Getting Pegged for What You Know Too Much About

They say when it rains, it pours. Well in my case, it’s been a hailstorm. Literally. A hailstorm hit our home and another duplex we own and did significant damages. For the past 2 weeks, I have been dealing with insurance companies, contractors and frustrated tenants. It’s been a test of my patience, to say the very least.


I feel stressed out because when I talk to these contractors and adjustors (all men), I feel like there is a fine line between “knowledgeable” and “too knowledgeable” for a woman to know about plumbing a gas water heater, or putting on a new roof, etc.


Now I know that sounds sexist because, well, it is I suppose.. But in my own defense I would dare to say in my dealings and associations with other women, I have found that many (not all) do not know the first thing about trade skills (or have any interest) in things like putting in a water heater or replacing a roof. These are male dominated trades.


When a woman speaks to contractors on the level about these trades, it puts a spotlight on them of curiosity and amusement for some inquisitive men. Having this kind of knowledge can open the door to other discussions and questions. Questions that can lead you right into a position of outing yourself.


The odd thing is, I used to get the same looks from females when I was a male, and I would know TOO much about female things.


These have been difficult challenges to navigate in my new life as a woman, because I have NOT lived my life since birth, that of the average female. I enjoy the work, but by doing it, it reopens my mind to thoughts of things I thought I already had bridged over. I don’t like being thought of as just a Transgender woman. But, that’s exactly what I am being. I can’t be “just a woman.” I lay my hands over my forehead and heart and strain through tears to understand why "any" of that should matter now. I simply do not know.

All that I DO know is, that, it just does.

Courage comes in many forms - this is not one of them.


I have found if I am too assertive or knowledgable, that I am thought of by men as a bitch. How cliche' is that? How many times I have heard a woman say this, and I rolled my eyes... and yet, here I am.  I have to say, its absolutely true.   The funny thing is, I have experienced this attitude from men that KNEW me as a former male.  How am I to interpret that?  They had no problem I transitioned. I guess I am to be validated by getting the boys club treatment?


If I don't assert myself, or reveal all the knowledge I have in a conversation, I feel disingenuine and that I am selling out other females by looking like an incompetent ninny that needs their Daddy to help them pick out and pay for a car.


These feelings were never covered in any of my therapy.  Never.  I never thought that I would one day have to confront a line between being too masculine or too feminine in any one given situation.  "Women" do not have to think about these things, because "Women" were born and raised as women. Everything they do, is without question in their mind, JUST a woman doing it.


As someone that was raised and lived as Male, trying to assimilate into the female world, I am finding that it is impossible for me right now to just "be" a woman, and not be reminded that I am in fact being a "Transgender" woman.  Transgender women have the privilege of knowing how the boys world works and seeing things from that side of the coin.  For me, this has not been something easily channeled into my female energy.  How can I?  You might as well ask me to give birth too.


I have been post-op now for 3 years, living full time nearly 6 years.  In this time, I can tell you, I have learned a lot about myself, life as a female and explored my sexuality.  But, surgery doesn't and didn't make me a woman. Surgery ONLY gave me the body of a female to match my feminine feelings and spirit.


In truth, it takes a life time to enter and live in the female world to grow into a "woman".  Normally, a child goes through all these awkward stages of social grooming into their gender roll, early on in life.  As a transgender woman, I feel like a 6 year old girl right now with the life experience of a 32 year old male.  And that hurts, some days. Other days, its been a blessing to be able to navigate a situation with my "privilege" of my former experience of having lived as a male.  But again, your average woman would not have had that privilege.  So am I a woman? Or am I a Transgender woman with male privilege?  Admittedly, this is deeply troubling.  But why?


I am learning each day to take these experiences and use them to guide myself through this new chapter of life, and channel them into a feminine expression as I feel inspired to do so.  I have let go to a lot that I used to hold true as a former male, because I see the world differently now.  That world affects me, and I can't interact with it anymore the way i used to as a male - even though I have the privilege of experience and skill of a male.  For my life to work now, I have to use what I have, and just be the best "me" I can.  Thats not male.  But its not entirely female either.  That's not to say my feelings aren't feminine - they are.  But my life experience as a male is not something I can change with surgery. It is only something I can use now to help develop my life as a "woman" of my choosing. But what kind of Woman can that be with a male history as a platform to build upon?  I wonder if this is why my mother and sister find it difficult to accept me fully without looking at each-other behind my back rolling their eyes when I say something completely male out of ignorance that any normal female would never say or think.


Looking forward...


Both Rene and I are looking forward to moving this summer.  Rene will be moving close by so we can share the kids 50/50.  This will give both of us, as well as the kids, a chance for a fresh start.  The entire time I have been living as a woman with Rene, I never really felt like I actually transitioned, as much as I was really just cross dressing post-operatively. My eyes began to be awaken to this years ago, but its taken this long to get a divorce, and a plan together.  Rene and I gave it 5 years together. She'd go another 50 years the way things are, but be miserable the entire time.  She wasn't like this when I married her. I can see that my transition broke her trust in me, and her self esteem.  It is my hope that I can give her that back by helping her to have a chance to start over.


As for my kids - they are doing wonderful.  They are looking forward to the move.  They love Lana, and have had a year now to get to know her and become comfortable.  They have told us in their own way, "its time" and they are going to be ok too.


If there is one thing I am grateful for, more than anything, is for the opportunity to raise my children as another woman in their life. Doubly grateful they accept me as just a "Mom".  Tripple grateful to Rene in both helping me to be a good mom, and for validating me in front of the kids of this fact.  The kids know I "seeded" their life as a male, but they have only ever known me as a woman named Chloe and can think of no other term for me except MOM.  What more could you ask for?  I am happy, young, and have plenty of time to figure it all out.  No doubt that I will. Regardless of all the challenges behind and in front of me, at least now, I know which way to turn my sail into the wind towards becoming the "lady" I wish to be.

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Update: April 20th 2011

Diana_W wrote an excellent blog in reference to my blog here, called "Authentic Transition" on her blog "Salad Bingo".  I found it very helpful.  The comments were interesting as well.