Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamt my ReAssignment surgery was reversing it's self. Panic stricken, I flew back to Thailand where I found myself once again in Dr. Suporn's exam room.
"...I'm sorry Chloe. There is nothing I can do" is what the Doctor said.
Unsatisfied, I flew back to the states. Dr. Christine McGinn calls me at home and says "I can fix you!"
I fly to Philly PA and she admits me to the operating room. The surgical table was standing upward and she told me to stand in front of it where I was strapped in.
The doctor looks at me and says "Ready?"
She hits a button and "POOF", I am suited up as Iron Man
I said "WTF! I have to have a penis AND live as Iron Man too??"
That's how I feel... Even though I have transitioned, I'm still expected to be Iron Man. When I try to be myself, i'm ostracized. It's the suit they want... Not the human inside. :(
I had a similar dream but I was Richard Simmons!!!! Noooo!!!!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry if dreams came true, I'd be a millionaire,right now.
ReplyDeleteIf I could give you a Hug I would.. I think that's a huge fear for all of us, but I do feel for you. It hurts not being seen as that person you are.
ReplyDeleteWell don't you all feel too bad. my parents are now separated and my desire to be me is partly used to blame for that.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had my SRS, sometimes I wake up and while I'm still foggy, I know I'm a woman and I have all the right female anatomy but then once I come out of the fog I panic cause I am still in my man body! I hate when that happens, it takes all day to talk myself back to level of sanity.
ReplyDeleteWhat a horrible dream. Luckily I never had a dream like that. T_G that it is just that, a dream and not reality.
ReplyDeleteThat's absurd, Stephanie, and a guilt trip they are laying on you to try and get leverage over you. They took their own vows and if they couldn't stick it out for better or worse, it is NOT your fault. If you want to reverse the same guilt trip mentality back on them, you could tell them if you go to counseling to patch up your lousy marriage, I will be happy to see a gender therapist to discuss my life. (I've seen my therapist for 8 years and she has done me nothing but good).
ReplyDeleteI have dreams like that I think it is your minds way of reprogramming yourself.So I hope all is well you will be fine !
ReplyDeleteI sometimes dream I had yet my GRS to F, but unfortunately my dream has never come true when I wake up in the morning. ...
ReplyDeleteDad left mom over it. Mom had no intention of breaking anything up. Dad picked up his toys and left like a little kid. After many years of telling us Pawloski kids to toughen and grow up. So mom is fine, dad is an ultra hypocrite.
ReplyDeleteI've had that same type of dream, Chloe; probably because SRS was a dream that came true for us; the dream is unsettling, to be sure - I wake up and check, and I am reassured :)
ReplyDeleteChloe: this is an awesome post. The cause of my initial breadown was that I can't be what everyone expects me to be and perform all the duties that I should based on my outer appearance. I was a Fire Fighter, Rope Rescue Team, River Rescue Team, ran 4 miles a day, lifted weights 3 times a week trying to keep up! I was just getting bitter and completely frustrated! Now, the expectations from my family are slowly fading as I go through transition but I fear it will always be there to my loved ones who knew me BEFORE. Good stuff Chloe, thanks for being bold enough to share. :)
ReplyDeleteOne last thought, if your a Christian or not, this is an awesome parallel. In the Bible, Jesus said that a Prophet is without honor in his own town. Even Jesus wasn't respected by his family and those who knew him previously as the carpenter while He was growing up. He had to leave his home town and move on to be seen for who He really is.
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
ReplyDelete~Hugs~ Dreams can be so disturbing, sounds like that was a doozy. For what it's worth there are clearly lots of us who see you as more like Wonder Woman than Iron Man.
ReplyDeleteVery distressing. I have similar dreams sans the Ironman outfit. In my dreams it's as if everything was just tucked up inside and held with stitch or something that pops and everything comes out and I feel defrauded, distraught and helpless. I had hoped these kind of dreams would go away over time, but your story speaks otherwise. At least I don't feel like anyone expects me to be Ironman which makes my life easier, but, at the same time, less significant than yours. You have touched many lives, Chloe, and in doing so have set the bar rather high. Many see you as a super-heroine of sorts. I do sometimes wonder, though, if 'your own' expectations of yourself aren't unfairly high.
ReplyDelete**** HUGS****
ReplyDeleteI had a dream last year that I was finally finally going to get surgery, I was just going under when they realized that my surgeon wasn't in the hospital. After calling around they found out he didn't feel like working that day and went golfing (the bastard !)
ReplyDeleteStephanie, I am sorry your parents laid that one on you. It tends to stick even though people tell you not to let it bother you. I know because my dad to this day blames me for ruining his life. This is what I did to do that: When he was 18 and my mother 17, they had a summer love and my mother got pregnant with ME ! ! All I had to do was be born. Sounds silly on someone else, but on some level it still haunts me.
@Alana - yeah, or during a long run/race event when you have to use a disgusting Port-a-Potty eeeeeuuwwww
ReplyDeleteChloe...love the post. Great thought. Maybe you could get an old pic "him" blown up to life size and paste it on styrofoam and when people give you trouble about that say...talk to the man over there, cuz I can't help you.
ReplyDeleteow, Chloe what a nightmare, sorry you had to endure that, maybe a less physically demanding job would help put you in a role that you don't need an IronMan suit for. IDK really, but I hope things get better.
ReplyDeletehey....you can still be Iron Myn.
ReplyDeleteoh Sweetheart, the heartache that comes from attempting to live up to the unsuitable expectations of others (and ourselves) is what many of us so desperately needed to escape. It hurts me to know that you are still burdened by this--and I can see it plainly in your eyes. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteLeave it to you to have such a vivid and symbolic dream. :) ...Just know that the clouds will part and the rain will clear because the person inside the suit is loved so dear.
Thats a much nicer and better dream than mine.
ReplyDeleteI dreamed my leg hair grew in to a full inch overnight!
Yuchhhhhhh.
:)
"There is nothing I can do" is what the Doctor said.
Be thankful that it was just a dream. The only dream I ever had that came to be real, was the one where I flew to Chonburi. And I willfully made it happen; it didn't materialize on it's own. I'm just sayin'...
ReplyDeleteI dreamed I took the bull by the horns... in my Maidenform Bra.
ReplyDeleteHugs
ReplyDeleteIt's only a dream, its only a dream Chloe,,,
ReplyDeleteClick your heels !!!
You live a wonderful post-op life dearest.
Its not going to reverse.
You are not Ironman and will never be.
You are the sweetest woman eva,,,
( Now get back in that truck girl ! )
:o)
Love you !!!
Chloe to put it Bluntly 'F' the world!!! Be yourself, be happy, be at peace within your soul! There is a great comfort that comes from inner happiness. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is EXACTLY how I feel right now....
ReplyDeleteBeing Iron man isn't a bad gig...just alter the persona a little and be "Iron woman".
ReplyDeletebe true to yourself thats all that matters
ReplyDelete