Waxed Fruit

Having been presenting now for 3 full years as a woman, and 1 year post-operatively having my body surgically aligned as close as I can ever appear to be a natal woman - I have noticed a behavior in the general public, that, I couldn’t quite understand… until now.

I think the problem with some, is that, sometimes, in trying to understanding me, and people like me, they have categorize me before giving me a chance and sampling the goods. I feel like I’m seen as nothing more than “waxed fruit” -- a mere prop -- beautiful on the surface, but with no real value, other than allowing it to fill a space in the background – accepting it’s not real, but still with a small purpose of reminding someone of what the “real” bowl of fruit once looked and tasted like.

I can’t justify how “female” I am on a day to day basis, because honestly, being female is an “identity thing”– not a hobby or physical thing. I think that idea gets lost among all the surface changes one goes through in a transition. People see you as selfish and self centered because you must take so many liberties to free yourself from a prison within your body. Someone very close to me recently said “…on the outside, you look the part – but on the inside, you’ll never know what it means to [be] or how a real female thinks”. I acknowledge that, and the fact they'll never understand what it means to be Trans. However, I never said I did know these things – only that I will spend the rest of my life living as close to that narrative as possible. It is YOU who are trying to hold me to some standard (again). That standard being a binary system of what a man and woman is or should be to themselves and in their approach to the world.

I won’t spend my life emulating or “femulating” what I think a woman is – because that would be making this transition “all about them” - rather, trying to satisfy what “they” expect of me. All my life I have felt a built in sense of being a failure. I spent years trying to live up to others expectations of what they thought I should be doing with my life – whether they seen it or not. I did everything I could to compartmentalize the feelings I had of being “girlie” into a closet of shame and denial for so long to protect others (not myself), that, when my own body betrayed me by changing my hormone balance, I felt betrayed when those around me pushed me away when I needed them most to understand and help me.

People will argue that transitioning was a choice. This statement [in its self] is selfish of others to say, because it unfairly glosses over so many other things to bring the conversation back full circle to “their” point, that, “I am a failure because I couldn’t live up to their expectations of what they believe is normal and a good life for me and my kids”. Talk about selfish and self centered?! If only they would take time to understand “My” point of view, and understand, “this is NOT about them.” I am sorry it affects others, and that they feel a sense of loss, etc. But again, that’s about them, and something they need to come to terms on because they are grieving a sense of loss on something they thought they had… they grieve a sense of loss on the part I played for them… but now they struggle to find the value of where I will fit into their lives now and how I will fulfill their expectations of what they want me to do FOR THEM and for others . I can’t help them with that, except to remain patient and hope for a day when they realize that I am the same person they always loved and liked, only the stationary has changed.

I have forgiven myself for not being perfect, and for those around me who also are not perfect. Letting go of hate, shame and guilt is much harder – but again, I am not perfect either. My surgeries have allowed me to be at peace with the stranger that once looked back at me in the mirror. I no longer feel like I was designed to fail – but the trade for that is failing to live to others expectations. That’s where guilt comes in – and boy oh boy have I carried my loads worth.

So now, I feel like a cornered cat with this ABC special that is coming out. So many people with so many opinions. Some good, some not so much. I’ve been asked, “why did you do it?” The short answer is “education”. I feel that my family will give a good inside to other families of America that #1, maybe going through the same situation, and are not alone. And #2 that may be if they see the crosses my family must carry now because of my situation, people will think twice before judging us, and unduly placing more crosses upon us to carry.

Would I do it again? HECK YES! Being on TV was fun, and YES, I liked the attention too… I am after all, a woman!!! But that wasn’t my motive. It was to bring a spot light onto a situation that is beginning to be all to common. Last year, a close friend of mine committed suicide after succumbing to the pressures of guilt and shame she put on her family from transitioning. These pressures were from outside forces. I hope this special honors her and will show the ones that loved her, or have suffered a similar loss, will inspire them to seek understanding and ground them to the fact that they are not alone.

Everyday people are coming out – and it won’t be long before its common place to see and know someone is trans… look at Chaz Bono! I think Cher and Chaz are awesome for the way they have handled themselves in the public, and in their private life too (what we know of it). I only hope Chaz will use the extra attention to bring awareness and out reach to a wider audience – That’s what I have been trying to do… and if you’re listening Oprah, I’m here! lol

I have dreams for myself and my family. I still want to go to work, raise my kids, love my spouse and fulfill her dreams too – but only with what I have to offer. I won’t be put into anyone’s box anymore and be given a leash into their lives. These are impossible situations that are one sided and I am distancing myself and family from things that are negative or make us feel shameful for who we are. No special invite nights for us, when everyone else is celebrating on another night. Instead, I’m surrounding myself with love and those that will support us – not make us feel “different”. My family and I are normal – just a variant of normal.

May be an outsider can’t see this right away for whatever reasons. But if you find yourself looking in, ask yourself, are you judging me by YOUR standards of what a quality life is or should be for me and my family? What makes you right or me right? I don’t feel anyone is wrong for how they feel, until they lay those feelings on top me as what should be my own. I am no less a human or worthy of love and peace than the next person, no matter who they pray to or who they love or how they look, or where they come from. What don’t we get? If I am selfish for being THAT, then call me selfish… but I tend to feel that others are selfish for holding me to their brand and calling me crazy if I don’t float like everyone else.

If you find yourself in these situations, no matter the side of the fence your on, I would like to invite you to sample this “waxed fruit” -- you may be surprised -- and by all means, feel free to eat me.