Sometimes, things just "feel good" to write down - but you wouldn't actually say them to anyone. Blogs can be dangerous in this regard. Mine is no exception. Over the years, I've been on both ends of the barrel when it comes to "stepping on and stepped on" family toes. I think I may have mentioned this before, but its been on my mind again, so I want to bring it back up.Being a man, for me, was difficult. But in fairness, it's difficult for ALL men when it comes to not "appearing weak." Admitting that you are NOT a man, is the ultimate white flag of surrender. The worst nightmare of any REAL man is, appearing or making ones self "vulnerable" in a non-masculine way. Men protect themselves at all times from looking non-masculine - but thats what society has trained them to do. Even their mothers, and other women, protect masculinity by ensuring their sons don't paint their toenails pink, or appear feminine in any way. If it weren't a big deal, we'd have skirts and panties for every little boy under the Macy's Day Parade Christmas Tree... but we don't. Why? Read on!
Prior to the year 2005, I was just some guy named Ted from Hartville Ohio, working for the Phone Company, married and the parent to 2 little baby boys. On the surface, I was "the average Joe." You would think having an adorable wife, great job, beautiful children, security and respect, would have been enough for any man... Right? Well, I think you'd be right in most cases. But see, thats where the problem was - I wasn't the average man. I did't know it at the time, but I wasn't even "a man."
*dream sequence flash back*
Growing up, there were 2 people in my family I loved and adored most of all. My mom's bothers... my uncles. I really miss them most. Its been, well, 6 years since I seen or spoke to them... and our last visit together was my grandmothers funeral (their mom)... she died on Christmas day that year. That holiday just hasn't been the same since, for any of us.
I really screwed up when I began all this in 2005... you see, I felt like I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. So, I began this here Blog. The very one your reading now. I started it at the suggestion of a friend in a support group. And when I did start it, my legal name was still Ted. This Blog was for "Chloe"... Chloe was just a raw concept of something I was sorting out from the echos coming from the dark corners of my mind at nights... and during the days, it took the form of Cross Dressing in a spare bedroom which may or may not have include a session of "physical" relief.
Well, thats where I was at with "all this" in 2005.
My Blog was ment to be an online journal for support for these feelings. It was never intended to be found by "Ted's" friends or family. The blog was ment for other Transgender people to help me piece all this together.
One night, someone sent me one of those JOKE chain email letters to "Ted's" email account. Now, I normally do not send or forward these things out, but, this one joke in particular was something I thought I would share with the rest of my family members ONLY. So I copied and pasted the part of the joke into a new email and selected all the people I wanted it to go to, and hit "Send". Only one problem... I forgot that "MS Outlook" had "Chloe's" email set as the default account.
CRAP!
Everyone of my family members just got their first email from "Chloe Prince"
My sister was the first to respond. "Is this you Teddy?"
I panicked. I concocted a REPLY letter that I tried sending back that looked like one of those AUTO Response letters when an Email is undeliverable... lol "...Sorry, we've tried delivering your message -its timed out - we've given up... " lol "Please check the number and try your call again" lol "Sorry, no speaky the Engly"... lol
...My sister was NOT fooled. Niether was anyone else. My blog was quickly found. Eeeek!
That was it - I was out.
Looking back, I see many different ways I could have avoided all this from happening - but the truth is, there was a large part of me that wanted to get caught. I was a coward that just couldn't say the words... that didn't want to face the truth of what I was planning to do.
Getting caught was just easier.
And since everyone was already mad and not talking to me, it made it even easier to just dismiss everyone as unsympathetic, bigots, haters and good old fashion a-holes... While there "may" have been a little bit of truth to "their" short comings, most of it wasn't. The larger part of the truth is, I was a coward.
I just couldn't face the truth and tell my family... "I'm a woman."
I wanted to tell them. Many times throughout my life, I felt like coming forward and trying to say something. The closest I ever got was in 1990. I was 18, and my girlfriend left me. I was feeling depressed and wrote a stupid run-away letter to my parents, confessing the truth that I DIDN'T want to live anymore and that I was not the person they thought I was - that I had been secretly wearing women's clothes for a while...
...that letter I wrote them in 1990, was one of those letters I was talking about at the beginning - the type of thing you write down cause it feels good, but don't intend to follow through with. I had hid the letter away in my room among the usual mess I kept consistant throughout my teenage years. Well, a few days later, I had got to cooling down about lossing my girl friend, and I decided to destroy that letter. However, that day, as (luck?) would have it, when I got home, my mom had cleaned my room! She never cleaned my room!
And the letter? gone... (note to self: Insert smily-icon shitting pants, here)
In 1999, I found out from my sister (9 years later) that my mom had indeed found that letter, and actually held on to it for a while. Coincidently enough, I found out THIS little tid bit from my sister, the same week my other girlfriend Jennifer, of 7 years, left me... I was confessing (again) to my sister that I liked to Cross Dress as the possible reason why she left me. Thats when she told me about Mom finding the Drama Bomb in my bed room all those years ago. Now fast forward to 2011, and if I ask either of them about ANY of this, neither of them remember ANY of it.
And while I'm being honest here: Cross Dressing Wasn't the entire or even the major reason my girlfriend Jennifer left me. My girl friend Jennifer CHEATED on me with 4 different men over the course of 7 years and used my cross dressing as one of her many excuses. That being said, she left me because I was a complete ass (about her cheating on me, that is!) Her cheating on me made me paranoid. I know now I had a low self esteem and stayed with her cause I thought "no one else would ever accept me being a cross dresser." I know from talking to many other Trans-people, this is very common.
You know, come to think of it - I actually had told my mom I liked Cross Dressing on thee day that my girlfriend Jennifer left me. She asked me, standing there in my apartment, "why do you think she left - what was the problem?"
Just as I would later confess to my future wife Rene, I walked my mom into my bedroom of my apartment and showed her my "girl" clothes. I pointed... She said "so, your a cross dresser?"... I nodded, and then wept as I lay my soul naked for the first time out to my mom... I waited for judgement... but nothing more was said. Instead, she said, come on, lets go back to the house for some dinner.
Another time in history that should have thrown up the red flag for my family, was when I was about 15. I had "collected" a stash of women underwear and bras.
Now you may be asking, how did a 15 year old establish an entire collection of "stash"? heh... thats another story altogether!
Anyway, my sister Laura found my stash, and had brought it to my parents attention. When I got home from school, it was sitting on the kitchen counter. A lot of things were racing through my mind at that moment... but admitting the truth wasn't one of them. "Deny it?" I thought... The looks on my mom, dad's and sister's face were priceless. They could see that I was solving the secrets of the universe in a blink of my eyes. lol
My dad was the one to ask the million dollar question... "so, who's are these?" My throat went dry. The best I could come up with was "..a panty raid?"... lol Their stares of inquisitive anticipation turned themselves to each-other as if they were going to check a bingo card to see who had covered THAT excuse square! lol
My mom said, "Then why are some of your sisters things in there?" ...again, I felt the walls pushing in on me as I reach for the highest limb of the "liar liar pants on fire tree"... "the guys were going to play a joke at school - I was elected to hold the stash, and everyone had to put something in the pile."
In my own mind I just hi-fived myself and thought, "GOD DAMN... you really ARE good!"
I'm not sure if they bought it or not, but it sounded good?!?! *shrugs*
They asked me to get rid of them, so I said, "I'll just take them up to the garden and burn them." So I grabbed the pile and put them in a shopping bag. On my way out the door, my mom said, "do be sure to burn ALL of them..." Thats the comment that has left me wondering.. I think she knew "something" was going on. Even back then.
*Back to present day...*
Many in my family were upset when they found out I had been blogging about all this behind their backs. They weren't so much upset that I was turning into a woman (they were), but also because I was putting it all out there for the world to see, along side the same family name we shared.
If I could go back and change something, I'm not sure things would be different between me and other people or family members. But, it would be different in the way I feel about it. I wish I could of had the courage to just talk to my family, before I accidentally outted myself. I can only guess at whether this would have made any difference or not - BUT - I have heard from my mother that some family would have appreciated that, and not had to find out about it on the internet. I agree. I'm sorry too. I just felt so frightened to talk about it. I didn't know where to go or even how to open up about the subject. My Blog was my way of being able to have some place to come and "bleed". In some ways - it still is.
This all being said, that doesn't mean I'm giving everyone a "free pass" on what they said and how they behaved in light of what happened. Somethings said and done to me, were plain horrible. But you have to live with that. The guilt I feel about how I handled the situation, is gone... because I truly AM remorseful for how I mishandled the gravity of the situation. But mostly, for being a coward and never "owning it"... until now. It was just easier to be angry and make excuses... and, I am sorry, for that.
Your probably wondering, "if they were upset with you blogging, why are you still doing it?"
*sigh*
I can't go back and fix the mistakes I made - and I won't apologize anymore for them. I'm done. This blog now serves those who are looking for an example of a human-being... flaws and all ... Sharing my story over the years, has saved my life. It has also empowered many others the same way it empowered me to find a voice when, in that moment, life was testing our courage, and we were leaving foot prints wider than the ones we were following.
"Only one problem... I forgot that "MS Outlook" had "Chloe's" email set as the default account."
ReplyDeleteThe same happened to me but fortunately I was sending an email to a friend who knew about Jenny to tell them about my latest doctors appointment and ask them to pass it on to a few other people who have been supporting me. I hit send and then realised that I'd not sent it from my male account.
I had to follow up with an email to say please don't just forward that on to everyone else who needs to know the latest news.
As I'd not told my friend what name I was going to use once I'd transitioned I'd also outed myself in that respect.
Thanks Chloe, for sharing your life, and for PE. Our situations are all unique, yet I find so many similarities among PE members' lives and experiences. I cross-dressed in the closet for nearly 40 years. I often thought that I was sick, and so I purged, only to buy new lingerie, wig, etc. within the next week. This happened quite often. Then, in 2007 I had a heart attack, which resulted in permanent disability. Being alone at home while my wife was at work gave me wonderful opportunities to practice my favorite pastime. I increased my wardrobe and spent every possible moment dressed as a woman. Last June we moved to a new home, bringing us closer to my wife's work, and giving me a smaller house to take care of.
ReplyDeleteOne day last August I came home from a game of golf to find my wife in my basement office. She had decided to help me with the last bit of unpacking of my office things. Laid out over my desk were an assortment of bras, lingerie, etc. After so many years of being in the closet, I was busted. She was in tears naturally, and wondered what was going on, was she the cause of this, was I seeing someone else, and so on.
After a lengthy discussion, she asked me to seek help and at least speak to my family doctor. I agreed, and immediately set up an appointment. My doctor referred me to a sexologist, where after several visits it was determined that I was gender dysphoric. Thus started the journey that I am on today.
I am seeing a gender therapist, have been on hormone therapy since last September, and have been living as a woman fulltime since December 2010. I consider myself a woman, and a very lucky one at that. My wonderful wife has been supportive beyond belief. She has helped me with wardrobe, make-up, and presentation. We go out together all the time, be it shopping, to restaurants, family gatherings, etc. I have been showered with love, acceptance and respect by all but a very few family members and friends. Except for my voice, which I am working on, I pass very well, and so I am completely stealth. I hope to have GRS within the next 18 months.
Getting busted was the best thing that ever happened to me, for it set me on the right path. I am thankful every day for having my extraordinary wife (as straight as they come) by my side. Thanks to PE for providing inspiration.
Hi Chloe, Thanks for baring your soul again! So many people have exactly the same stories with their parents and sibs, which I do also. The most controversial statement that I made at Fantasia Fair 2009 is: " TG Identity, present at birth, progresses to TV, CD, TG, TS, and TW (Transwoman) or TM (Transman). To me these are different behavioral stages experienced by the same person at different points on the Transgender Continuum of Time." So many people say I was born a Woman and my transition is just for my desire to be congruent, which reflects the thinking of today. But I say you (MtFs) were not born a woman and your behaviors went through all of those stages to become a Transwoman, which for the most part you did prior to GRS to conform to present society's appearance of women. Believe me, if you lived in Samoa where most of the women have facial hair, you wouldn't need Electrolysis. The point I shall try to make again is that we are all Trans-Whatever and this "I'm TS not TG" movement is make-believe.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, we have to "out" ourselves, to educate people. Who we were, is a part of who we are, and the "He" helped the "She" survive, and become a stronger person that we are now...
ReplyDeleteJust imagine having to transition now in the time of Facebook, address book aggregators, and people search's. Yikes. FTR, I had a similar faux pas, but I find it all very funny in retrospect.
ReplyDeleteGeez, Chloe, you aren't perfect? I'll have take you down from the pedestal that I have had you on for all these years!
ReplyDeleteA point you didn't mention: Sharing your story over the years, has saved my life. It has saved others as well. And what you put into motion here is still saving lives.
My blog on telling family could read, "Getting caught was just not easier". I opted to tell through emails, phone calls and in person and I think that is so much better in the long run despite me ending up in the hospital as a result the day I told my 7 siblings. For me - with my siblings and in my situation - that was the method I chose to use. I could on an on about why I think this was a good way but I'll save that for another blog at another time.
Your blogs have always had a special effect on me. I love your honesty. I have tried to copy that incredible aspect of your character in the things I write. I also know that the simple things you shared about everyday life connected with the PINKessence members. Again, I have tried to copy that, too. Of course, my thinking and life is my own, so I putting things out there that are uniquely mine, too. Still I wanted to acknowledge your influence and what you have accomplished.
Every trans-woman I meet gets a recommendation to join here and read the stories and share if they want to. PINKessence is life-giving in my opinion and it wouldn't be where it is today without you being the pioneer you were and the leader you are today. I also appreciate the efforts of others who done similar things in sharing their lives / photos and those who have worked in the background to keep PINKessence functioning.
That was WONDERFUL to read, and it gives me hope I can go through it, I still struggle with it a bit I guess, even tho I know I am a girl, I still work an all that in boy mode, have not been able to make that next step.
ReplyDeleteBlogging has gotten me through some tough times since coming out to family and friends 6 years ago, but for me the real rock has been my wife Tracy, without her, I wouldn't be where I am today.
ReplyDeleteChloe, so much of what you have said is so close to my own story. I think for the most part, all of our stories! Although I never experienced the "oh crap" moment, I do feel the lump that you must have had in your throat and the sinking feeling in your tummy!
ReplyDeleteI regret so many things when it comes to being truthful with my family but it's long past. I struggle with the guilt and may forever. I don't know. But the one thing that I have learned from those earlier years, is that being genuine and honest is the only path to take. The lies have stopped. If I am confronted, I take a deep breath and bare my soul. It is the only way to free yourself and others.
Following you for the past four years has made a great difference in my life and reading your posts has inspired me so much to become the person that I am today. Thank you so much for sharing so much of you with us. You have made a difference Chloe Prince!
Huggs, Val
Thanks Chloe, I think we all have similar story's from our early childhood that we can relate. Perhaps in 50 years there will be no need to hide these feeling. You are an inspiration to everyone on this forum!
ReplyDeleteYou truly are an inspiration, Chloe. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete"...Don't beat yourself up for not being stronger.. In the end, we all wind up where we need to be so why waste time on regret. What really matters are the choices yet to be made and the days we have yet to live." ♥
ReplyDelete"...you lightly swerved into a thought that I have pondered: were these mistakes? Were these coincidences, or some divine dropping of clues to others and ourselves?"
ReplyDeleteBy the way, this confession would be a good excerpt in a book.
Thanks for sharing this Chloe. Great blog with many things that I can relate to.
ReplyDeleteWow,
ReplyDeleteI did not know that when I was growing up that there were other people like me, I thought I was a freak, defective, damaged, I will put my hand up and say yes I had a stash, and so many times purged myself of this stash, and somehow, built up a stash again, purge and buy/stash-purge... I think it was about 10 times in total this cycle, and every time I told myself that this is wrong. I need to man up...
Question: What is to man up?? I have no idea, this was not something I could do..
Looking back over time, there was never a time in my life when I was not at some point in a week when I did not do some form of crossdressing... Wow...
Chloe, I thank you so very much for being so open and allowing us to be a part of your journey, as I guess we are all in some way a part of each others journeys in life...
Thank you, that is awesome. Oh and a I'm stealing a paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautiful. Seriously. Tears came to my eyes from that. ;}
ReplyDeleteYou mused me... inspired words came to me without embellishment, in a diatribe, decently understandable as to how I got bucked out of my sensitive career overseas... "frenemies" and family politics... Clashed result: outed!♥
ReplyDeleteNormalcy is a social illusion maintained by those who are uncommon hiding themselves whether by keeping things inside or simply not going out.
ReplyDeletelol, thank you chloe. great read. i was pretty much "outed" when my mom found many of my things, and have had similar experiences along the way. as always glad to see im not the only one fumbling my way down the path.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your thoughts on this. I often wonder how connected to one another people really are? I bared my soul to my soul mate and years later... its as if it's been forgotten? I find it puzzling but I am too uncomfortable to dredge it up. Things are good, comfortable, why complicate I guess ('cuz not being "out" eats at me like acid, but I digress.)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
Chloe, thanks so much for sharing :-)
ReplyDeleteOops! Did something like that myself years back, but only to one person by accidentally signing my name as Melanie, not a mass mailing. Knew as soon as I hit send. Oh crap! Unsend, Unsend! Everything worked out in the end though.
ReplyDeleteA sweet story from a sweet girl,dear one.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would appreciate you telling me, is how did you hack into my mind from half a world away and lift my entire story and THEN have the courage to do what for decades I didn't have the courage to do: Tell it like it was.
Am I a coward also?
Or did I live in a society that set rigid dogmas and had no tolerance whatsoever for anything that was outside of THEIR norm.
I too, really feel for those who are treading on the path that we did so many years ago and there really is no easier way for them than what we went through.
And that is the sad part.
We can at least feel "better" that we have done some small things, in our own way, to make that path easier for those who follow.
Fortunately,the barriers are ever so slowly breaking down, easier in some places where being judgmental is not an occupation.
The accident of birthplace seems to empower many to falsely believe theirs is a right of control over others, who merely migrated later than those others forebears.
We are all descended from immigrants and no-one person is anything more than the custodian of the land, never it's owner
I doubt we will ever absolve ourselves of that guilt that pervaded our very being for so long.
All we can really expect of ourselves, is that we don't play a blame game, that we accept ourselves, warts and all and live our lives the best way we can.
There is one thing I am sure you also feel, dear one, and that is that today, we actually like ourselves and for all our efforts over the years to put that extra effort , even to over-compensating so often, to make up for our own shortcomings and self-loathing that manifested itself in so many ugly ways, we now KNOW we can be an openly loving female in expressing our feelings.
I think often, that given another time, I could have contented myself as a tribal member, a third-gender woman, who would have contented herself with being a productive family member.
I could never do that as a male, it is only something I can do as a female.
One of life's little twists.
And, I am not a coward, as you are not, society steered us down that path and it took a lot of stumbling around in the dark to find our "rightful" path.
Perhaps that's why we carry the beacon so high today.
OMG! I have been through much of what you wrote about! It was so great to read about someone else's experiences and to know you were not alone!
ReplyDeletechloe,
ReplyDeletethis was a wonderful post. i was caught about a year ago when my wife at the time found a couple items. i also tried to come up with the best sounding story that i could but had to come clean. she was the only one that ever caught me...no one else knew or suspected anything.
the past year has been a year of self discovery. i've begun to tell my family about everything about how i've felt throughout my life and that i want to begin to transition. i'm trying to take myself from the creation online to reality...slowly.
thank you so much for putting yourself out there like this. it really helps all of us coming behind you now.