It’s been some time…
…yet here I am.
So, what have I learned? I know what is hurting inside me now… and that is, I miss the true innocents of my mothers love. I realize now though, that sometimes, you can never go home.
My mother turned 60 this year – That’s still pretty young in my book. Even so, I don’t think there is a day that goes by, I don’t hold my breath waiting to hear even just once, my mother say, I love you, Chloe. I fear that day will never come.
Things just aren’t the same… but how can they be? I so badly want her to know how much I love her. Yet, I don’t know how to show or tell her, in a way that isn’t self-serving. I hate feeling so selfish about this… selfish in that, I need her love to validate me as real.
I see now where I went wrong with my mother though. I assumed… No… I expected her to just “accept, and love me” because I am her child… I’m such a fool.
For the past month, I have been haunted by a terrible dream. In the dream, my eldest son Logan has died. When I am dreaming, I understand completely how and why this has happen, but yet, when I wake, I can never remember why or how it has happened - only that, I know I just dreamt he was gone… and even though I am now awake… and even though I don’t know why he died in my dream, the pain from the fear of him being gone has washed over me in the form of night sweats and tears, that soak my pillow.
I am alone most days where I work as a technician for the phone company. Having a lot of time to think about things in silence, I’ve been so distracted by these dreams that they consume my thoughts to the point they bring me real pain. The result of all this has brought into focus the thoughts and feelings of my mother.
I was very hurt that my mother never accepted me… but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go.
In my dream with Logan, I am so grief stricken, that, I remember my youngest son Barry (6) comes to console me – saying anything he can to get my attention. Yet, I am driven into the depths of angst even worse when I realize I can feel no love for Barry because Logan is gone… I can feel no love for myself, or anyone else. I am so grief stricken that I am brought to my knees, unable to breath. “he’s gone…” My life, is over… I have lived for nothing. All that I am or ever would be has been taken away. I want to die.
Then I wake, crying…
Rene tries to console me now… “…the dream again?” she asks. My thoughts crystallize… “…this must be how she felt…” I sob… “Who?”, Rene says. I turn to her shoulder and cry… “My Mom.”