Whats New, and Some of the Same Old

Why do we argue over words? This comic made me chuckle when I think about how foolish I have been over worrying about such silly things.

Moving onward.

Theres only 2 months left until my children finish school.  Back in November, Rene and I agreed it was best I stay living in the house after the disillusion of our marriage.  In the effort to rebuild trust and maintain a healthy environment for a fresh start for everyone, I agreed, and stayed to help support her while she sought employment and maintain help with the kids, as well as make sure the kids school year was not interrupted by switching schools.


If you read any part of my Facebook page, or look at my profile in PINKessence, its no secret I have taken up with a new partner (Lana) for a little over a year now.   We are planning on moving in together this summer. That means I will be moving to Columbus Ohio, about 100 miles from where I live now and grew up.  I'm both excited, and scared.  More on that, another time.


I would have loved to move in with Lana a while ago, but to do so, would have been a serious detriment to a fresh start for Rene.  She and I had both lost our jobs, and she (at the time) still had not found one after 2 years of looking.   Staying was the only option if she was to be able to get her life together, and keep the kids at the same time.  I didn't want to move 100 miles away and be away from my kids, or not be able to help Rene with them.


Rene and I have amicably and peacefully decided to share the children with equal custody.  Neither of us are in disagreement when it comes to our children's best interests.  Its nice, because, I have read many horror stories how an ex-spouse of a transsexual will attack or manipulate the the Transsexual through the courts by using their children.


Rene is many things, and has many opinions when it comes to my transition.  But, she has always maintained that the children will never be used in this way.  Nor will she or I allow our extended families to use our kids to manipulate us, either.  Again, I have read of cases where in-laws want to get involved and stir the old sh*t pot because they don't want their grand children around some "tranny freak", "life styler" or any number of other choose your label choice phrases.


I am thankful to Rene that we can have a common ground with the kids. I realize that, what I did, in many ways, betrayed her trust.  At least thats her feelings.  If the tables were turned,  I would like to think I could have (at the time) handled the situation as well as she has, but that would be a lie.  Moving forward, I hope to build a trust with her.  I love her dearly.  Thinking about the day I will come home and not smell her cooking, or see her face - its extremely painful for me at the moment to think to long about.


So why divorce?  Well, it was I who filed for the divorce a while back. No, this was not because I cheated on her or had a new relationship.  Our divorce had been a long time coming.  By the time I had started seeing Lana, the marriage had long been over, and yes, I told Rene about Lana, early on.  I am trying to be sensitive to Rene and my family and have not introduced Lana to them yet as I don't think its proper right now - I don't want Lana to be seen as some home wrecker - shes not.


I Know it wasn't easy for Rene to know that I had moved on.  She still maintains that she loves me dearly, and doesn't wish to let go.  Yet, that is not what her actions say.  Her actions suggested a deep level of shame for what we had become together.  I think anyone that saw the ABC special could see that, except of course, her.  It became too hard to live with myself, knowing I had done this to her.  I felt like a complete coward and wanted to just, run away. Hide...


... other nights I just lay here remember what it felt like to want to die, and wish for death... and then I would think to myself, "I wish I ONLY felt that bad, now".


I am deeply ashamed for how my transition was handled where my wife and family are concerned.  I am not a roll model in this.  Not by any means.  Its easy now for me to sit back and give limited advice in the form of sharing my mistakes.  I was arrogant, and in some cases, not forth coming and deceptive with my true feelings.  I was completely wrong in doing this without her support.  I'm not saying I am wrong for transitioning - just wrong in dragging her through it.  When it was decided that I was to move forward with transition, I did so by giving her a choice of "transition or divorce".  Each time, she would re-draw her line in the sand a little bit further back from its original place, as to allow for room for me to make an adjustment forward.


Looking back, if I could handle this differently, I should not have done this.  I think the best solution for Rene and I should have been counseling.  And when that failed (and it did) we should have went our separate ways at that point, and NOT dragged out the pain and put our children and selves through such awkward and difficult struggles.


This is not to say other married couples can't work it out and do it together.  BUT, married couples need to DO IT TOGETHER.  Not press forward like I did, leaving your wife crying in her pillow each night after slowly giving her soul and sense of self away, bit by bit to maintain her family and children out of lack of other options.


I'm an asshole.  And I find living with that, unbearable. Worse, I felt powerless to do anything about it, without further being an ass.  Until now.


Rene does not identify as a lesbian.  But thats what the world saw us as.  I saw Rene's approach to the world diminish each time she and I would go anywhere publicly together.  The trust she had for me was gone, and with it, was its cousin.  Respect.  It was a challenge to communicate without it breaking down into arguments - usually it would come full circle back to my "choice" to transition.  This of course built resentment from me, and came back out at her as distrust and disrespect too.


We tried everything... There was just too much damage that was done.  I was spending more time sleeping alone in a separate room, than together... She and I never did anything together anymore, and trying to go somewhere together, usually lead to an argument in the car on the way.  In almost every case, my resentment for her not supporting me in my transition could NOT be let go.  In almost every case for her, my transition was something to use as a trump card to arguments.


You take all of this disfunction, and selfishness, and then add the fact that I resented being "still" someones husband?  I just couldn't wrap my mind around that.  I AM A WOMAN!  I AM NOT ANYONES HUSBAND.  Men are husbands.  I am a FEMALE!  Gay people are not legally allowed to marry in my State.  Why do I get a pass on this?  BECAUSE I WAS A MALE WHEN I MARRIED HER!!!  Not because I am a female that gets a loop hole to be married to another woman.  This was unsettling for me as a female, as much as it was for Rene as a heterosexual woman to be now perceived as a lesbian.  It was (for her) a forced pseudo lesbian relationship.  But it was her actions in the relationship that reveled her imprisonment more than her words to the country ever could hide her true feelings.


As for my own discomfort - keep in mind, your talking about someone that flew to the other side of the planet to have their genitals realigned with their correct gender in their mind.  NO MAN would do this. No MAN would ever part with their penis.  No real man would want a vagina.  AND, no real female would want to have a penis, given the choice.


I am a Female.  Not someones husband, son or uncle or Dad.  True, I maintained those roles until I found my own voice in the matter.  Yes, I seeded the life of my children with my male genitalia, but I have raised them since they were 2 years old as a mother full time!  My children ONLY know me as a woman.  Not their mothers husband.  It became UNBEARABLE for all involved to live this way.


I wished Rene and I would have explored this subject and gotten help before we married.  Before we had kids.  I was a coward.


Another thing.... I just couldn't face my Father... my mother, or Rene and tell them, I need to be a woman.


I spent 32 years as a male being called "Faggot" by my own uncles - with a voice that I could never even ONCE pass as a male on the phone. This made it extremely difficult to conduct business, like banking, because no one ever believed I was a male named Ted, even when I tried.  I was beat up and made fun of at school constantly - I was nicknamed Tinker bell in high school, and teased.  I went to school every day in fear of going to the bath room because the boys singled me out as weak, and an easy mark.  I always wore my gym clothes under my regular clothes because I didn't get pubic hair until I was age 19.  And even then, it was minimal.  I felt alone and feared talking to my parents about any of this...  My father was dealing with his own addictions at the time, prostrate cancer, a troubled marriage, and a daughter that just came out of the closet as gay.  The last thing i wanted to do was add to their pile.  How could I...?


I knew then "what" and "how" I felt - but felt it was more important to try and be the legacy my father hoped I would be for our family, going forward in history.  To be "the man" that would make all his life's struggles and his fathers father's wrongs, righted, or forgotten, as I took my place as the man of the family.


I think its interesting how it gets lost by some, that Rene knew I was cross dressing before we married.  And in her words "This was not something that was going to get in the way of our marriage", and "...was something she could live with".

It would be a personal failure to cast blame on Rene solely or to accuse her of "well you should have known better... cause, ya knew SOMETHING was up."  Neither of us really knew where any of this was going... If anything, I was praying it would go away completely.  It didn't.   Possibly to a fault, neither did Rene.


More on all this in coming updates.



In closing, I want to arm you with something to think about when navigating the blogosphere in the Transgender, Transsexual and LGB community.


There are 2 things I look for when I read blogs and comments.  I ask myself, is what this person writing an "Instrument of Education" or a "Weapon Taking Aim"?  It really is that simple.


Think about it.  Then draw your own conclusions.
Peace!