It’s been some time……yet here I am.
So, what have I learned? I know what is hurting inside me now… and that is, I miss the true innocents of my mothers love. I realize now though, that sometimes, you can never go home.
My mother turned 60 this year – That’s still pretty young in my book. Even so, I don’t think there is a day that goes by, I don’t hold my breath waiting to hear even just once, my mother say, I love you, Chloe. I fear that day will never come.
Things just aren’t the same… but how can they be? I so badly want her to know how much I love her. Yet, I don’t know how to show or tell her, in a way that isn’t self-serving. I hate feeling so selfish about this… selfish in that, I need her love to validate me as real.
I see now where I went wrong with my mother though. I assumed… No… I expected her to just “accept, and love me” because I am her child… I’m such a fool.
For the past month, I have been haunted by a terrible dream. In the dream, my eldest son Logan has died. When I am dreaming, I understand completely how and why this has happen, but yet, when I wake, I can never remember why or how it has happened - only that, I know I just dreamt he was gone… and even though I am now awake… and even though I don’t know why he died in my dream, the pain from the fear of him being gone has washed over me in the form of night sweats and tears, that soak my pillow.
I am alone most days where I work as a technician for the phone company. Having a lot of time to think about things in silence, I’ve been so distracted by these dreams that they consume my thoughts to the point they bring me real pain. The result of all this has brought into focus the thoughts and feelings of my mother.
I was very hurt that my mother never accepted me… but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go.
In my dream with Logan, I am so grief stricken, that, I remember my youngest son Barry (6) comes to console me – saying anything he can to get my attention. Yet, I am driven into the depths of angst even worse when I realize I can feel no love for Barry because Logan is gone… I can feel no love for myself, or anyone else. I am so grief stricken that I am brought to my knees, unable to breath. “he’s gone…” My life, is over… I have lived for nothing. All that I am or ever would be has been taken away. I want to die.
Then I wake, crying…
Rene tries to console me now… “…the dream again?” she asks. My thoughts crystallize… “…this must be how she felt…” I sob… “Who?”, Rene says. I turn to her shoulder and cry… “My Mom.”
Oh! God love you Chloe! Having been rejected by my mother for being trans, when I was just a toddler, I can sympathize with your angst. But there may be hope yet. She has to grieve the loss of her son. Give her time. I think we all long for our mothers to accept ofus, as the daughters we always wanted to be. It's just so much harder for them to make that leap, than it is for us.
ReplyDeleteIf my arms could reach you through cyberspace, I'd give you a big warm hug right now!
Take care, sweetie, and don't be too hard on yourself.
Melissa XXOO
Chloe, I pains me to know you are suffering such mental anguish over a dream. I wonder if you go to sleep every night wondering if that same dream will recur again. So often, an obsessive thought at bedtime can force a dream to return over and over.
ReplyDeleteI think you might be selling your mother a little short. Just because she cannot accept you as Chloe does not mean she does not still love you. Perhaps she just needs to keep that love in reserve for you as you were before transitioning. Your mom and I are about the same age and I remember what "values" were like when I was being raised. Sexual transitioning was unheard of. Gay acceptance was non-existent. Being pregnant in high school was strictly taboo and a great scar on your life and that of your whole family. I would not give up on you mother though. I've changed my view on many things over the years and she can too...in time...perhaps a long time.
I think the biggest thing you can do is somehow just let her know that you love her unconditionally. She already loves Ted unconditionally...give her time to learn to love Chloe unconditionally. After all, she didn't raise Chloe. Let her know you understand her feelings and that you are willing to give her all the time she needs...but that your love for her will never end. It's hard for others to understand that our hearts and minds are basically the same after transition as they are before.
Try not to torture yourself dear. Know you are loved...love in return. It's the most important thing in life. :)Suzi
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteYou've brought tears to my eyes, and what you say here makes sense on the surface of it, but it sounds like you're blaming yourself for your mother's feelings, or taking responsibility for them, or at the very least, finding a way to empathize with them. The dream about your son is a nightmare I would hate to have. I have a 15 year old son, and such a dream would leave me sick and afraid, but I don't think it's a good analogy for your mother's feelings.
My mother is 78, but for the past couple of years she's been in a home, effectively dead in her inability to communicate or retain a memory for more than a few minutes. The mother I could call on the phone for a dose of unconditional love has simply ceased to exist. She's now in hospice and will soon be physically gone, as well, but I know that if she were alive, she would accept me for the woman I am. Back in the '80s when I started going to dance clubs with gay friends, she ask me if I was gay. It was a logical question, as I'd finally begun to set some of the girl free under the guise of glam and androgyny. I'm not attracted to men, and told I wasn't gay, but if I had been gay, she would have felt no differently about me. She simply wanted to know. And if I had been able to tell her that I've always felt like I should have been a girl, that I AM a girl, she would have accepted that and loved me just as much as ever.
If my son were to tell me he was gay or trans, he'd still be my child, and I'd love my child no matter what. I don't understand parents who turn their backs on their children when they need their parents love most. I know your pain, because my father would disown me if he knew I was trans.
What you're saying is that your mother feels like her son died when you were born, but you've always been Chloe. I don't agree that loving you too much to accept you for who you truly are is the highest form of love. The highest form of love would be to accept you as you. As Chloe. Her child.
You're a beautiful woman, and a loving person, and you've survived a long walk down a very hard road. It just a shame that your mother couldn't find it within herself to greet you at the end of that road. It's her loss, and yours, too.
Love
Dana
xxx
Chloe I'm much closer to your mom's age than yours but I'm no substitute for a mother's love, Here's a big hug anyway and a note to say you are loved. I have no doubt that your mother is still grieving or the loss of her son. I can also imagine she is angry at you for taking him away. If she's anything like my mom she probably blames herself for your transition as well.
ReplyDeleteYour dream seems like your subconscious empathizing with the hurt and emptiness your mom feels from the loss of her son. Sometimes all one can do is apologize. I've lost count of how many times I've said "I'm sorry" to my mom.
No one can heap on the guilt quite like a mom. My mom is finally saying I love you again but it has taken a long time to get here. We still have our battles but in my case I am all the family she has.
I have a fair idea of how much your heart aches for her love Chloe but hang in there. Share with her your feelings and continue to give her your love. I know it hurts to not get it back but hang in there one day you may her "I love you too".
I've given up on my mom many times and swore that was it, we were through, but time heals those wounds and now here I am leaving Tuesday to bring her to our home for the holidays. If we make it through the week without fighting it will be a miracle. Oh well. If you turn "MOM" upside down what do you get "WOW". Hang in there Chloe. Big (((HUGS))) and love, Teri.
I just wanted to send you some love.
ReplyDeleteBig Big Hug.
xxx
Both parents and 6 of 7 siblings reject me to this day, 1 1/2 years after transition. It was something I wouldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams.
ReplyDeleteLike you, it's been incredibly difficult to reconcile the harsh judgment of my parents. In my case, that I'm phoney, deluded and living in sin. I grew up very close to Mom, confiding in her. I never expected her to turn away, certainly not this long.
What helped liberate me emotionally were the words of a dear friend who suffered years of abuse. She told me I would not move forward emotionally until I truly accepted my mother's (and father's) non-acceptance. I wrote that letter of unconditional acceptance to my parents one month ago. Last week I called to wish my parents Happy Holidays. We had a pleasant chat. Nothing serious. No touchy personal questions, no gender acknowledgments or pronouncments, but good honest talk nonetheless. I could tell my call surprised them--in a positive way.
Before we closed the conversation, Mom said she was sorry I couldn't be home for holidays, just like last year. Of course, we both know I won't be there because I'm not welcome home.
Last year that painful reality created a gaping wound in my heart. I thought the tears wouldn't stop.
This year is a bit different. I'm at peace. I acknowledge it's my life I'm living, not theirs. I'm content and resolute on my own path. I accept my family's intolerance. It's simply where they're at and what they have the capacity to understand. I'm powerless to change their opinions. They're good people, good parents and I love them for who they are. And with that I let go of parental expectation for good.
Maybe it's the break-away moment I should have had as a young adult. Better late than never, I suppose. I feel my new perspective has matured me, released me and presented me a renewed sense of self.
I realize I can only control my own feelings, not others.
I wish you all the best in reconciling your family relationships. You deserve peace of mind. We all do.
Warm Holiday Regards.
I can definitely relate to what you've written here. I haven't talked to my mother for a year now. The last time I talked to her was Christmas Day, 2008. I could tell she couldn't wait to get off the phone with me.
ReplyDeleteWe just have to give it time, as Melissa said. I just hope both our mothers get through the grieving process before someone actually passes away and it's too late for them to make amends or deal with things differently.
*hugs*
Wow, your mom is 4 years younger than my boyfriend, and he isn't all that much older than me. Kind of puts things into a weird perspective.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, my parents both passed away before either was able to see the person that I have become, so there is no acceptance for me, and I will never again feel my mother's love. At least in your case, there is a chance that in time, your mother will come around to accepting you.
You said that you don't know how to let your mother know that you love her in a way that isn't self-serving. It's actually quite simple... write her a letter, letting her know how much she means to you. Don't make it about you... let it be all about her and how much she means to you, plain and simple.
I hurt for you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteHello Chloe - I really am at a loss for words on this one - but time can be a wonderful healer - Perhaps you may consider to send your mum a lovely box of chocolates, along with a letter of love expressing your unconditional (love) for her - I feel your trauma and your pain... - You are not alone... Love Ya Kid !!
ReplyDeleteYou may be grieving the loss of the part of you that was loved the way you love your son Logan. (just an alternate dream interpretation).
ReplyDeleteI feel for you sooo much. My fear of losing my family was the #1 reason I waited to transition as long as I did. But you can only keep denying yourself for only so long....living an unauthentic life is not the gift we're given. Everyone has to make the hours and days and years of their lives count for what they believe in, otherwise life is frittered away. And it's too precious for that. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you peace.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking to myself, how can a showing of affection be construed by oneself, as self-serving or a validation.
ReplyDeleteYou keep the lines open and you tell your Mum on a regular basis that you love her.
A simple phone call to say hello suffices and if she is too stubborn to bend into the wind, so be it, tell her you love her and you will talk again soon.
I sense a guilt trip ploy at work here.
Quite frankly, am I else wise, you are the most unselfish person I have ever had the pleasure of having the acquaintance of and if your Mum refuses to accept your love, it is she that needs to reassess. I can see her thoughts though.
If she rejects you, you will come to your senses, hah, and go back to the happy? family unit you were?
My generation is redoubtably the most selfish of generations.
I recognize that and I personally try to make amends in my own small way.
Keep communicating and I wish you a happier future with your Mum,
Rachel in Oz
60 is young in my book too, My mom passed at 60, I only found her 6 months prior and saw her maybe 10 times as she lay in a convolecense home suffering from MS. But regardless of the bitterness both ways for all those years seperated (given up for adoption) a mothers bond never breaks with her chld.
ReplyDeleteThank her for all the opportunities she gave you or at least make her aware of your appreciation of all she tried or did for you, that helped me. ( I know she tred to keep me even though societies rule would not allow a single mom to keep her child at the time )
I recognize and am so awhere of the haunting dreams. Mine are gone now, may you find the clarity of thought and the peace of mind you so need. Chloe you helped me connect with my family and unselfishly spent hours talking with my sister, because of that I have her back and my brother too, is there anyway I/we can help you just ask and I/we am/are there for you.
Chloe honey first a hug from me dear sister.
ReplyDeleteI had a dream my daughter had died of an overdose. She has never used drugs, to my knowledge, but I know the dream was twofold: 1. it showed I feel responsible for her and am helpless to ease her pain 2. death represents permanent separation in this life and I fear your permanent rejection should I leave.
Mothers are the epitomy of comfort. In the depths of her dispare over my transitioning I heard my wife crying out from her bed for her mommy and she has never done that. Her mom died Easter weekend 2000. My biggest trepidation in all my revealing of Marsha to select individuals was telling mom. Turns out she has been my best, howbeit, not enthusiastic, supporter. Her understanding and support mean more to me than anything I can imagine.
Mothers seem to eventually come to our side. Something about being a mother we can never discard our children if we are in our right minds. I think at some point mom will be heard from. Don't give up hope.
BTW I will be 60 in 7 1/2 years, so 60 is young. :-)
I weep with you and for you. Love you sister with hugs,
Marsha
i wish i could write something helpful and coherent that could help you out, but on this topic i don't know if i can. here is what i have, though..
ReplyDeletei have found in my life that the most important thing is to feel and express your emotions, and i've been told this a zillion times by all the counselors i've had. i know what you mean when you said you don't know how to tell her. the solution is easy, though doing it is hard - tell her "i love you, mom." no expression of your emotion is self-serving, it is how you feel, and nobody can tell you what or why you feel it or need to express it or that it's wrong. i wish you the best in doing so, as i know how frustrating it is not to know how, or to be terrified of expressing how i feel.
as far as validation goes, name me any child who doesn't feel good about getting validation, acknowledgment, approval, praise, from their parent. it is normal and natural, and not selfish whatsoever. as far as where you went "wrong", your expectation for her to just accept and love you because you are her child, that is normal and natural and what any good parent does. i've spent my life feeling desperate for and craving these things.
i have to disagree with your belief that the highest form of love results in not letting go. if that were true then the expression wouldn't exist that "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was."
if she only loves the old you, isn't she is loving conditionally?
[ please feel free to think of what i've written as dumb. i have some issues with my parents, and i know i may be wrong 100% and if so, i totally apologize. ]
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteAs a parent myself and a child of parents still living, I can relate a bit to your feelings. I tend to over think things too much myself due to having a lot of time to myself these days. Despite being transgendered, were the situation reversed and my own son (24) were to do what I have, it would be difficult to deal with, as a parent.
Despite our own feelings about ourselves, we raise our children the best we can, and we love them for what they are, what they make of themselves. We get attached to the person they become. None of us can really say to ourselves that we have changed inside. We are the same person to ourselves. A reality of transition however, is that we are different to everybody else, especially family and that can be difficult to accept.
I think for me, the most devastating moment in all of this, was hearing my spouse crying deeply, as if I had literally died. To her, I have died, and that is a very difficult thing to feel coming from another person when you are right there.
You have me wondering about something now that I had not considered. My own mother, like much of my family, has generally speaking, accepted me. Having said that, they all still refer to me as he and/or by my given name, Robert. It does not really bother me, or at least it didn't bother me. After all, they knew me for 50 years as Robert, a man. Still, I have never thought about, nor have I expected my mother to say "I Love You Robin". I wonder now if she will ever be able to say that to me and mean it. Robert, was her child and "he" is gone from her perspective. In his place is this person, this woman, who while being very much like him, is still not him. Sure, I am still her child and she still loves me. However, I think she, and perhaps the rest of the family are thinking about Robert. I doubt if she, or they, will ever think of Robin as much or in the same way as Robert.
I too have times where I think the same thoughts as you. "My life, is over" "I have lived for nothing".
But your life is not over Chloe, it is not over for any of us.
I'm not going to attempt to analyze your dream, but I think I do understand it. Nobody said this was an easy road to travel and like most of us, you really did not have a choice. Why any of us have been forced by god or nature to have our lives overturned like this, we may never know.
The point is, you did not do anything to anybody! Not your mom, your children, not your wife. If our suffering and that of those around us during these emotional times is unavoidable, we must treat the situation like anything else disruptive to a family. It is not however, no matter how hurt you feel, the end of life.
We cannot force acceptance on anybody, but we can remind our loved ones, our children, our parents, that despite the outward changes, we are still here, we still love them. I don't believe anyone's heart is so hardened or broken that the day will not come when they too see the bright side in all of this. The bright side being that we are still here, we are still, the child, the parent, and we never left, we just changed.
But if all these people in our lives can do is say I love you with a reference to the label we once had, don't read anything negative into that. Take it for what it is, their way of letting you know they still love you.
As you said, your mom's inability to acknowledge Chloe is likely because she is still hanging on to her little boy, and that in itself as you note, really is the highest form of love. One has to be a parent to understand that, and so I believe you do.
If they never get over it and acknowledge you as Chloe, at least be happy in the knowledge that they do love you.
And finally, yes, as noted, even I feel that way sometimes, but there is always a reason to go on living, so enough with such thoughts!
Kisses
Robin
Oh My God Chloe,
ReplyDeleteYou wrote what I feel about my mother!
Hugs
Markie
Hi Chloe, My wife says I never came out to anyone until my mother died.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure my mother never would have understood my condition and I guess I wasn't up for rejection. So I offer this inspirational thought to you as some solace. Luv Ya, Cerise
"How does one become a butterfly?"
she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
"You mean to die?" asked Yellow
"Yes and no" he answered.
"What looks like you will die, but what's really you will live."
Trina Paulus, Hope For The Flowers
My dearest Chloe,
ReplyDeleteSuch a heart-wrenching blog can't help but telling you it brought a tear to my eyes. I know who you are better for it and our dreams often give us insight into who we are and our fears.
Cerise has some words of wisdom but I offer you this:
-Know in your heart how you have felt and how you have helped others by giving us PE
-Your sisters here are always here for you and ready to listen and help
-You have special friends all over the world, we have all had different experiences and levels of involvement but we worship what a terrific place you have made for us to be ourselves.
-True, we cannot replace those truly special people in your life but we strive everyday to win more room in your heart... and if you are open to it you will find your heart will swell to such proportions as to allow anyone who needs solace in.
I send you the warmest hugs and love Chloe! I hope that helps drive away your tears and brings a tiny smile to your face.
Many, many, many hugs!!
~Samantha
Hey Chloe, although are situations are different I can relate to how your feeling, only in my case it was a dear friend of 30 plus years. When I first came out to her she told me nothing would change, I love you for who you are she said. Well as it turned out that wasn't quite true and within months are relationship had changed. She became distant, she stopped returning my calls. All that came to a boil one night when she lost complete control and said some very hurtful things to me. I was devastated, I thought my world had come to an end. I lay motionless for several days only able to cry.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to figure out exactly what had happened, why the sudden change ? In her mind Dan was going away, probably much like your mother thinks that Ted went away. Of course in away he did, but you know your still the same person and hopefully in time she will realize that too. I was lucky I had someone standing behind me, my wife, who was always there to pick me up when I was falling apart. She gave me some good advice, just spend as much time as you can with her being yourself, stop pushing for acceptance, stop expecting her to say and do things shes not ready for. Its taken nearly three years to get where we are today and I'm happy to say she still loves me and has now truly accepted me for who I am.
You know in your heart that your mother loves you, give her time to go through the grieving process and sort things out, she'll come around.
Judy sometimes
Your sad dream has shown you the empathy you needed for your mother. This is powerful. I so admire your ability to express yourself so beautifully.... I love you sis.
ReplyDeleteChloe, while there is life there is hope. While you are realizing what your mother must be going through it also means that you are growing up. You are looking beyond your own thoughts and needs to the thoughts and needs of others that you could not see before and this is a wonderful thing. As you said “but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go.” That is so adult and more, human. I know for myself that I can never hear those words since I was the age of twenty-eight; so as I said where there is life there is hope and I pray that there will be time enough for both of you to reconcile and come to accept and love each other as you are now Chloe. Remember the fact that you have come to realize may help you to hear those words yet. Though I can’t give you a real one from PA I hope that a cyber HUG will do. HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSo sad, Chloe. I wish I could give you a comforting hug like you gave me at SCC this past year. I hope your mother finds acceptance.
ReplyDeleteLove, Sherri Tancyus
My Dear Chloe, Thank you for such an honest sharing - God and you both know that your Mom loves you - that is what we Moms do! Hugs, Jill
ReplyDeleteA child's love and need for acceptance of their parents will never go away regardless of age. It is so normal that you long for that from yours. Your dream of you being Logan has a deep message. I hope that some day your mother will come around to accept the person that you are rather than how so many parents feel that they loved was as they knew them is gone. Please always love Logan and Barry because they love you so much. But I know you will. Hugs Kristi
ReplyDeleteStumbled in here ... but if I can offer some advice ...
ReplyDeleteJust tell your Mom you love her. Love is never unselfish. We tell others we love them hoping they'll love us back ... but that's okay, they're doing the same thing. Love is ... and can only be ... reciprocal. She probably has the same fears you do. If we wait for the other person to say it first, we'll miss a lot of love. Take a chance! Say you love her! ... And if she doesn't reciprocate right away, keep saying it! There's every chance she's as confused about it as you are.
Go for it and keep going!
John, I really need to wonder if you have any children, because a parent's love for his or her child is truly unselfish, unless the parent is truly a selfish person, and needs that love in return in order to love their child. When my son was born, my body literally filled with love for him, as if it was liquid filling a vessel. A baby isn't really able to express love, and fortunately, most of us love our children anyway. Teenagers are often hard to love if taken at face value, but you love them anyway, because you really don't have a choice. It's not a faucet you can turn off.
ReplyDeleteWhich is the point with Chloe and her mother. Her mother should love Chloe no matter what, and be there for her. Any other kind of parent is a defective individual.
Love,
Dana
xxxx
I have thought of my Mom and Dad who are both gone now but when I have I want to hugs them and tell them how much I love them and miss them and feel one day I will.
ReplyDeleteWhen I came out to my mom (about to turn 60!) she was thrilled that I finally came out. She even told me that if I would have come out to her when I was in my teens (when I was first exploring my female side) she would have raised me to be her daughter. We had many discussions about what I was going thru and what it would put the family thru. Everything was positive. Communication was going strong.
ReplyDeleteThen suddenly her attitude changed. Out of the blue. I was nothing more than a circus side-show freak. An exhibitionist. I'll never understand the pain I put her thru. I'm an embarasment and I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. And she's sorry that I think that she is a bad mother. (Her words not mine.)
It's all left me with me scratching my head. How can she one minute accept then not? She raised me to accept the different. Be myself. Keep an open mind. I never knew she was so close-minded. I guess the different is ok to accept as long it it doesn't hit close to home.
We haven't spoken since Christmas Day 2008. (Well except for an email asking if I still had a job.) Will we ever talk again? I'd like to think so.
So your hurt is a hurt we all share. You are just quite good at getting it down in words. Take your hurt and let it give you strength. If your situation resolves, it resolves. If it doesn't, you tried your best. That's about all we can do.
Awww Chloe. This made me cry. My parents have both rejected me and I guess they are definitely grieving.
ReplyDeleteI just never thought about it in such a way that it was becuase thats how much they loved me, that they couldn't let go.
Hope the dreams are gone by now and things are getting better for you, *hugs*