It's hard to believe that just one year ago yesterday, I was laying in Dr. Suporn’s recovery ward in Thailand after having undergone FFS, hair grafts and GRS, all at the same time. The memories of it were brought back to me by a friend by the name of Patty Gardner who also had her GRS surgery just 2 days after mine, but visited with me in my room those first few hours of recovery. As it turned out, she called me last night to wish me a happy rebirth day as we recounted our experiences and had a good laugh too.After 1 year Post op, here is what I know.
In my first few months home, I experienced some granulation growth in my vaginal cavity that made dilation (the thing you do to keep your new vagina from closing up like a new ear pierce) difficult. Still I pressed on, but was not able to maintain keeping my largest dilator in to expand the territory of width I needed to get to, to be able to have the possibility for comfortable sex. I have however, maintained my depth, and still do to this day, by using a smaller dilator. But it was necessary to purchase a smaller dilator than given to me by Dr. Suporn – which made it more comfortable of an activity for me.
If I tried using the larger dilators, the granulations would be come ulcerated and eventually infected – causing other issues. The compromise was the smaller dilator - but with that, came the tightening of the vaginal cavity -- which in its current state, makes having sex an uncomfortable, to impossible thought.
[Dr Suporn, Chloe Prince and Mrs. Suporn - Chonburi Thailand, May 2008]
Dr. Suporn guarantees all his work for life. Baring this in mind, some friends of mine all decided to have their GRS this year - so, being the instigator that I am, I coordinated it so we would all be over there at the same time. One of my friends put the idea in my head by offering to take me with her so she would have a travel companion. With the economy the way it is, and Rene being out of work, I myself was not going to be able to afford the time off from work nor the plane & hotel fair back to Chonburi Thailand. With the offer of my friend to take me, I would be able to join her on the journey. I’ll help her through those first few days that are so critical, then shortly after, I'll have a minor revision with Dr. Suporn to address the granulation and dilation issue.
Part of the revision will be to remove the hardened scar tissue ring that has developed around the P.C. Muscle from not being able to dilate it with the larger dilators. The revision will put me back on track to being able to be where I need so I can dilate and eventually, if I choose too, will be able to have comfortable intercourse by way of penetration.
I also had hair grafts done last year -- and they grew in AWESOME! But Dr. Suporn warned that this was ONLY round 1 of 2. That is because when he did my FFS, it left a scar from the incision line at the top of my forehead’s hair line and he was not able to put grafts over that fresh incision to cover the scar. Upon returning to Thailand this summer, I will finally have the 2nd round of grafts completed… and I can't tell you how happy I am for that, as it has been humbling having that scar there. I know many of you may not even notice it, but that’s because I cover it with my hair or use make up - but believe me, ITS THERE!
The scar is something I’ve learned to live with, but it took awhile… and it HAS humbled me. I really use to take for granted my looks... but once you have to WORK hard to maintain them, it changes your outlook on yourself, and how you see others in every day situations, fighting battles within themselves... and you learn to be a more understanding and a human person.
There were many days I looked into the mirror and just cried because of that scar line... I wondered if it would ever go away or could ever be completely covered... Its the first thing my eyes go to whenever I see a photo of myself or in the mirror. I hate it... I hate it more than I hated not having a vagina. It reminds me, “…be careful what you ask for girl - you may just get it.”
The hair grafts themselves are now about 5 inches long - it takes time for them to grow in the beginning. And oh, do they look so natural; but they didn't always. In those first few months, the hair follicle sheds the actual hair, and for a short time, the area looks bare {yikes!} - you start to think, “WTF!?!? …did I just waste my money AND my own hair?” But, in time, they begin to grow, and the first hairs that do grow, comes out a bit kinky and coyly. After about 6 months the follicles begin to seat themselves in and the hair begins to grow straighter and straighter.
In the beginning, the hair graft follicles can become impacted from the skin trying to heal closed over top them -- they boil up like anything else -- and well, its painful, gross and you have to excise the boil just like any other pimple or boil. I would say darn near 25% of the 1000 grafts I had done DID boil up on me -- it seemed like for months that I always had what looked to be pimples in my scalp line. 1 Year later and I still get one or 2 here or there -- and that is because the new pore that has formed from these grafted follicles being implanted are not the same as your natural hair shaft pores, and they can get filled very easily with oil and gunk from hair product -- causing them to becoming ingrown or infected. With each day that passes, it becomes less infrequent - but with my job where I work outside – in addition to sweating, I’m exposed to the elements and dust. This makes it more challenging for me to heal those grafts, than say for instance, other people who don’t work under these conditions.
Once my GRS revision is complete -- I expect to be up and around in a day or 2 based on other’s experiences -- then I’ll under go another 500 grafts to finally cover that damn scar that seems to have robed me of my self confidence at times.
And orgasms. I've definitely had my share. I have to say, that its so much easier and more powerful having a female orgasm. Pre-Op, I could not imagine not being able to have an orgasm, because I could not fathom how it was all going to work.... that’s cause the only reference to sexual stimulation I had was tied to my penis, and the processes of making all THAT business work. Not knowing this, was a fear that for a long time held me back from deciding to go forward. It took many people sharing their stories to give me the faith in myself to add to my decision to go forward – come what may.
Today, I feel so foolish and giddy because now I see that in reality, the penis really was only in the way. With the penis removed, my clitoris is a raw center of nerves, completely exposed without the coverings of the unnecessary tissue that is a penis. The clit is in my experience, 100x more sensitive than my penis ever was -- it doesn't take anywhere near as much to "get there", and when you finally do -- let me tell you -- It’ll literally redefine the word -and- meaning of “pleasure” in all known and unknown languages!
On Sex -- I make no secret to my spouse that I would some day like to experience sex with a man. I know this sounds selfish, nor is it what she wanted to hear, but she did ask.. and so, if I am being honest… well, that is honesty. So yeah… I’m curious to “know”.
I know not everyone needs these surgeries to be comfortable with themselves -- but I did. Nor do I think differently or any less of those that don’t or hasn’t had the surgeries… but understand, this is what was necessary for me. With that said, I can honestly say my new parts have helped me to become so much more in tuned with my sense of self being – no longer do I feel inadequate around females -- no longer do I need to “buy” or “blog” or “march” for my identity… with each day, I’ve learned to live within the new limits of my femininity and having these procedures has cured me of all “that”… that being, my need to express “Chloe” through an outward presentation that was based on clothes or cosmetics or hair. Now, no matter what I wear, I still feel like me -- and I’m comfortable with that – and I can be comfortable no mater what I drape on my body, because I know, underneath it all, the drapes will always match the rug.
[Adarabeth, me and a fellow patient friend]
