For example, when I first began my transitional journey, I told myself [and my wife] that I just wanted to wear panties and a bra because I needed to and promised to never need to wear a skirt or makeup.
As time went on, my needs changed. BUT, at the time, this WAS my only needs.So, on the surface, it looked like I lied to myself [and to my wife] but the reality here is I didn’t know that I would grow beyond that need.
Now my wife thinks I am a liar reneging on our deal that "it" would remain there.
As you travel down the line of transition, there are few mile markers - and even less signals or instruction.
Trans demarcations are "station points" we as Transgenders change which train of reality and truth we are traveling on. When we make a discovery, we are forever changed in the matter or view, and cannot go backward down the line. We can only keep moving forward.
Whether you cross one of these demarcation points in your mind --or a personal growth within your life or transition-- it’s important to point these demarcations out to those around you, as they happen.
For non-Transgender people dealing with someone that is, its best to prepare yourself. The Transgender person is revolutionizing and redefining themselves, right before your eyes, each day. One day they may like vanilla, the next chocolate... maybe both? maybe.. none?
Personally for myself, it was my head strong goal to align my "body" through surgery --to appear that of a genetic born female-- and to be accepted and loved in that capacity, and to reciprocate that in return, with someone who desires me as such.
It took me many years to be able to admit that. Complete honesty, is true freedom.
I have been called a man living out his "choice" or a fetish fantasy, by some - even by other [anonymous?] Transsexuals in fact!
I'm not worried about a few bitter old cowards, ugly with resentment for what they see in the mirror.The truth is, transition is not a full time fetish - its simply, a medical treatment. Does anyone ever really want to transition? The question implies that its a choice. Let me be very clear - Transition is not a choice – it's self preservation, and the medical process is natural for a anyone diagnosed as transsexual, and approved by the American Medical Association, the same as it would be for someone with a birth defect being treated by surgery, medicine or therapy.
So no - transition is not a fantasy brought to life through techno-color Hollywood magic.Transition is a rebirth. Have you ever witnessed a baby born? Did it come out all happy and pretty? NOoooooo, its bloody, crying, and it can not open its eyes and see anything for a period of time until they adjust to their new surroundings... oh, and they wear diapers: not a fetish either.
The same is true for a Transsexual in transition!
(Diapers? optional. Fetish ? ok, yes... but only if you count Depends©) lolSeriously, how can you put expectations on someone that they themselves can not even know “what” or “how” they will feel with each and every hormone pill they swallow?
My wife once asked me “Are you gay?” I said “no, I don’t like men.”
At the time I said that, I was uneducated and also not very far along the journey. The fact is… I DO like men - straight ones that want a straight woman.So, does this make me Gay? No. It would have made "Ted" gay, if indeed he liked men - he didn't.
But at the time I answered my wife on the "are you gay" question, I had not reached the demarcation point of my sexual frontier as a female. So, in fact, it was still “Ted” answering her in saying, “No, I don’t like men.”
So now, I [Chloe] look like a liar or someone that was deceptive about being a homosexual as a man.I asked Rene "Are you gay? I mean, you love me, right? Whats that make you?... more importantly, Whats that make us?"
...I'm still waiting on that answer.
Chloe,
ReplyDeleteThis posting is in conjunction with another one you wrote, entitled, "My Sexual Orientation: I Am What I Am”.
These two essays touched me deeply. I was at a loss for words to describe how I felt on reading your words.
These two postings identify two fears that affect me most as I start down this path toward transition. Those are family, in particular my wife, and my sexual orientation.
On family, you relate the pain you feel and the reactions of your wife who loved and married you as 'Ted'. This hurt is one of the primary things that has kept me from admitting to myself who I really am at heart. I am a woman, but to tell this to my wife will hurt her and I fear not for safety sake but because I love her deeply and would do anything not to hurt her. Anything that is, but give up who I am and who I intend to become. You have crossed that bridge, but I am still making preparations for that moment when I tell my beloved who I am. From that point there will be no ability to undo it once it is done. I am hoping she will accept me and we can continue together, but that is a decision I will let her make as she alone can decide our future together.
This brings me to the second point, sexual orientation. As 'JR' I am very much a heterosexual male. I love women, especially my wife. I am not interested in men. I have not yet begun HRT.
Once I achieve a full MTF transition I want to maintain my relationship with my wife. That would make me a lesbian. It also forces the decision upon her whether she can function as a lesbian or as a bisexual. Obviously this is not the choice she has made for herself up to now but which she will be forced into making if we remain together.
I have expressed to my therapist that sometime after I have completed my MTF transition I would like to experience being made love to by a man at least once so that I may experience love from a woman's perspective. Because of this sentiment I will be bisexual after transitioning.
Chloe, you have been on HRT for a period now. According to my therapist, it is very common for HRT to affect our sexual preferences and our sex drive. There is an aspect to hormones that indeed changes our emotions and perspective. Sexual preference is one of those things that can be affected, so I do not believe you are alone in your feelings and desires. Similarly, I have been warned that with HRT I may very well experience a more active sexual desire resulting from the infusion of hormones. Because the hormones affecting you are female hormones it can be expected that your sexual preferences might shift from wanting female companionship to the desire for a male partner. After all, between the hormones and the GRS you will be a woman. You may not have a choice in this, and it is possible none of us will have that choice as we may very well be driven by nature and perhaps less by logic.
My therapist advised me that for most the transition from MTF, or FTM, is not easy. In fact, she says it is usually very difficult and I need to be sure of my decision before going forward. For me, I have made that decision to follow this path. For you, Chloe, you have likewise chosen. It may not be easy and at times it may be emotionally challenging, but perhaps for you the worst is over.
I wish you and all of my sisters good luck on this journey.
To quote you Chloe...
ReplyDeleteMy wife once asked me “Are you gay?” I said “no, I don’t like men.”
At the time I said that, I was uneducated and also not very far along the journey. The fact is… I DO like men - straight ones that want a straight woman.
So, does this make me Gay? No. It would have made "Ted" gay, if indeed he liked men - he didn't.
But at the time I answered my wife on the "are you gay" question, I had not reached the demarcation point of my sexual frontier as a female. So, in fact, it was still “Ted” answering her in saying, “No, I don’t like men.”
I had the same conversation with my wife in 1999. We struggled for a couple of years, but in the end, everything fell apart. After which, with help from my therapist, I began hormone therapy, then transition, and eventually, I too reached the same basic result, as a woman, I'd like to establish a heterosexual relationship with a straight man.
Funny, how so many of us have virtually, the same basic experiences.
Chloe...You're exactly right about there being demarcation points along the way. I feel I keep drawing that line in the sand with myself. I'll go here and no further, here's the next line that won't be crossed, I'm going to stop here...then here...then here.
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself there is another path and there is a choice but find that I keep moving forward along that path of transitioning. It may be very slow and methodical at times but it's still moving forward. Part of me wants to hit the breaks completely, part of me wants to hit the accelerator and go full speed...as a whole, I'm scared to do either. I don't want to be stuck in this state of limbo that I feel most times yet I don't know what the future will hold if I do transition.
I suppose it gets easier as there is more progress forward.
I always have believed that agreements are always subject to change when new information is forthcoming but it does carry with it the responsibility to not only change the agreement as soon the new information presents itself but cleaning up any messes that will result because of the change. As a woman, I am beginning to think that this way of thinking is why we find ourselves able to change our minds so much easier than men seem to be able to do. LOL!
ReplyDelete