Hollywood and The Gravity of Authenticity

Coming home...

If you’ve ever closed down an amusement park -pitching your best ring-toss game- and still went home without that big pink plush bunny for your kids, then you’d know exactly how I’m feeling right about now – a winner that ran out of time because the park closed… 

...I hate leaving empty handed. 

But did I?

Maybe its not what we take away, but what we leave behind, that matters – in this recent trip to Hollywood to see networks, a good impression, might just mean a season of shooting for LA LA Land. It might also have been another lesson in tough love on the road to finding my true self...

If you're preparing for the same journey, feel free to borrow my bottle - I've made plenty... 

For those of you that haven’t a clue about what I am talking about, bear with me and I’ll do my best to humbly connect the dots and illustrate the events of my life over the past year.

I’m here at LAX in route back to Ohio. I’ve spent the last week visiting TV networks with RelativityREAL, a production company that has contractually signed me to a deal to do a Television project with them. Who is RelativityREAL? 

Have ya ever heard of Extreme Make Over: Home Edition?  Nuff said.

Pitching networks was interesting – not so much because of the process of selling the “concept,” -it was cool- but having spent years being a sales person for different businesses, selling multi-million dollar networks and software licensing to fortune 50 companies; lets just say, it takes a lot for me to break a sweat… but, pitching networks? Well… it had me feeling like a kid sitting outside the principals office, singled out as the ring leader whom the teachers fear may be “spiking the fruit punch” with my Tranny cooties.

My mission: Convince them spiking the cool-aid could be fun ;)

The interesting part of pitching (for me), was, the unexpected bleeding process of opening up and laying my soul out naked to these people (over and over again), and then waiting for the crystallization of all eyes in the room to arrive at critical mass of “AhhhhHHH HA!”

Interesting also because, each pitch, was unexpectedly unique – which, to be honest, I had prepared and brought a canned presentation on my laptop. Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans… I decided to just go with the flow – I’m so glad I did.

As I recounted “my story” each time, it kept bringing me back into realms of complex situations that still have no “box” to fit into; expired prescriptions for wounds on the mend, and, relationships I still haven’t found closure for, or are currently looking to find footing in, or back into.  

Turns out, in many ways, what I thought was “a fix,” was in reality, a Band-Aid on scares that have yet to heal. And that’s what really has me coming down out of the pink cloud on my way back to Ohio today…

…the gravity of Authenticity.

Taking inventory over my life in the coming year, I plan to examine this, and make some drastic changes, that probably should have been done, along time ago. I can’t take on a project like this, without being completely honest with myself, and forth coming with others.

Its not that I “lie.” I think I’ve just been in denial about something’s, and selfish in other areas – either not wanting to give up “privilege” or afraid of living life without a net in the real world, as a woman, because honestly, I’m still trying to figure out where my place is and who I am.

The “lie” is actually “me” trying to convince myself that what I am doing, is ok… and what I have been doing is running from what it truly means to be a woman, because I have not accepted that others accept me… and I realize, I am still in a place where I am looking for acceptance – and if I can’t get it, I run to a place I can create it, instead of working towards it… escaping back into my privilege of Ted’s old world. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Now it makes sense…

…I’ve been haunted by something Rene once texted me… I wrote her… “why do I feel like I want to run away when I am with you, then feel so bad when I’m away from you?”

Her reply?

“Because. You know what your doing, is wrong.”

She was right - what I had been doing… is trying to escape from a very selfish feeling. Easier to escape, and blame it on a cold war that could never be won because it had no name, then to own up to the fact I’m the only one with swords drawn.

You see, in many ways, Rene has been a safety blanket from having to fully adjust and “be” a woman all of my own - and just like BEFORE my transition, I’m starting to resent her for something that is not even her fault: being a woman in my life. 

Notice I said a woman “all of my own” and not “on my own.” 

There’s a big difference there. And that’s where I think I got confused… escaping – a natural feeling I think that comes when we are scared.

But why do I feel this way towards Rene? 

I think its because she reminds me that I am not stepping up - and there are a few reasons for that. I used to convince myself I was fearful of overshadowing her place in the marriage as “the wife” and as the “mother” to our children… but those were just convenient excuses of a chicken shit cross dressing husband.

The truth is… being Ted was just easier.

I said “easier”, not better - not worse.

You see, “Chloe” has benefited from the fruits of Ted’s life – but now, she must start over… and there is a lot of gravity in that statement… and I’ve been scared to accept that. I think that’s why I allowed “Ted’s” life to come crumbling down around me, “Chloe.”

I stood by and did nothing as the equities of Ted’s life vanished. No one else was doing anything to stop it either – I think that is because their hope was that the rubble that is his commitments and responsibilities would crush Chloe back into Ted. But then again, that might be me (Chloe) looking for an excuse to be “ok” with what’s happened… and I’m not ok – it was my fault, and I need to own that.

Resentment sucks…

…I’m sorry Rene.

Question now is, how do I fix this?

But I digress…

Your probably wondering, how did the meetings go?

Well, its funny - when you put your best foot forward – when you give something all you’ve got… and that “something” is you?

For me, this was the pitch of my lifetime. I’ve always been someone to close the deal in the room… but not this time – and I’m learning “that’s ok.” Because, that’s not how this town works.  The good news? 

We “brought it.”

Not everyone gets the chance to have Box Seats at the Kentucky Derby that is Hollywood - let alone ride in it. Well, I not only rode in that race, I rode the horse with a track record of being a winner, time and time again. Pictured (left to right) Julie Link, Senior VP of Relativity, me, Tom Forman, President of Relativity, and Adriane Hopper, President of En Light Productions whom is in co-production with this project.

RelativityReal is one of the largest unscripted television production companies in Hollywood. More importantly - Tom, Julie, Adriane, and a whole team of people consisting of lawyers and agents believe in me, and the project, and have put their name and passion behind it. If it’s going to happen – this is the dream team that will make it happen.

The actual pitch meetings were photo finishes, leaving the networks deliberating if the legs on this horse can be another one of their prized show ponies.

…It’s in God’s hands now.

After the meetings --and then too later resting back at the suite-- I started to think about the possibilities and challenges this project will present on my life.  I have no doubt the usual suspects with their usual Bee-Sting attacks, will launch their literary nukes at me, the way they did Chaz Bono.

Surprisingly, some of the nastiest ones that came at me after the ABC Primetime special my family was in,  came right from within our own Trans community.  Jealousy takes many forms, – and “sorry”, but I have chosen to Opt-Out and rise above all the critics, haters, and armchair keyboard activist arguing over umbrella term politics and religious views on all things Trans. These people are irrelevant, and will be completely ignored, as I will not allow myself to become part of anyone’s agenda – good, or bad. Its like, everyone needs me to be something, for them – some need to demonize me – some need to adopt me. Stop that.

People: My story is my own – stop trying to co-opt me into some reservation, that brings balance to your needs. You’re you. I’m me… and then there’s that space in between. Think about it.

Anyway… about the project…

Well, all’s I’m aloud to say right now is, this project will be transformative in many ways -For a TV network because there is nothing like it, especially the way RelativityReal is planning on bring it in to focus - Its genius! Transformative because, it bridges over that confounding gap between men and women. ….and transformative in the way we think about love, relationships and parenting that will transcend and speak to everyone. Its also ground breaking in concept how it will parachute into the lives of others and ultimately transform them and the audience too, in the way we perceive and understand one another.

Wish us luck…

More meetings to come, I’m sure.

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