adjusted people. That's what matters. Not that you live unhappily together-but healthy in two worlds that belong to your children; where they know they are loved and wanted. You can't go forward until then. You know that. Just as you did with your physical transition, sometimes you just have to jump and demand that the Universe catch you in free fall and it will. It will everytime. You just have to brave and honest on all levels. It's such a short trip from where you are. To be a woman is more than the pink parts. It is to seek true fulfillment on all levels and as a woman I can tell you: you will not be happy until you are complete on all levels. I've read enough of your blogs to know that you long for a relationship with a man. I can just tell. You never speak of it because maybe that's hard to do. You're still married and you believe in fidelity but if it's in your head, is it really monogamy? Just my thoughts-I hope you'll keep private so I don't have transexuals beating me up. Sometimes we need someone to tell it like they see it instead of things like: I hope it works out for you. How sweet and uncomplicated. I hope your true friends are being more honest than that. On a final note Darling-you are absolutely gorgeous and glowing. You are stunning-shining like the star that you are. With so much well-written account before me, I wonder if you've ever thought of sharing it with the world in a book. I would so buy it. I think a lot could be learned from your experience. So much to say-little space left.
ReplyDeleteLynn, you nailed every point with bulls eye accuracy and only someone that has read my blogs could have such insight into my struggles and desires. I am truly touch and left with tears from the overwhelming warmth from you reaching out to me.
ReplyDeleteBless you...
... and bless all you that come here to read my journal and offer your words of support.
People think that you just ride into the sunset after SRS... that is so far from the truth. You feel a mass exodus from your friends afterward - I think in part because they feel they no longer have much in common with you or that you don't need them as much anymore.... again, so untrue.
These past 9 months Post-Op have been among the hardest I've ever faced. I thank everyone who continues to encourage and support me.
And as for a Book, I have been working on one for a few months now - slowly. I'm not a writer like Jenny Boylan or Donna Rose, but I know how to use a pen and I'm doing just that. With any luck, I will have something put together when all this runs its course.
Hi Chloe,
ReplyDeleteThanks for inviting me along.
I am still pre-op and am actualy wondrring if SRS will ever happen for me - my plans and finances have all fallen through too. I am 54 already and I have so much living I still want to do. This of course includes finding someone that understands, or is at least willing to try and will be there to share my life - I know that desire very well.
Much of what you say has a familiar feel to it in my life, though I will spare you the details other than to say I feel quite alone in the midst of the things I do right now too. Today a friend said she thought I was a great inspiration but I sure don't feel very inspiring, but hearing her say it put the lie to the moments feelings. You too are very inspiring even if you don't feel it right now in the midst of your struggles. Feelings often lie to us in the present moments, but you are strong (you could not have come so far if it were not so), and you will find the balance and harmony in life again soon. I believe that and it is my prayer too for you.
Hugs,
Eva-Genevieve!
Dear Chloe,
ReplyDeleteThank you for inviting me to your "new" Pink Thoughts! I feel honored, hon, and especially considering all of the amazing friends you have, it's like, "OMG, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy!" Well, ok, maybe I am...at least on...what day is this? Tuesday, ok. It's kinda weird, living alone now...the need to know what day it is, doesn't seem as important now. Yes, Betty has moved out, a couple of weeks ago. Not that that wasn't expected...but still, it's taking some time to get used to. I've only lived alone for 3 months in all my 84, I mean 48 years, so, you know. ;-) And, yes, as I move along with my transitioning, there is a good chance I will feel alone then, also, much as you feel now, and as many a girl do, either pre, or post-op. And Chloe, I think I took things with you for granted, in that I just kinda thought, with all the friends you do have, plus still living with your family, that you wouldn't be feeling so alone. But obviously, that isn't quite true. I really wish I had a good enough vehicle to come over and see you, even if only for a day or two. When you dropped by last week, on my Messenger, I had one of those "take my breath away" moments--especially when you turned your cam on. ;-) But really--it had been what, 4 months since we last hugged, in Atlanta, and we haven't really talked all that much since then(see, now you, and I, have reasons to call---not to mention the new bitchin' pink text/keyboard-style phoney I now have!)...so, I apologize for, well, not "neglecting" you, but I should have tried to stay in better contact. You are such a bright, shining star in my life, and I shouldn't take that(you), so lightly. Yes, it's been somewhat chaotic around here the past few months....sigh. But anyway....
Thank you for reading another out-of-kilter, head-scratchin' message from your skinny beotch friend, Kelli. Haven't ya missed me?! >giggles< Take care, sweetie. (HUGS)
~Kelli
Awww my friend, thank you so very much for including me as part of your trusted friends. That means more to me than I can tell you. While I don't know exactly what you are going through, I do have somewhat of an idea from being with Jess and sharing her turmoils. I have seen first hand how hard it can be to just get by---day to day. I can't begin to wrap my mind around how difficult this all has to be emotionally and all of the pain it has caused you. I would think that even though you have gone through surgery---still things would be very difficult emotionally. Even though you and I are going through very different situations right now, boy can I relate to what you're feeling. I am so so sorry that you are having to go through any of this and as I have always said, I don't understand why society has to be so flippin stupid ignorant to judge people that are different than them...Ugh, I'm just rambling. *Sighs* Anyway, if you need anything---to just vent, unload, what have you, you know where I'm at. Feel free to call me any time, girlie:) BIG HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to be here too, Pinky.
ReplyDeleteI remember after I finished transition, a friend said to me something like, "Now the adventure REALLY begins!" and my attitude was like, the heck with you, the last thing I want is another adventure. What i want is to get on with my life, and live that female reality that I always yearned for. I've always been wary of folks who celebrate the date of their surgery as a "birthday," or who get all maudlin about "the never ending journey," and so on.
But I have found out that for trans people, you never really do simply move on as if nuttin' ever happened to you. I dont' know, maybe there are people like this, but most of the trans people I know-- and I know 1000's-- struggle before, during, and after. Of those who are post-transition, I don't know a single one who regrets it-- but that doesn't mean that the ghosts of who we have been, and what we have done don't follow us.
I wrote about this in my last book; I know you know all about this already.
Somehow we all have to find our peace. I admire your strength in trying to get a sense of order in your life-- and not only financially, but yeah: that too.
We will probably never be "like other people," and for me that hurt, now and again, realizing that even now i will always be a little different, if for no reason other than history. But i can also tell you i am grateful for this life, and I can hope that you are, or will be too.
anyhow, being like other people--what fun would that be?
Thanks for inviting me here, and sending you love.
Jenny B.
First, thank you for inviting me over to your private blog. That was very sweet and warm of you!
ReplyDeleteSecond, you are NEVER alone, Chloe. As much as I know, and it may put you off, Jesus Christ is with you. Trust in Him, the only "Man" that will never EVER leave your side when things look dark and lonely (I know).
It is from my experience and head knowledge that tells me that Jesus is real, is God, and loves me more than I can ever know. He died for the world, if we will only believe in that, and accept it for ourselves.
God bless you, Chloe, and have faith: you will find the peace you desperately seek in Christ, and if not him, His love is with you anyways. ^_^ Thanks again.
-Rachel
p.s. I have not transitioned like the rest of your readers, but I can say what it is like to be on Estrogen and the changes it brings, as well as telling people...close people, about yourself. I have gone out "enfemme" too. I can't say a lot, but I can relate in other ways. <3
chloe, you are not alone, there are plenty of friends out here for you. anything you need, just ask.
ReplyDeleteHoney, you should NOT hold yourself responsible for anything Barbara Ann did or did not do. What happened, most likely would have happened with or without you, at least she was able to spend a small portion of her life as Barbara Ann. Do NOT let her death cloud how you interact with others, I really appreciate the thoughts you have shared with me about Lynn.
My wife and I took a ride out to Belden Village today, and of course your name came up several times. Some questioning of what happened to chloe and some talk of the good you have done for both of us. Your presence has made her much more comfortable with the emergence of Lynn. I'm sure you know dozens of other girls that can say much the same thing about what you have done for them...
Glad you made me part of the private club and glad that you have filled in some of the blanks for us all.
lynn
((Hugs)) Chloe,
ReplyDeleteI don't blame ya for wanting to transition before 40! ... 'cuz that's OLD!!! ;)
I'm always here for ya, never forget that!
Don't feel bad,. I'm in my 40s and having that hard time transitioning, and now Iv'e lost one of my 2 part time jobs over ironeous accusations. Sigh If I loose the internet over this Ill rally know lonelieness.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the time to write more. For now, I just want to say that I am moved and honored to be included and to be considered a friend. My love and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm an honored and touched that you included me on your list of invitees to read your continuing blog. As someone one new to this journey, it's scary to read of the pain and on-going stuggle following transition. You have only my best wishes.
ReplyDeleteChloe,
ReplyDeleteReading your blog struck an accord here with me. I am going through some of the same things your are, except for bankruptcy. My roommate/so is still having a hard time with my transitioning. So I know how you are feeling. I too am looking for someone to share this life with as well, who will appreciate me for me.
need an ear to listen to you, feel free to email me.
Hugs,
Heather
Thank you for inviting me along as we "toss about on this stormy sea of life"!
ReplyDeleteI made the mistake early on of telling my sons, their wives and my sister about my blog and giving them it's URL. Though I don't believe any of them read it, I am still wary of what I put there and regret that decision. My wife has no idea I blog and should she find out I have no idea I'd be going for "a ride" Sopranos style...
The only way I've found to have a good relationship with anyone beyond my immediate family and sister is to ignore them all. My grandmother would be aghast, yet had she seen the things that have transpired since she "left" she'd have been "knocking some heads together".
I'm glad you are getting ahead of things on the financial front at an age when you can still recover from it and have a life. I tried to talk my wife into that 10 years ago and she said "no". I should have done it anyway, as the rules have changed now and it wouldn't help as much now and I am very much "upside down in my life" and worth much more dead than alive.
There is no reason that what you have done is selfish as far as doing what you needed to do to survive this life! There is no reason it should have cost so terribly much for you to do the things you needed to; in a thread on another blog there was just a discussion going on about how many other countries it wouldn't have and how wrong it is that in a place that considers itself "civilized" so many have to give up everything to "be" and so many others go through a life of misery because they can't afford to!
This ties into the loss of your friend as well, because it seems sometimes this country goes out of it's way to make things harder on people than it needs to be. It's not your fault, Chloe, you tried to be a friend, you tried to do the right thing and had the rest of the world done the same perhaps our lives would not be lessened by the loss of so many!
Married 34 years, with children and grandchildren that loneliness you speak of still pervades because there are times when the only thing that can make it stop is a hug from someone who loves you more than life itself. Someone you have no doubts about or fears of.
That person is out there somewhere; when they find you they will find a treasure like none in the vault of any Swiss bank!
Thank you again for the e-mail that greeted me this morning!
alan
Thank you for considering me a close enough friend to invite me, Chloe. From reading your previous blogs, I could see that you're struggling. It isn't easy turning one's life upside down... but then I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.
ReplyDeleteReading your words about loneliness really touched me, because I've felt much the same way... all my life. I think it's because we are so unique, and even those who love and support us cannot truly understand how it feels to be like us. Perhaps that is why we seek each other out.
I have been very fortunate, in that I have found someone who appreciates the woman I am becoming. In two months, we'll be celebrating 3 years together. Still, there are times when I feel very alone and scared. I don't know if that will every really go away.
As for not wanting to transition in your forties, I can fully understand. I truly wish that I could have transitioned much younger, but to be honest, if not for my divorce, I would still be living a male life and may never have done it. I recently turned 50.
Michelle
Hi Chloe,
ReplyDeletefirst I would like to thank you for inviting me to view and read your blog, it is truely very nice and thoughtful, that you would consider me as a friend even though you and I have never met in person and only exchanged a few e-mails in the past year.
I would like to say that you are a Pioneer and I look up to you and those who have traveled your path.
I know nothing ever comes easy and of course it would not be worth the trial and error it took to achieve. I been down another path, roads traveled and always tried to learn from those before me, those in the likes of you.
You are one of the very reason's I have come out in the open and started to learn and grow with myself where ever it may take me.
Your blogs are, have been and I hope will remain to be very educational, and entertaining.
and
You are one who is not afraid to take the step and show the World who and what you are made of and make your life public to benefit others, other like me.
I have been through up and downs in my life and they have always made me a stonger person, although not the same, but hurtful in so many ways I thought of no way out, however in some way maybe because of pure human instinct, I have always gone on because I wanted to see the outcome and still looking to expect the worst in things something good has always come from it, and I am glad for having gone through it.
Be that is it may, I have a Tattoo that says "never quit" I have always kept that thought in my mind with everything that this life throws at me.
I hope you continue to write about things in your blog, but your main focus is yourself and family and whats best for your situtation.
A good friend once told me
You are the Master of your own Destiny, Not always your destination.
I believe this to be true in all of us!
Take care!
Christine
Hi Chloe, just wanted to say thank you for inviting me to be among those to view your blog. I understand it's a Vegas kind of thing, and appreciate your confidence in my keeping quiet.
ReplyDeleteI won't offer advice or sympathetic words, not here, if you want that all you have to do is dial me up. You know I am always here for you, anytime, 24/7.
Love ya, lets do lunch, or an early bird dinner, you know us "retired folks" .. ROFL
Melissa Sheridan
Hi Chloe... Thanks for inviting me to view your Blog. I've been reading for quite a while and would have missed being able to do that.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to the day that you can write about looking back on the bad experiences.
I'll be thinking good thoughts for you and yours.I wish you well...
Dear Chloe,
ReplyDeleteThank you for inviting me to read your blog.
You have lots of friends and I'm happy to be one of them. I've known you for while now and you really are one of the nicer authentic people I've known.
The economy is taking its toll on lots of people and I'm sorry to see you have become one of them. Regardless, you have a plan and with your many friends, your health, and your youth, you are well prepared to weather the economic and emotional storm.
Don't second guess yourself on the expenses you encountered in past couple of years with your transition. First, no one could have predicted the economic mess we are in! Then the time was right for you to transition. Transitioning is pointless unless it comes early enough to change your circumstances. You did what was right for you when it was right for you.
With the economic mess that has developed and your home situation that you describe, I'd be surprised if you weren't feeling lonely and depressed by all of the uncertainty. In time everything will work out. It may not be easy, but in a few years this will all be behind you and you will be living the life you dreamed about when you started your transition. Then it will have been worthwhile, something unlikely had you waited.
Most of us are likely adversely affected by the economic crisis. We just have to keep our optimism and follow Annie's advise to, "Remember the sun will come out tomorrow."
Keep in touch,
Ginger
Chloe, I have subscribed to your blog for about a year now, and first became aware of it when you left a comment on mine.
ReplyDeleteTo say I was shocked and saddened to read this post is an understatement. I realize it was from a few months ago and, for some reason, I just saw it pop up on Google Reader even though I have been a subscriber of your private blog.
I do hope things have improved since you wrote this including your own personal life and your financial situation.
You and your family will be in my thoughts.