I've been spending a lot of time these past 2 weeks fixing my duplex from the storm damages and the rest of the time with Lana in Westerville where we are working on moving in together – we’ve got remodeling working going on there as well in one of the rooms.
Lana's family has been having some very serious medical issues, and they seem to have all come up at once. Her sister Debbie and her mother had to both go into the hospital at the same time this past week. Lana has been trying to be supportive as she can, and I've been trying to be as supportive as I can to Lana. Sometimes, just "being there" makes all the difference in the world. I hate to see Lana get wore down. She is the Captain of a Fire house and she also has her hands full being a parent and an active member in her church and local community.
Debbie has been in the hospital now for an entire week and they still haven't a clue what is wrong with her. We continue to pray for answers. We brought Debbie some flowers and a card - yesterday Lana painted her nails for her while she laid in bed. I know Debbie really appreciates having the company.
Lana's mother "Ruth" had developed trouble swallowing. At 85 years old, her doctor scheduled her for surgery to have a pocket in her throat fixed that had been catching her food. Needless to say, everyone has been worried about her - and for for me, it's got me thinking about my grandma.
My grandmother "Violet" went in for surgery on her neck. During the procedure, she arrested on the table. The doctors were able to restart her heart, but the anastasia was too much for her body and she never recovered entirely. A few days later, my grandmother passed away on Christmas day, 2005. She was 80 years old. My sister and I stood on each side of her as she slipped away, and the family behind us... it was one of the most painful moments I can remember. Each Christmas day since I find myself being reminded of that moment when I got the phone call to race to the hospital, only to make it just in time to say good-bye. I thank God, for taking her peacefully, and for giving me the chance to be there for her in the end.
I miss you Grandma...
I began transitioning from Ted to Chloe in 2006. My Grandmother never knew the real me. Time and then death separated us from ever embracing as grandmother and granddaughter. If she were a live today, I would like to believe that she would have welcomed me into her home. I am not sure she would have completely accepted or even agreed with my transition. But I believe she would have shown me love, regardless. I believe this to be true because when my sister came out in the early 90's around the age of 23, my grandmother had told me personally at the time, that she didn't agree with my sister’s lifestyle and thought it to be a very tough life to live – regardless, my sister is still her grandchild and she'll continue to love her for "the person" she is and would reserve anything else for God to sort out.
It was this conversation that, as I continued to grow as a woman, I choose to follow her lead and live by her example -- even when it is difficult -- to be there for others, when it matters most.
It is times likes this we cherish the moments in our heart for the great times we have had over the years.
ReplyDeleteJust love you story & can relate on so many levels, I am on a quest to communicate with others that I have left behind from fear or possible assumptions that they might too spread some hate against me like I have experienced from others in the past,.. As I reach out to old friends & family, I am finding that more people are accepting me than I had orginally thought, It's great to have others stand by me no matter what !! Try to keep your head up & the dream alive... Try to remember you will never know what another person is thinking unless he/she tells you. I pray for peace, love & understanding for everyone !!! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI will keep the best wishes in my heart for Lana's Mom and Sister. My Mom is also 85. You have seen her pictures with me, I am very proud of her. Chloe, I am so sorry your Grandmother never knew the real you. I can only hope that now her soul knows your true one. In some good outcome of dementia, my mother no longer remembers what I looked like before. Names, well she has problems with all names! I have been a much better daughter to her than I ever was before! Funny how that worked out! Thank you for the post my friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you Teagan.
ReplyDeleteChloe... Mom says hi and she loves you! :)
I will keep you,Lana and her family in our prayers,hopefully this all will pass quickly.
ReplyDeleteChloe you and are thinking the same things. I have been missing my brothers terribly and my Dad and they just won't see me. It has been such a cost but at the same time such a reward. Hang in there sweetie, you and Lana are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers for you and Lana and your families!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteChloe My prayers and best wishes go out to you, Lana and both your families. May Lana's Mom and Sister recover quickly and fully.
ReplyDelete((((((hugs))))))
Always Patti
Hi, Chloe
ReplyDeleteSo glad to see this post. It seems so hard for many of us to acknowledge that we had happy moments in living in the wrong gender. Many if not most, of us were very successful in our roles within our families. (It goes without saying that we did those roles at huge costs to who we are.) But we did have those great moments and I think that it makes transitioning all that much harder. We figured out how to make those relationships work back then.
Unlike others, I haven't lost any family during my transition. My brother is sitting 8 feet from me, helping me recover from FFS. He drove to MD from GA just to help. But given the experiences I have heard from others and given that each day my transition becomes more successful in burying the old me, I wonder if they will stay with the whole way? But I have totally underestimated their character and the character of my friends previously, so I suspect I may be doing the same as I move along.
Your post shows something important, Chloe. It shows that we may also make other family changes. Divorce is common for most and so part of the problems we face are simply the things most people face, not just TG people. You have become "part" of another family now. While transitioning, many focus on the loses and don't believe that great things can happen again. As proof that they can, I offer that I have had two friends get married in 4 months. New families are being created. And the roles we play in these new families can be just as rewarding despite being different than what we once dreamed our roles would be.
Hugs, Caroline
I know the feeling Chloe and I feel your pain, sis. I have no physical contact with my ex or my natal daughter, and neither has acceptance my transition very well. Most of my relationships from my ex's side are nonexistant now and I wonder if she were to die if I would be welcomed at her viewing and funeral even by my child and step-children.
ReplyDeleteI like your grandmother's viewpoint: some things we have to just let God attend to despite our disagreements, but we should always try to love others: "the merciful will receive mercy".
:-)
Hey Chloe!!! I just wanted to let u kno that this was really sweet about ur Grandma!!! My Nanny is 84 & isn't doin so well, she isn't eating all that well ither. Shes on hospice & I've been taking care of her for 2 yrs now. Ur writing had me in tears and was VERY touching!!! :) I watched ur videos too...Ur a strong person whos been through hell n back & I dont kno how u do it but u did & I look up to u for that!!! Ur an amazingly strong soul & I only wish u the BESTEST in all that u do & persure in Life!!! Thank God 4 Angels like U!!! ;) And I also believe that ur Grandma would have excepted & Loved U as a Grandaughter!!! ♥ Have an Awesome week ahead!!! ~ ♥ Increase the PEACE ♥ ~
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers. I just took Debbie home from the hospital. Let's hope she doesn't have to go back a 4th time.
ReplyDeletePrayers and hugs for both of you (Chloe and Lana)!
ReplyDeleteThank you David and the same for you *hug*
ReplyDeleteVery touching, I lost my son Jason December 11, 1985. He was 4, Chirstmas has never been the same. We donated his Chirstmas presence still wrapped to the 4,6,9 program where he attended school, it was the hardest thing I and my wife ever had to deal with.
ReplyDeleteChloe
ReplyDeleteBittersweet memories for sure, I understand you feelings as my mom disowned me on my 50th birthday by sending me a B-day card saying that she never wanted to see me again and don’t call, don’t write, I no longer have a son(Duh). That was 4 ½ years ago and on December 15th my father died but I was not even told he was mortally ill. I was not called until the day after he died. That broke my heart and I raged and cried and moped and cried for days. My father was an abusive man and I ran away from him at 24 years of age. All though my adult life I tried to get past the issues but never could. I was not the son he wanted.
Despite all of this and much more, I still think fondly of the times that were good in my childhood and as I have explained to my daughter and wife many times(much to their confusion) that I would, at this point not change anything in my life because I am who I am because of the things I experienced and the people I knew. And if I were to go back and change things now Janice would most likely not be in my life and Niki would not have been born.
I wish I were born a girl and I wish that I had transitioned 30 years ago but I did not and I do not regret it because I have been very successful in the world of men. It has been painful and it has been fun and I am glad that I was able to live all of it. Soon it will be time to live the rest of my life as I was meant to be and that too will be a grand adventure. But it looks as if I will do it with just my sister for family and perhaps if I do it all right I will Janice will choose to stay by my side. I am blessed to have a daughter who loves me as all I am.
Namaste, Bobbi.
Chloe first, this is an excellent blog which is a more detailed and personal version of what I Blooged about in "Never Ending" http://pinkessence.com/profiles/blogs/never-ending
ReplyDeleteI concur with Caroline, there is so much I could write about ( as if that would be news!) but the main thing is your relationships seem to bestable and growing.
I suppose if I could summarize, we late transitioners have to learn to become women like any other girl but we are a few years and ( ah hem) decades behind GG women our own age and then there is our past life we must navigate which never goes away all together.
Hugs,
Marsha
You put that very well Chloe. This is something that i have been pondering also. I have many skills and it is a man's world. Being a well skilled and knowledgable female is very out of the norm and like you said, can out you very easily. It is hard to just play dumb like you dont anything, when in fact you can do things quit well. Just because we can do manly things that we learned during our male years does not make us have to act dumb though. It is hard to tell when to use the knowledge , and when to not use it. If it was a perfect world, people would not be questioned because they know to much, but be admired for taking the time and energy to learn how to do things for themselved and being knowledgable. I really like this blog you wrote !!
ReplyDeleteGreat blog Chloe !
ReplyDeleteThis story really hit home with me since I worked as a plumber for 20 some years, and an auto mechanic for 6 years. So yes, now my working knowledge of cars and the construction trade has at times outed me, or at very least gotten me some strange looks.
However fortunately for us ( in a weird way of sorts ) this also happens to GG's who have dared to cross the "man's world " boundaries and chose to work some of the jobs that are often considered to be " man's work ". Prime example, my daughter ( a GG ) chose to work as a carpenter. She did very well at the job framing houses for several years, and even met her husband on the job. She eventually gave up the construction job once she became pregnant and got into the health care field. Though the years of construction did leave her with a good working knowledge around the house. Last year they bought a new prefab house and when it was being set and hooked up she was the one who was able to oversee how things were being done. There were a few tings that she didn't like about how things were being done. So naturally she spoke up and told the crew how she didn't agree with them and gave them her feelings of how it should be done differently. Now of course the guys started treating her like she was some kind of " bitch " ( yea she actually heard it ) when she was simply trying to do things the way they should be done and not let the fools there cut corners.
Unfortunately at times being "a transgender woman" is something that will be with us all forever. I am a grandmother of two children ( girl 6, boy 10 ) from my daughter. The kids are very accepting of me, and always refer to me as Grandma Jenna. However it does get awkward at times since I am unable to share "when I was a little girl' stories with my grand daughter, yet I can share " when I was a little boy " stories with my grand son. The worst part of that is I have a hard time deciding if I should share my life experiences with my grand son or not, since the stories tend to make me feel awkward I'm afraid they are doing the same for my grand son.
So I usually just try to be the best Grandma Jenna I know how to be, giving them the love and guidance they deserve.
Geeze this can be an awkward and confusing path we are on...........