Its Complicated

If your not transgender, lesbian, gay or someone that gets thrown into the catch-all bin of being labeled a "life styler," then you may be shocked to know what some people you have the utmost respect, love and devotion for might say to you, when the illusion of being "normal" is removed.

Imagine going to work, or church --maybe the salon-- or even family functions, and instead of the usual conversations one would expect --hows the kids, hows the job, hows your mother-- you're asked in front of your friends, family, co-workers or even your children "so, do you like men now?" 

When you're a person of Transsexual experience, you become fair-game. All the normal social filters most people have when engaging someone in a conversation are seen as completely unnecessary when someone spills the "T"...

"oh, your trans - cool. Soooo, do you have periods, or what?"

[...and you thought the worst thing about family reunions was getting a big old wet kiss on the lips from Aunt Bunny!] 

What is still difficult for me to sort out in social situations, is when you're being treated like a woman, and when your being treated like a Transsexual.

Having lived 32 years presenting as a young handsome white heterosexual male, had its privileges.

The "adjustment" in transitioning from male to female, is learning to gauge social situations without having any former "female" experiences or privilege to compare from.

How can one learn and adjust to this, if they are not seen as "just" a woman... but rather, something "other than" a woman?

Thats my dilemma as a woman who's transgender history is public knowledge. As a result of that, I've become my own worst critic.

Over the past 6 years, I have developed an atitude that "if I know" that even one person in the room knows I'm Trans, then the safe bet is, they all know. Being an "Out" Trans person, I am guilty running everything I see and hear, through my Transgender-filters, which can have me self defeating myself in social situations, before they can even begin.

While in California, waiting for a meeting with network executives, I was running into a Starbucks to get some change for the parking meter, when a nice handsome man jumped out of his chair to hold the door for me. He said, "Something compelled me to come over and talk to you - your energy is amazing, and you have a lovely smile. May I buy you Coffee?" 

I said, "thats nice - but I'm just here to get some change for the meter.."  He dug into his pocket and said, "here... take what you need... coffee??" After talking to him a bit, I found out he is a terrific guy.

Meeting men, is not a problem for me --or women-- and interestingly enough, I get more offeres now from women, than I ever did as a man. Hot women. Young Women. Straight, Gay... you name it.

But, do they like me? or the exotic flavor of my trans nature?

The guy at Starbucks had no clue. But lets just say I decided to take his bait, and see where things go. In this digital age [and being Chloe Prince - public Transsexual] chances are, he'll know who I am before he's done paying for the coffee... then what?

What if the guy from Starbucks doesn't care, but his family, friends and people he works with, do care? Would we as a couple dating be forced into another closet?

What if he didn't Google me, and we went out on a date, but then he later found out - What if he felt tricked? He could be extremely hurt and distrustful of Trans people in the future - or even violent.

The "how", "when", and for "what reasons" I tell someone of my past, is something I still wrestle with, with each person I meet... its incredibly complex.

It is easy to understand now why many Transgender people will find comfort in settling into relationships with each-other - a subject that has very few references or exposure to gleam from for examples or advice.

I personally have been attracted to Female-to-Male, and Male-to-Female Trans people in various stages of transition, --not because of their gender-- but for the security of being in safe harbor in the dating pool together, rather than having to deal with the complex nature of dating non-transgender people. 

I wonder sometimes if this is why some men and women enter into what could appear as homosexual relationships, but really, are not sexual at all? Rather, they love one another, for the "person" they are, and not in a sexual way.

This reminds me of a time when I resented my wife Rene in the worse way, because she refused to identify herself as a lesbian.

I felt that if Rene didn't identify as lesbian [but STILL wanted to remain in a mariage together] then by default, that made me STILL the husband in the relationship - and not "just" a woman who happens to love her spouse.  

This was a deal breaker for me. I was so uncomfortable and hurt after 5 years of trying to settle for living in her shadow as the "husband that transitioned," that in November of 2010, I filed for divorce to free myself and finally live completely as a woman and mother of my own right.

We have remained supportive of one another , and for now, still  live together, but are working towards moving on.

Rene shares her feelings in this letter, on the way she views our relationship now...

How can I still have a relationship with a person who is no longer my husband, but a woman? It’s easy when you still love the same heart and soul.  

No, I’m not gay. I don’t have that physical desire. I’m just continuing on. 

Years ago, when Chloe had a “date” with a male, it was interesting to hear how she felt. She really enjoyed the balance and protective feeling that a man can offer - and, as a woman, she could now appreciate what she took away from me, Ted's wife.  

I know Chloe is very attractive and does cause attention with her shape and stature. Men like voluptuous women. But it doesn’t bother me when she gets more attention.

Once, at a family picnic, there was a man there whom spent some time trying to talk with Chloe. It didn’t bother me at all. I’m glad for her and glad that she is an attractive woman. We are two completely different people and I am not in competition with her. I think it would be awesome if there was some wonderful man that would sweep her off of her feet.

But then again, I really would like our family to stay together because I do still love and care about her. 

God knows what we need, and I have faith He will sort it out.

For me, Rene will always be Ted's wife, in my heart... and that is why I take care of her - protect her and love and support her, even if it means one day, having to let her go. We are both open to dating and seeing others... but for now, our Facebook Relationship Status remains

Its complicated

Hollywood and The Gravity of Authenticity

Coming home...

If you’ve ever closed down an amusement park -pitching your best ring-toss game- and still went home without that big pink plush bunny for your kids, then you’d know exactly how I’m feeling right about now – a winner that ran out of time because the park closed… 

...I hate leaving empty handed. 

But did I?

Maybe its not what we take away, but what we leave behind, that matters – in this recent trip to Hollywood to see networks, a good impression, might just mean a season of shooting for LA LA Land. It might also have been another lesson in tough love on the road to finding my true self...

If you're preparing for the same journey, feel free to borrow my bottle - I've made plenty... 

For those of you that haven’t a clue about what I am talking about, bear with me and I’ll do my best to humbly connect the dots and illustrate the events of my life over the past year.

I’m here at LAX in route back to Ohio. I’ve spent the last week visiting TV networks with RelativityREAL, a production company that has contractually signed me to a deal to do a Television project with them. Who is RelativityREAL? 

Have ya ever heard of Extreme Make Over: Home Edition?  Nuff said.

Pitching networks was interesting – not so much because of the process of selling the “concept,” -it was cool- but having spent years being a sales person for different businesses, selling multi-million dollar networks and software licensing to fortune 50 companies; lets just say, it takes a lot for me to break a sweat… but, pitching networks? Well… it had me feeling like a kid sitting outside the principals office, singled out as the ring leader whom the teachers fear may be “spiking the fruit punch” with my Tranny cooties.

My mission: Convince them spiking the cool-aid could be fun ;)

The interesting part of pitching (for me), was, the unexpected bleeding process of opening up and laying my soul out naked to these people (over and over again), and then waiting for the crystallization of all eyes in the room to arrive at critical mass of “AhhhhHHH HA!”

Interesting also because, each pitch, was unexpectedly unique – which, to be honest, I had prepared and brought a canned presentation on my laptop. Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans… I decided to just go with the flow – I’m so glad I did.

As I recounted “my story” each time, it kept bringing me back into realms of complex situations that still have no “box” to fit into; expired prescriptions for wounds on the mend, and, relationships I still haven’t found closure for, or are currently looking to find footing in, or back into.  

Turns out, in many ways, what I thought was “a fix,” was in reality, a Band-Aid on scares that have yet to heal. And that’s what really has me coming down out of the pink cloud on my way back to Ohio today…

…the gravity of Authenticity.

Taking inventory over my life in the coming year, I plan to examine this, and make some drastic changes, that probably should have been done, along time ago. I can’t take on a project like this, without being completely honest with myself, and forth coming with others.

Its not that I “lie.” I think I’ve just been in denial about something’s, and selfish in other areas – either not wanting to give up “privilege” or afraid of living life without a net in the real world, as a woman, because honestly, I’m still trying to figure out where my place is and who I am.

The “lie” is actually “me” trying to convince myself that what I am doing, is ok… and what I have been doing is running from what it truly means to be a woman, because I have not accepted that others accept me… and I realize, I am still in a place where I am looking for acceptance – and if I can’t get it, I run to a place I can create it, instead of working towards it… escaping back into my privilege of Ted’s old world. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Now it makes sense…

…I’ve been haunted by something Rene once texted me… I wrote her… “why do I feel like I want to run away when I am with you, then feel so bad when I’m away from you?”

Her reply?

“Because. You know what your doing, is wrong.”

She was right - what I had been doing… is trying to escape from a very selfish feeling. Easier to escape, and blame it on a cold war that could never be won because it had no name, then to own up to the fact I’m the only one with swords drawn.

You see, in many ways, Rene has been a safety blanket from having to fully adjust and “be” a woman all of my own - and just like BEFORE my transition, I’m starting to resent her for something that is not even her fault: being a woman in my life. 

Notice I said a woman “all of my own” and not “on my own.” 

There’s a big difference there. And that’s where I think I got confused… escaping – a natural feeling I think that comes when we are scared.

But why do I feel this way towards Rene? 

I think its because she reminds me that I am not stepping up - and there are a few reasons for that. I used to convince myself I was fearful of overshadowing her place in the marriage as “the wife” and as the “mother” to our children… but those were just convenient excuses of a chicken shit cross dressing husband.

The truth is… being Ted was just easier.

I said “easier”, not better - not worse.

You see, “Chloe” has benefited from the fruits of Ted’s life – but now, she must start over… and there is a lot of gravity in that statement… and I’ve been scared to accept that. I think that’s why I allowed “Ted’s” life to come crumbling down around me, “Chloe.”

I stood by and did nothing as the equities of Ted’s life vanished. No one else was doing anything to stop it either – I think that is because their hope was that the rubble that is his commitments and responsibilities would crush Chloe back into Ted. But then again, that might be me (Chloe) looking for an excuse to be “ok” with what’s happened… and I’m not ok – it was my fault, and I need to own that.

Resentment sucks…

…I’m sorry Rene.

Question now is, how do I fix this?

But I digress…

Your probably wondering, how did the meetings go?

Well, its funny - when you put your best foot forward – when you give something all you’ve got… and that “something” is you?

For me, this was the pitch of my lifetime. I’ve always been someone to close the deal in the room… but not this time – and I’m learning “that’s ok.” Because, that’s not how this town works.  The good news? 

We “brought it.”

Not everyone gets the chance to have Box Seats at the Kentucky Derby that is Hollywood - let alone ride in it. Well, I not only rode in that race, I rode the horse with a track record of being a winner, time and time again. Pictured (left to right) Julie Link, Senior VP of Relativity, me, Tom Forman, President of Relativity, and Adriane Hopper, President of En Light Productions whom is in co-production with this project.

RelativityReal is one of the largest unscripted television production companies in Hollywood. More importantly - Tom, Julie, Adriane, and a whole team of people consisting of lawyers and agents believe in me, and the project, and have put their name and passion behind it. If it’s going to happen – this is the dream team that will make it happen.

The actual pitch meetings were photo finishes, leaving the networks deliberating if the legs on this horse can be another one of their prized show ponies.

…It’s in God’s hands now.

After the meetings --and then too later resting back at the suite-- I started to think about the possibilities and challenges this project will present on my life.  I have no doubt the usual suspects with their usual Bee-Sting attacks, will launch their literary nukes at me, the way they did Chaz Bono.

Surprisingly, some of the nastiest ones that came at me after the ABC Primetime special my family was in,  came right from within our own Trans community.  Jealousy takes many forms, – and “sorry”, but I have chosen to Opt-Out and rise above all the critics, haters, and armchair keyboard activist arguing over umbrella term politics and religious views on all things Trans. These people are irrelevant, and will be completely ignored, as I will not allow myself to become part of anyone’s agenda – good, or bad. Its like, everyone needs me to be something, for them – some need to demonize me – some need to adopt me. Stop that.

People: My story is my own – stop trying to co-opt me into some reservation, that brings balance to your needs. You’re you. I’m me… and then there’s that space in between. Think about it.

Anyway… about the project…

Well, all’s I’m aloud to say right now is, this project will be transformative in many ways -For a TV network because there is nothing like it, especially the way RelativityReal is planning on bring it in to focus - Its genius! Transformative because, it bridges over that confounding gap between men and women. ….and transformative in the way we think about love, relationships and parenting that will transcend and speak to everyone. Its also ground breaking in concept how it will parachute into the lives of others and ultimately transform them and the audience too, in the way we perceive and understand one another.

Wish us luck…

More meetings to come, I’m sure.

 ---SUBSCRIBE and FOLLOW Chloe's Blog HERE---

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TransStation Demarcation - Reloaded

Transgender people often find themselves having to face making a series of re-evaluations or "concessions" to commitments, truths and even values they once accepted as absolute.

Its important to note that Transgender people seek "authenticity" --to find and "be" their most truest self-- and along the way, [to an outsider or someone involved with a Transgender person] they could easily mistake these concessions and re-evaluations as being former deceptions, or lies.

For example, when I first began my transitional journey, I told myself [and my wife] that I just wanted to wear panties and a bra because I needed to and promised to never need to wear a skirt or makeup. 

As time went on, my needs changed. BUT, at the time, this WAS my only needs.

So, on the surface, it looked like I lied to myself [and to my wife] but the reality here is I didn’t know that I would grow beyond that need.

Now my wife thinks I am a liar reneging on our deal that "it" would remain there.

As you travel down the line of transition, there are few mile markers - and even less signals or instruction.

Trans demarcations are "station points" we as Transgenders change which train of reality and truth we are traveling on. When we make a discovery, we are forever changed in the matter or view, and cannot go backward down the line. We can only keep moving forward.

Whether you cross one of these demarcation points in your mind --or a personal growth within your life or transition-- it’s important to point these demarcations out to those around you, as they happen.


For non-Transgender people dealing with someone that is, its best to prepare yourself. The Transgender person is revolutionizing and redefining themselves, right before your eyes, each day. One day they may like vanilla, the next chocolate... maybe both? maybe.. none?


Personally for myself, it was my head strong goal to align my "body" through surgery --to appear that of a genetic born female-- and to be accepted and loved in that capacity, and to reciprocate that in return, with someone who desires me as such.

It took me many years to be able to admit that. Complete honesty, is true freedom.

I have been called a man living out his "choice" or a fetish fantasy, by some - even by other [anonymous?] Transsexuals in fact!

I'm not worried about a few bitter old cowards, ugly with resentment for what they see in the mirror.  

The truth is, transition is not a full time fetish - its simply, a medical treatment. Does anyone ever really want to transition? The question implies that its a choice. Let me be very clear - Transition is not a choice – it's self preservation, and the medical process is natural for a anyone diagnosed as transsexual, and approved by the American Medical Association, the same as it would be for someone with a birth defect being treated by surgery, medicine or therapy.

So no - transition is not a fantasy brought to life through techno-color Hollywood magic.

Transition is a rebirth. Have you ever witnessed a baby born? Did it come out all happy and pretty? NOoooooo, its bloody, crying, and it can not open its eyes and see anything for a period of time until they adjust to their new surroundings... oh, and they wear diapers: not a fetish either.

The same is true for a Transsexual in transition!

(Diapers? optional. Fetish ? ok, yes... but only if you count Depends©) lol

Seriously, how can you put expectations on someone that they themselves can not even know “what” or “how” they will feel with each and every hormone pill they swallow?


My wife once asked me “Are you gay?” I said “no, I don’t like men.”

At the time I said that, I was uneducated and also not very far along the journey. The fact is… I DO like men - straight ones that want a straight woman.

So, does this make me Gay? No. It would have made "Ted" gay, if indeed he liked men - he didn't.

But at the time I answered my wife on the "are you gay" question, I had not reached the demarcation point of my sexual frontier as a female. So, in fact, it was still “Ted” answering her in saying, “No, I don’t like men.”

So now, I [Chloe] look like a liar or someone that was deceptive about being a homosexual as a man. 

I asked Rene "Are you gay? I mean, you love me, right? Whats that make you?... more importantly, Whats that make us?"

...I'm still waiting on that answer.

Rene's Thoughts - When I met Ted

When I was girl, one of my favorite newspaper columns was Ann Landers, an advice column.  Once, she wrote about a husband that liked to dress in women’s clothing. Her response (based on seeking the advice from medical journals and experts of the 1970’s) was that it was not abnormal for a man to want to do this in the comfort of his own home.

So when my fiancé told me about what I thought was his love of women’s clothing, was actually, a need to express something even he didn’t yet fully understand, I never dreamed that years later I would recall Ann Landers article and relate to this situation... and because of this, I wasn’t freaked out.

When I met Ted, I believed he was the answer to my prayers – one of many prayers I had brought before God during a weekly commitment to visit Jesus at my church. Each week I would attend our Eucharistic Adoration --a Holy Hour—that I had found spiritually fulfilling for over a year. I believe that He [Jesus] helped me find my committed relationship, when I made a commitment to Him. It was for this reason I was able to easily marry Ted, a person that was an acquaintance of four years, but only in a relationship with, for a short time. I believe the Lord put us together.

In the first year of our marriage, I continued my Holy Hour, and I felt privileged to have been there for Him – to have had that time. During these two years, I felt blessed when I got a new job that I loved, a marriage made in heaven, a new dream house and we became pregnant with our first child.

It was all so easy...

My Best Face Forward

Its not easy... and its not all glamour... but I do the best I can.

My co-workers still see and hear the same old guy pre-tending to be the same old fake, I always presented myself to be. Over coming this, is a daily cross to bare. It takes a lot of patience on my part, as well as theirs, to find our footing with one another. Aside from the handful of supporters at work that have come to my side and make me feel welcomed and befriended, I believe I am humored & or tolerated, at best.

I walk into my work location – and each day, I enter our crew room with the other men; I am ignored for the most part – or not really taken seriously if I speak. Each day I try to sit in a different chair in the room where we have our meetings, in the hopes that someone will sit next to me and talk to me… they all avoid me, sitting somewhere else, keeping me at a comfortable arms reach both physically and in their minds. Four years on the job full time as “Chloe”, and still, most people only speak to me out of necessity of the job - and reluctantly at that.

After the morning meeting, I go to my work truck, and leave the garage headed to my first job location. I don’t think there’s been a day yet, I haven’t left feeling the pangs in my chest, from the social isolation and loneliness… I cry… and by the time I reach my first customer of the morning, the picture above is usually the face that greets them in the morning.