Pink Thoughts

Its Complicated

2011-10-24T13:29:00.013-04:00

If your not transgender, lesbian, gay or someone that gets thrown into the catch-all bin of being labeled a "life styler," then you may be shocked to know what some people you have the utmost respect, love and devotion for might say to you, when the illusion of being "normal" is removed.

Imagine going to work, or church --maybe the salon-- or even family functions, and instead of the usual conversations one would expect --hows the kids, hows the job, hows your mother-- you're asked in front of your friends, family, co-workers or even your children "so, do you like men now?"

When you're a person of Transsexual experience, you become fair-game. All the normal social filters most people have when engaging someone in a conversation are seen as completely unnecessary when someone spills the "T"...

"oh, your trans - cool. Soooo, do you have periods, or what?"

[...and you thought the worst thing about family reunions was getting a big old wet kiss on the lips from Aunt Bunny!]

What is still difficult for me to sort out in social situations, is when you're being treated like a woman, and when your being treated like a Transsexual.

Having lived 32 years presenting as a young handsome white heterosexual male, had its privileges.

The "adjustment" in transitioning from male to female, is learning to gauge social situations without having any former "female" experiences or privilege to compare from.

How can one learn and adjust to this, if they are not seen as "just" a woman... but rather, something "other than" a woman?

Thats my dilemma as a woman who's transgender history is public knowledge. As a result of that, I've become my own worst critic.

Over the past 6 years, I have developed an atitude that "if I know" that even one person in the room knows I'm Trans, then the safe bet is, they all know. Being an "Out" Trans person, I am guilty running everything I see and hear, through my Transgender-filters, which can have me self defeating myself in social situations, before they can even begin.

While in California, waiting for a meeting with network executives, I was running into a Starbucks to get some change for the parking meter, when a nice handsome man jumped out of his chair to hold the door for me. He said, "Something compelled me to come over and talk to you - your energy is amazing, and you have a lovely smile. May I buy you Coffee?"

I said, "thats nice - but I'm just here to get some change for the meter.." He dug into his pocket and said, "here... take what you need... coffee??" After talking to him a bit, I found out he is a terrific guy.

Meeting men, is not a problem for me --or women-- and interestingly enough, I get more offeres now from women, than I ever did as a man. Hot women. Young Women. Straight, Gay... you name it.

But, do they like me? or the exotic flavor of my trans nature?

The guy at Starbucks had no clue. But lets just say I decided to take his bait, and see where things go. In this digital age [and being Chloe Prince - public Transsexual] chances are, he'll know who I am before he's done paying for the coffee... then what?

What if the guy from Starbucks doesn't care, but his family, friends and people he works with, do care? Would we as a couple dating be forced into another closet?

What if he didn't Google me, and we went out on a date, but then he later found out - What if he felt tricked? He could be extremely hurt and distrustful of Trans people in the future - or even violent.

The "how", "when", and for "what reasons" I tell someone of my past, is something I still wrestle with, with each person I meet... its incredibly complex.

It is easy to understand now why many Transgender people will find comfort in settling into relationships with each-other - a subject that has very few references or exposure to gleam from for examples or advice.

I personally have been attracted to Female-to-Male, and Male-to-Female Trans people in various stages of transition, --not because of their gender-- but for the security of being in safe harbor in the dating pool together, rather than having to deal with the complex nature of dating non-transgender people.

I wonder sometimes if this is why some men and women enter into what could appear as homosexual relationships, but really, are not sexual at all? Rather, they love one another, for the "person" they are, and not in a sexual way.

This reminds me of a time when I resented my wife Rene in the worse way, because she refused to identify herself as a lesbian.

I felt that if Rene didn't identify as lesbian [but STILL wanted to remain in a mariage together] then by default, that made me STILL the husband in the relationship - and not "just" a woman who happens to love her spouse.

This was a deal breaker for me. I was so uncomfortable and hurt after 5 years of trying to settle for living in her shadow as the "husband that transitioned," that in November of 2010, I filed for divorce to free myself and finally live completely as a woman and mother of my own right.

We have remained supportive of one another , and for now, still live together, but are working towards moving on.

Rene shares her feelings in this letter, on the way she views our relationship now...

How can I still have a relationship with a person who is no longer my husband, but a woman? It’s easy when you still love the same heart and soul.

No, I’m not gay. I don’t have that physical desire. I’m just continuing on.

Years ago, when Chloe had a “date” with a male, it was interesting to hear how she felt. She really enjoyed the balance and protective feeling that a man can offer - and, as a woman, she could now appreciate what she took away from me, Ted's wife.

I know Chloe is very attractive and does cause attention with her shape and stature. Men like voluptuous women. But it doesn’t bother me when she gets more attention.

Once, at a family picnic, there was a man there whom spent some time trying to talk with Chloe. It didn’t bother me at all. I’m glad for her and glad that she is an attractive woman. We are two completely different people and I am not in competition with her. I think it would be awesome if there was some wonderful man that would sweep her off of her feet.

But then again, I really would like our family to stay together because I do still love and care about her.

God knows what we need, and I have faith He will sort it out.

For me, Rene will always be Ted's wife, in my heart... and that is why I take care of her - protect her and love and support her, even if it means one day, having to let her go. We are both open to dating and seeing others... but for now, our Facebook Relationship Status remains

Its complicated

Hollywood and The Gravity of Authenticity

2011-10-21T12:00:00.000-04:00

Coming home...

If you’ve ever closed down an amusement park -pitching your best ring-toss game- and still went home without that big pink plush bunny for your kids, then you’d know exactly how I’m feeling right about now – a winner that ran out of time because the park closed…

...I hate leaving empty handed.

But did I?

Maybe its not what we take away, but what we leave behind, that matters – in this recent trip to Hollywood to see networks, a good impression, might just mean a season of shooting for LA LA Land. It might also have been another lesson in tough love on the road to finding my true self...

If you're preparing for the same journey, feel free to borrow my bottle - I've made plenty...

For those of you that haven’t a clue about what I am talking about, bear with me and I’ll do my best to humbly connect the dots and illustrate the events of my life over the past year.

I’m here at LAX in route back to Ohio. I’ve spent the last week visiting TV networks with RelativityREAL, a production company that has contractually signed me to a deal to do a Television project with them. Who is RelativityREAL?

Have ya ever heard of Extreme Make Over: Home Edition? Nuff said.

Pitching networks was interesting – not so much because of the process of selling the “concept,” -it was cool- but having spent years being a sales person for different businesses, selling multi-million dollar networks and software licensing to fortune 50 companies; lets just say, it takes a lot for me to break a sweat… but, pitching networks? Well… it had me feeling like a kid sitting outside the principals office, singled out as the ring leader whom the teachers fear may be “spiking the fruit punch” with my Tranny cooties.

My mission: Convince them spiking the cool-aid could be fun ;)

The interesting part of pitching (for me), was, the unexpected bleeding process of opening up and laying my soul out naked to these people (over and over again), and then waiting for the crystallization of all eyes in the room to arrive at critical mass of “AhhhhHHH HA!”

Interesting also because, each pitch, was unexpectedly unique – which, to be honest, I had prepared and brought a canned presentation on my laptop. Well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans… I decided to just go with the flow – I’m so glad I did.

As I recounted “my story” each time, it kept bringing me back into realms of complex situations that still have no “box” to fit into; expired prescriptions for wounds on the mend, and, relationships I still haven’t found closure for, or are currently looking to find footing in, or back into.

Turns out, in many ways, what I thought was “a fix,” was in reality, a Band-Aid on scares that have yet to heal. And that’s what really has me coming down out of the pink cloud on my way back to Ohio today…

…the gravity of Authenticity.

Taking inventory over my life in the coming year, I plan to examine this, and make some drastic changes, that probably should have been done, along time ago. I can’t take on a project like this, without being completely honest with myself, and forth coming with others.

Its not that I “lie.” I think I’ve just been in denial about something’s, and selfish in other areas – either not wanting to give up “privilege” or afraid of living life without a net in the real world, as a woman, because honestly, I’m still trying to figure out where my place is and who I am.

The “lie” is actually “me” trying to convince myself that what I am doing, is ok… and what I have been doing is running from what it truly means to be a woman, because I have not accepted that others accept me… and I realize, I am still in a place where I am looking for acceptance – and if I can’t get it, I run to a place I can create it, instead of working towards it… escaping back into my privilege of Ted’s old world. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Now it makes sense…

…I’ve been haunted by something Rene once texted me… I wrote her… “why do I feel like I want to run away when I am with you, then feel so bad when I’m away from you?”

Her reply?

“Because. You know what your doing, is wrong.”

She was right - what I had been doing… is trying to escape from a very selfish feeling. Easier to escape, and blame it on a cold war that could never be won because it had no name, then to own up to the fact I’m the only one with swords drawn.

You see, in many ways, Rene has been a safety blanket from having to fully adjust and “be” a woman all of my own - and just like BEFORE my transition, I’m starting to resent her for something that is not even her fault: being a woman in my life.

Notice I said a woman “all of my own” and not “on my own.”

There’s a big difference there. And that’s where I think I got confused… escaping – a natural feeling I think that comes when we are scared.

But why do I feel this way towards Rene?

I think its because she reminds me that I am not stepping up - and there are a few reasons for that. I used to convince myself I was fearful of overshadowing her place in the marriage as “the wife” and as the “mother” to our children… but those were just convenient excuses of a chicken shit cross dressing husband.

The truth is… being Ted was just easier.

I said “easier”, not better - not worse.

You see, “Chloe” has benefited from the fruits of Ted’s life – but now, she must start over… and there is a lot of gravity in that statement… and I’ve been scared to accept that. I think that’s why I allowed “Ted’s” life to come crumbling down around me, “Chloe.”

I stood by and did nothing as the equities of Ted’s life vanished. No one else was doing anything to stop it either – I think that is because their hope was that the rubble that is his commitments and responsibilities would crush Chloe back into Ted. But then again, that might be me (Chloe) looking for an excuse to be “ok” with what’s happened… and I’m not ok – it was my fault, and I need to own that.

Resentment sucks…

…I’m sorry Rene.

Question now is, how do I fix this?

But I digress…

Your probably wondering, how did the meetings go?

Well, its funny - when you put your best foot forward – when you give something all you’ve got… and that “something” is you?

For me, this was the pitch of my lifetime. I’ve always been someone to close the deal in the room… but not this time – and I’m learning “that’s ok.” Because, that’s not how this town works. The good news?

We “brought it.”

Not everyone gets the chance to have Box Seats at the Kentucky Derby that is Hollywood - let alone ride in it. Well, I not only rode in that race, I rode the horse with a track record of being a winner, time and time again. Pictured (left to right) Julie Link, Senior VP of Relativity, me, Tom Forman, President of Relativity, and Adriane Hopper, President of En Light Productions whom is in co-production with this project.

RelativityReal is one of the largest unscripted television production companies in Hollywood. More importantly - Tom, Julie, Adriane, and a whole team of people consisting of lawyers and agents believe in me, and the project, and have put their name and passion behind it. If it’s going to happen – this is the dream team that will make it happen.

The actual pitch meetings were photo finishes, leaving the networks deliberating if the legs on this horse can be another one of their prized show ponies.

…It’s in God’s hands now.

After the meetings --and then too later resting back at the suite-- I started to think about the possibilities and challenges this project will present on my life. I have no doubt the usual suspects with their usual Bee-Sting attacks, will launch their literary nukes at me, the way they did Chaz Bono.

Surprisingly, some of the nastiest ones that came at me after the ABC Primetime special my family was in, came right from within our own Trans community. Jealousy takes many forms, – and “sorry”, but I have chosen to Opt-Out and rise above all the critics, haters, and armchair keyboard activist arguing over umbrella term politics and religious views on all things Trans. These people are irrelevant, and will be completely ignored, as I will not allow myself to become part of anyone’s agenda – good, or bad. Its like, everyone needs me to be something, for them – some need to demonize me – some need to adopt me. Stop that.

People: My story is my own – stop trying to co-opt me into some reservation, that brings balance to your needs. You’re you. I’m me… and then there’s that space in between. Think about it.

Anyway… about the project…

Well, all’s I’m aloud to say right now is, this project will be transformative in many ways -For a TV network because there is nothing like it, especially the way RelativityReal is planning on bring it in to focus - Its genius! Transformative because, it bridges over that confounding gap between men and women. ….and transformative in the way we think about love, relationships and parenting that will transcend and speak to everyone. Its also ground breaking in concept how it will parachute into the lives of others and ultimately transform them and the audience too, in the way we perceive and understand one another.

Wish us luck…

More meetings to come, I’m sure.

---SUBSCRIBE and FOLLOW Chloe's Blog HERE---

---Comments?---

TransStation Demarcation - Reloaded

2011-10-20T23:09:00.000-04:00

Transgender people often find themselves having to face making a series of re-evaluations or "concessions" to commitments, truths and even values they once accepted as absolute.

Its important to note that Transgender people seek "authenticity" --to find and "be" their most truest self-- and along the way, [to an outsider or someone involved with a Transgender person] they could easily mistake these concessions and re-evaluations as being former deceptions, or lies.

For example, when I first began my transitional journey, I told myself [and my wife] that I just wanted to wear panties and a bra because I needed to and promised to never need to wear a skirt or makeup.

As time went on, my needs changed. BUT, at the time, this WAS my only needs.

So, on the surface, it looked like I lied to myself [and to my wife] but the reality here is I didn’t know that I would grow beyond that need.

Now my wife thinks I am a liar reneging on our deal that "it" would remain there.

As you travel down the line of transition, there are few mile markers - and even less signals or instruction.

Trans demarcations are "station points" we as Transgenders change which train of reality and truth we are traveling on. When we make a discovery, we are forever changed in the matter or view, and cannot go backward down the line. We can only keep moving forward.

Whether you cross one of these demarcation points in your mind --or a personal growth within your life or transition-- it’s important to point these demarcations out to those around you, as they happen.

For non-Transgender people dealing with someone that is, its best to prepare yourself. The Transgender person is revolutionizing and redefining themselves, right before your eyes, each day. One day they may like vanilla, the next chocolate... maybe both? maybe.. none?

Personally for myself, it was my head strong goal to align my "body" through surgery --to appear that of a genetic born female-- and to be accepted and loved in that capacity, and to reciprocate that in return, with someone who desires me as such.

It took me many years to be able to admit that. Complete honesty, is true freedom.

I have been called a man living out his "choice" or a fetish fantasy, by some - even by other [anonymous?] Transsexuals in fact!

I'm not worried about a few bitter old cowards, ugly with resentment for what they see in the mirror.

The truth is, transition is not a full time fetish - its simply, a medical treatment. Does anyone ever really want to transition? The question implies that its a choice. Let me be very clear - Transition is not a choice – it's self preservation, and the medical process is natural for a anyone diagnosed as transsexual, and approved by the American Medical Association, the same as it would be for someone with a birth defect being treated by surgery, medicine or therapy.

So no - transition is not a fantasy brought to life through techno-color Hollywood magic.

Transition is a rebirth. Have you ever witnessed a baby born? Did it come out all happy and pretty? NOoooooo, its bloody, crying, and it can not open its eyes and see anything for a period of time until they adjust to their new surroundings... oh, and they wear diapers: not a fetish either.

The same is true for a Transsexual in transition!

(Diapers? optional. Fetish ? ok, yes... but only if you count Depends©) lol

Seriously, how can you put expectations on someone that they themselves can not even know “what” or “how” they will feel with each and every hormone pill they swallow?

My wife once asked me “Are you gay?” I said “no, I don’t like men.”

At the time I said that, I was uneducated and also not very far along the journey. The fact is… I DO like men - straight ones that want a straight woman.

So, does this make me Gay? No. It would have made "Ted" gay, if indeed he liked men - he didn't.

But at the time I answered my wife on the "are you gay" question, I had not reached the demarcation point of my sexual frontier as a female. So, in fact, it was still “Ted” answering her in saying, “No, I don’t like men.”

So now, I [Chloe] look like a liar or someone that was deceptive about being a homosexual as a man.

I asked Rene "Are you gay? I mean, you love me, right? Whats that make you?... more importantly, Whats that make us?"

...I'm still waiting on that answer.

Rene's Thoughts - When I met Ted

2011-10-20T21:02:00.002-04:00

When I was girl, one of my favorite newspaper columns was Ann Landers, an advice column. Once, she wrote about a husband that liked to dress in women’s clothing. Her response (based on seeking the advice from medical journals and experts of the 1970’s) was that it was not abnormal for a man to want to do this in the comfort of his own home.

So when my fiancé told me about what I thought was his love of women’s clothing, was actually, a need to express something even he didn’t yet fully understand, I never dreamed that years later I would recall Ann Landers article and relate to this situation... and because of this, I wasn’t freaked out.

When I met Ted, I believed he was the answer to my prayers – one of many prayers I had brought before God during a weekly commitment to visit Jesus at my church. Each week I would attend our Eucharistic Adoration --a Holy Hour—that I had found spiritually fulfilling for over a year. I believe that He [Jesus] helped me find my committed relationship, when I made a commitment to Him. It was for this reason I was able to easily marry Ted, a person that was an acquaintance of four years, but only in a relationship with, for a short time. I believe the Lord put us together.

In the first year of our marriage, I continued my Holy Hour, and I felt privileged to have been there for Him – to have had that time. During these two years, I felt blessed when I got a new job that I loved, a marriage made in heaven, a new dream house and we became pregnant with our first child.

It was all so easy...

My Best Face Forward

2011-10-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

Its not easy... and its not all glamour... but I do the best I can.

My co-workers still see and hear the same old guy pre-tending to be the same old fake, I always presented myself to be. Over coming this, is a daily cross to bare. It takes a lot of patience on my part, as well as theirs, to find our footing with one another. Aside from the handful of supporters at work that have come to my side and make me feel welcomed and befriended, I believe I am humored & or tolerated, at best.

I walk into my work location – and each day, I enter our crew room with the other men; I am ignored for the most part – or not really taken seriously if I speak. Each day I try to sit in a different chair in the room where we have our meetings, in the hopes that someone will sit next to me and talk to me… they all avoid me, sitting somewhere else, keeping me at a comfortable arms reach both physically and in their minds. Four years on the job full time as “Chloe”, and still, most people only speak to me out of necessity of the job - and reluctantly at that.

After the morning meeting, I go to my work truck, and leave the garage headed to my first job location. I don’t think there’s been a day yet, I haven’t left feeling the pangs in my chest, from the social isolation and loneliness… I cry… and by the time I reach my first customer of the morning, the picture above is usually the face that greets them in the morning.

Getting Caught Was Just Easier

2011-08-03T20:35:00.012-04:00

Sometimes, things just "feel good" to write down - but you wouldn't actually say them to anyone. Blogs can be dangerous in this regard. Mine is no exception. Over the years, I've been on both ends of the barrel when it comes to "stepping on and stepped on" family toes. I think I may have mentioned this before, but its been on my mind again, so I want to bring it back up.

Being a man, for me, was difficult. But in fairness, it's difficult for ALL men when it comes to not "appearing weak." Admitting that you are NOT a man, is the ultimate white flag of surrender. The worst nightmare of any REAL man is, appearing or making ones self "vulnerable" in a non-masculine way. Men protect themselves at all times from looking non-masculine - but thats what society has trained them to do. Even their mothers, and other women, protect masculinity by ensuring their sons don't paint their toenails pink, or appear feminine in any way. If it weren't a big deal, we'd have skirts and panties for every little boy under the Macy's Day Parade Christmas Tree... but we don't. Why? Read on!

Prior to the year 2005, I was just some guy named Ted from Hartville Ohio, working for the Phone Company, married and the parent to 2 little baby boys. On the surface, I was "the average Joe." You would think having an adorable wife, great job, beautiful children, security and respect, would have been enough for any man... Right? Well, I think you'd be right in most cases. But see, thats where the problem was - I wasn't the average man. I did't know it at the time, but I wasn't even "a man."

*dream sequence flash back*

Growing up, there were 2 people in my family I loved and adored most of all. My mom's bothers... my uncles. I really miss them most. Its been, well, 6 years since I seen or spoke to them... and our last visit together was my grandmothers funeral (their mom)... she died on Christmas day that year. That holiday just hasn't been the same since, for any of us.

I really screwed up when I began all this in 2005... you see, I felt like I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. So, I began this here Blog. The very one your reading now. I started it at the suggestion of a friend in a support group. And when I did start it, my legal name was still Ted. This Blog was for "Chloe"... Chloe was just a raw concept of something I was sorting out from the echos coming from the dark corners of my mind at nights... and during the days, it took the form of Cross Dressing in a spare bedroom which may or may not have include a session of "physical" relief.

Well, thats where I was at with "all this" in 2005.

My Blog was ment to be an online journal for support for these feelings. It was never intended to be found by "Ted's" friends or family. The blog was ment for other Transgender people to help me piece all this together.

One night, someone sent me one of those JOKE chain email letters to "Ted's" email account. Now, I normally do not send or forward these things out, but, this one joke in particular was something I thought I would share with the rest of my family members ONLY. So I copied and pasted the part of the joke into a new email and selected all the people I wanted it to go to, and hit "Send". Only one problem... I forgot that "MS Outlook" had "Chloe's" email set as the default account.

CRAP!

Everyone of my family members just got their first email from "Chloe Prince"

My sister was the first to respond. "Is this you Teddy?"

I panicked. I concocted a REPLY letter that I tried sending back that looked like one of those AUTO Response letters when an Email is undeliverable... lol "...Sorry, we've tried delivering your message -its timed out - we've given up... " lol "Please check the number and try your call again" lol "Sorry, no speaky the Engly"... lol

...My sister was NOT fooled. Niether was anyone else. My blog was quickly found. Eeeek!

That was it - I was out.

Looking back, I see many different ways I could have avoided all this from happening - but the truth is, there was a large part of me that wanted to get caught. I was a coward that just couldn't say the words... that didn't want to face the truth of what I was planning to do.

Getting caught was just easier.

And since everyone was already mad and not talking to me, it made it even easier to just dismiss everyone as unsympathetic, bigots, haters and good old fashion a-holes... While there "may" have been a little bit of truth to "their" short comings, most of it wasn't. The larger part of the truth is, I was a coward.

I just couldn't face the truth and tell my family... "I'm a woman."

I wanted to tell them. Many times throughout my life, I felt like coming forward and trying to say something. The closest I ever got was in 1990. I was 18, and my girlfriend left me. I was feeling depressed and wrote a stupid run-away letter to my parents, confessing the truth that I DIDN'T want to live anymore and that I was not the person they thought I was - that I had been secretly wearing women's clothes for a while...

...that letter I wrote them in 1990, was one of those letters I was talking about at the beginning - the type of thing you write down cause it feels good, but don't intend to follow through with. I had hid the letter away in my room among the usual mess I kept consistant throughout my teenage years. Well, a few days later, I had got to cooling down about lossing my girl friend, and I decided to destroy that letter. However, that day, as (luck?) would have it, when I got home, my mom had cleaned my room! She never cleaned my room!

And the letter? gone... (note to self: Insert smily-icon shitting pants, here)

In 1999, I found out from my sister (9 years later) that my mom had indeed found that letter, and actually held on to it for a while. Coincidently enough, I found out THIS little tid bit from my sister, the same week my other girlfriend Jennifer, of 7 years, left me... I was confessing (again) to my sister that I liked to Cross Dress as the possible reason why she left me. Thats when she told me about Mom finding the Drama Bomb in my bed room all those years ago. Now fast forward to 2011, and if I ask either of them about ANY of this, neither of them remember ANY of it.

And while I'm being honest here: Cross Dressing Wasn't the entire or even the major reason my girlfriend Jennifer left me. My girl friend Jennifer CHEATED on me with 4 different men over the course of 7 years and used my cross dressing as one of her many excuses. That being said, she left me because I was a complete ass (about her cheating on me, that is!) Her cheating on me made me paranoid. I know now I had a low self esteem and stayed with her cause I thought "no one else would ever accept me being a cross dresser." I know from talking to many other Trans-people, this is very common.

You know, come to think of it - I actually had told my mom I liked Cross Dressing on thee day that my girlfriend Jennifer left me. She asked me, standing there in my apartment, "why do you think she left - what was the problem?"

Just as I would later confess to my future wife Rene, I walked my mom into my bedroom of my apartment and showed her my "girl" clothes. I pointed... She said "so, your a cross dresser?"... I nodded, and then wept as I lay my soul naked for the first time out to my mom... I waited for judgement... but nothing more was said. Instead, she said, come on, lets go back to the house for some dinner.

Another time in history that should have thrown up the red flag for my family, was when I was about 15. I had "collected" a stash of women underwear and bras.

Now you may be asking, how did a 15 year old establish an entire collection of "stash"? heh... thats another story altogether!

Anyway, my sister Laura found my stash, and had brought it to my parents attention. When I got home from school, it was sitting on the kitchen counter. A lot of things were racing through my mind at that moment... but admitting the truth wasn't one of them. "Deny it?" I thought... The looks on my mom, dad's and sister's face were priceless. They could see that I was solving the secrets of the universe in a blink of my eyes. lol

My dad was the one to ask the million dollar question... "so, who's are these?" My throat went dry. The best I could come up with was "..a panty raid?"... lol Their stares of inquisitive anticipation turned themselves to each-other as if they were going to check a bingo card to see who had covered THAT excuse square! lol

My mom said, "Then why are some of your sisters things in there?" ...again, I felt the walls pushing in on me as I reach for the highest limb of the "liar liar pants on fire tree"... "the guys were going to play a joke at school - I was elected to hold the stash, and everyone had to put something in the pile."

In my own mind I just hi-fived myself and thought, "GOD DAMN... you really ARE good!"

I'm not sure if they bought it or not, but it sounded good?!?! *shrugs*

They asked me to get rid of them, so I said, "I'll just take them up to the garden and burn them." So I grabbed the pile and put them in a shopping bag. On my way out the door, my mom said, "do be sure to burn ALL of them..." Thats the comment that has left me wondering.. I think she knew "something" was going on. Even back then.

*Back to present day...*

Many in my family were upset when they found out I had been blogging about all this behind their backs. They weren't so much upset that I was turning into a woman (they were), but also because I was putting it all out there for the world to see, along side the same family name we shared.

If I could go back and change something, I'm not sure things would be different between me and other people or family members. But, it would be different in the way I feel about it. I wish I could of had the courage to just talk to my family, before I accidentally outted myself. I can only guess at whether this would have made any difference or not - BUT - I have heard from my mother that some family would have appreciated that, and not had to find out about it on the internet. I agree. I'm sorry too. I just felt so frightened to talk about it. I didn't know where to go or even how to open up about the subject. My Blog was my way of being able to have some place to come and "bleed". In some ways - it still is.

This all being said, that doesn't mean I'm giving everyone a "free pass" on what they said and how they behaved in light of what happened. Somethings said and done to me, were plain horrible. But you have to live with that. The guilt I feel about how I handled the situation, is gone... because I truly AM remorseful for how I mishandled the gravity of the situation. But mostly, for being a coward and never "owning it"... until now. It was just easier to be angry and make excuses... and, I am sorry, for that.

Your probably wondering, "if they were upset with you blogging, why are you still doing it?"

*sigh*

I can't go back and fix the mistakes I made - and I won't apologize anymore for them. I'm done. This blog now serves those who are looking for an example of a human-being... flaws and all ... Sharing my story over the years, has saved my life. It has also empowered many others the same way it empowered me to find a voice when, in that moment, life was testing our courage, and we were leaving foot prints wider than the ones we were following.

"BEE" The Change

2011-04-18T20:02:00.002-04:00

Guest Blogger:
Lana Moore

Currently there seems to be quite a lot of negative energy bouncing around the “trans blogosphere.” I’ve been watching and reading with much sadness and disappointment. People seem to have lost their inhibitions to spew into the public arena any old thought that happens to enter their minds. What happened to mature social interaction? Is this how people behave face to face? Of course not, because in an actual encounter, we make eye contact, we collect all the facial expressions and emotion that another radiates to us. So, on line, with the perceived protection of time, distance, and shielding it would seem that essential tenets of human courtesy are missing.

What bothers me most, I think, is when I have friends on each side of some of these ad hominem attacks and I know both of these fine people to be mature, caring, and intelligent individuals who have apparently gotten lost in the passion of their debate. I feel as though I must suddenly choose which one to side with. Ultimately, I choose not to take the cheese, lest I get drawn into this lose-lose conundrum. After all, which is more important—being right, or getting it right?

We owe it to the ones who have blazed the trails ahead of us as well as to those who will follow in our paths to listen and dialogue with the level of mutual respect that all human beings deserve. Never before was the axiom “United We Stand, Divided We Fall” more poignant. Look, if we can’t even seem to agree—or at least be civil in our disagreements—how can we ever expect to make any inroads with regards to changing the hearts and minds of the “mainstream?”

Another phenomenon I am also seeing is something a friend recently described to me as “Crab Mentality.” This describes a way of thinking best described by the phrase "if I can't have it, neither should you." The metaphor refers to a pot of crabs, individually the crabs could escape from the pot, but instead, they grab at each other in a useless "king of the hill" competition (or sabotage) which prevents any from escaping and ensures their collective demise.

The analogy in human behavior is that of a group that will attempt to "pull down" (negate or diminish the importance of) any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of jealousy, conspiracy or competitive feelings.

This term is associated with short-sighted, non-constructive thinking rather than a unified, long-term, constructive mentality. It is also used colloquially in reference to individuals or communities attempting to "escape" a so-called "underprivileged life", but kept from doing so by others attempting to ride upon their coat-tails or those who simply resent their success."

My partner, Chloe has become a lightening rod for much of the blog negativity. I lost count of the commenters who start by admitting their prejudice, stating that they did not or “could not” even watch her ABC television show and then comes the big BUT, as they go on to ignorantly rip the show and her personally. There is a difference between--an informed questioning and commentary of a person’s perceived motives and/or judgment--and outright pillorying them.

And then there is the whole “Bee Sting” fiasco. It doesn’t help that it has been mischaracterized, or at least presented it in a way that was easily misunderstood, but Chloe has explained it clearly and concisely, more than once. Obviously the bee sting did not “turn her into a woman” but, like Al Gore’s “I invented the internet” misnomer, this is just too irresistible for the “crabs in the pot” to let go of. This has actually become amusing to watch as it takes on a life of its own.

Chloe understands this and she knows all too well that this sort of thing goes with the territory when one puts themselves “out there” the way she has. She can take it. I can say with first hand experience because I know her personally--and obviously I am biased so you may take this for what it is worth--that Chloe is one of the most caring and genuine people I have ever met. She is strong and principled, yet kind and caring. She stands up for what she believes, but will readily admit when she is wrong. Above all, she is human, like you and me, which takes me back to my broader points at the beginning of this piece. Let us not forget our humanity as we navigate and interact within the cold digital social matrix of the internet blogoshpere.

I am also happy to report that for every public harsh negative criticism launched at Chloe, there are probably one hundred messages of gratitude and encouragement received “behind the scenes.” So, it is like I have been telling my children, don’t get sucked into the negativity, sometimes you gotta do what you know is right for you, no matter what others will think or say. Follow what is in your heart because acquiescing to the bullies, only validates their angry cause. Words will only get you so far, it takes action. You must set the example, you must Be The Change you want to see.

~Lana Moore

Post Comment Read Comments

When It Matters Most

2011-04-17T22:53:00.014-04:00

If there is one thing I do miss from the previous chapters of my life living male, it is without a doubt, the sense of self worth that came from being part of a family. From the time I was born and then later grew up, I had taken for granted the very core of what I was and what I meant to my family, and what they meant to me... that is, until I lost touch with them through transition.

I've been spending a lot of time these past 2 weeks fixing my duplex from the storm damages and the rest of the time with Lana in Westerville where we are working on moving in together – we’ve got remodeling working going on there as well in one of the rooms.

Lana's family has been having some very serious medical issues, and they seem to have all come up at once. Her sister Debbie and her mother had to both go into the hospital at the same time this past week. Lana has been trying to be supportive as she can, and I've been trying to be as supportive as I can to Lana. Sometimes, just "being there" makes all the difference in the world. I hate to see Lana get wore down. She is the Captain of a Fire house and she also has her hands full being a parent and an active member in her church and local community.

Debbie has been in the hospital now for an entire week and they still haven't a clue what is wrong with her. We continue to pray for answers. We brought Debbie some flowers and a card - yesterday Lana painted her nails for her while she laid in bed. I know Debbie really appreciates having the company.

Lana's mother "Ruth" had developed trouble swallowing. At 85 years old, her doctor scheduled her for surgery to have a pocket in her throat fixed that had been catching her food. Needless to say, everyone has been worried about her - and for for me, it's got me thinking about my grandma.

My grandmother "Violet" went in for surgery on her neck. During the procedure, she arrested on the table. The doctors were able to restart her heart, but the anastasia was too much for her body and she never recovered entirely. A few days later, my grandmother passed away on Christmas day, 2005. She was 80 years old. My sister and I stood on each side of her as she slipped away, and the family behind us... it was one of the most painful moments I can remember. Each Christmas day since I find myself being reminded of that moment when I got the phone call to race to the hospital, only to make it just in time to say good-bye. I thank God, for taking her peacefully, and for giving me the chance to be there for her in the end.

I miss you Grandma...

I began transitioning from Ted to Chloe in 2006. My Grandmother never knew the real me. Time and then death separated us from ever embracing as grandmother and granddaughter. If she were a live today, I would like to believe that she would have welcomed me into her home. I am not sure she would have completely accepted or even agreed with my transition. But I believe she would have shown me love, regardless. I believe this to be true because when my sister came out in the early 90's around the age of 23, my grandmother had told me personally at the time, that she didn't agree with my sister’s lifestyle and thought it to be a very tough life to live – regardless, my sister is still her grandchild and she'll continue to love her for "the person" she is and would reserve anything else for God to sort out.

It was this conversation that, as I continued to grow as a woman, I choose to follow her lead and live by her example -- even when it is difficult -- to be there for others, when it matters most.

Post Comment Read Comments

Getting Pegged for What You Know Too Much About

2011-04-14T05:42:00.003-04:00

They say when it rains, it pours. Well in my case, it’s been a hailstorm. Literally. A hailstorm hit our home and another duplex we own and did significant damages. For the past 2 weeks, I have been dealing with insurance companies, contractors and frustrated tenants. It’s been a test of my patience, to say the very least.

I feel stressed out because when I talk to these contractors and adjustors (all men), I feel like there is a fine line between “knowledgeable” and “too knowledgeable” for a woman to know about plumbing a gas water heater, or putting on a new roof, etc.

Now I know that sounds sexist because, well, it is I suppose.. But in my own defense I would dare to say in my dealings and associations with other women, I have found that many (not all) do not know the first thing about trade skills (or have any interest) in things like putting in a water heater or replacing a roof. These are male dominated trades.

When a woman speaks to contractors on the level about these trades, it puts a spotlight on them of curiosity and amusement for some inquisitive men. Having this kind of knowledge can open the door to other discussions and questions. Questions that can lead you right into a position of outing yourself.

The odd thing is, I used to get the same looks from females when I was a male, and I would know TOO much about female things.

These have been difficult challenges to navigate in my new life as a woman, because I have NOT lived my life since birth, that of the average female. I enjoy the work, but by doing it, it reopens my mind to thoughts of things I thought I already had bridged over. I don’t like being thought of as just a Transgender woman. But, that’s exactly what I am being. I can’t be “just a woman.” I lay my hands over my forehead and heart and strain through tears to understand why "any" of that should matter now. I simply do not know.

All that I DO know is, that, it just does.

Courage comes in many forms - this is not one of them.

I have found if I am too assertive or knowledgable, that I am thought of by men as a bitch. How cliche' is that? How many times I have heard a woman say this, and I rolled my eyes... and yet, here I am. I have to say, its absolutely true. The funny thing is, I have experienced this attitude from men that KNEW me as a former male. How am I to interpret that? They had no problem I transitioned. I guess I am to be validated by getting the boys club treatment?

If I don't assert myself, or reveal all the knowledge I have in a conversation, I feel disingenuine and that I am selling out other females by looking like an incompetent ninny that needs their Daddy to help them pick out and pay for a car.

These feelings were never covered in any of my therapy. Never. I never thought that I would one day have to confront a line between being too masculine or too feminine in any one given situation. "Women" do not have to think about these things, because "Women" were born and raised as women. Everything they do, is without question in their mind, JUST a woman doing it.

As someone that was raised and lived as Male, trying to assimilate into the female world, I am finding that it is impossible for me right now to just "be" a woman, and not be reminded that I am in fact being a "Transgender" woman. Transgender women have the privilege of knowing how the boys world works and seeing things from that side of the coin. For me, this has not been something easily channeled into my female energy. How can I? You might as well ask me to give birth too.

I have been post-op now for 3 years, living full time nearly 6 years. In this time, I can tell you, I have learned a lot about myself, life as a female and explored my sexuality. But, surgery doesn't and didn't make me a woman. Surgery ONLY gave me the body of a female to match my feminine feelings and spirit.

In truth, it takes a life time to enter and live in the female world to grow into a "woman". Normally, a child goes through all these awkward stages of social grooming into their gender roll, early on in life. As a transgender woman, I feel like a 6 year old girl right now with the life experience of a 32 year old male. And that hurts, some days. Other days, its been a blessing to be able to navigate a situation with my "privilege" of my former experience of having lived as a male. But again, your average woman would not have had that privilege. So am I a woman? Or am I a Transgender woman with male privilege? Admittedly, this is deeply troubling. But why?

I am learning each day to take these experiences and use them to guide myself through this new chapter of life, and channel them into a feminine expression as I feel inspired to do so. I have let go to a lot that I used to hold true as a former male, because I see the world differently now. That world affects me, and I can't interact with it anymore the way i used to as a male - even though I have the privilege of experience and skill of a male. For my life to work now, I have to use what I have, and just be the best "me" I can. Thats not male. But its not entirely female either. That's not to say my feelings aren't feminine - they are. But my life experience as a male is not something I can change with surgery. It is only something I can use now to help develop my life as a "woman" of my choosing. But what kind of Woman can that be with a male history as a platform to build upon? I wonder if this is why my mother and sister find it difficult to accept me fully without looking at each-other behind my back rolling their eyes when I say something completely male out of ignorance that any normal female would never say or think.

Looking forward...

Both Rene and I are looking forward to moving this summer. Rene will be moving close by so we can share the kids 50/50. This will give both of us, as well as the kids, a chance for a fresh start. The entire time I have been living as a woman with Rene, I never really felt like I actually transitioned, as much as I was really just cross dressing post-operatively. My eyes began to be awaken to this years ago, but its taken this long to get a divorce, and a plan together. Rene and I gave it 5 years together. She'd go another 50 years the way things are, but be miserable the entire time. She wasn't like this when I married her. I can see that my transition broke her trust in me, and her self esteem. It is my hope that I can give her that back by helping her to have a chance to start over.

As for my kids - they are doing wonderful. They are looking forward to the move. They love Lana, and have had a year now to get to know her and become comfortable. They have told us in their own way, "its time" and they are going to be ok too.

If there is one thing I am grateful for, more than anything, is for the opportunity to raise my children as another woman in their life. Doubly grateful they accept me as just a "Mom". Tripple grateful to Rene in both helping me to be a good mom, and for validating me in front of the kids of this fact. The kids know I "seeded" their life as a male, but they have only ever known me as a woman named Chloe and can think of no other term for me except MOM. What more could you ask for? I am happy, young, and have plenty of time to figure it all out. No doubt that I will. Regardless of all the challenges behind and in front of me, at least now, I know which way to turn my sail into the wind towards becoming the "lady" I wish to be.

Post Comment

Update: April 20th 2011

Diana_W wrote an excellent blog in reference to my blog here, called "Authentic Transition" on her blog "Salad Bingo". I found it very helpful. The comments were interesting as well.

Whats New, and Some of the Same Old

2011-04-07T07:51:00.019-04:00

Why do we argue over words? This comic made me chuckle when I think about how foolish I have been over worrying about such silly things.

Moving onward.

Theres only 2 months left until my children finish school. Back in November, Rene and I agreed it was best I stay living in the house after the disillusion of our marriage. In the effort to rebuild trust and maintain a healthy environment for a fresh start for everyone, I agreed, and stayed to help support her while she sought employment and maintain help with the kids, as well as make sure the kids school year was not interrupted by switching schools.

If you read any part of my Facebook page, or look at my profile in PINKessence, its no secret I have taken up with a new partner (Lana) for a little over a year now. We are planning on moving in together this summer. That means I will be moving to Columbus Ohio, about 100 miles from where I live now and grew up. I'm both excited, and scared. More on that, another time.

I would have loved to move in with Lana a while ago, but to do so, would have been a serious detriment to a fresh start for Rene. She and I had both lost our jobs, and she (at the time) still had not found one after 2 years of looking. Staying was the only option if she was to be able to get her life together, and keep the kids at the same time. I didn't want to move 100 miles away and be away from my kids, or not be able to help Rene with them.

Rene and I have amicably and peacefully decided to share the children with equal custody. Neither of us are in disagreement when it comes to our children's best interests. Its nice, because, I have read many horror stories how an ex-spouse of a transsexual will attack or manipulate the the Transsexual through the courts by using their children.

Rene is many things, and has many opinions when it comes to my transition. But, she has always maintained that the children will never be used in this way. Nor will she or I allow our extended families to use our kids to manipulate us, either. Again, I have read of cases where in-laws want to get involved and stir the old sh*t pot because they don't want their grand children around some "tranny freak", "life styler" or any number of other choose your label choice phrases.

I am thankful to Rene that we can have a common ground with the kids. I realize that, what I did, in many ways, betrayed her trust. At least thats her feelings. If the tables were turned, I would like to think I could have (at the time) handled the situation as well as she has, but that would be a lie. Moving forward, I hope to build a trust with her. I love her dearly. Thinking about the day I will come home and not smell her cooking, or see her face - its extremely painful for me at the moment to think to long about.

So why divorce? Well, it was I who filed for the divorce a while back. No, this was not because I cheated on her or had a new relationship. Our divorce had been a long time coming. By the time I had started seeing Lana, the marriage had long been over, and yes, I told Rene about Lana, early on. I am trying to be sensitive to Rene and my family and have not introduced Lana to them yet as I don't think its proper right now - I don't want Lana to be seen as some home wrecker - shes not.

I Know it wasn't easy for Rene to know that I had moved on. She still maintains that she loves me dearly, and doesn't wish to let go. Yet, that is not what her actions say. Her actions suggested a deep level of shame for what we had become together. I think anyone that saw the ABC special could see that, except of course, her. It became too hard to live with myself, knowing I had done this to her. I felt like a complete coward and wanted to just, run away. Hide...

... other nights I just lay here remember what it felt like to want to die, and wish for death... and then I would think to myself, "I wish I ONLY felt that bad, now".

I am deeply ashamed for how my transition was handled where my wife and family are concerned. I am not a roll model in this. Not by any means. Its easy now for me to sit back and give limited advice in the form of sharing my mistakes. I was arrogant, and in some cases, not forth coming and deceptive with my true feelings. I was completely wrong in doing this without her support. I'm not saying I am wrong for transitioning - just wrong in dragging her through it. When it was decided that I was to move forward with transition, I did so by giving her a choice of "transition or divorce". Each time, she would re-draw her line in the sand a little bit further back from its original place, as to allow for room for me to make an adjustment forward.

Looking back, if I could handle this differently, I should not have done this. I think the best solution for Rene and I should have been counseling. And when that failed (and it did) we should have went our separate ways at that point, and NOT dragged out the pain and put our children and selves through such awkward and difficult struggles.

This is not to say other married couples can't work it out and do it together. BUT, married couples need to DO IT TOGETHER. Not press forward like I did, leaving your wife crying in her pillow each night after slowly giving her soul and sense of self away, bit by bit to maintain her family and children out of lack of other options.

I'm an asshole. And I find living with that, unbearable. Worse, I felt powerless to do anything about it, without further being an ass. Until now.

Rene does not identify as a lesbian. But thats what the world saw us as. I saw Rene's approach to the world diminish each time she and I would go anywhere publicly together. The trust she had for me was gone, and with it, was its cousin. Respect. It was a challenge to communicate without it breaking down into arguments - usually it would come full circle back to my "choice" to transition. This of course built resentment from me, and came back out at her as distrust and disrespect too.

We tried everything... There was just too much damage that was done. I was spending more time sleeping alone in a separate room, than together... She and I never did anything together anymore, and trying to go somewhere together, usually lead to an argument in the car on the way. In almost every case, my resentment for her not supporting me in my transition could NOT be let go. In almost every case for her, my transition was something to use as a trump card to arguments.

You take all of this disfunction, and selfishness, and then add the fact that I resented being "still" someones husband? I just couldn't wrap my mind around that. I AM A WOMAN! I AM NOT ANYONES HUSBAND. Men are husbands. I am a FEMALE! Gay people are not legally allowed to marry in my State. Why do I get a pass on this? BECAUSE I WAS A MALE WHEN I MARRIED HER!!! Not because I am a female that gets a loop hole to be married to another woman. This was unsettling for me as a female, as much as it was for Rene as a heterosexual woman to be now perceived as a lesbian. It was (for her) a forced pseudo lesbian relationship. But it was her actions in the relationship that reveled her imprisonment more than her words to the country ever could hide her true feelings.

As for my own discomfort - keep in mind, your talking about someone that flew to the other side of the planet to have their genitals realigned with their correct gender in their mind. NO MAN would do this. No MAN would ever part with their penis. No real man would want a vagina. AND, no real female would want to have a penis, given the choice.

I am a Female. Not someones husband, son or uncle or Dad. True, I maintained those roles until I found my own voice in the matter. Yes, I seeded the life of my children with my male genitalia, but I have raised them since they were 2 years old as a mother full time! My children ONLY know me as a woman. Not their mothers husband. It became UNBEARABLE for all involved to live this way.

I wished Rene and I would have explored this subject and gotten help before we married. Before we had kids. I was a coward.

Another thing.... I just couldn't face my Father... my mother, or Rene and tell them, I need to be a woman.

I spent 32 years as a male being called "Faggot" by my own uncles - with a voice that I could never even ONCE pass as a male on the phone. This made it extremely difficult to conduct business, like banking, because no one ever believed I was a male named Ted, even when I tried. I was beat up and made fun of at school constantly - I was nicknamed Tinker bell in high school, and teased. I went to school every day in fear of going to the bath room because the boys singled me out as weak, and an easy mark. I always wore my gym clothes under my regular clothes because I didn't get pubic hair until I was age 19. And even then, it was minimal. I felt alone and feared talking to my parents about any of this... My father was dealing with his own addictions at the time, prostrate cancer, a troubled marriage, and a daughter that just came out of the closet as gay. The last thing i wanted to do was add to their pile. How could I...?

I knew then "what" and "how" I felt - but felt it was more important to try and be the legacy my father hoped I would be for our family, going forward in history. To be "the man" that would make all his life's struggles and his fathers father's wrongs, righted, or forgotten, as I took my place as the man of the family.

I think its interesting how it gets lost by some, that Rene knew I was cross dressing before we married. And in her words "This was not something that was going to get in the way of our marriage", and "...was something she could live with".

It would be a personal failure to cast blame on Rene solely or to accuse her of "well you should have known better... cause, ya knew SOMETHING was up." Neither of us really knew where any of this was going... If anything, I was praying it would go away completely. It didn't. Possibly to a fault, neither did Rene.

More on all this in coming updates.

In closing, I want to arm you with something to think about when navigating the blogosphere in the Transgender, Transsexual and LGB community.

There are 2 things I look for when I read blogs and comments. I ask myself, is what this person writing an "Instrument of Education" or a "Weapon Taking Aim"? It really is that simple.

Think about it. Then draw your own conclusions.
Peace!

No Comment

2011-02-04T15:23:00.004-05:00

"With great power comes great responsibility"
-Uncle Ben, Spiderman 1 Movie

Over the past year of 2010, I have found it increasingly harder and harder to be able to share my "thoughts" publicly, due to the new visibility I have both in media and in the transgender community. I was not prepared for that, although at the time I thought I was.

Both Rene and I lost our jobs - hers in 2009, and mine in 2010. Because of this, it has been necessary to re-examine our "visibility", here online, and in the media while we are looking for employment.

People can be very cruel. Especially when they have their own agenda they wish to hold you up for as "their" example to whatever it is they're trying to push, or point their trying to make.

I've been called both a hero, and a fraud. Neither of which I am proud of or wish to be... but, its to late for that now. And I acknowledge this error in both my mis-informed and under-informed judgement.

People have questions - which lead to more intrusive personal questions. Everything from "who fathered my children" to how Rene and I had sex and of course, show me your medical records. These are things that when I did the ABC special, I had not considered. Regrettably, it is out there now, and I have no way to put the genie back in the bottle.

No matter what your best intentions are, no matter how much you THINK or are told "your in control of your own story".... your not.

Rene and I and my children know who their genetic father was, and that chapter is not, nor ever will it be anyone else's business. Even though we have come forth with our story publicly, that is not an invitation into our bedroom or private sectors of our life. How we made love? Thats not up for discussion. And as for disclosing my medical and psychiatric records for public examination? Get real.

Its hard enough finding a job when your transgender, let alone having your entire medical history visible for the world to read. I don't know how it is in other countries, but here in the USA employers are allowed to do credit checks and if you want insurance, you have to disclose your medical history. I have went to great lengths to NOT get pigeon holed into all that and that is why I would and never will sign any release that put me in jeopardy of losing coverage from my insurance as a female, or forces me into a situation of having to disclose my past to potential employers.

So call me a liar, fraud all you like - accept it, reject, do whatever you like, but I will no longer allow myself to be bullied or called on the carpet for a panty check just because YOU need me TO BE SOMETHING, or NOT BE SOMETHING, because it suits your theories or agenda. Donna Rose once said to me, "Chloe, you are just you... and we can ALL agree on that."

I am removing all reference to my blogs, photos and videos about the diagnoses of my genetic variation. Its not important. It doesn't define me. It wasn't my reason for transition. Some say it was, and rightfully so for the way I have put it out there. I regret that too. Having this condition is something I deal with privately the same as I deal with hi-blood pressure, hair loss and other personal issues. It did not make my transition easier for myself or others to accept my transition - all it did was raise a lot more questions that for the time being, I am not willing to share, or deal with. I never followed up on any of it with my doctor after I was diagnosed. The endocrinologist told me the diagnoses, and I left the office with that knowledge. Thats it. I did not purse further on exploring treatment. Somehow this was spun into "the reason". It wasn't.

Over the past year, I have given a workshop at transgender conferences around the united states on the subject of "Transgender in the Media". I've been trying to bring awareness to other people of the pitfalls I opened myself up to. I'm not saying being on TV is a bad thing - it can be a positive thing if you have a reason, and if you have clearly thought things through and taken others into consideration.

What I did was selfish - thats what people say about me for transitioning while married with kids. As much as I would like to disagree with this, I can not entirely. It was selfish in some aspects, and I know that. Regrettably, I found no other solution, and I admit that I could not be a man -not for anyone-, so call me selfish. But stop crucifying me for it. I made a choice. No parent out there is perfect - everyone makes mistakes. I'm not saying my transition WAS a mistake - just not a popular choice among the court of public opinion. It was, simply a difficult choice, that forces others to have to make adjustments, and deal with. Some of those people will be my children. I know that. Its water over the dam now. That doesn't mean I have to drown in guilt over it for the rest of my life. instead, I will be the best I can be. SO STOP TERRORIZING ME OVER IT.

I choose to live a positive example and show my kids and family that I made the best choice I could. The option to stay as a man simply wasn't one, and nobody was just going to hand me my transition. I took charge of my life and remain accountable and responsible to those choices, and my children and family.

No, my children will not grow up with a male presence for a parent. They will grow up with one mother, and a transgender parent - me - not a mom, not a dad of tradition, but something in between. Thats their legacy. It IS different - its not going to be traditional. But that doesn't automatically VETO their childhood or the quality of their experiences. It just makes them different, but EVERY BIT as equal in family values, richness of love and opportunity for personal fulfillment!

Because the majority of the world is heterosexual, there is a narrative that I am selfish for taking Daddy away. Ok, in your world, that may be true to some. But I don't have to accept your world, any more than Amish people have to accept your world, or any other culture that is different.

As a Transgender parent, I offer something thats rare and unique. That doesn't make me selfish. Selfish is someone that abandons their children - I didn't abandon my kids. I love them - and they love me. With each day that bond grows and grows. Their lives have not been impacted negatively. They've just been given a different set of circumstances that others seem to have a problem with. My kids didn't even realize we were different until it was pointed out by adults trying to "conform" their thoughts on the matter. I have not tried to conform my childrens thoughts. Instead I allow them to ask questions, and I answer them with examples, not ideals.

People ask me "Why did you marry and have kids if you knew you were going to transition?" The simple answer to this is: I didn't know. Still, the court of public opinion wishes to hold me to the idea that, I did know. I think that is the perception because I had been privately cross dressing for many years. This was not something I did however, outside the confines of my bedroom for the most part. I had stopped cross dressing when I met, and married Rene for a few years. I suppressed it for as long as I could, until the urge broke me down, and I was no longer able to control it. I told her I needed to start doing it again, and Rene suggested I start going to a support group... and so I did. The events of me being diagnosed with Klinefelters syndrome were something I did not consider a detriment to how I was already feeling, and had been feeling all my life. I was offered treatment, but I declined. I saw no reason or benefit for these treatments at the time. Treatments that would have elevated my hormone T-Levels. The idea of that scared me. I had only come into this doctor to get tested so a plan could be put in place to desensitize me from bee sting reactions. The whole thing seem to be going in another direction - a direction I just wasn't interested in, and admittedly, scared me a bit. But if I had been living this way all my life, why do anything now? I seen nothing wrong with myself, except for being allergic to bee stings. I left the office, and never returned. I know I am not the first person to do that.

I can understand why people are left with a lot of questions. Questions that, I just can't and do not wish to answer publicly for stated reasons.

I'm not saying I won't talk about my transition, my life or even my kids. but somethings are just off limits because talking about them has ramifications that effect others, or call into question things I do not have the answers for, and do not wish to pursue. I will continue to share my story here on my blog, and if its in meda, I will be more careful as to what I allow. My goal is to help others reach their goals, and hopefully, learn by some of mine and other's mistakes. I plan to pursue these goals, be it in TV, Blogging, Speaking at conferences, or writing a book.

But, I'm done being made to feel guilty - both for transitioning, and not sharing everything about myself. I'm done feeling like I have to hide and that I can't blog about things I want to talk about. I'm done answering questions about what chromosomes I have, and about who's the daddy, and how do you have sex. I have accepted responsibility for going forward with this publicly, and I choose to move on leaving you with these explanations as to "what" "why" and "how" in these blogs - and the rest of the world will just have to live with my official reply to the unanswered matters with this final statement concerning them:

"No Comment!"

Magic - Music Video Featuring Logan & Barry Prince

2010-10-18T08:46:00.002-04:00

Come, Walk with Me

2010-10-16T14:29:00.002-04:00

As a parent, I've stood by many times, knowing my oldest child (Logan) was lying to me -and- worse yet, in one instance, to the point he was trying to convince himself. The sad thing is that in order for him to believe himself, he needed to rearrange the truth I already knew because I am an experienced adult that has lived longer, traveled far and done many things. God love him though... he stuck to his story for almost 6 months.... that is until his own art, became reality.

Oh, but how time can change things. Logan now being older, wiser and more experienced both in the art of life and even story telling, has now fallen to frustration of his younger brother, Barry... thats because Barry, knew his bothers one little secret, that could bring his older brother to his knees.

You see, the kids and I have been playing a game on the Wii for some time that you have to grow your character and earn experiences, items and develop the character over time. Now I have been playing this game A LOT more than they had. As a result, had grown my character accordingly, over time. About 6 months ago, some how, Logan more than out paced me by 2 fold. He never would confess to my suspicions... although, being an avid player of the game for a few years, I knew better - and I knew better than to corner him on it. Barry however, did.

Barry exercising discipline and strategy over his opponent, took the high road. He had been watching me play, and already had an example of what he wanted to do with his character - knew it would take time and put in the hours to get it done. Logan, didn't - so when Logan one day bragged about how his character was equal to Barry's, his little 7 year brother let him have it with both barrels...

The kids have been going to Karate and playing other sports - learning the value of discipline, integrity and team work... that being said...

Last night, Logan comes to me, and tells me, "Mom... I'm sorry."

I said to him, "...for heaven sakes what for?"

He says, "I used a code a friend gave me to develop a character that HE already had groomed way ahead, and just changed everything to my own name."

"I know..." I said.

He says to me "Why didn't you ever bust me on it?"

I said "Let me ask YOU something...why did you bother to tell me"?

Thinking for a second, Logan says, "Well, Barry has been playing the game for over a year now, and he has developed his character almost as good as mine - and he's really good at it... and he knows all the secrets to the game cause he's found them all... and I don't know any of them..."

I said, "...so who did you REALLY cheat then?"

"He said, "well... I guess me :( "

Sympathetically I said "..well, then I'm not the one your REALLY apologizing too... huh?"

"no... I guess not." he says reluctantly.

I hug him, and then say, "...people will sometime extend you dignity, when they know your only lying to yourself, because they know saying anything to you will only make it worse. Thats because people will deny it harder and longer because they feel defensive to protect the lie. Eventually, it eats them alive... thats why I never said anything - I knew you cheated... but, I knew eventually you'd see the value in the effort that Barry and I have put in to developing our game experience... short cuts NEVER pay off - because you can't always buy your way out of trouble, nor try to justify yourself as the "same" as someone that HAS logged the hours to learn and play the game. Think about your Karate classes - how would you feel if someone on their first day was GIVEN a Black Belt? Now think about if that person said they were the same or better than you?"

"Well that wouldn't be the same - because I had to go to years of school, pay lots of money and work hard - I have to make a commitment to the discipline and endure pain and dedicate my time to it... and they just walk in, buy a belt and say they are the same as me?... thats not fair!" Logan exclaims.

"Your right... its NOT the same" I said. "But there will ALWAYS be someone that needs or will try to make you feel LESS, so they can continue to delude themselves into thinking they're equal, or more.

Logan says "Well, I'd really like to start over?"

I said "Sure... but you'll loose everything you put into this character..."

Logan shrugged "I've got to start somewhere... what do I need to do?"

I smiled - hugged him, and said, "...come on - walk with me".

Pieces Left Behind

2010-10-13T17:01:00.001-04:00

Hurting... Good bye trees – I planted you when I bought this house… I will never enjoy the shade I once thought I would. Good-bye Barn – I built you from a thought in my mind, and now I must leave you behind. Good-bye workshop – I built you with my father in the hopes one day my sons and I would sit together and build model airplanes together. Good-bye rooms – I bought this home thinking one day it would be filled with families at Christmas. Good-bye basket ball hoop – I installed you when I learned I was going to be a father of a son – I thought one day I would play one-on-one with him while we shared our stories together. Good-bye job – You took good care of me – I don’t deserve you – there are more people who want this job who are going to lose theirs so I could stay where I am not wanted or wanting to be… so take good care of them instead as you have looked after me. Good-bye dents in the walls put there by my children when they were babies, playing with their toys – once I was mad about, now I cry when I see. Good-bye city… Good-bye security, good-bye Mr. Destiny… I choose the unknown. Good-bye my dream woman… Good-bye home…

PINKessence Lapel Pin

2010-09-06T16:04:00.000-04:00

Message in a Bottle, Answered

2010-08-27T14:28:00.024-04:00

I was in the middle of a back alley ghetto, doing phone work.

For those that do not follow my blog usually, or my posts, I will add that I am a phone tech, and it is my job to go, well, everywhere and at all times of the day, and night. As a male, I never gave (as much?) thought to this, as I do now - which is considerable.

At first, I thought it was just my usual fears of the unknown - part of transitioning. But, My fears are crystallized when I go to my managers at work for anything, and they do nothing to accommodate me as a woman - where they would otherwise (and have) for other women.

I'm not saying I or women can't do this job - what I am saying is, that the dynamics have changed for which the elements around me need to be reconsidered. If a woman is to work alone at night in an ally, a manhole or down a dark lonely country road where a cell-tower needs repaired, they wouldn't for a second think twice about sending a partner or backup or even someone else that is better fit for the geographical location.

I have asked time and time again to be relocated or given a different position in this VAST enterprise, but yet, there has been NO ONE to offer me an accommodation to do so.

After you have surgery like GRS, FFS, it takes more than a few weeks, even months to get back to even 80%. Its been 2 years for me, and in that time, I also had a revision... so really, its only been 1 year since my last round of being under the knife. I am just now getting back to 90% where I used to be physically. Your body and abilities change after GRS. Hot flashes are horrible for some of us - I am one of those people who suffer from them and because I have Klinefelters, it is difficult to get a set regimen on my hormones to combat this constant fluctuation of endocrine. Would an air conditioned Van at work be to much to ask for - apparently, it is. That is, if it comes at the cost of taking it from someone with higher seniority.

For 11 years almost now, I have work outside in the elements - dealing with extreme conditions - no AC, no nuttin, but just sucking it up and doing it. That's just how it is...

Well, I can't do that anymore. I'm physically & mentally failing. I know this sounds like a cop out. Sorry. Each day, I am coming home, burnt out from the stress of trying to keep up where I just can't. I can't quit cause its all we have for money right now.

The good news is, someone whom works for AT&T sent a link to my Facebook post into AT&T's LGBT group, "LEAGUE". Someone from there contacted me today through our internal Email inquiring if they could help and that they had connections in the AT&T "Job Accommodations" department.

My response:

"...praise the lord."

Here is a copy of my Original Facebook Post:

I'd be lying if I said wasn't a little nervous right now. This is part of the job I fear - feeling vulnerable as a woman - I can't always go or do the same things I did as a guy, at least without the same sense of security I once had of not being raped, or worse. AT&T won't listen to my concerns... I've tried. I've expressed my personal problems with being in an unfriendly, unproductive and uncomfortable work environment as well as expressing my concerns of personal safety on the job. Today, I'm working alone in a back alley of a ghetto... Maybe it's all in my mind... But I get the feeling I've become the forbidden fruit. No one wants to help me and even strategizing an exit plan has fallen on def ears. I think their just waiting for the apple to fall from the tree :(

God please, rescue me.

Spectacular Spectacle: Crossing "Over" Dressing

2010-08-08T11:00:00.009-04:00

I was looking over some different photos posted on Facebook today by other TG's that are now out full time. One person in particular had some very good pictures (mostly of herself in everyone of them) from all around the world as she travels for business. What stood out the most when I look at them, is that she was very out of place for the way she was dressed, hair (wig) was salon groomed, and the amount and type of make-up she wore, over done.

I was thinking this morning when I got up, I take for granted that I do not have to worry about my beard anymore... or other issues of passing. However, in those first years, I felt that, every time I went out, I wanted to make the most of EVERY moment to express my new lease on life to dress and "be" feminine in my presentation.

Looking over this woman's pictures, in most of them, she'd be wearing what I would consider business attire for a board room, or a female attorney to wear to court in many poses from all over - from the side of the high way, to the woods, to the beaches.... there she was - looking spectacular among the slums of little china town, and not at all fitting in with her environment or the other common appropriate dress of geographical area, temperature, let a lone for the beach.

People sometimes wonder why they stand out looking like a "GenderVariant Individule" (GVI) - this is the reason. Most women do not do these things, unless you are Ms.Roper from 3's company or Tammy Faye Baker.

Granted - there are times where you will be on your way to somewhere and you just happen to click a picture and it looks out of place - but, this is not the case of the behavior I am describing.

For many Part time GVI's, they feel "any" opportunity to get out "dressed", (even if its to pump gas), its FINALLY the chance to wear those rhinestone jeans with white heels... The Part-time GVI''s are not alone - I have noticed even some Full-time pre/post-op TransWoman doing this, as well. That is to say, rather than being practical, they HAVE to put on their makeup, earrings -and- make sure their nails are done before they can even get up to do lawn work in the morning.

When one goes out to dinner, a comedy club, dancing, theater, conferences, dates... these are the things I would consider ladies (and guys) get gussied up for.

I just had to pause at these pic's - not because she looked bad , not becasue she didn't pass, not becasue she wasn't beautiful... she was. It was because this was another form of cross dressing behavoir - Its what I refered to as "Crossing OVER Dressing". Its when someone has (or is) working on going Full-time and is still expressing themselves through their clothes for validation or plain out right reaction of others, and are not yet comfortable with who they are to just "be" themselves and slip on a t-shirt, shorts and head out and mow the lawn, without having to put on a show for... well... themselves.

I've caught myself doing this... and even NON-GenderVariant people too.

Goodmorning... AT&T Phone Lady here to fix your DSL!

2010-06-12T07:45:00.004-04:00

I started the day bright and early - I'm skipping lunch today, all so I can get off early and catch a plane to meet my friend LoriAnne in Tampa Florida later this evening.

Both Lori and I share the same dream of owning a business and working for ourselves. An opprotunity has presented it's self in Sarasota, which she has asked me to acompany her to consult and examine. The opprotunity interests me very much because it is in line with what I was thinking of starting and building up to give others in need, a job.

My job at the phone company has become a situation that is more of "survival" or being on strict double secret probation - rather than one of mutual growth & development. It's personally damaging and toxic. I want to break out and make it on my own... I know I can do it, given the chance.

Iron Man

2010-06-08T12:00:00.004-04:00

It's raining...

Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamt my ReAssignment surgery was reversing it's self. Panic stricken, I flew back to Thailand where I found myself once again in Dr. Suporn's exam room.

"...I'm sorry Chloe. There is nothing I can do" is what the Doctor said.

Unsatisfied, I flew back to the states. Dr. Christine McGinn calls me at home and says "I can fix you!"

I fly to Philly PA and she admits me to the operating room. The surgical table was standing upward and she told me to stand in front of it where I was strapped in.

The doctor looks at me and says "Ready?"

She hits a button and "POOF", I am suited up as Iron Man

I said "WTF! I have to have a penis AND live as Iron Man too??"

That's how I feel... Even though I have transitioned, I'm still expected to be Iron Man. When I try to be myself, i'm ostracized. It's the suit they want... Not the human inside. :(

My First Mothers Day

2010-05-09T11:35:00.005-04:00

My sister (Laura), mother (Linda) and me, toast mothers day 2010. This is my new favorite pic. It symbolizes something that I never would even dare dream could ever be - me, sitting with my mother and sister who I love so much, and be accepted as another woman and mom in our family. Its love... and a welcome new beginning from a long road home.

I love you momma!

So Long, And THANKS for all the Fish

2010-01-12T12:58:00.005-05:00

Over the past few days, I have been doing alot of reading on the subject of Community building in preparation to give one of the two works shops I am scheduled to do at First Event in Boston this week. The Workshop I am working on right now is "Community Building".
While doing my research, I decided to do a Google search of my name. Being "Out" and on TV along with founding PINKessence and journaling in my Blog "Pink Thoughts" has definitely put my name out there for better or worse. Without naming names - upon doing my search, my Profile came up towards the top on one of the largest exclusive Trans Social Networks / Hook-up sites.

Admittedly, I do not, nor have I ever used this site – but did have a profile there to guide others to find PINKessence and my Blog . However, many people have and do use this site, as it is the most well know and largest site for connecting Transgendered people (mostly to their Admires), or other wise. I know that alot of people have a special kinship to this site - so I want to make clear, that I am not condemning this site as bad place, nor posting this as a citation for others to follow. Its just that I have taken a personal issue and chosen not to participate for my own reasons. I feel sad to go, because, in many ways this site has served as the mothership for many of us as an invaluable resource. That is something to be commended on - not condemned.

I clicked on my profile, and the first thing you see is "She-Male" ads running along side my profile picture and various other references to Adult Material. Now, I am not a prude - just someone trying to protect my children and my image too. My son Logan now has a computer and supervised Internet access in our home and at school. I ask myself, what would my son think of me when he clicked on that link? What would my mother (who I KNOW searches the internet about me) think about that page? Would she be proud? Would she be closer to understanding who I am?

I "DO" believe there is a place for this type of material, whether it be for so called "SheMale" porn, or Tranny-Games... whatever your kink is... thats your business. But, that doesn't mean I will be a part of it and I am not going to allow my name and face to be used to promote such ads.

Here is the letter I wrote to the site in reference for removal of my profile.

--Snip--

Dear XXXX,

I am leaving because I do not like the fact that this site has Adult material on it. I am not saying this is wrong or right - only that I do not wish to be part of a site at this time, where, when someone Googles my name, they click on my XXXX profile and there's "SHEMALE SEX ADS" along side my pictures and profile.

I want to be clear that I do not have a personal problem with the owners of this site - infact, I respect them very much - however, I am making a personal choice that I believe is right for me. I have been on TV and promote my own site and I have children that are young. However, one day, their friends may look me up on the internet, and I want to be sure (as best I can) that I do not align myself with anything that is Adult X rated material or sends the wrong message about who I am or what I am.

It is because of this, that I have never participated on this site. I feel sadden to have to leave. But, the time is come that I do.

It is now time for our own community members to run OUR OWN sites and control our own media and image. Not outsiders who will use us to sell advertisement to make money and support their website revenue. There are other ways to make money - but not at the cost of others dignity.

I wish you continued success and leave you with this personal appeal - Please remove ALL ADULT CHAT AND references of derogatory terms and images that serve to harm our Transgender community, our families and the future of our potential to forge alliances and friendships that will come to empower our community and understanding.

Respectfully,
-Chloe Prince.

--Snip--

In the past, I have received similar requests, and I always take them very serious. I am reminded that each site has a goal. PE's goal stems from the vision I have for the bubble I wish to create and live in. XXXX is the Bubble for which they and their users chose to participate in. Neither is wrong - just different venues.

When I give my discussion at First Event about building a community, I hope to open peoples minds to these types of thoughts.

Our community needs more bridges than we do barriers - More examples rather than boundaries - More guidelines than strings tethering us to stereotypes of men in dresses.

Some feminists say PINKessence (and myself) are stereotypes also -AND- people have left PE because of it, or down right refused to participate. A while back many of you wrote personal appeals for me to send to a well know activist and voice in our community to Join PINKessence. Her response back to me was short, but to the point. "No. Thank you Chloe” and “ ...I’m an equal opportunity denier". [sic]

Others "mainstreamers" (but not all) have joined PE, and then left again. For a long time this confused me as to why. Now I understand. Because each person has a path they must not only choose, but also keep clear for their baggage behind them to follow along. Mine being my children's future at stake. For some extreme Feminists and spouses among our community, PE is often viewed as a jagged pill of stereo-types and I’m the mayor of Pantyville.

I guess to each their own. I realize now that not everyone is going to like me, PE or others that follow in my example. That’s fine. I am not keen on all the people that go around looking like a Sage or the white wizard of Lord of the Rings and call themselves a woman… but that’s my opinion. I enjoy being a girlie girl – and that’s not euphoria, its just my personality. To those feminists that label me a stereo-type “I'm sorry being myself, is a problem for you - but you bug the hell out of me (and many) too". And to those that think you’ve out grown PE because it hinders your path of being taken serious as a woman – peace be with you… So long, and thanks for all the fish.

I Wanna Go Home

2009-12-19T23:13:00.007-05:00

It’s been some time…
…yet here I am.

So, what have I learned? I know what is hurting inside me now… and that is, I miss the true innocents of my mothers love. I realize now though, that sometimes, you can never go home.

My mother turned 60 this year – That’s still pretty young in my book. Even so, I don’t think there is a day that goes by, I don’t hold my breath waiting to hear even just once, my mother say, I love you, Chloe. I fear that day will never come.

Things just aren’t the same… but how can they be? I so badly want her to know how much I love her. Yet, I don’t know how to show or tell her, in a way that isn’t self-serving. I hate feeling so selfish about this… selfish in that, I need her love to validate me as real.

I see now where I went wrong with my mother though. I assumed… No… I expected her to just “accept, and love me” because I am her child… I’m such a fool.

For the past month, I have been haunted by a terrible dream. In the dream, my eldest son Logan has died. When I am dreaming, I understand completely how and why this has happen, but yet, when I wake, I can never remember why or how it has happened - only that, I know I just dreamt he was gone… and even though I am now awake… and even though I don’t know why he died in my dream, the pain from the fear of him being gone has washed over me in the form of night sweats and tears, that soak my pillow.

I am alone most days where I work as a technician for the phone company. Having a lot of time to think about things in silence, I’ve been so distracted by these dreams that they consume my thoughts to the point they bring me real pain. The result of all this has brought into focus the thoughts and feelings of my mother.

I was very hurt that my mother never accepted me… but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go.

In my dream with Logan, I am so grief stricken, that, I remember my youngest son Barry (6) comes to console me – saying anything he can to get my attention. Yet, I am driven into the depths of angst even worse when I realize I can feel no love for Barry because Logan is gone… I can feel no love for myself, or anyone else. I am so grief stricken that I am brought to my knees, unable to breath. “he’s gone…” My life, is over… I have lived for nothing. All that I am or ever would be has been taken away. I want to die.

Then I wake, crying…

Rene tries to console me now… “…the dream again?” she asks. My thoughts crystallize… “…this must be how she felt…” I sob… “Who?”, Rene says. I turn to her shoulder and cry… “My Mom.”

The 123's of ABC in Review

2009-07-28T15:41:00.039-04:00

Its been one week and Rene and I have read your comments and have complied a list of questions most asked. So we will try to address them here.

Before we get started, you must keep in mind that ABC compiled 1000’s hours of tape while following our lives the past year. In the end, they used 48 minutes of this material – some of which was used out of its original context from which it was taped. Rene and I did NOT have any editorial control, nor did we get to see the final product before it aired. That being said, understand, the footage was used to tell a story from the producers points of view.

Klinefelter’s Syndrome & the bee sting.

During our interviews (which lasted hours each), both Rene and I gave accounted details for how this all happened, but ABC did not use that footage. It would have helped to support the story – that, and the use of a leading expert on TV. ABC was referred to both a Doctor by myself, and was also given a leading expert from Harvard University to offer credibility to the story. Michelle Angelo (the therapist in the episode) herself referred ABC to this Harvard University Specialist who, in fact, DID verify all the information given and said YES, this is accurate, and not beyond the realm of possibility. Why ABC did not put that specialist on TV to (at very minimum) offer testimony and credibility of what Klinefelter’s is and how it affects the body, is beyond me. I can understand why some want to pull me off the carpet for a panty check. However, even just having an expert in the show to touch on what XXY is, would have confirmed to the public the credibility of the syndrome.

Usually, XXY is caught at birth in this day in age. However, it wasn't always checked for when I was born in 1971, unless there was a reason to do a chromosomal count. Today, chromosome are checked when a baby is born for any variation or abnormality. Having XXY is NOT a birth defect or a disease – it’s simply ONE in close to 100 human chromosomal variations.

Many males are given testosterone to counter the physical ramifications that XXY causes – Breast development, muscle and hair development on the body, etc. However, there is no widely accepted long-term study that proves “testosterone” has any significance in changing, or holding too ones gender identity they feel in their mind.

Something that was lost on the editing room floor when I explained why I made the choice I made in NOT taking testosterone, was that I was dealing with “2 separate issues”. Yes, I was diagnosed 46/47 XY/XXY Mosaic, however, I also have Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID). Having GID is a “mental health” issue and is completely unrelated issue to having a “physical” issue like Klinefelter’s.

The reason I did NOT take testosterone was a personal choice because I felt that the changes that were happening to me were congruent to how I felt in my mind. It is not recommended taking testosterone if you are diagnosed as a Male to Female Transgendered person or Transsexual, having GID. Even though the physical aspects would be helped with these testosterone injections, it is not proven that it would align ones mind to these changes. For personal reasons, I choose to allow nature to take its course. I’m not right or wrong for this choice – it was simply natural for me to allow my body to do what it was designated on a chromosomal level to do.

Why should I have to take something that everyone else wants me to conform to, but feels like poison to me? That is not anyone else's decision but my own - and unless you have lived a day in my skin, one should not judge me for my choices. I did the best I could in a situation where there is no manual, except to have faith in myself, and what I know I could live with. This and much more was on tape with ABC – but it was chopped.

I understand the feelings of other transgendered people – the argument is, some people will now think/feel that if someone doesn’t have Klinefelter’s or other physical need to transition, then why should they? This is completely off base. As I said before, and on TV, I have always felt a gender variance and expressed it privately by cross dressing (Way before I knew I had Klinefelter’s). Anyone that identifies as transgendered or gender variant, all arrive under the umbrella "transgender" through a unique perspective and set of circumstances. The diagnoses of Klinefelter’s did, in fact, act as a final catalyst for me to start taking steps towards identifying as “Chloe”. I won’t apologize for that – only say, this is my reasoning and everyone has their own, which is no more or less valid… just unique.

As for the Bee Sting – During the interview, Rene herself gave an account for this. After I was stung, I was rushed to the emergency room by Rene. I was having a terrible reaction to the poison which was causing breathing restrictions, swelling, and a violent reaction to my endocrine system. I was given hormones & Epinephrine to counter this reaction. After about an hour, the reaction was normalized and I was referred to my local doctor. There I was given a Blood test in the hopes they could help give me treatments to build my immunity to bee stings. My local doctor referred me to a Endocrinologist based on the blood test results. My Endocrinologist ordered a series of tests, including a Karyotype test and another Blood sample. From these results the Endocrinologist diagnosed me as having a Chromosomal variation known as Klinefelter’s Syndrome. At this point the doctor gave me the options of taking testosterone injections, but at this point of the diagnoses, I had not begun to feel any physical changes (yet). My thinking was, after 32 years of living as Ted, I seen no point to taking them to change anything about myself - especially to make myself more masculine looking! Eeww!!

6 Months later, I began to see unexpected changes in my body, which included breast development. Now I had always been cross dressing to this point privately, however, with these changes, came a sense of clarity for me. I felt blessed with these changes… but at the same time, it was a curse too. People around me began looking at me strange, as if I was sick or had cancer. I started to have to bind my breasts at work or when visiting family and friends.

As time went on, I worried more and more – I didn’t know what to do – "should I take testosterone and make everyone else happy?", I would think to myself... Or continue on making me happy? (Which the development was making me happy) I know it was selfish, but for the first time ever, I finally felt “normal” with these changes - like the person I was meant to be.

Still I sought out council with a therapist, and over time, began to accept who I am without guilt for it. I began to understand that, others will always want me to be something for themselves or others – but I am the one that has to live comfortably with me. I can’t be the best I can be internally and mentally, when I am in conflict.

The bee sting was just a catalyst, again, that brought into focus something that was always there. Blood tests taken over time showed that my testosterone levels resumed, but produced less amounts than before and instead, increased the levels of estrogen produced. Again, hormones (testosterone) was offered to counter this – however, I refused for personal reasons.

At this point, I started seeking out support from local cross dresser groups, looking for answers to my identity. It wasn’t long after that, that I started to segment off portions of my "boy life" and started living a 2nd secret life being “Chloe”. It was difficult to keep going back and forth all the time – and in time, I decided I couldn’t do that anymore. So, I choose what made me most happy – a choice I knew I could live with the rest of my life, come what may.

In fairness to the producers of ABC, in trying to tell this very difficult story with it's multi layers of issues, did some thing’s inadvertently some injustice. However in the allotted, and depth of understanding (from an outsiders perspective) of the subject matter, I think they did the best they could, given the circumstances. I have received so may positive emails from the majority of the community - still there are some left with mixed emotions - some being sadness to anger. All these things in my opinion are good. I asked ABC to NOT make a fluff piece. Transition is NOT pretty and people are going to be upset and angered. It needs brought out on the table for people to dicsuss and see the problems we face so that we can all examine it and work as a society to improve the process and offer more options. I give ABC alot of credit. They did their homework and I know first hand that the producers poured in countless hours of their time to make this piece a good as they possible could. Will there be more - LETS HOPE SO! And lets also hope its not another Scripted Trans-person on TV hocking their book "Poor me, Now What?", or a guy in a dress on Jerry Springer giving "Shout Outs" to their Mama back home. "Look Ma' I'm on T.V.!"

The Ex Girlfriend

Another issue that I felt was WAY off base, was the “Girlfriend” being visited. ABC left the perception that I made “the perfect excuse’ to go see an old girl friend to do some soul searching and find validation. This was and is a complete spin job.

The truth is, I was in Washington DC to support The National Center for Transgendered Equality (NCTE) lobby days (Photo Right). Over 100 people from around the country descended in on Washington to Lobby the Senate and the House on behalf of the ENDA bill and the Hate Crimes Prevention Act. I had reconnected with an old girlfriend (Jennifer) on Facebook prior to this trip and told her I was coming to Washington to Lobby. She offered her support to me while I was there. Jennifer actually attended our dinner and had the chance to meet our community and become familiar with our issues. ABC only showed you the portion when I met up with her for the first time WHILE LOBBYING FOR RIGHTS! It was NOT to make a love connection – sheesh! Rene knew about this meeting WAY before I even went to DC and was supportive of me meeting an old friend.

I should also clarify that when I said in the interview “I felt the love I once had for her rise back to the top”, I meant that as “I was seeing her through Ted’s memories” and I remembered what it was like being in love with her... I remember the old feelings because she is still the same wonderful person I remembered. I paused and considered what my life would have been like had I married her – I pondered: “Would I’ve done this, and what would her life be like?”… THAT too was left out of the interview on the edit room floor. Instead, it came across as me making the insinuation that it was Rene’s fault for not being enough of a woman to keep me from transitioning – which is completely wrong. I would have transitioned no matter what… and that is why I said it was a “fleeting moment”… Not because I was considering dating Jennifer or that I needed to examine that prospect.

I spoke to Jennifer about these thoughts and she too felt the same – that life worked out the way it was meant to be. Jen did offer a lot of validation to me in the fact that she was one of the rare friends from my past who accepted me unconditionally and reached out to give her support. That’s worth noting, and respect.

Where did the money come from?

Another issue for some was how I paid for the surgery. Not that this really should have even been on TV, but since it was… The fact is, I and Rene have good jobs that pay above average. We owned assets and multiple properties and have retirement accounts too. Rene, being 9 years older than me, has built her own 401K that far exceeds my own. We have never had combined accounts and each of us agreed to separate bills and accounts in the beginning of our relationship. When Rene was asked about the money and she responded “Where did she get it?”, it caught her off guard because we do not keep an accounting over each others finances.

ABC asked for a number on how much was transition, in total? Adding it up in my mind it came to $70,000+. However, it was not included in the show that this money was taking into largely consideration that my employers insurance paid for my therapy, hormones and doctor office visits. The rest was covered by myself, which was still considerable. However, I do not have a car payment, and both my vehicles are 1997 and a 2000. I considered the money I borrowed from my 401k as a new car payment that I was paying back to myself… and felt justified in that. I have since paid that loan off. The show left the viewer with the impression that we are in financial straights because Rene lost her job (due to outsourcing). And I won’t lie, its been tight, but we're managing. She is looking for work, and if she cannot find one soon, we’ll make more adjustments. But by no means are we up the creek with out a paddle. I think its fair to note that I took this loan out 2 years before she lost her job or we had any indication she was going to lose her job.

Rene herself has the freedom to handle her own finances and she does without question from me… why is that a problem if I do the same? Again, it was more dramatic to “Que the sinister piano music” and make it appear that the big bad crossdressing daddy spent the family jewels on, well, the family jewels.

Children on TV was another hot debate. This admittedly was a personal decision for Rene and I. In the end we came to the conclusion that the children would be better off knowing the truth up front, and not living with a secret. The fact that EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW was left out of the TV program. Our kids have always been “out” for having 2 moms, for which one is known to be their Dad. The children’s school, our church, and neighborhood have ALL known all along. There is no secret. We felt this was best, and yes, there have been a few isolated instances that we had to deal with on a case by case bases – BUT – overwhelmingly, our kids self esteem is what’s important, and they do not go through life carrying a secret or trying to hide anything. They do not have to worry about losing anyone as a friend if someone finds out, because everyone already knows. That is a choice that Rene and I had to make together. Only in the long run will we know if it was the right one – but to date, it has been the correct choice. We deal with the issues as they come, but don’t lose sight over the fact that over all, the choice is working, and there will be an idiot that comes along every once and awhile… that’s true in any regard no matter the situation.

I would also like to point out a view point that was voiced by someone else i read on another site, and that is: No one had a problem with the Children from the Award winning documentary "No Dumb Questions" being put on TV when their uncle was transitioning. Why am I considered a horrible parent and "using my kids" for doing the same thing?

Damn the torpedo's!

There was also the perception that I made the decision to transition with out any notice or choice given to my wife. This also was left on the edit room floor. I started Transitioning 3 years before I had surgery. Each step was another death for Rene. I would go to Rene and discuss it, and of course her answer was always HELL NO! I could only live with this answer so long – I told Rene if she didn’t start budging or coming around to the fact, that I felt it was time we needed a divorce. Rene would always say “fine”, but never follow through, and in the end, she would come to terms with it, usually because she felt she was trying to keep the family together. I tired to assure her that I would support her and the kids, and that it would be best for all involved, but she didn’t want a divorce.

It was after this, I finally proceeded forward knowing that I had offered her the solution, and she didn’t take it. So I did what I had to do to be comfortable with myself. Selfish? Yes… on both our accounts. But I think it was the right choice, because we ARE making good progress together (now), and feel very close to one another.

Rene doesn’t consider herself as a lesbian. On Camera she said she has never had intimacy with me – but this is a few shades from the truth. If there is a word for what we are, it would be Transbians, at minimum. Of course, when your dealing with putting things out on TV where everyone you know is watching, it’s not something you wish to own - No one wants to spill their own (T) on TV. But those that know Rene and I, know better.

On a final note

We have given our story, and the information to those that needed to verify it, and they have done so to the degree they felt comfortable enough to go forward on TV with it. Some Trans-People feel so personally invested in any main-stream media that comes out on the subject, and will be offended or attack it, if that subject mater is not scripted politically correct to their brand of thinking. Some feel a story like this unglues their truth they've sold to the public. Instead of trying to properly compartmentalize this story from their own it will be attacked or discredit because the very idea challenges main stream views being sold as a catch all for what it means to be Transgenderd. The reality is, everyone is unique and each of us have our own unique story to tell.

Also, I’m not a feminist nor scholar. As such, I'm not overly sensitive to being watchful for stereo-typical things I may do out of innocence, or other wise… I know I have big boobs... and I’m proud of them. I admit too, that I like wearing clothes that show my flirtatious nature. I enjoy wearing make-up, but most days you will find me NOT wearing any at all. I don’t define my life or regard myself a female because of these things either. They’re just things I enjoy and if that makes some feminist feel like kicking in a window, I can understand why they feel that way but would ask them to kindly get over themselves and go sell anti-avon somewhere else. The world doesn’t revolve around anyone person or group of person’s ideals or views. I on the other hand, admit I am a self centered and vane person - so, consider the source to any of this last paragraph. :)

I know my story adds something’s for other Transgendered people to have to explain to others to differentiate themselves from me… that’s ok, and I’m sorry for the added burden. But its true none the less, and its important to note that we all don’t arrive to presenting as our chosen gender in the same way – this, was my story.

We recieved over 700 emails privately in the first day alone that the special aired - even more since then, and even more in PinkEssence, and other social networks like MySpace, Facebook, and comments here in Blogger. Overwhelmingly, we'd estimate 95% of them are positive. One of them, was from a man, who had not spoke to his son that had transitioned in over 5 years. He writes, that, after the ABC show, he found a "new understanding". The man called his son and asked for “her” by name when he called… they have since met and are becoming reacquainted with one another. For Rene and I, and families like us, letters like this make the burden of scrutiny worth it.

In closing:

The issues addressed here we felt, if ABC had included or left in, would have made the program much better and satisfied the critics (mostly other trans people or their partners) of their concerns. Over all, we (and the letters we have received) feel that ABC did an outstanding job in trying to convey a very complicated subject on a transgendered couple, that has ever been done to date. ABC was not looking for another typical Trans story that would be scripted to avoid the Documentary Trans-Drinking Game. That's why they chose ours. They wanted sincerity and people that were not afraid to be vulnerable.

We hope in the end, that people will see that we tried our hardest just to be honest as we could be, baring in mind our children's and extended family's private lives... and understand, that honesty comes at a price of being challenged... We both feel that our story broke open the doors a bit wider for discussion in homes around the world - and for that we feel justified.

Thank you again to ABC for helping to bring this topic out into the public's eye for another look from a much different perspective.

If you missed the ABC Special, you can view them all here on Primetime's Website (At least for now). The series is broken up into separate sections, so I will provide all the links.

Good Morning America Promo:
http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8135131

Interview with Michelle Angelo:
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=8132230

Part 1
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=8141394

Part 2
http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8141488

Part 3
http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8141570

Part 4
http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8141704

Part 5
http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8141764

Part 6
http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8141810

ABC Photo Stream of Pictures from Show
http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/MindMoodNews/popup?id=8100642

Family Secrets: ABC Primetime - The Chloe Prince Story - July 21st 2009

2009-07-20T03:14:00.014-04:00

Thank you for tuning into my webcast, which follows up on the ABC Special "Family Secrets"

I want to make VERY clear something. The story told on ABC Primetime does NOT represent all transgendered people. It is my families story only, and each transgendered person should be given unique consideration. Therefore, I will ONLY be discussing OUR story... not offering comment, or offering opinions to the transgendered community or other transgendered individuals.

There has been some questions regarding my Chromosomal variance "Kleinfelters Syndrome" (KS) also know as 47 XXY.

I am a 47 XXY "Mosaic" KS person. The ABC piece did not make that clear enough, but makes a huge difference. Regular 47 XXY KS people are usually sterile, but Mosaic KS people are [in some cases] able to have children because not all their body's chromosomes are XXY. Rather, some chomosoms are just plain old XY.

Feel free to check out PINKessence - a Transgender Social Networking site I founded which is part of the NING network. PE is now over 1300+ members and growing strong. If you enjoy Facebook, you will enjoy some of the Facebook style features PINKessence has to offer you. Aside from the Transgender members, PE has many families, spouses, co-workers and supportive friends of the Transgender Community among its membership - feel free to give it a try! All are welcome to apply.

If you enjoy this webcast or my Blog, please consider joining my friends list here - also check out their pages as well (there are many more very unique and amazing sotries out there.)

www.ChloePrince.com

You can send me an Email at: chloeprince@sbcglobal.net

On Facebook? Join me & my friends on Facebook here!

Our family would like to again thank ABC studios for handling this story with sensitivity, and class. Thank you...

------Snip------

On July 21^st 2009, my family and I will be the focus of an ABC Primetime Television series called “Family Secrets”. The show centers around the rather unusual circumstance for transitioning my gender presentation from Male to Female, and how it has affected and changed the dynamics of those in my life.

I ask that you watch this episode with an open heart and open mind, reserve judgment, and understand this is only my story, and does not represent all Transgender or intersexed people.

For those that have written to me asking a lot of heavy handed questions, should be forewarned; this episode is not about exercising any agenda’s for the LGBT community. If you’re looking for political correctness or walls to be broken through by this story, you will be disappointed. However, if you are looking for the honesty told from compelling innocence, without bias or reservation to share, then you will want to look forward to the episode.

To prepare for the episode, I was given good media relations tips by people like Dona Rose, Jenny Boylan, Mara Kiesling and even Calpernia Adams. In December of 2008, I drove to New York and met with the ABC Producer, where we discussed the episode. There I was able to give my thoughts and ideas on how to best present our story and to also understand more about what I was getting into. Needless to say, before accepting the opportunity, we carefully discussed certain aspects that were important, like language, terminology, and other stereotypes that I wished to avoid – like putting on make-up in the mirror and the rolling up the panty hose scenes. I wanted to bring dignity to the subject, and therefore, only agreed to be on camera doing things any other woman would do normally.

Waxed Fruit

2009-07-19T03:00:00.007-04:00

Having been presenting now for 3 full years as a woman, and 1 year post-operatively having my body surgically aligned as close as I can ever appear to be a natal woman - I have noticed a behavior in the general public, that, I couldn’t quite understand… until now.

I think the problem with some, is that, sometimes, in trying to understanding me, and people like me, they have categorize me before giving me a chance and sampling the goods. I feel like I’m seen as nothing more than “waxed fruit” -- a mere prop -- beautiful on the surface, but with no real value, other than allowing it to fill a space in the background – accepting it’s not real, but still with a small purpose of reminding someone of what the “real” bowl of fruit once looked and tasted like.

I can’t justify how “female” I am on a day to day basis, because honestly, being female is an “identity thing”– not a hobby or physical thing. I think that idea gets lost among all the surface changes one goes through in a transition. People see you as selfish and self centered because you must take so many liberties to free yourself from a prison within your body. Someone very close to me recently said “…on the outside, you look the part – but on the inside, you’ll never know what it means to [be] or how a real female thinks”. I acknowledge that, and the fact they'll never understand what it means to be Trans. However, I never said I did know these things – only that I will spend the rest of my life living as close to that narrative as possible. It is YOU who are trying to hold me to some standard (again). That standard being a binary system of what a man and woman is or should be to themselves and in their approach to the world.

I won’t spend my life emulating or “femulating” what I think a woman is – because that would be making this transition “all about them” - rather, trying to satisfy what “they” expect of me. All my life I have felt a built in sense of being a failure. I spent years trying to live up to others expectations of what they thought I should be doing with my life – whether they seen it or not. I did everything I could to compartmentalize the feelings I had of being “girlie” into a closet of shame and denial for so long to protect others (not myself), that, when my own body betrayed me by changing my hormone balance, I felt betrayed when those around me pushed me away when I needed them most to understand and help me.

People will argue that transitioning was a choice. This statement [in its self] is selfish of others to say, because it unfairly glosses over so many other things to bring the conversation back full circle to “their” point, that, “I am a failure because I couldn’t live up to their expectations of what they believe is normal and a good life for me and my kids”. Talk about selfish and self centered?! If only they would take time to understand “My” point of view, and understand, “this is NOT about them.” I am sorry it affects others, and that they feel a sense of loss, etc. But again, that’s about them, and something they need to come to terms on because they are grieving a sense of loss on something they thought they had… they grieve a sense of loss on the part I played for them… but now they struggle to find the value of where I will fit into their lives now and how I will fulfill their expectations of what they want me to do FOR THEM and for others . I can’t help them with that, except to remain patient and hope for a day when they realize that I am the same person they always loved and liked, only the stationary has changed.

I have forgiven myself for not being perfect, and for those around me who also are not perfect. Letting go of hate, shame and guilt is much harder – but again, I am not perfect either. My surgeries have allowed me to be at peace with the stranger that once looked back at me in the mirror. I no longer feel like I was designed to fail – but the trade for that is failing to live to others expectations. That’s where guilt comes in – and boy oh boy have I carried my loads worth.

So now, I feel like a cornered cat with this ABC special that is coming out. So many people with so many opinions. Some good, some not so much. I’ve been asked, “why did you do it?” The short answer is “education”. I feel that my family will give a good inside to other families of America that #1, maybe going through the same situation, and are not alone. And #2 that may be if they see the crosses my family must carry now because of my situation, people will think twice before judging us, and unduly placing more crosses upon us to carry.

Would I do it again? HECK YES! Being on TV was fun, and YES, I liked the attention too… I am after all, a woman!!! But that wasn’t my motive. It was to bring a spot light onto a situation that is beginning to be all to common. Last year, a close friend of mine committed suicide after succumbing to the pressures of guilt and shame she put on her family from transitioning. These pressures were from outside forces. I hope this special honors her and will show the ones that loved her, or have suffered a similar loss, will inspire them to seek understanding and ground them to the fact that they are not alone.

Everyday people are coming out – and it won’t be long before its common place to see and know someone is trans… look at Chaz Bono! I think Cher and Chaz are awesome for the way they have handled themselves in the public, and in their private life too (what we know of it). I only hope Chaz will use the extra attention to bring awareness and out reach to a wider audience – That’s what I have been trying to do… and if you’re listening Oprah, I’m here! lol

I have dreams for myself and my family. I still want to go to work, raise my kids, love my spouse and fulfill her dreams too – but only with what I have to offer. I won’t be put into anyone’s box anymore and be given a leash into their lives. These are impossible situations that are one sided and I am distancing myself and family from things that are negative or make us feel shameful for who we are. No special invite nights for us, when everyone else is celebrating on another night. Instead, I’m surrounding myself with love and those that will support us – not make us feel “different”. My family and I are normal – just a variant of normal.

May be an outsider can’t see this right away for whatever reasons. But if you find yourself looking in, ask yourself, are you judging me by YOUR standards of what a quality life is or should be for me and my family? What makes you right or me right? I don’t feel anyone is wrong for how they feel, until they lay those feelings on top me as what should be my own. I am no less a human or worthy of love and peace than the next person, no matter who they pray to or who they love or how they look, or where they come from. What don’t we get? If I am selfish for being THAT, then call me selfish… but I tend to feel that others are selfish for holding me to their brand and calling me crazy if I don’t float like everyone else.

If you find yourself in these situations, no matter the side of the fence your on, I would like to invite you to sample this “waxed fruit” -- you may be surprised -- and by all means, feel free to eat me.

My 1 Year Post-Op Review

2009-05-22T12:04:00.008-04:00

It's hard to believe that just one year ago yesterday, I was laying in Dr. Suporn’s recovery ward in Thailand after having undergone FFS, hair grafts and GRS, all at the same time. The memories of it were brought back to me by a friend by the name of Patty Gardner who also had her GRS surgery just 2 days after mine, but visited with me in my room those first few hours of recovery. As it turned out, she called me last night to wish me a happy rebirth day as we recounted our experiences and had a good laugh too.

After 1 year Post op, here is what I know.

In my first few months home, I experienced some granulation growth in my vaginal cavity that made dilation (the thing you do to keep your new vagina from closing up like a new ear pierce) difficult. Still I pressed on, but was not able to maintain keeping my largest dilator in to expand the territory of width I needed to get to, to be able to have the possibility for comfortable sex. I have however, maintained my depth, and still do to this day, by using a smaller dilator. But it was necessary to purchase a smaller dilator than given to me by Dr. Suporn – which made it more comfortable of an activity for me.

If I tried using the larger dilators, the granulations would be come ulcerated and eventually infected – causing other issues. The compromise was the smaller dilator - but with that, came the tightening of the vaginal cavity -- which in its current state, makes having sex an uncomfortable, to impossible thought.

[Dr Suporn, Chloe Prince and Mrs. Suporn - Chonburi Thailand, May 2008]

Dr. Suporn guarantees all his work for life. Baring this in mind, some friends of mine all decided to have their GRS this year - so, being the instigator that I am, I coordinated it so we would all be over there at the same time. One of my friends put the idea in my head by offering to take me with her so she would have a travel companion. With the economy the way it is, and Rene being out of work, I myself was not going to be able to afford the time off from work nor the plane & hotel fair back to Chonburi Thailand. With the offer of my friend to take me, I would be able to join her on the journey. I’ll help her through those first few days that are so critical, then shortly after, I'll have a minor revision with Dr. Suporn to address the granulation and dilation issue.

Part of the revision will be to remove the hardened scar tissue ring that has developed around the P.C. Muscle from not being able to dilate it with the larger dilators. The revision will put me back on track to being able to be where I need so I can dilate and eventually, if I choose too, will be able to have comfortable intercourse by way of penetration.

I also had hair grafts done last year -- and they grew in AWESOME! But Dr. Suporn warned that this was ONLY round 1 of 2. That is because when he did my FFS, it left a scar from the incision line at the top of my forehead’s hair line and he was not able to put grafts over that fresh incision to cover the scar. Upon returning to Thailand this summer, I will finally have the 2nd round of grafts completed… and I can't tell you how happy I am for that, as it has been humbling having that scar there. I know many of you may not even notice it, but that’s because I cover it with my hair or use make up - but believe me, ITS THERE!

The scar is something I’ve learned to live with, but it took awhile… and it HAS humbled me. I really use to take for granted my looks... but once you have to WORK hard to maintain them, it changes your outlook on yourself, and how you see others in every day situations, fighting battles within themselves... and you learn to be a more understanding and a human person.
There were many days I looked into the mirror and just cried because of that scar line... I wondered if it would ever go away or could ever be completely covered... Its the first thing my eyes go to whenever I see a photo of myself or in the mirror. I hate it... I hate it more than I hated not having a vagina. It reminds me, “…be careful what you ask for girl - you may just get it.”

The hair grafts themselves are now about 5 inches long - it takes time for them to grow in the beginning. And oh, do they look so natural; but they didn't always. In those first few months, the hair follicle sheds the actual hair, and for a short time, the area looks bare {yikes!} - you start to think, “WTF!?!? …did I just waste my money AND my own hair?” But, in time, they begin to grow, and the first hairs that do grow, comes out a bit kinky and coyly. After about 6 months the follicles begin to seat themselves in and the hair begins to grow straighter and straighter.

In the beginning, the hair graft follicles can become impacted from the skin trying to heal closed over top them -- they boil up like anything else -- and well, its painful, gross and you have to excise the boil just like any other pimple or boil. I would say darn near 25% of the 1000 grafts I had done DID boil up on me -- it seemed like for months that I always had what looked to be pimples in my scalp line. 1 Year later and I still get one or 2 here or there -- and that is because the new pore that has formed from these grafted follicles being implanted are not the same as your natural hair shaft pores, and they can get filled very easily with oil and gunk from hair product -- causing them to becoming ingrown or infected. With each day that passes, it becomes less infrequent - but with my job where I work outside – in addition to sweating, I’m exposed to the elements and dust. This makes it more challenging for me to heal those grafts, than say for instance, other people who don’t work under these conditions.

Once my GRS revision is complete -- I expect to be up and around in a day or 2 based on other’s experiences -- then I’ll under go another 500 grafts to finally cover that damn scar that seems to have robed me of my self confidence at times.

And orgasms. I've definitely had my share. I have to say, that its so much easier and more powerful having a female orgasm. Pre-Op, I could not imagine not being able to have an orgasm, because I could not fathom how it was all going to work.... that’s cause the only reference to sexual stimulation I had was tied to my penis, and the processes of making all THAT business work. Not knowing this, was a fear that for a long time held me back from deciding to go forward. It took many people sharing their stories to give me the faith in myself to add to my decision to go forward – come what may.

Today, I feel so foolish and giddy because now I see that in reality, the penis really was only in the way. With the penis removed, my clitoris is a raw center of nerves, completely exposed without the coverings of the unnecessary tissue that is a penis. The clit is in my experience, 100x more sensitive than my penis ever was -- it doesn't take anywhere near as much to "get there", and when you finally do -- let me tell you -- It’ll literally redefine the word -and- meaning of “pleasure” in all known and unknown languages!

On Sex -- I make no secret to my spouse that I would some day like to experience sex with a man. I know this sounds selfish, nor is it what she wanted to hear, but she did ask.. and so, if I am being honest… well, that is honesty. So yeah… I’m curious to “know”.

I know not everyone needs these surgeries to be comfortable with themselves -- but I did. Nor do I think differently or any less of those that don’t or hasn’t had the surgeries… but understand, this is what was necessary for me. With that said, I can honestly say my new parts have helped me to become so much more in tuned with my sense of self being – no longer do I feel inadequate around females -- no longer do I need to “buy” or “blog” or “march” for my identity… with each day, I’ve learned to live within the new limits of my femininity and having these procedures has cured me of all “that”… that being, my need to express “Chloe” through an outward presentation that was based on clothes or cosmetics or hair. Now, no matter what I wear, I still feel like me -- and I’m comfortable with that – and I can be comfortable no mater what I drape on my body, because I know, underneath it all, the drapes will always match the rug.

[Adarabeth, me and a fellow patient friend]

ABC Primetime: The Chloe Prince Story

2009-05-06T16:05:00.005-04:00

Here is a sneak peek photo of me with ABC's Juju Chang in an up and coming ABC Primetime episode. Rene, my children and even my father take part in this hour long episode that will air this summer (date to be announced). Stay tuned - I am composing a new blog, but wanted to give you a sneak peek.

Rene & I would like to thank the Staff of ABC for bringing our story and the voice of our community into the homes of the American families with such sensitivity and class.

Mental Note: Never Trust Women with Chocolate!

2009-04-23T20:34:00.001-04:00

What good is sharing a life when the other side holds back? What good is fighting when the war is with yourself? What good is trying to hold your breath, when you are too far out to swim back?

Why go on?

When I thought I had no more tears, and walked my last lone mile, I turn a corner… only to start over again.

Why do you hurt me so much? Why can’t I hear anything you say – why do I dislike myself when I am around you? Life should not be this way - we deserve better.

When I get up in the morning, I’m not sure if I am sad, or just frightened. From the moment I wake, till the moment I sleep, I am on trial in your presence – the verdict has been rendered, but the jury never convenes. Held in contempt, day after day, night after night, for the same crimes against you – crimes to you… freedom for me. I once prayed for absolution, now I pray for my sentence… let me go - I don’t want to fight anymore!

I didn’t do this to hurt you… this is about ME! I’m sorry it has changed you, but to either end, it would have, regardless of my choices.

Why can’t you understand that you can’t have him anymore…. because, I simply don’t have any more boy to give…
… and I don’t want to live in your shadow, anymore.

That’s how I feel now when I’m with you… a shadow. No matter what I do, I’m still “him”, to you. And for the most part, to everyone else, I’ll forever be the husband that had a sex change – not Chloe the Wife, Mother, daughter or sister.

You make me “him”, just by being you… and that makes me jealous… because you over shadow my identity, instead of complimenting my own right of womanhood.

When you are with me and my children, I am no longer a mother… I feel invalidated and completely minimized by those that witness us, as nothing more than your burden of shame.

A surgeon’s knife cannot fix the ugly that I feel anymore, because in reality, its guilt that betrays me, not my mirror’s lies; Its being a nameless person in my mothers Christmas cards to her child… its sitting alone in my bedroom on New Years Eve with you also alone in another room, watching the same show. It is for being 3 feet away from me in bed, but a lifetime apart from feeling like home.

Your touch, your kiss, and the smile you make, are torture to me, because I still see through the same eyes as I always have – and in my eyes, you are my wife – that makes me still your husband. You won’t validate me as a woman, or as your wife… you won’t touch me and complete me physically as a woman… you look at me in return with the same eyes of a wife that has lost their husband to the sea; never really knowing what happen, or if he will ever return – hoping he is alive and dead at the same time – closure is what you pray for.

I’ve caught you musing at me in this "glazed over" lost in a daydream look once to many times to be immune to ignoring it.

You love me, and I love you. What is this that we don’t understand that makes us cry because we can not just, be…

…and then, just as the memories of our love fade to black, from behind me you set down the perfect little snack…

Why did I not see this coming? Is this why I go on? Is this why everything I have been through, and everything I endure, and why I keep coming back for more - because you put your love in all the little things you do?

Now how the hell can I be mad at you, without being a complete jerk for feeling the way I do? One chocolate heart drink completely trumps ANYTHING I have left to say... That's the power of a woman's mental "feminine ways"...

..and so I surrender to the drink, and reflect back on what I have learned... I take note: No matter how right any one is or choice of words they use, if you go up against a woman with Chocolate, you will lose!

The NEW PinkEssence!

2009-04-15T01:06:00.009-04:00

You may have been wondering why I have not been so active here on my Blog. Well, I've had a lot going on in my life right now and a few projects as well.

In 2006, I started PinkEssence. A humble Yahoo group with the aim to be nothing more than way for me to communicate with my new transgendered friends locally here in North East Ohio. However, it wasn't long until the group grew a large following, so I decided to give the group some purpose.

In the winter of 2007, I organized my first GNO (girls Night Out) at a little club named Lydia's in Akron Ohio. Lydia's was an LGBT "choose your label" type of bar - perfect for many first time out shy TGirls. I organized many more GNO's after that and also some outings to theater shows, Dinners and even BBQ's at my own home.

Thinking more about it, I decided to start a chapter for each state and see if they would grow. I meant people Like Leigh Symthe from IL, Debbie Dunkle from VA, and Melissa Pink (now Alexander) from WV. These girls were the first peopel to really believe in PinkEssence adn really helped it to grow to what it is becoming today - a nationally know Transgendered social group.

After transition, everyone thought I would just walk away from PinkEssence. Others (Especially my Post-Op Peers) thought PinkEssence was just a Cross Dressers group. So, I set out to find away to bridge this gap and bring PinkEssence into the year of MySpace and FaceBook.

Using the NING Network, I designed and set up a new site for PinkEssence to be a fully operation Transgendered Social Network. (See Photo).

The sight has many of the bells and whistles of FaceBook, but without all the clutter of FaceBook.

I invite you to take a look at the new site. If you have tried PE before when it was a Yahoo group, then do yourself a favor and try out the new site - I think you will be surprised!

Anyone can set up a network or a website... but I put my name and my reputation on PinkEssence. I have traveled to conferences, stayed up late night online helping many people in the groups of PinkEssence, and even invested my own personal time and at times, money too, into getting PinkEssence to grow. So to have others like the ladies I mentioned above.

It is my goal to bring the transgendered community a site that is classy and ran with common sense and from the heart, and not as a business. True, it does take a little money to run it - but again, members of PinkEssence have never failed to setup and fill a need when the call was put out. We have a small donation button on the front page - but it is NEVER required EVER from anyone to ever offer anything.

I built the site and reputation of PinkEssence as virtual "Hug" to the community that I love, and call my family...

You can access the new site at: www.PinkEssence.com

Electrolysis on Avenue Q! (New 2009 Update)

2009-02-20T18:27:00.008-05:00

(Reposted & updated from my 360 Blog)

Ever feel “Not so fresh”?

For anyone that's ever had unwanted hair, whether it was on your face, back, or even in your most unmentionable of places, and wanted to do something about it, this may not be the Blog for you.

What you need to know: Electrolysis, is a very humbling experience.

Pictured Left (pre-FFS 2008) is what I look like before I go to each of my electrolysis hair removal appointments, once a month.

The Saran Wrap on my face is (you guessed it) to hold in my freshness. I apply a prescription cream on my face called "ELMA", which contains 2.5% Lidocaine & 2.5% Prilocaine, to help mildly and temporarily numb the first layer or 2 of your skin. This helps to ease the pain of the hair removal process, and is usefull in either the Laser or Electrology hair removal chair. You'll need a prescription FIRST becasue hair removal technicians are usually not doctors (or required to be) and can not write perscriptions - just big bills!

I started my hair removal process in the summer of 2005 with a treatment of "I.P.L. Laser". If you've never tried a a laser treatment, well, all I can say, is that its not too bad until they have to put it under your nose or the corners of your mouth. Then, it feels like someone just used your face to shoe an angry mull!

{wham} {wham} {wham}

Over and over again. Sometimes I counted them hiting my face as many as 40 times in the first pass, then another 40 on the second pass at the higher setting... (as if you weren't ready for the "big girl" setting on the first pass).

In the course of 1 year, I endured 12 laser treatments to the face, neck and arms with good results. But lasers do not work on light colored or grey hairs. Being that my hair is naturally dark brown mixed with a few premature greys, 95% responded well, but left me with the some grey to deal with down the road. And oh boy, can those grey hairs be resistant!

Keep in mind the fact that I have Klinefelter’s Syndrome - becasue of this, I had very minimal facial hair around my muzzle area, or body hair other wise.

In truth, my heart goes out to all the Trans-Women that have to endure literally, 100's of costly and painful hours for years, of laser and electrolysis. I have heard cases of 4 – 6 years of working at it, is usually normal.

Before I go to my appointment, I prepare by drinking LOTS of water the day before. This helps keep the skin moister, and in turn, helps the "mixed blend" of AC and DC current flows from the electrolysis needle, to the targeted unwanted hair better.

Now, my drug of choice is Perkiset - it helps ease the pain mostly by minimizing the whole “ordeal” if it all. Valum is good too, but be sure to ask a doctor about it first and of course, use it only as directed. *winks* . Some people have NO problems; others (like myself), view the electrolysis as a torture chamber – but a necessary one if we want to have a feminine face clear of any facial hair.

{zap}{zap}{zap}

If the {zaps} wasn’t enough... The technician, using tweezers, lightly "tugs" (not pulls), but "tugs" on each zapped follicle, to see if it will easily slide out of the raw, sizzled hair shaft. If it doesn’t easily come out, {zap}{zap}{zap} again, and again - until it does slide out on its own! It has to slide out; it can not be "plucked" out.

The tech and you know when a follicle has sizzled at the root, it will release from the shaft effortlessly with no pain. However, if the follicle is zapped while it is NOT in its "growth stage", chances are that it will grow back, even if zapped, because it was in its RESTING stage, and you will need to have it zapped again when it grows back.

Zap, tug, ZAP, tug, ZAP, tug…. Again and again and again.

If you can imagine sticking your face in a barrel of angry bee’s you’d be about there… but the bees would have to also pull your whiskers while they stung you…

NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY IN THE MOMENT!

Again, the work under the nose can be deliciously painful! I don’t care who you are: THAT HURTS LIKE A MO-FO! Its something I go and do alone - Electrolysis is a private hell - one that the rest of the world doesn't have to endure to be who they are. I lay there crying streams of tears, unable to move, even a muscle in fear of the technician missing, or the needle stabbing me to deep causing a scar. The song playing on my Blog today, its a tune I hum when I go to the appointment. It’s from a Broadway play called Avenue Q. OH MY GOD, its awesome; you simply MUST see it. It’s the Muppets meet Archie Bunker. lol

I forgot to mention the best part of electrolysis:

It's F*ing EXPENSIVE!

-Chloe

Video: Silencing Christians

2009-02-20T12:24:00.008-05:00

A friend of mine just sent me a link to this video, and I normally don't call attention to these things, but THIS ONE really made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

Behold, the 2009 Christian Extremist Propaganda Machine...

In this video (towards the 4th quarter) they talk about ENDA - there they send the message and set the tone for the viewer of WHY they should be "fearful" of ENDA, Transgendered people and what they should do to stop it.

You simply MUST watch this whole video.

Original movie Posted here.

http://www.silencingchristians.com/

This video is a reminder of why I have chosen to go to Washington DC this year for "Lobby Days" with NCTE. There, I hope to have my voice heard with my congress person, because you KNOW the extremists are going to have theirs there too. We need everyone's voice heard. We can't afford not to go. This is our chance with the new government to swing the pendulum in our favor and get and inclusive ENDA passed.

Lobby Days will be held April 26th to April 28th. REGISTER FOR LOBBY DAYS with NCTE in the nations capital and help make a difference for our community. This is YOUR chance to have your voice heard. NCTE will coordinate the efforts for you to be a volunteer or to schedule a meeting with your congress person. All you have to do, is come and be who you are..

What are you thoughts?

The Walled Garden

2009-02-17T16:09:00.006-05:00

I have chosen to move my Blog to “Invitation only” after being online for 3 years. I’ve gotten a few emails asking me if I am ok or if this is the next step for me towards going “stealth” – or as my friend Donna Rose once called it “Slipping seamlessly into the fabric of society”.

The short answer is “no”. I am not going stealth – however, now that only you, my trusted friends can read my Blog, I can be more open about “what’s going on”. I am dealing with some personal issues and can not be as visible about myself as I would like to be - at least, not here online for the moment. Adding to that, I'm finally getting to a good point in my relationship with my family, and I think this Blog is a bone of contention with them. So for now, at least for the next few months while I sort out these issue, I will only be giving access to people I know and trust.

My transition was very expensive, marking just over $70,000 in total towards procedures and medical/mental health care costs. I put everything I had on the line to transition and that includes the relationships I had, or ever would have.

With my spouse “Rene” losing her Job last December, and with the economy the way it has been, has forced us to make some serious choices – both in our financial future and our personal life going forward. Her losing her job is bad timing, but something we can deal with - her being a lesbian is not. Being at the pinnacle of these choice has me looking into the crystal ball and asking myself some hard questions. I want the best for both of us - but I'm not sure that is us staying together.

I’m currently filing a Chapter 13 Bankruptcy to restructure our debts - our attorney believes that she can iron out a plan for keeping our assets, which includes our home and rental properties to boot. However, we will be put on a 5 year repayment program and there will be major restrictions as far as spending goes. Under advisement of my attorney, it is best that I do not reveal anything about my personal life to potential creditors to use in court.

I seen all this coming about 2 years ago – selfishly, I pushed forward with my surgery because I knew that this would be my last chance – I just didn’t want to be in my 40’s trying to transition. It was hard enough to do in my 30’s! I'm so glad I did. I think a worse hell would to be having to go through all this and then STILL not been able to have my surgeries.

Adding to the whole problem is the constant roller coaster ride I am on emotionally. Last Monday I went in to have a blood test drawn so I could have my levels checked. I had not done this since being Post-Op last May 2008. I’ve been feeling very fragile and, well, just not my normal, secure self. My friend Barbara Ann’s suicide last July did not help at all either. I’ve been very nervous about taking the hand of a fellow sister and help them or getting to close with transgendered people at those early stages, because some how, I still blame myself.

And loneliness. I’ve been feeling so bitterly isolated as of late - caught between worlds, ungrounded like a leaf in the wind. I’m not short on friends by any account, and I think that I have the best that any could ever want or pick. But there are times when you feel so alone in your own skin – so transparent and vulnerable. No matter how many friends I have, I feel with out purpose because I want someone to share this life with that appreciates me for who I am. Some say that my children, my home, my job, are the roses in my life and that I have a beautiful life ahead. Maybe so, but what kind of life can it be when you feel like your standing alone in the middle of a walled garden?

-Chloe

The Call of Hope

2009-02-10T15:05:00.002-05:00

Status: Not so Fabulous

When I take inventory over my life, its easy to see in the past where I should have made certain sacrifieces, and other times I probably should have been more out going.

I've never looked at myself as anyone special... much less a good writing or speller. I have 2 hands like everyone else, and with those, I have managed to arrange my stars from their orginal orientation - something anyone can do, given the time and effort.

I will be attending the Lobby Days organized by NCTE in Washington DC April 26th to 28th. Many people form around the country will be meeting there to help make the big push for ENDA, and other issues... but mostly ENDA.

The "Employment Non-Discrimination Act., or ENDA, is a proposed piece of legislation that helps to protect the jobs and rights of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered American's.

To tell you the truth, I can't really aford to go right now to DC. I'm facing a bankruptcy, and my spouse is out of work. Still, the cause and need are too great to let that stand in my way... so I have put the matter into fates hands and I will just not worry about it and go, and do what needs to be done.

Enough talking about our rights... Enough taking bows for ourselves... Ladies and gentlemen, its time we stand together... and lets not just nod and say, yes... get up off your chair and DO something - nothing can change unless we all set our troubles aside for a few days, and give voice to a call that has been sent out.

How many times in your life have you been given the chance to stand and be counted - among those who madea difference for the many?

Yes, a call has been sent out to all of us... and how will you be remembered answering that call?

Yes, we are all in trouble right now... the market is bad, housing and banking sectors have failed... but in the darkness of all this calamity, a light shines with all of us at this moment... that light is hope, and it shines now in our darkest hours. We must now harness this light together and illuminate our future... a future of Equility, for all.

Answer the call of Hope...

Stand and be counted - Give Voice

Please... register to attend Lobby Days with NCTE
http://nctequality.org/lobby_day/lobbyday09.html

-Chloe

Pregnant Man: Reloaded

2009-02-02T13:21:00.012-05:00

I was recently asked by a Television reporter about my opinion on 'Pregnant Man' and I found myself stumbling to get my thoughts focused. Not because I was short of an opinion, but because it's such a hot button for Transgendered individuals, and people in general.

The story originally ran November 2008 on ABC's 20/20 with Barbara Walter's interviewing Thomas Beattie, a Female to Male (F2M) Transsexual that became pregnant and birthed a child.

The problem: The story made international news headlines that a pregnant "Man" birthed the child.

Here's the rub: The argument is a difficult one for Trans People because TG people strive to educate others that gender is of the mind, not the sex organs we are assigned to at birth. This is were the argument gets difficult because there is no consensus or one size fits all box to place these issues in.

Can the general public be asked to accept a pregnant genetic female as a pregnant male? How will this affect public opinion and understanding of all Transgendered people? Is there a line to be drawn?

I myself (by all accounts) am a father of 2 children. My wife and I had these children before I decided to Transition. I will always be their biological father. No amount of political correctness or splashed on 'feel-good' catch phrases like "Authentic Living" or "Gender Variance" will change that fact. We are, what we are. I know and accept that fact, but that doesn't mean I can not present and fulfill the role of a second Mother - and to my children, I am. This doesn't erase the fact that they have a father either... because that IS what I did, I Fathered them into this world. Now I will raise them as a mother would with exception too the privileges and benefits mixed in of being their Father too.

Stay with me on this for a moment: Thomas Beattie's identity is Male, but his body is still genetically female - therefore, that makes him the 'biological mother' of his child. He is NOT a pregnant "Man", he's a genetic pregnant woman having a baby that identifies and lives as a male, fulfilling the role of husband and father.

Good for him!

But the problem is the that the news media spun this story inaccurately, leading people to believe possibly that a genetic "Man" was pregnant, instead of accurately saying a "Full Time, Female to Male, Transgendered person" in the commercial segments, was pregnant. So of course, people set their DVR's and Tivo to record the oddity of a possible genetic male having a baby. An example of this spin can be seen here on Discovery Health. Watch the video on this page as it portays Thomas as a Pregnant man and not mentioning AT ALL that he is a Transgendered person.

To be clear, society accepts certain facts - one of them is that "Genetic Males" currently can not birth babies. Genetic Females and Pre-op Female to Male Transgendered individuals can birth children because they have the birthing organs to do so.

When a story such as the pregnant man piece is brought to the court of public opinion, the way Thomas Beattie's story was, it becomes a spectacle. The Media knows this. They know that people will want to get to the bottom of how a "Man" can and did become pregnant... "How is this possible?" they'll ask.

When the veil was lifted that Thomas Beattie was not a Genetic Male, the platform of understanding "gender variant living" came crumbing down in a landslide of mud and confusion for many people already struggling to understand Transgenderisum.

An example of this was a friend of mine at work that came to me when this story aired and said:

"I seen the Pregnant Man story last night on TV. I thought you said when Transgendered people decide to transition, they do it to live the opposite gender role and the very idea of living as their former gender role is unthinkable? "

I explained that, Thomas Beattie is not held to the limitations of a genetic male - and as a transgendered or gender variant individual, has the liberty to have a child because he is a genetic female - he's just not living and presenting as a female anymore, because he 'identies' as a male. It should not matter what body Thomas was assigned to at birth that we address him by 'he or her', but by the fact that 'he' identifies as a male, not a female. 'Gender' is one's identity, and ones 'sex' is merely the assigned biological circumstance for which they must breed new life.

Can we have it both ways?

In my comments section, Alex wrote probably the most brilliant response... she accurately describes how the TG community suffered a black-eye from this story.

Alex writes:

"OK I have an opinion on this issue that likely will not please some people, but it is what I believe so I will say it anyway.

I understand the couples need and wants to have the child, and it is indeed the right of any couple to have a child of their own.

However, I see this situation as being a case of having your cake and eating it too, or in other words wanting it all without sacrifices. My view is, if you need to change physical gender to feel at ease with the gender you believe yourself to be from birth, then you accept the new role to the full.

Until wonders of medicine allow all men to bear children (and it becomes accepted that men can do such a thing in society), all transmen should follow suit.

This story only fed the media to push the fact that he was not a real man, which fuels public perception that I'm also not a real woman. I do my best to be accepted by society as a fellow female, but very public stories such as the 'Pregnant Man' do me no favors, what so ever.

If he wants to be accepted as every other man is in present society, he really should not be allowing himself to be pregnant."

Another outstanding perspective from Common Teri:

"Well I’d like to be neutral on this, but I have to disagree with those who say he should never have gotten pregnant. I can understand the couple wanting to have a child together and the male partner choosing to carry the child that his partner couldn’t. If I could have done as a man before transitioning because my partner couldn’t I would have jumped at the chance. I see that as a very loving thing to do and applaud the courage it took to make the sacrifice of his masculinity.

He had to know he would take a lot of criticism for this.

The couple should have the right to do this yet I would have much preferred it stayed out of the limelight and not become such a media circus.

Trans people are going to have an understandable distaste for this because it highlights one of the things we try to hide and that is that our bodies will always betray us not matter how much surgery we can afford. We go to great lengths to make our bodies congruent with out minds yet there’s only so much science can do.

This event exposes us for who we really are, "transgender people". Is that bad?"

If I were 20/20, I would have advertised the segment as a Transgendered Female to Male is pregnant... but that doesn't sell air time the way 'Pregnant Man' does. Unfortunately, this and the Susan Stanton Story has left our community with some in depth explaining to do.

Well, Thomas is pregnant once more and is due in June of 2009 - can you just smell the book deals and the TV endorsements being cooked up?

What are your thoughts?

Troubling Thoughts, Revisited

2009-01-27T23:15:00.015-05:00

Pure darkness - A point when everyone (even the people that are supportive), have become white noise in the crossfire of jammed transmissions… when there’s nothing left on the dial, the only thing left to do is, unplug…

…and so I did.

So, here I am – living the life that we all dream about… I’m a woman, right? Eight months have past now since I surrendered to a future of presenting myself in all respects to the closest physical proximity of a genetic woman that a genetic male can be. Now what?

For a few years now, I have come to this blog and the many voices that post to it, and have fallen into the comfort of its cushions. Days I have spent working on projects online and even pursued offline activities as well - Photography, video Blogging, chatting on the phone and going to visit the friends I made online in their hometowns.

Its hard to write this because I know I am tip toeing around so many people that supported and helped me through very difficult times. However, my activities and correspondents online had become so important, if not the MOST important thing going in my every day static life that I have become disconnected to priorities and even the reality I am living in.

Blame it on laziness or whatever you want, but the truth is, I have “still” been trying to bring myself out of a self-induced depression carried over from my prior life of living as a male. Why?

Yes, I look in the mirror now and I no longer want to rip my flesh off like wrapping paper from my bones – but at what cost did this all come? Where is my place in this world? What am I now? Am I what I believe myself to be, or am I the product of how the world now receives and interacts with me? Before you jump to the end of the blog where I am jumping off a cliff and killing myself, hold it right there. I want to make clear that, I DO NOT regret any of my decisions! On the contrary, my eyes have never been more open to the world and the mechanics of our social dynamics, and how each of us play a part in the intricate workings, in the grand scheme of it all.

To be fair, I am facing some of the most difficult choices of my life… again. These choices however, affect the quality, comfort and privacy of my family’s lives, forever. Transition has etched expanses so wide in the foundation of our lives that I fear they can never be bridged… at least not with me remaining as part of the equation.

Looking down the road, I have to evaluate first the quality of life that will be best for my children. Does this include my wife and I living as two ladies together? A relationship lined with love on the fridges of friendship, and NOT that of a typical mother/father household? What are the long-term effects on our kids, and us… this and many other questions we “thought” we had the answers to before I decided to have the surgery, now haunt our bedroom discussions once more.

Questions of our sexuality, personal fulfillment and stability thus far, have gone unanswered in fear of opening our Pandora’s box. You see, when faced with these decisions at the time, we found the only way to deal with our issues of indifference and confusion, was to throw them all in a box and shelve them. The result from that was remaining together; reacquainting and acclimating to our new realities, in the hopes of finding ourselves and recapturing love, defragmented from a past, tainted with sorrow.

“One day at a time… one day at a time…” At least, that’s what we have been saying and trying to do.

Rene and I have come to a point left with no options – we now face the angry mobs and torches in every direction - The only way out, is through the flames. We must come to the table, conquer our fears and open that box, once more.

…and so we have.

Rene is a stout Catholic – she does NOT believe in divorce. Period. It seems whenever we come to the table to talk, the discussions all end with her laying out the noncommittal trump card of “Just do whatever your going to do, cause that’s what you always do anyway – it doesn’t matter what I ever wanted.” This leaves me feeling empty, spinning aimlessly with no ammo or even a target to shoot for.

The truth is, I never wanted to proceed without her on anything, yet, in the 4 years of transition this is where she has left me; to live with my own decisions, void of any compromise to her position, at all –AND- unless it involved the church, bible or testosterone injections, any options I presented might as well have been an air-nailer to the knee caps.

If our relationship were a chess game, then the board would be left with the impossibility of both Kings in a unilateral checkmate at the same time; neither willing to concede, and uniquely unwilling to strike in the face of each others tears.

For sometime I have thought about just leaving, starting over. With the recent lay offs from work, that was almost a forced decision. My job is now secure – for the moment anyway. However, during this time, I contemplated my life and the direction of starting over completely stealth. But you know, no matter how I sliced it, it would always come back to the same thing: You can’t escape who you are.

The attraction to stealth was the thought of new beginnings – but not just for me… but for my kids, wife and family too. Holidays in our family are horribly difficult and over complicated… the treachery, the lies, the backstabbing (Insert picture of Pope kicking in stain glass window) Heck, we don’t even get Christmas cards or a simple phone call.

They don’t make Christmas cards for people to send to people like me - But if they did, here is the one that everyone WISHES they had the balls to send me, but instead, goes unsaid in the silence of their ignoring us:

“Merry Christmas! Sorry we couldn’t see or have you and your family over - your just too damn weird! But take comfort in the knowledge that there will be a HUGE family gathering WITHOUT you, and we will ALL do our best to ignore the fact that you ever existed. Please be sure to plan YOUR holiday festivities around the schedule of your sympathizers, as they will be here with the rest of the normal people, and will be over to eat your food, once the embers of hell begin to die…. Happy Holidays, Freak!”

In fairness, my Mom, Dad and sister have totally done a 180 turn around. They're coming to terms in their own way and time. This Christmas was better.... and for that, I am grateful and hopeful too.

One of the best memories I have as a child was going over to my grandmothers house Christmas Eve for the big family celebration. No matter who was disagreeing with who, all was water over the dam - we hugged, laughed and ate as a family… we loved one another… I felt loved... I wonder if my kids feel loved being drug around by their grandparents to places Rene and I are no longer welcome? What will be their memories?

And the weirdness continues...

AT LAST! New York, Baby!

2009-01-06T19:00:00.009-05:00

I had the chance to go visit the Big Apple a few weeks ago… OMG! WOW, what fun!

I know I've been slacking here. You've asked for details and pic’s – well here it comes, at last!

For some time its been my dream, to see Manhattan - well, not only did I see it, but I did so with the best of friends!

I met up with my author friend Jenny (pictured right) who had some business to attend to there that week. It worked out well because Jenny actually use to live in NY before, which turns out, made for an excellent hostess, as well as tour guide (Thanks sweetie).

HAPPY 2009 y'all! Yep yep, it’s a new year and it's out with the old and in with the new - and that includes a renewed attitude! I was watching a friend's MySpace video she made for New Years. She said that, on the first day of each new year, it is tradition in Scotland to clean the house – It is believed that by clearing out the old useless junk and broken things, it helps to clear away negative spirits for the New Year – GOOD ADVICE! I’m starting with my brain; a lot of useless gobbly wobbler in there – and its not the kind you drink, either.

Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Frank Sinatra!

“Start spreading the news, I’m leaving today….”
“I want to be a part of it - new York, new York”

Once In Manhattan, I located the parking deck I had looked up online to dock my vehicle for the duration of my stay. Three blocks walk later, I rendezvous in the lobby of my hotel with awaiting author of She’s Not There, Mrs. Jennifer Finney Boylan.

A quick exchange of hugs and a bit of freshening up, Jenny dishes out the 411 on the basics to catching a cab in New York (yes there is a method to the madness), but I’m a quick learner.

"Watch out for people that “Short Stop” you, and to make sure your on the side of the street that the cab is supposed to be heading in to get to your destination. Other wise you may end up with a larger cab bill causing the driver to have to circle the block to go the correct direction - and in New York, that could take anywhere from 1 minute to 1 hour – or more!"

First order of business, lunch with Naria from ABC. Dawning an umbrella, I head out to the front street corner of the hotel… the sounds, the lights, the traffic, the people – WOW!

“I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep”
“And find Im king of the hill - top of the heap”

I manage to hail my first cab: “55th and Columbus!”, I said as I closed the cab door. We speed away heading towards Time Square on Broadway. The buildings come into view… The entire city is alive with neon and moving signs… it looks like a scene out of Blade Runner.

“These little town blues, are melting away”
“I’ll make a brand new start of it - in old New York”
“If I can make it there, Ill make it anywhere”
“Its up to you - New York, New York”

55th and Columbus: I meet up with Naria waiting on the corner of the intersection – she pays the cabby, then its off to lunch.

Raining lightly, we make our way to a little restaurant that all the staff of ABC occasionally eat at. It’s a little Italian place right across from Howard Stern’s apartment building she tells me. Nice. (To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember what I ate, let alone the name of the restaurant) – I was just jazzed to be there.) We talk while we eat about transition, Klienfelter’s, our families and being in New York.

Next Naria took me on a little tour of ABC where she works. It looked like any other office – Gah… yeah right… any office that’s AWESOME, that is!

I didn’t see Barbara Walters or any other on air TV people, but Naria did point out Diane Sawyer’s Office – omg, to think that former beauty queen might have been back there?!

After our tour, Naria puts me back into a cab and I’m back to the hotel to meet up with Jenny again for a little demo of how the subways work. We make our way to Grand Central Terminal. She quickly explains the color system of the Tracks and lines… {wooooshh} The complete thing goes right over my head.

To this day, I’m still totally stoked and mesmerized over how it all works. Even cooler was a little lickity snack that Jenny showed me; something only the locals know about, its called “The Whispering Gallery”.

[Pictured Below] In this corridor, you can stand in the corner [Pictured with me standing in it, Bottom, Right] and whisper -AND- because of an unplanned architectural anomaly, your voice will travel up the wall, across the ceiling, back down to the other corner where the other person is, and they can actually hear you, crystal clear!

[Notice the arched domed like ceiling in the photo]

Just off the main concourse, there's a little cocktail lounge called “The Campbell Apartment”. Named so because it was, at one time, the office of 1920’s tycoon and president of the railway, John W. Campbell. - Mr. Campbell also used it as an apartment when he worked late or for executives out of town that worked for the railway and needed a place to stay. They wouldn’t allow pictures to be taken but it’s designed to replicate the galleried hall of a 13th-century Florentine palace. Check it out – but, be sure to wear proper dress, cause it’s definitely a hi-step’in and hi-fo’lutin type place.

[Grand Central Terminal, aka: Grand Central Station]

Onward and Upward!

“New York, New York”
“I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps”
“And find I’m a number one - top of the list, king of the hill”
“A number one”

We purchase MetroCards in a vending machine and get on our train. Jenny navigates the subway like an old pro, and quickly has all of us on a train headed down town – heck I have no idea still to this day where we were, BUT, I do know that we ended up in the right place, catching the ferry to see the Statue of liberty!

“These little town blues, are melting away”
“I’m gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York”
“And if I can make it there, I’m gonna make it anywhere”

This was my first time seeing Lady Liberty… [Pictured Left] I pause and reflect. Just months ago, I was standing in Bangkok airport, thinking, how did a shmuck like me, make it all the way here? Now, here I am again, in New York, thinking how symbolic!, to be welcomed, as if for the first time again, to a new life that awaits – a life now that is only limited by the expanse of my imagination, and not by a mind in the wrong body.

“It’s up to you - New York New York!!!!!!”

Once back port side, we decide to head on over by foot to Time Square and go exploring. Radio City Music Hall, Rockefeller Plaza (home of NBC Studio’s in NY), and The David Letterman Show over at CBS.

We actually got caught by a TV crew in front of the CBS building to do a quick sound bite for a show. They asked us “who do you think will win the Heisman Trophy?” Neither of us not knowing a thing about Football, I said “Obama?” After a quick chuckle, they stop the camera and whisper to us, “Just say Sam Bradford.” So much for spontaneity…

Next we pop into the CBS gift shop – Nothing interesting in there, so we head over to Toys-R-Us to see if I can find a gift for my boys. WOW, was this place big! If you happen to watch the ball go down on New Years night, you may have seen on TV the huge Toys-R-Us building lit up.

On the inside of the toy store, we are greeted for photos just like an amusement park. I guess they figure we “out-of-town'ers” never been to a new fangled big ol’ toy store before –AND- a curbside souvenir photo is just the prescription for savoring the flavor of just how much we over paid for the imported junk we bought there??

We left shortly after arriving, empty handed and hungry. The size of the store wore us out and I really didn’t see anything in there you couldn't buy at Toy’s-R-Us in Ohio… I’m thinking, "so why buy anything and have to drag it around NY?"

Minutes later, Sheridan Hotel lounge: Cocktails in toe, we grab a quick bite to eat. I decided to turn in early and bid present company farewell for the night and head back to my room.

If there is one thing I am known for best, it should be that I'm ALWAYS late. Next morning I meet up with friends to have breakfast – you’d think finding food in New York wouldn’t be a problem; well, it can be, if you don’t get up on time - and in NY, that’s pretty early. Most places want to stop serving Breakfast around 10:30 – my bad. I guess that's what I get for taking too long getting gussied up - Opps. Anyway, we finally find a little deli open and feast on some great NY food.

Jenny calls and joins us with a notable friend - a fella’ by the name of Tim Kreider [Pictured Left]. Tim’s a political cartoonist of sorts, and a damn good one too… check out his great website: The Pain. I really enjoyed meeting Tim… I tried to convince him of doing a cartoon themed on the old drinking game, “Marry, Fuck, or Kill”. The game is played where someone names 3 people (Usually of a certain genre level of attractiveness or disgust in one form, or another). Then, going around the room, each person has to put in order and explain their reasoning on who they’d have to "Marry, Fuck, and then Kill…" OMG!, it was a riot. We ended up finishing our breakfast to the humorous chiming ins of everyone’s theory on who’d they’d Marry, Fuck, and then Kill.

I decided to use the day to do some more sight seeing – The outdoor ice rinks down town, Saks Fifth Avenue and I found a Sephora Cosmetics to dive into; I picked up a few essentials for the night activities to come . I also happened upon the Hershey Outlet Store and picked up a bag full of my all time favorite candy, "Chocolate Truffle Hershey Kisses!" I’ve never seen these particular Kisses in stores. The only time I have seen them is when I went to Hersey Town PA, and purchased them in the gift shop. Crossing fingers I asked the clerk if they had them here in the New York Outlet - sure enough, they had them! Although, I wish I had purchased more cause I devoured the whole bag by the time I drove back to Ohio. {burrrrrp}

{Holds cardboard sign up} "Will work for Truffle Kisses"

The Players Club

Later that evening, things really started to get interesting. Jenny and another one of her friends by the name of Beck, (Think of Beck as being the Farris Bueller of Manhattan,) invites us over to a party he’s having at the Players Club. It’s a private club for stage actors and so forth. I snuck a few pictures of the place on the inside – the pictures on all the walls are of some of the more notable past and current members.

After a holiday toast they started playing an old black-n-white cartoon called “The Shanty, Where Santy Claus Lives”. We only had the chance to watch it for a few minutes however; Beck summoned all of us up to the front door and said it was time for our dinner reservation.

So away we went, again by way of cabs, to a great little place that (you guessed it) I can’t remember. The restaurant was packed inside though, but Beck evokes a side bar with the owner and the next thing I know, we are being whisked away to a table for 8! The food and drinks were excellent, as was the company of friends.

From there we left to go to a performing arts theater company that put on a stage play. It was kinda like that TV show, Who’s Line Is It Anyway? where actors are given a minimal amount of direction and then they have to improve and ad-lib the rest of the performance. Exhausted, I began to nod off a bit – opps!

After saying our good-byes and parting ways, I make it back to my hotel room to crash. Make-up on the pillowcase, hooped earrings left on digging into my head, I pass out from complete exhaustion on the bed.

Sunday morning I checked out early and made my way down to the parking deck about 3 blocks away to retrieve my car. I was impressed with the attendant – my car was waiting for me in the que out front the parking deck. I settled up the bill, plugged in my GPS unit and set the warp drive of the Benz for impulse power towards the turn-pike home.

It took about 30 minutes to make my way out of the city by way of the Lincoln Tunnel. One thing that came in handy while traveling was my EZ-Pass I had installed in my car. With the EZ-Pass token attached to my windshield, I didn’t have to carry cash or stop at the toll both to pay – I just simply drove on through the EZ-Pass lanes. Tolls ran about $50 in total getting there and back. The tunnels and bridges are the most – some as high as $8 and $12 bucks! Yow za!

Well, as with most things, all good streaks come to an end. If they ever had an award for being the biggest dumb dumb of the year, I most certainly deserve it –AND- the ticket I got in Shippenville PA. for doing 82 in a 65 - $165 bucks later, you think I’ve learned my lesson?

I’ve not had a ticket in almost 10 years! Now I'v gotten 2 of them with in just a few months of each-other!?!? Actually, truth be told, I was pulled over 4 times this year, but I managed to get out of two of them. NOT oddly enough though, the ones I couldn't seem to charm my way out of, were both out of state ones!

I knew the cop had busted me too – I was coming over the hill, and there he was… (little fucker!) No sooner did I pass him, did his damn gumballs light up - “shit”, I said. I didn’t even wait for him to chase me down. I pulled over right away and started to get my powdered pouting game face on.

He walks up to my car window and says, “Ma’am I'm recording you, just so you know. I pulled you over for speeding..."

I says, “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that...” {Sorry I got caught}

I attempted to put on my best damsel in distress (hey, it worked 2 out of 3 times before?), but, he wasn’t buying it.

Now, normally getting a ticket would REALLY send a klinker right down my furnace - I just can’t let it go, ya know? Things like that just seem to sour and haunt my attitude for a long time... I'll run scenarios in my mind of what I did, or said wrong that caused me to NOT get out of the ticket.

It occurred to me though that I had so much fun in the past few days, nothing was going to ruin it - I think to myself, "what’s the point… I WAS speeding… oh well." 5 minutes later, ticket in hand, and I'm like COMPLETELY over it, I pull away on my way back to Ohio, now doing 90 MPH to make up for lost time!

So class, what did we learn, besides a new game called “Marry, Fuck, Kill” that I KNOW your all just dying to call friends up and play?

Well, exploring Grand Central Terminal is worth the trip alone.
If you’re in NY, make friends with Beck, Tim and look up Jenny, if she happens to be there – they know where ALL the fun is at.
Toy's-R-Us is the same no matter what the size or location.
EZ-Pass is the shizznit!
No matter what your gender, if your going to speed, SPEED LIKE A MAN!!!

But, most importantly of all, is that if your feeling lost, alone or uncertain along your journey, Lady Liberty stands always proudly to welcome you back home…

“It’s up to you… New York, New York NEEEEEW Yooorrk!!!”!

-Chloe

This, is Me

2008-12-09T12:06:00.020-05:00

You may have notice that I have not been as active around here as I us too, that is because secretly, I have been working to develop a new career. I have been studying for a while now to become a professional in an office environment. I am not giving up my day job with the phone company, but I have taken on a second seasonal job in a non-competing line of work.

For the past 3 months I have been working very hard to pass my exams to get this job and quite frankly, it doesn’t pay very well at all. My spouse and I have filed for bankruptcy protection with an attorney, so, any money we can scrape together after my being off work for so long, will be welcomed. Besides, the job has given me the opportunity to slip back into the fabric of society and given me the chance to experience (on a test scale) what it would be like to live completely stealth.

The experience so far has been amazing, yet stifling too. The job helps to balance my worlds right now. In one world, I face discrimination heavily, being ostracized and cast out by extending family members – left unclaimed and unwanted, alive or dead. In the other world, I am overwhelmed with friendship, love, support, offers of romance – but above all, I feel hope for a brighter future.

The only problem is, all that I care about is stuck back in the other world of darkness. How can I bring these people into the light? I’m hoping that by reintroducing myself into this world of light, that I can find the way to bring the light back to the loved ones in the dark. After all, isn’t it easier to create light, than it is to make dark?

It wasn’t easy at first – because its been a long time since I have interacted with the world and not filtered everything through the conduit of being Transgendered – I almost had forgotten what it was like. The TG community can be comforting – almost too much. You lose touch with reality, somewhat. I had forgotten what it was like to carry on conversations and at the same time, NOT be thinking in the back of my mind about all the “trans” dynamics that are playing out in the conversation, and all around me.

I have concerns. One is that somehow the darkness will eclipse the light. I want my new colleagues to have the chance to know me for a while before they find out that I am Transgendered. I think that given the time to get to know me first, they will have a solid foundation for the “type” of person I am, not what I once presented myself as – a boy named Ted. Today, I am a woman, a mom, a sister, a daughter and many many other things. I think they will get that, given the chance to know the real me first with out having to strain to see it through the fact that I was born a male.

Still, I feel I could be painting myself into another closet of sorts, if not careful. I don’t want others to feel they have been tricked or mislead. A woman I sit next to told me on a break that I looked so beautiful today and paid me a few other compliments. Then she shared some private details about her female issues and her relationship too. In the back of my mind, something said, “Would she say the same thing, if she knew I was trans”? . If discovered, this woman could feel extremely violated… that breaks my heart, thinking that may be a possibility. It doesn’t matter the answer; the problem is “me”. I am the problem. I have this question stuck in my mind and it rises to the surface on everything – and I hate it. THIS is what I want to escape from. I don’t want it to be on my mind whether or not I am being weighed and measured by the fact of my Trans Status constantly on all aspects of my life and those that interact with me and the dynamics that play out.

Putting yourself out there has its prices… whether your stealth or not. One way or another, you have to decide what YOU can live with and what you are willing to subject others to as well. I don’t want to feel like I am “getting away” with something. And for the most part, I don’t and that is because I feel I have paid the price of enduring the pain, loss and struggles that transition by surgery put on my life and the relationships I had on the line. I feel I have made every attempt to be “Authentic” as humanly possible, to represent the person I now present. I hide nothing. Everything I do is public record, including these blogs, which are at the access of anyone with just a few mouse clicks.

Then it dawned on me, “how much more honest can I be”? Everyone has something to hide… Well, I don’t. I won’t allow myself anymore to feel that I am tricking anyone, because, I am not. My history will not define me – what I choose to do with each day going forth, will.

I feel my journey has finally come full circle. I feel complete… but better than that, I feel I am right where I used to be, before the thoughts of transitioning became so compelling to the point I wanted to take my own life.

Today at my new 2nd job, I wasn’t thinking, “What did he mean by that”? I wasn’t thinking about “passing”, nor did it even occur to me that I am any different than anyone else. I didn’t feel jealous of other women or inferior as a human being… for the first time in my life, being completely healed and having conquered the mountain of misaligned emotions, I sat back in a moment of pure mirth and snapped the above picture, and thought to myself…

...this, is me.

StereoTypes -R- US

2008-12-03T00:33:00.027-05:00

Warning: The opinions expressed in this blog are intended to educate and NOT to offend. This Blog discusses racial and gendered variant stereotypes with strong language.

Looking through Flickr, I happened upon the above photo... It's actually from a collection of degrading and humiliating photos created to spread intolerance at the cost of an entire group of minorities struggling to raise themselves up. I guess this begs the question:

What can any of us do about being exploited as minority?

Ya know, life as a trans-person can be pretty tuff at times - literally living in the “moment to moment”. You have your good days, and your bad. With each day that comes, you hope to put distance behind you from the ignorance by educating people by example. If you’re lucky, you may change the minds and even hearts of a select few around you. Maybe…

Over time, you cry; you struggle, you anguish every day to just be “tolerated” or even humored. Being truly accepted is rare… however, given time, slowly, some people around you start to “get it”. They start to see you as you see yourself – as you present yourself, now. Over time, they may even start calling you by your chosen name and use correct pronouns and even give you a genuine hug on your birthday. After living SO long with hate and disgust for what you are and what you see in the mirror and having to deal with all the turmoil that comes with transitioning, you turn on the TV, and you see this…

Now, I know this show is a goof. But here’s the rub. They say a “Drag Queen / Cross Dresser” robed the Burger King. Why didn’t they mention he is also a part of another minority? Why didn’t they say a “Black” man robed the Burger King?

Now, I am not racist here, nor do I wish to even “go there”, but, follow me on this one for a second. If the media had said “a Black Man robed the Burger King”, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and the NAACP would have been picketing the station the same day it aired. So, why is it ok to put a man in a dress and put him on camera in a joking manor and review a security tape like a NFL play book, referencing stereo typical phrases?

With no disrespect intended to black individuals - lets switch things around here and ask the question: Would it be ok to take that same White man that was on MSNBC in a dress, but instead dress him up in clothing by FUBU, paint his face black, put an Afro on his head? And if that wasn’t insulting enough, now add in a review of a security tape of another black man breaking into a KFC while discussing stereotyping questions in Jive about pork chops and collar greens?” RIDICULOUS!!!! No, it's OUTRAGEOUS!

...The message I (and everyone watching this garbage) is getting from the media, is that it's "ok" to minimize a minority , so long as that minority is Transgendered people - more to the point "Men in dresses"!

I don’t often get upset enough to swear, but this video that aired on MSNBC is Bull Shit! What MSNBC censors think was a big joke, is a slap in every transgendered persons face!

Every time I turn on the TV there is some snide remark or rolling of the eyes or making Gender Variance something to be a target of a joke and I am DAMN tired of it! This video undermines EVERYTHING Transgendered people have to struggle for each day - dignity.

Notice how the anchor man talked to the man in the dress - smirking and trying to keep his shit eating grin under control? THAT my friends, is exactly how the majority of people talk and smirk downward at me in my day to day life once they know I am trans. They feel that ALL the filters and society's constraints of manors can come off or be set aside *because* I MUST be a degenerate of society!! They think that all the world is laughing with every degrading and dehumanizing comment they can lump up publicly in front of an audience on me – whether it be a comment, or a roll of their eyes… I die another death every time I have to endure this type of humiliation and abuse!

I thought at first I shouldn’t even give it attention, but now, I think I should make an example of it. The guy in the dress on MSNBC and the way the anchor talks down to him is an example that sets a tone (for all that sees it), on how to treat me Monday morning when I go back to work.

On behalf of all the transgendered people in the world, "THANKS" MSNBC for airing something that is helping to make the world for transgendered people a lot “less” tolerable and bringing MORE misunderstanding that centers around mental illness, depression, loneliness and suicide.

-Chloe

[Photo above is downloaded from Flickr and does NOT represent the views of the author of this Blog]

Do Girls STILL Wanna Have Fun?

2008-11-29T23:46:00.014-05:00

When was the last time you put your heals on and went out, JUST to be seen? Geeez do I miss having fun… Everything and everyone has become so damn serious!?

Well, this I am certain...

….this town needs an Enema!!

My Gawd, what has come over us? Do you even remember what it means to be having fun these days? From what I have been reading, I would argue, “no”! So what’s happening to us?

Maybe it’s the Blogs I have been reading, or the emails people have been writing me, but I feel an infection has spread like an epidemic upon our community. With all the politics, labeling, and power struggles going on – who has the time to be happy?

Everyone seems to be trying to “set the tone” of what IS and ISN’T proper for Trans people to be doing… This is why I LOVE my Cross Dresser sisters. Now, I have as much baggage as the next Trans-Person, but I am actually jealous of CD’s in their ability to enjoy themselves and have fun. For the most part, once one accepts they’re CD, they learn to compartmentalize their life by keeping their Boy & Girl life separate – and I respect that… no, I ADMIRE that! I wish to bugger I could have!

Now, I’m not trying to “call to arms” a Fishnet Cop Parade on Burdon street, but at the same time, we don’t have to settle for buying the medium sized Jacuzzi either. So why aren’t we getting out ?

If you find yourself falling into this category of sitting around asking yourself “What the Hell Happened?”, then maybe you need to do yourself a favor: Get out that favorite dress, load up on the eye shadow, call your sisters, score some tickets to see Obama & Hillary on Ice – and afterward , grab the Video-Cam and do donuts with your SISTAH’S in a snow covered parking lot at 1am!

Use your imagination… but what ever you do, don’t stay home and allow life to pass you by. To quote Kung Fu Panda “Yesterday is history; Tomorrow is a Mystery; but today, is a Gift… That’s why they call it, The Present”.

If you’re feeling the stagnation of not progressing with your gender presentation, could it be that it hinges on your ability to exercise it in open space? To find out, give yourself this quick Exam:

Have you been repeatedly covering yourself in Tattoos in order to feel like you have SOME control over changing ANY aspect of your body?
Is your Panty drawer over flowing with bargain bin underwear with the tags still on them?
Are the batteries in your vibrator expired?
Are you more concerned with the rise and fall of the Thai Baht or making a run for the moonlight madness sale at JC Penny?
Do you know what LimeWire is?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, its NOT to late for you – there IS help. If the places you usually haunt have gotten boring, then venture out. Spend a few bucks and GO SHOPPING for yourself… and (Note to self: Insert shameless plug here) if you swing by the Victoria Secret Store, I am not apposed to gift cards from there, or anywhere else. {grin}

Seriously though, you may find that a change of scenery and even companions might just be the taste of success that will suit you. But like anything else though, you have to work at it and if you don’t use it, YOU LOOSE IT! No matter what the reason this season, don’t allow another day to fall off the calendar settling for life’s curbside seats.

What are you waiting for?

We Remember... Barbara Ann Eftimiades

2008-11-22T20:40:00.003-05:00

If your Transgender, I don’t have to tell you what day it is. But, to those that came to read this page, today is “Transgender Day of Remembrance” - A Day that remembers those who paid the price of being Transgendered, with their lives.

Each year, this day serves the gender variant community as a sobering reminder that, if your Transsexual or Transgender, then you are a target.

Before I transitioned, it never occurred on a day to day basis that someone might want to kill me – I never thought about it. I mean, I was always careful walking to my car and looked both ways when I crossed the street. However, if you ask any transgendered person and they will tell you, once you openly identify as Transgender or Transsexual, you have added your self to a list of people that are targeted by individuals and groups who are religious extremists & fundamentalists - who, given the chance, would beat or shoot you down for being different.

Do you live in fear? I do, somewhat.

I have had nightmares of home invasions, being chased, to my children being abducted aimed at harming me personally. Before I had my genital reassignment surgery, I lived with the fear that, if I were raped, I would be killed brutally for having been discovered to have a penis. I don't know - can I take calm in the idea that "at least now" I do not have to worry about the penis portion? I know countless others still do.

I live openly and do not hide my name, or what I do for a living or who I work for. Not all can do this – and I understand that, because of the dangers involved.

The picture above is of someone very special to me. She is the one that brings this day into focus for me even more. Her name is Barbara Ann. She was not a victim of a hate crime per say. Barb took her own life in July of 2008, the day after her divorce proceedings had stripped her of her last copping mechanisms. The day after her divorce, she called me and the life in her voice was completely gone. The next day, she took her own life. Her youngest child found her the next day, after overdosing on sleeping pills in her bedroom.

Last year, we were together to commemorate this day together - today, I am in pain.. seeing this photo, overwhelms me now...

...the eyes, they say it all.

Barb, her spouse and children are all victims of sa senseless tragedy. So too are the spouses, families and friends of those who have been lost due to hate crimes… they are all victims. My heart goes out to the families and loved ones of these people.

But I will NOT allow this day, or these fears I have, or the evil in this world to douse my calling to be authentic to my nature. I remember today, that these people who died, did so unwillingly – and I will not let them die in vein. I choose to stand – and I will give voice to these fallen souls by living in tribute to their memory, to pursue equality, in that, the lessons of today will be learned; those who served as our teachers will never be forgotten and the future that lay ahead will be void of need for this day on all our calendars, forever.

Sources for Trans Day of Remembrance. (Thanks Tamera!)

Memorializing the dead of 2008...
http://tinyurl.com/6rfgqh

Memorializing the dead of 2007...
http://tinyurl.com/5or559

About the Transgender Day of Remembrance... http://tinyurl.com/69ew95 http://tinyurl.com/27hqzv

List of events and locations and dates of observances... http://www.transgenderdor.org/

Other DOR related links of interest... http://tinyurl.com/59hzyp http://tinyurl.com/655ram http://tinyurl.com/5o2kea http://tinyurl.com/3myc96 http://tinyurl.com/6x54ws http://tinyurl.com/68hyzp

The Entitlements to Birthed Humans

2008-11-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

By the authority of humanity: All human beings born (past, present and future) are irrevocably given and will recognize above all other written constitutions, treaties laws or imposed authority by any entity or person, the common rights to equality of justice, opportunity to knowledge, employment, entrepreneurial and/or property ownership, self-expression, the institution of marriage and the sanctuary of choice over ones own body, to be applied unbiased by any category of gender, race, age, disability or allegiance to authority or religion, to be given the highest priority uniformly, among all living human beings, without exception to ones crimes or debts.

Whats so complicated about that?
-Chloe

Pregnant Man, Jenny Boylan and Barbara Walters

2008-11-11T17:20:00.015-05:00

This Friday on ABC at 10pm Eastern Time, 20/20's Barbara Walters interviews "Thomas Beattie" - the Female-to-Male (F2M) Transgender man that made international headlines as "The Pregnant Man".

This is a very complex situation. If there is one thing people love to do, its putting labels on anything and everything - this story will have many talking at the water cooler for months. Which is a good thing... even if it would seem at first strange or even negative.

I know many in the transgender community that were upset about this story when it first broke. Their fear was and is, that the main stream of society would once again be left by the media being "hood-winked" and rope-a-doped into the old "guy in a dress gag" - only this time, the punch line is its a woman impersonating a man.

Clearly, it is difficult for many to accept transgender people for who they are, even at face value. When they see a woman stand infront of them, most never question in their minds "Gee, I wonder what they would look like as a man". Once someone has knowledge that you are Transgender, that can't help themselves to start cross-examining you in their mind what you must have looked like or sounded like "before".

So, now ABC asks America, and the world: "Pregnant Man?"

Anatomically, Beattie is female. Granted. When he transitioned, he underwent a mastectomy, took hormones to grow some facial and body hair and finished it off with a quick stop to the court house to change his name legally to "Thomas". These things however, did NOT make him a male. They helped him to "pass" as a male, but we are not talking about "parts" and "semantics" of ones gender. What we are talking about here is one's gender "identity"... ah HA! you say.

Thomas is "male" because he identify's that way. the same way anyone would identify as a Beatles Fan, or a lover of Dogs, or a chocolate ice cream addict. No one can REALLY needs to explain why they are these things - THEY JUST ARE. Gender is the same thing. You "identify" your gender... it does NOT matter what genitals you were born with. Those genitals are just PARTS. Your parts are by design for sexual reproduction. Your sexual preference has nothing to do with what parts you are born with either. Just because you were born with a penis, doesn't mean that you will be attracted to women. Mainstream society and the bible (written by men) would have you believe and fear, that, the parts you were born with, dictate who you should love, and what colors you should like - Blue for boys, Pink for Girls... *sig* Can you feel the migraine head ache coming on yet?

The Pregnant Man challenges all the rules.

No doubt, people will label Thomas Beattie a "woman" that had a baby. Wrong. Thomas "identifies as a man. This is completely ignorant - choosing only testicles and ovaries as the indicator of one’s true sex has been totally dismissed by modern science. There are women born with no ovaries, men born with no testicles and their true sex as they perceive it is often clearly that of a man or a woman. Transsexuals understand this too, and it is not arbitrary to their genitals. When they are able to understand, express or voice it, they will begin to self identify in the gender they choose - but this is not an over night thing for many. For some, it is clear right away. Others struggle or are afraid to "come out" and do something about it.

Media can not, and never will get it right. I am currently involved with a project now (with ABC I might add) filming my own story (more on this to come). But I fear.. no, I "KNOW" that most in the transgender community are going to HATE IT, pick me apart, and they are going to be as clueless, as the main stream is in trying to understand ANYONE that is transgender, on television. My story will be no exception.

In related news:

Chloe Prince & Jenny Boylan
Fantasia Fair 2008

Jennifer Boylan, the Author of the Transgender book "She's Not There", will also be on with Barbara as a guest, discussing the issues. Jennifer is a close friend of mine and I happen to know that they did a unique interview with her, and her children at her home which will also be included in the special - so we will have a brief look into her personal world and family that resides in beautiful Maine.

You won't want to miss this - set your DVR's and VCR's!!!

What are your thoughts on Pregnant Man?

**To the Beattie family: My best wishes to you *hugs*

Once They Knew

2008-10-30T09:21:00.000-04:00

In 2007, my oldest son Logan started school. Rene registered him and listed me as the father under my old male name "Ted", even though my name had been legally changed before then. I was a bit upset about it, but let it go – in the grand scheme of things, I had to pick my battles, and that one was better left for another day.

Up until this point, our kids went to a private Christian School were the directors and teachers knew about me as they had witnessed my transition on a daily time table. In many ways, that school learned from us, as my children did from them.

The first grade was challenging for Logan at this new public school, but nothing any normal child doesn’t go through. There were challenges for us as parents too - but when Logan had problems, it was never a case of our ability to be effective parents that was put into question. You see, the school did not know I was Trans nor that Logan was a child of an alternative household. I kept a low profile that first year from his new school - I was just a woman named "Chloe" who picked them up and was another mother in their lives. It was never a question of my relationship or involvement with their mother or them. Everything was fine, seemingly, anyway.

The following summer of 2008 came and my youngest son Barry, was to begin his first year of Kindergarten. This time, however, since I was off that summer (recovering from my surgeries in Thailand), it was left to me to register Barry for school.

I took all the documents necessary down to prove his eligibility. I also too my own identification papers down to the school and presented them to the office secretary. On the application, I registered Rene as the mother and I listed myself as “mother” in the “other” section. I then explained privately to the secretary the reason why.

The secretary was fine with the knowledge and even made the suggestion to update Logan’s registry card – deleting the “father portion” and amending it with “Mother” and my current name. After the principal was informed and approved, I was handed the paper work back, and all was well – at least, that’s what I thought.

Less than one month of school had transpired when a major problem occurred. Rene and I both were working at the time and needed to use the schools after school program to watch the kids. The program was called “Latch-Key Kids” and was facilitated by a third party organization. The program keeps after school kids in programs marketed as “enriching” programs to help the kids stay active, educated and out of trouble, until their parents get off of work. So whats the problem?

After only being in the program less than one month, Barry (5 years old) came to me and said he didn’t want to go to school anymore. When asked why, he said because the people in the Latch-Key program made him feel bad. He continued to say that the teacher made him shadow a 4th grader the entire time and was not allowed to be on his own. Over the next few days I decided to make my own observations of the program when I picked up the kids after work.

On the first day I arrived to pick up the kids, Barry was sitting in “time out” because he had cut in line on the way to the play ground. It was 5:30 and they had been out there for over an hour. Barry said the teacher had made him sit there the entire time. I didn’t know what to think. The teacher refused Barry's complaint immediately and said it had only been for a few minutes.

The second day I came, again, Barry was alone playing in the corner. I thought nothing of it and asked him when we got home how his day had gone. He said he again had another bad day because he was not aloud to play with the other kids. This time because he was being silly at snack time. I said nothing, noted the thoughts and remained observant.

On the third day, I decided to observe the class from the window. I was shocked at what I saw. Standing at the cafeteria door and looking through its window, I saw the class with ALL their heads down on the cafeteria tables and the instructor sleeping, stretched out on 2 chairs. The other instructor was a male, sitting at the back of the cafeteria with his iPod headphones on, not paying any attention to the class. I stood there for over 5 minutes waiting for something to happen… it was clear that nothing was going to, so I went inside casually.

I took the room and teacher by surprise. The teacher was red faced and before I could say anything, immediately started making excuses for why they were all resting – including her. Saying nothing to the teacher, I turned to Logan and asked him how long they have been in here. Logan and my other son both said the class had been in the cafeteria since school ended. They had NOT gone outside, or to the Gym. It was now 5:30pm and school had been over for more than 2 hours! What the hell was going on, was the look I gave the teacher. I asked the teacher to step into the hall so we could speak.

After giving me a long song and dance of what was going on, I told her what I had observed over the past 3 days and Barry being sad about coming to Latch-Key. I told her I was reporting this to the schools principal and the Managers of Latch-Key, and that I expect better treatment for the $100 per child per week we pay for an “enriching” program. "...its not military boot camp or nappy time for teachers, after all." I said, walking away.

The opportunity to speak with the principal would have to wait. I was scheduled to go to Atlanta for SCC the following morning. So I told Rene about what had transpired at Latch-Key and said we would have to deal with it together, when I return. In retrospect, waiting was a mistake. The teacher I busted napping wasted no time.

The very next morning, out of NO WHERE, the principal and the schools counselor came to visit Barry in his class room during school hours, for what they said was "routine observations". They noted that Barry was "Rocking back and forth" and had him come down to the offices for further examination. Once there, they started asking leading and probing questions to Barry. Rene and I ONLY found out about this afterward because Barry came home and told Rene what had happen. Could it be all this is a coincidence the very next day after telling the Latch-Key teacher to shape up?

Barry told Rene that the counselor asked “Are you sad because of Daddy?” Confused, Barry said he was “Mad, and Sad,"because of me… They then asked him another leading question: “Sad because Daddy went away?”… he said “yes.”

Then the Principal and Counselor asked him if he is ever spanked at home – Barry told him he gets hit with "sticks" or some weapon or another…. (It was never made clear what was actually said.) All we know is that they asked him if we were whipping him. They made NO effort to contact us – Once Rene found out from Barry he was questioned, she called me down in Atlanta and told me what was going on. I told her to make an appointment for us to see these people when I get back.

Keep in mind, that until this moment, the only people that were suppose to know about me being Trans was the secretary and the principal Mrs. “B”. That was only because of the name change situation earlier this summer. Now that circle of knowledge was being expanded with out my permission by bringing Barry’s Teacher Mrs. “V” and the counselor Mrs. “W” into the circle of knowledge.

Before going into this meeting, Rene and I talked about what we wanted to accomplish from it, and that was to find what would help Barry focus on being a better student – period. Unfortunately, I 'm not sure that's what came out of it.

Mrs. B. and Mrs. W. both felt that the boys were confused – adding to that argument, the Principal Mrs. B. said she had noted on separate occasions Logan referring to me “Chloe,” as his father… or saying things like “my Dad,…”

The conversation within 5 minutes of the meeting turned its focus on my transition and our unique home life and away from Barry's problems learning. Their reason for Barry not learning was because of me - more pointed because of my Trans issues. The principal Mrs. B. made suggestion that "maybe it would be better for the boys if you just presented your selves as two mothers; leaving out the fact his Daddy is now living as a woman." Mrs. B. went as far as to say that maybe we should "take down the photos in your home" of "Daddy" living as a male, and replace them with me as Chloe, their "other" Mom.

Actually, we have both male and female photos of me on the wall. I've never hid or wanted to hide the fact that I was Transgendered from my kids. I wanted them to grow up knowing what I use to look like before and the way I am now. The result from that is our children know more about being Transgendered than the average person does... and that's a good thing. I do not shelter my children from knowledge. Instead, I give it to them in doses they can understand and are age appropriate.

They "get it". They understand in detail that:

"Gender is a form of expression; when we are born, our body parts are assigned to us at random - We have no control over that as individuals. BUT, we do have control over how we live our lives. Transition is the process of making personal adjustments to better suit how one feels on the inside to be reflected on the outside... it helps individuals live a more happy, fulfilling life by improving how others will interact with them and how they interact with others."

At ages 4, my children understood that - amazingly enough, adults of all ages still don't.

Rene and I asked little Barry why he was "Mad and Sad," and he said he felt that way NOT because his Daddy left him, but because I was gone for a month in Thailand and he missed me while I was gone. We also asked him about why he said we hit him with sticks, he said he didn't know and thought that is what they wanted to hear. The fact is we do discipline our children, but we do NOT spank them - being accused of this was devastating to both Rene and I. Our kids have never known their father - they only know of a life with 2 mom's. The concept is foreign to them, but the social imposing ideal that they MUST have a Dad is starting to show signs of strain on them. This is just another example of it.

The long and short of this conversation that came from the meeting with the school was, that they wanted to convey that: They had noted a problem with our kids behavior and that they wanted to get it on record, and had done so. When asked if this had “Anything to do with the Latch-Key situation,” they looked stunned and bewildering, saying, “What are you talking about?”

That’s when Rene and I knew what we were dealing with here. Rather than taking any responsibility for the negligence of the Latch-Key Teacher, they instead played the Trans-Card. All they needed was to brush dirt up on us by interviewing our kids, looking for ANYTHING…

Now, it looks like we are the one’s retaliating by noting in our meeting that there was such an issue with the Latch-Key Teacher!

Un-f*cking believable!

A Dress to Remember

2008-10-23T00:43:00.000-04:00

I just loved this dress so much...

For many, the Southern Comfort Conference (SCC) in Atlanta, Georgia is a "Coming Home" for those who found themselves among family for the first time. For others, it's a place we can step out of our mirrors and into reality to leave ones former reflection behind.

This was my second SCC conference - Like the year before, I met many new friends and a few from the year before. There are many people who will make an impression on you - some good and some unexpected.

This year I met a new friend that changed the way I feel about myself that went beyond any cure a surgeon or therapist could ever unlock... It was the gift of "sisterhood of the soul".

Well, turns out this dress was the catalyst that would lead to our first conversation. I REALLY loved this dress -AND- so did she; so much so that I ended up giving her the dress!

I had just bought this dress not more than 1 week or so before SCC - it was not the most unique dress or even close to "cat walk" special - but, being a 36DD, you take ANY dress that will fit you; especially when it fits you as well as this one did. (Actually, this was only the 2nd time I had worn it.)

A gentleman near by in the Hotel lounge took this picture of me wearing my special dress for what would be the last time. It was my hope I could go back home and find another one in my size. Well, I DID go back home and I DID find another dress... the same size and color... but, at the last moment, I put the dress back...

Instead, I drove back home and put this picture in a frame from my SCC week in September. Now each time I see it , I can think back to that special person who will live within the walls of my heart, and as the dress to remember.

-Chloe

After thought: Is there someone that has touched your heart in some immeasurable way? Its amazing what the gift of a dress can do for you... and will bring to others. Show them you care - go out of your way - make them a priority for no reason at all... surprise them on the first Sunday morning of the month and give them the gift of love that can only be exchanged the way 2 women can understand.

Grieving One Last Time

2008-10-18T16:41:00.012-04:00

Post-op 1 Month: A strange feeling came over me like no other... during the first month while in Thailand, I felt a mosaic of new and strange "truths" settle upon me. One of them was so "unexplainable", that is, until I received the following letter from a F2M TS TransMan friend of mine.

-------------Begin Letter-----------

Hi Chloe,

Here is a thought about what you said about feeling better after the SRS.....

Do you think that YOU might be grieving the loss of "Ted"? I know that we are so happy to get things right as far as our brains and our mirrors, but it doesn't mean that you wouldn't miss the person that you were - ya know what I mean?? When I left work just before my chest surgery I found it VERY strange that I burst out in tears and had to go around to all of my good work friends and hug them goodbye as (former female name), one last time. That emotion really weirded me out as I thought I was so happy to be getting rid of "her" to become "him".

I wish for you peace of heart my friend,

Always,
(Name removed)

-------------End Letter-------------

My friend had hit the nail on the head - I was remorseful for the loss of Ted. It was strange... for so long I had tried to distance myself from that identity, there was a moment in time that was like free falling, where you see your old self and the new at the same time, saying good bye to one another. The bondage of being Ted was something familiar and easy to hide behind - no more would that be possible. As confident as I was in my choice even then, a disturbance in my heart had immobilized me with fear for almost a month...

...there was no going back. I'm Chloe.

Then the tears ran... and ran and ran....

I'm Chloe.

This is not something that is easy to describe... but I think its important to document that (at least with me), there was a moment where I felt sorry for "Ted", because he had no chance... In the end, Ted awoke for the last time to realize, "he" was the ghost in the movie now and Chloe was actually the one alive...

-Chloe

Leave a Blog Comment
CLICK HERE

My Wife, Bob

2008-09-22T17:00:00.013-04:00

I often wonder sometimes how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot - that being, that, if one night, my wife would have come to bed, got under the sheets and surprised me wearing Men's Briefs and genitalia to compliment them. Could I be ok with that, if it were me?

Lets take it a step further and add in Male hormones, a boy hair cut, facial hair and she would now like YOU to address her, as "him" - a "man" named Bob.

I have talked with hundreds of M2F cross dressers and transsexuals, and one of the things that I find that most (but not all) have overwhelmingly in common, is that they identify as heterosexual, or Trans-Lesbian. I wonder how any of these people (or anyone, for that matter) would feel if their wife came home and said, “I think I am man”.

If you’re Transgendered, try to imagine for one second that your not. Now imagine your beautiful wife that you fell in love with - and all her femininity that balances your masculinity, is now being offset by her’s. Think about your first company picnic, where you bring your wife and all your co-workers and even your boss is first exposed to your “spouse”, Bob. Could you deal with having to be forced to appear as a homosexual Gay man?

Better question: Could you perform sexually and stay committed emotionally to a man. I’m not talking about TG issues here. I am talking about if you were just an every day, run of the mill American Male, COULD YOU DO IT? Could you stay with a woman that transitioned fully, Post-Op into a Male? That is to say, that we presume she wants to stay with you, and not pursue a female to live or marry after she transitions. How would you feel when your wife, now a male, goes out and starts getting looked at or picked up by women - How would you feel about her/him taking lots of videos and photos and posting them all over the internet with you or your children in them? Can you imagine that? What if she/he spent all his time online talking to God knows who about God knows what.... while you are all alone in your room... would you question your self worth? How would all this effect your dignity?

These are the things we ask of our spouses when we begin to cross the gender divide.

Personally, I will admit, after thinking long and hard on this question, I could not. This is where I find myself to be weak and shallow. At the end of the day, when the truth be told, I fell in love with my wife FIRST because she was a complete babe! I got to know her over the course of time and even fall in love with her – But it was her Red hair and 36C Chest that caused me to run red lights!

I did not begin my marriage thinking I would transition – I accepted that both of us would get old and grey and I could accept her, no matter what – in sickness and in health; even if that included being overweight, or otherwise. However, it goes with out saying that NO ONE bargains or even fathoms that their spouse will change their gender. So when you think “in sickness and in health”, you never really allow yourself to think that may mean gender variance too.

Maybe its my heightened sense of femininity that makes me shutter that if I was still living as Ted, and my wife Rene wanted to be Bob, how HARD that would be on everyone – Myself included. Of course, living as a Female now, I would be perfectly ok with being married to a man, as that compliments my femininity... {dares to dream} *sigh*

I know this is a double standard – I KNOW I am a hypocrite. Still, it seems to me that being a lesbian in this world is more widely tolerated than being a homosexual male. People can deal with giving into femininity, especially when it’s a woman giving into it – but I have yet to see where anyone “other than Gay men” want to see 2 men kissing. There are no “Guys Gone Wild” videos of young sexy college Co-Ed’s kissing in the shower (At least not to my knowledge). Can you imagine that?... A woman going around with a camera to construction sites and sunny beaches asking men to lift up their shirts - or for that matter, TAKE A SHOWER? lol

My wife has admitted to me very candidly, that if our children were not in the scenario, she’d be gone. (yeah, it leaves a horrible feeling in my gut). But can you blame her? I used too… now… I am not so sure.

In the beginning I used to tell myself “I am the same person, what’s the big deal?” Well, it IS a big deal. Weather you’re a man or a woman, when people get married, their masculine or feminine persona is part of the exterior contract that goes with the vows – and it goes with out saying. A woman marries a man because they expect to live a heterosexual life and vice versa.

Of course I thought about these things LONG before I transitioned – but they just didn’t seem to click. That was, until I had a nightmare a few weeks back. In the Nightmare, I was again my Male heterosexual self, Ted. My wife and I were on our way to a meeting – the meeting was in a dim lit basement of someone’s home and everyone there was a man. After socializing for a few minutes, I realized my wife was nowhere to be found among all these men. I searched for what seemed like all night, asking everyone “have you seen my wife?” – They just laughed, looking puzzled… It wasn’t until the end of the night that I finally realized, the guy with the short red hair, was my Wife, Bob…

-Chloe

Leave a Blog Comment
CLICK HERE

Ready, Set: Strut!

2008-08-22T00:27:00.022-04:00

What do you do when you’re feeling so gross? Motivation can take a back seat when your feeling so run down.

It’s important that we stop and shop a pantyhose sale once and a while… lol It had been so long since I had wore hose – the other day I slipped some on to see if I had a run in them… I did. But it got me thinking, “I need to clean this drawer out”… and sure enough, I started looking at all my clothes and wasting a whole after noon organizing them… which inspired me to think…. "I need to get out and STRUT!!

I have been feeling pretty “homely” lately. Three months of recovery has taken its toll on me. I haven’t “felt” attractive for some time now. I think this is because I have not been able to really get out and go full tilt GLAM like I enjoy doing once and a while… well, that time is nearing.

Looking over my MySpace page photos, I had to ask myself, “Where did all those fun times go”?

Question: What do you do to make yourself feel better when you do not feel attractive or at your best?

Me? I miss playing with my hair – seems everything has gotten so damn serious lately… I just want to paint my nails… you can have the drama world…

…and, any one that doesn’t like it, can hold my purse!

Photo Above – Me eating {gulp}, “Deep-fried Cheesecake” at the Erie Days fair in Erie PA. Whoever invented this stuff must have said, “Gee, I want to have a heart attack, but don’t want to wait in line…” The “evidence” was photographed by Laura Miller… Thanks girl… I owe you one…

(Below are some comments I ported over from my old Yahoo 360 Blog)

Sometimes when we attain things we've strived for for so long, there can be a bit of a "let down", goal attained and all that. I'm so happy for you that you finally attained what you wanted for so long. Take heart though...it seems you're such an inspiration for so many of the other girls on here.

-Matt FM

Friday August 22, 2008 - 02:49am (EDT)

Looks like you are working diligently on getting over the "hump" of the let down that was bound to come with everything you've been through lately. Just get through each day as best you can. And I've had the friend cheesecake and honestly can't think of a better way to work my way through a problem! Keep smiling that pretty smile....

-Debby

Friday August 22, 2008 - 05:35am (EDT)

When I'm feeling down I tend to eat or sleep! Looking at the photo you've mastered the first one of those, and with that smile you look good enough to eat too!!

-Davinia Hilton

Friday August 22, 2008 - 11:11am (BST)

My secret make-myself-feel-better activity? (grin) Coloring! Yep, I have the big 96 box of crayolas and my own coloring books. I happily discovered you can order beautiful more grown-up type coloring books off amazon. Mine tend to be girly, LOL...unicorns, fairies, carousel horses, etc.

Whatever makes you feel better, happier, less stressed, and helps you be kinder and gentler with yourself is a good thing! :)

-Kathy Childress

Friday August 22, 2008 - 02:16pm (EDT)

Chloe, your beautiful just the way you are. You are my hero girl, I hope to grow up one day and be like you! And as for feeling better, an Instyle, glass of wine and a bubble bath would be my perscription. Luv ya! ;)

-Allyson Morgan

Friday August 22, 2008 - 07:12pm (CDT)

What can I possibly say? It's not going to be bliss every day; but that doesn't mean it can't be bliss some days. How's that?

-Stephanie Yates

Saturday August 23, 2008 - 12:06am (EDT)

I ate that fried cheesecake too and I think it is still with me ten days later! It was delicious though! Great seeing you again in Columbus this past weekend. Sounds like you and Tara had a blast.

Hugs,

-Melissa Alexander

Monday August 25, 2008 - 08:49am (EDT)

Hi Girl,,,,,You looked great in Columbus hon.It does do you good to get out and let loose once in a while. We all need it.Keep having fun when ever you can.

Hugs,

-Paula White

Monday August 25, 2008 - 06:26pm (EDT)

u look good :) Why doesn't yer fone number work anymore??

-Karen

Monday August 25, 2008 - 10:29pm (CDT)

Today I did a great thing for lifting my spirits... went to the nail salon. A little pampering by cute Asian girls goes a long way! Tomorrow... shopping for shoes.

-Angel

Wednesday August 27, 2008 - 08:26pm (PDT)

Leave Your Comment
HERE

4 Sale: New in Box - American Dream

2008-08-14T10:49:00.013-04:00

There is a disease in this country and indeed the world. – that disease is ignorance, and it’s spreading at an exponential rate. Each day we give up our rights and we accept it. We give up our jobs and accept less in life and we do nothing but move on. As the quality of our life degrades so does our expectations and tolerance for others so we conceded rights and hard fought for liberties in order to hold onto our DVD collections and ability to download illegal MP3 playlists from LimeWire.

What the hell is happening to us?

America used to have an economic cherry. From where I stand, it seems in the past 10 years alone, that cherry has been sold down the river in lieu of $40,000+ SUV's and Plasma TV. While America Blogs, surfs for Internet porn, checks fantasy football stats or goes virtual garage sale shopping on eBay, India and China are taking up our slack –AND- their doing it for pennies on the dollar.

To my many over seas friends – this Blog is not meant to take aim at you – it is meant to point out that we American’s have given away our way of life that has supported us for the last century. I know many people in the UK who say that their jobs are at risk or have been taken away too.

In the last 3 years I have watched the demographics of households change right before my eyes. The family across the street from me was the first – The husband lost his job because China bought up the steal factory, dismantled it and moved it to China – they kept him on long enough to train his own replacement over seas and help move the factory onto the boat.

The next to go was the gentleman behind me – He worked for Steiner. Steiner makes lawn equipment and other power tools – those jobs are all over seas now.

The next to go was the man next to me – he worked for GMAC. He was a district manager and they replaced him with “Seasonal work force” from over seas. Every 6 months a replacement manager will be brought over to work his job and sent back to the over seas GMAC subsidiaries. GMAC also owned his home and now, every 6 months, we get a new neighbor. The latest family living there are Egyptians and they will be there until the next replacement comes.

Joining these people will be my wife Rene – her Job was just out sourced to India as well. They gave her notice that her position will be terminated come this November. They are sending 35 people from India to train with her and her co-workers over the next few weeks. They will show them how to do their jobs. Rene has already begun hunting for another job. By the way, the 35 people will replace over 100 America workers working for less than 1/10 of what Americans made and their employer will NOT have to pay 401k’s, Medical benefits or workman’s comp and disability claims or premiums.

Disease IS spreading – but the disease is not our over seas competitors – its our own laziness and ignorance to do something about it. Working for the phone company, I go into many businesses and homes each day. During my 9 year Tenure, I have heard 1000’s of stories JUST LIKE those above. Adding to that, the many people out of work I have talk to online and read about in the newspaper.

I don’t have the answer to fix this – other than we need to get back to basics here in the USA. For me, that means carefully choosing whom I do business with. Utilities companies – Credit cards, food, restaurants – EVERYTHING, I am going to do my best to see to it that my business is kept local as best I can to support the local economy.

I am going to work to spend less on Gas, utilities and products NOT made in the USA. (as best I can). I’m also going to carefully consider whom I choose to vote for in elections and make sure that their priority and loyalties are to the American working families.

The American kitchen cabinets are almost bare. The country is almost in the toilet – if you have money, land and investments, you may not be feeling the pinch – but trust me, many people ARE… and those people are a lot worse off than me or my wife. Some of these people have been unemployed for years and have way more education than I do.

At night I pray….

…Lord, America is almost broke. We need some help here:

People are starving in the unemployment line; soldiers are dying for rich men’s oil drilling rights on foreign shores; American homes are being foreclosed faster than being built; business are closing up and moving away; dignity is for sale online at Monster.com and faith in our government has turned into fear; Our hero’s are in comic books; Children have forgotten how to play tether ball and 4 square because Wii hasn’t digitized the game yet; The elderly freeze for prescriptions instead and predatory reverse mortgage lenders stand waiting with a pen like the big bad wolf outside their door; Planes fly into buildings and complete cities have been flooded leaving still today 10’s of thousands homeless in the street, 4 years later.

Where are our priorities?

Where are our hero’s?

Where is our salvation?

How can we save the world when we can’t save ourselves – and who put us in charge of that in the first place?

Our high wage earning jobs are being given to China and India and our low paying jobs are given to illegal Mexicans. Our social security and now or Medicare system is being put up for grabs for use by the illegal’s. I'm not against Mexicans working - lets just make them legal so they can contribute to the system from which they burden or wish to draw upon.

There are more Baby-Boomer's getting ready to retire that will cause a crash in the Medicare system. They are NOT handing down their fathers business, farms and legacies – those are for sale so they can continue to vacation and live “the life” their fathers never had and the life their children will never have either.

51% of our wages go to the government now before we even get our pay checks and another 9% will go into their hands when we buy something with those wages – another 7- 15% will go into their hands when we die. So build more roads… hire more Post office workers and print up more useless junk mail for them to deliver.

When I was child, my mom use to yell at me – SHUT THE DOOR or you’ll let out all the cool air we paid for and the bugs will fly in – then the house will get hot and be filled with flies.

"AMERICANS: SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!!"

It starts with –YOU- !!

Blog Comments:

Couldn't have said it better myself!

-Matt FM

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 04:25am (EDT)

Amen to that, Sister. America needs a wake up call and damn soon or there isn't going to be any America to worry about anymore.

-Debby

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 06:32am (EDT)

Hi Chloe,

It's just as bad here in the UK.We used to be proud nation leading the way in social policy,education and healthcare.Now we are the most watched nation on the planet.We have cameras everywhere watching our every move while the poorer get poorer and the richer get richer.We have one of the worst literacy rates in the developed world so what hope is there for our youngsters.Unemployment is up,home repossessions are up,house prices are falling,more businesses are being liquidated,food is dearer every week we go shopping,utilities prices are up 35% from last year and we out source more and more work to the far east too.

Like you I don't have the answers ~ like you I try and give my business to local companies.What I do know is if we are not careful our countries will become the dependant ones,the cestpits full of miserable,discontented people.We must wake up before it's too late.

Great blog Chloe. Love,

-Kelly McDonald, UK.

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 12:33pm (BST)

Remember that saying about closing the gate after the horse is gone? This has been going on a very long time. America sold out to the global plutocrats for a line of credit back when Ronnie RayGuns conned the electorate by wrapping himself in the flag and saying jesus at odd and inappropriate moments. Funny how only when the bills comes due do people see the con.

-Teresa Amina

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 07:16am (CDT)

Chloe, I hear you, and I'm worried, too.
Hippies, beatniks and Dylan have been crowing for years; the times they are a-changin'.
Perhaps Americans need to be more self-reliant, in the Amish sense.
But it seems all we want to be is cool, in the pop-culture sense.
"We don't need no education," or so the cool song went (before factories moved abroad!)

Stanford-Binet IQ tests are criticised for being uni-dimensional and culturally biased. Maybe so, but the fact remains, in western cultures, the average Stanford-Binet IQ is 100,
and a score of 120 is considered in the gifted range (un-cool... nerdy, even!)
In Asian cultures, Stanford-Binet IQ scores of 120 are average. (Beaten at our own test!)
So, perhaps we've yet to see, who is "cool" and who is not!
Stay tuned, as fat and sassy westerners attempt to compete with lean and hungry neighbors, in this modern global-village.

-Buffy Orion

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 11:05am (EDT)

I'm afraid it's worse than we even know. Consider if you will that the majority of our nations industries are Public institutions where ownership is traded on the worldwide exchanges. We send over 700 Billion a year to countries that hate us so we can fuel what remains of our economy. They, in turn, buy majority stakes in US based businesses either directly or though surrogates to control the continued flow of funds as economies shift. If we shift to alternatives they are influential enough to direct the path. Even domestic wealth is not immune from deception Consider T.Boone Pickens and his current "Green Initiatives. He states he's an oil Man but advocates wind power in the plains where he is a majority landowner using Windmill Technology his companies manufacture. In addition most of his current oil industry holdings are Natural Gas which he advocated for transportation use.

Answers? Your's is a good one but knowing who owns the businesses we consider local is an exercise in international intrigue. Just because it's sold as local produce doesn't mean it's not grown my a subsidiary of ADM.

'Tis a puzzle

-LoriAnne Blake

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 01:55pm (EDT)

As Kelly says above, it's not just the US suffering from the problem!! The USA may be "almost in the toilet", but in Britain we've gone round the U-bend and someone's about to press flush!!

As Teresa Amina says the origins of this disaster goes right back to the early 1980s with Maggie Thatcher over here and Ronald the Ray-gun over there! Remember the strap line for the film 'Wall-street'? It was "Greed is good" as the mess we're in so well shows - IT ISN'T!!!

This is a pet subject of mine, I'm currently at University doing a degree in 'Community Regeneration and Development' so I'm fully aware of how bad things are for the more disadvantaged in our society. I could go on for page after page, but I'd better give someone else a turn!!!

And when the sea level around the world starts to rise, wiping out countries such as Bangladesh and most of the World's major capital cities,may I remind you that a Texan oil man was in was in charge of what was the world's most powerful country from 2000 to 2008!!??

-Davinia Hilton

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 09:54pm (BST)

Valid points and well made. It's frightening, for sure. I work in higher education and we are feeling times get harder (and jobs less certain) all the time. Burying our heads in the sand isn't going to make it go away.

-Kathy Childress

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 06:29pm (EDT)

Deary, I think I will take that with a grain of salt, coming as it does from someone who drives a German-made SUV :-)

-JamieGottaGun

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 10:06pm (EDT)

Your right Jamie, I DO own a German made vehicle - I have no excuse except to plead insanity - by far THE WORST vehicle I have ever owned! Serves me right. If it counts for anything, I also bought it 4 years used and I DO own a Chevy s10 ss and a Saturn compact as well.

Hey look over there.... CANDY!!!

*slithers away in shame*

-Chloe Prince

Friday August 15, 2008 - 12:43am (EDT)

Great post! This country has serious problems.

As the late, great George Carlin sad on "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" a few months ago, "this country is finished".

No one questions anything. No one seems to be willing to fight for anything. They are afraid of authority. When the cops defend the corporations and the wealthy by any means when the majority have legitimate grievances, people cower.

One of the problems is NAFTA. It has made shipping jobs overseas very easy. A representative from your state, Dennis Kucinich, has fought against it. He has declared over and over that NAFTA needs to be trashed. Unfortunately most people in a position to get rid of NAFTA do not have the balls Dennis has.

Buying local is a great idea. There are so many farmers markets that buying veggies and other foods from local producers is easy. Depending on where a person lives, there may be plenty of locally owned businesses. I live in the city, so there are plenty of those. I haven't found that many in suburbia.

There is a field that can not be outsourced: railroads! A person in India can not drive the train from Cincinnati to Cleveland! A person is Mexico can not repair the tracks in Pittsburgh. I wonder how well railroads would mind having a transitioning transsexual in the engineer's seat?

-Patricia Rieger

Friday August 15, 2008 - 11:48pm (EDT)

Try living here in Michigan we are in a depression here. Its time to think outside the box. Its time to get rid of NAFTA and GATT. Its time for globalism to end and be near isolationist again. Its also time for the jo six pack attitude to end amongst most Americans. I don't see much improvement about to happen. The John Birchers were wright.

-Steffi Pawloski

Monday August 18, 2008 - 12:07am (EDT)

We, personally, did not do a damn thing about the decline of America....other than this....

**We allow our elected represenatives to do whatever they wanted to do without accountability on our part;
**We got used to our cable TV, allowing BoxMarts to invade our towns destroying downtown USA and Mom & Pops or the local 5&Dime Store;
**We liked our BIG CARS that guzzled gas cause we were keeping up with the Jones';
**We lost sight our mores, our sense of local, state and national responsibility;
**We're more interested in PSP2 and XBox and how well we can kill another via video;
**We've forgotten to give back to the land that has given to us;
**We think America is the leader of the World (which we're not, we just occupy this planet just like everyone else);
**We've forgotten or ignore tolerance of other world cultures and religions;
**We dislike illegal aliens, yet we let 1-2 million accross our border every year;
**We want the American Dream that our parents and/or grandparents had - to get rich or well to do, but in this day and age, the rich/well to do don't consider the consequences of their actions;
**and so on, and so on, and so on...

Bottom line - we need to go back to basics. BIG TIME. Not tomorrow, but NOW. From education, to politics, to national service, to pride in ourselves in our society and in America. It is time to get the Corporations out of Government and put it back into the hands of, dare I say, "We The People".

-Monique Monet

Monday August 18, 2008 - 08:06pm (EDT)

We are in a recession, although the politicians, and a majority of the republican friends I have keep telling me that we are not. They site the "fact" that we had .01% growth. Sad. They also tell me that unemployment is not as bad as it was in past years. I try to explain to them how the numbers can and are manipulated or things get conveniently left out of the calculation. Like unemployment, they only count those that are collecting, after their unemployment runs out they are magically removed from the count. Michigan is in a depression, GM is close to bankruptcy as is Ford, and the surrounding states are hurting as well. The H1B visa continues to allow more and more foreigners into this country to take American jobs, and the government continues to allow increases in the amount of them. In the last year of my employment with HP , I worked to get the Clorox company in California to have outsourced computer administration, replacing over 20 Americans, Americans that had families and bills to pay.

The irony is that the same work I did in the elimination of their jobs also was put into place within HP to totally outsource their managed services department. I worked myself out of a job. There have been job opportunities that I have turned down, jobs that would have been very good money, because I just will not do that type of work ever again, better I be hurting then to inflict that pain on many others. I am sure someone will do the job, but, it will not be me and I will sleep better at night. It is time for everyone to take some form of action. Write to your reps and let them know that the war is wrong and the troops need to come back now, that the economy is the big picture and needs to be fixed fast. Try to do what you can with buying local, but as many above have stated, it is hard to distinguish what is behind the corporate logo and their clever ways to hide and disguise the truth and put a spin on any questionable practice.
Oh... Don't sweat the vehicle you drive, there really is no such thing as an American car these days, they are all loaded with foreign parts, many even assembled abroad. When you shut the door, make sure your windows are closed too, and, as any T knows... watch your back door!

Breathe Free... Forever,

-Dawn Vorto

Saturday August 23, 2008 - 03:55pm (EDT)

Hey Dawn, thanks for the great comment - by the way, The Mercedes I drive is an ML320 SUV - that vehicle is made and assembled in Alabama, USA!

-Chloe Prince

Sunday August 24, 2008 - 01:25pm (EDT)

Email: Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers

2008-08-12T00:08:00.016-04:00

This came from a friend of mine - normally I don't forward internet chain mail - but this one came to me JUST at the right time and I think it something we all can relate too. I don't want to spoil it with my thoughts but I would be interested to know how it affects you..... so what do you think?

---Begin Email---

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.??

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'??

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said,'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

---End Email---

Blog Comments:

Nice little parable: know your priorities--what matters most in life. Make time for the big things that really matter; the lesser things need to get done, but don't get bogged down in them. All too often we try and loose ourselves in the minor and mundane (pebbles and sand) things in life. And never forget the importance of friendship.

-SMJ

Monday August 11, 2008 - 10:16pm (PDT)

Wow, what an insightful thing to do - it has certainly got me thinking you need to prioritize things the right way so you don't get ahead of yourself. I suppose, thanks Chloe - I think I needed that.

-Leah M.

Tuesday August 12, 2008 - 03:40pm (EST)

I agree with Sissy. What a wonderful parable to help me "keep my eye on the sparrow," as the gospel song says it...

-Deedee

Tuesday August 12, 2008 - 01:54am (EDT)

Stephen Covey uses that too in "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" He leaves out the beer though. I like it better with the beer.

http://en.wikipedia.orgwiki/The_Seven_Habits_of_Highly_Effective_People

-April B.

Monday August 11, 2008 - 11:01pm (PDT)

Then one of the students raised his hand and said laughing, "But professor...there's still some beer left in the bottles, can I finish those for you?"

Not wanting to look silly due to this oversight in his philosophical demonstration the professor replied, "That simply shows that we have to make choices between the important things in life and having a good time. Sometimes we can't enjoy all that life has to offer us."

An incredibly sexy looking transwoman got up from her seat and slowly walked to the front of the room. The professor stared at her gently bobbing ample breasts as she approached him with her hips swaying back and forth and thought, "Ted sure looks a lot better since that Spring break vacation in Thailand."

The student gently reached into the jar and extracted two golf balls with her long slender fingers tipped with pink nails. She took the professor's hand and pressed the wet dripping golf balls into it and squeezed his fingers around them.

She picked up one of the bottles, put her luscious full lips to the top, took a leisurely sensuous sip, and then emptied the remained beer from it and the other beer bottle into the jar.

The professor, glancing furtively at the exposed cleavage of her low cut blouse, stuttered, "And, ahhhh, wha...wha...what's the point you're trying to make here young lady?"

She gently took the tip of his chin in her fingers and moved the side of his head to her mouth and, as she flicked her tongue in it she whispered, "Sometimes all you need to do is remove a couple balls to enjoy all life has to offer you."

She got an A for the course.

-Cyndy Dee Lite

Tuesday August 12, 2008 - 10:13am (EDT)

Cyndy is so naughty! But she does have a point! LOL

-Amber Darlene

Tuesday August 12, 2008 - 09:26am (CDT)

Cyndy, your the Shizzzz-nit!!!! I love it!

-Chloe

Tuesday August 12, 2008 - 03:27pm (EDT)

I've read this before and thought it to be very profound. I do like Cyndy's ending for it puts a nice twist to it!

-Lana Lane

Tuesday August 12, 2008 - 05:18pm (CDT)

Nice Chloe..thanks for posting!

-Bob

Tuesday August 12, 2008 - 06:29pm (EDT)

Smiles .... mmm wonder where I've seen this b4

Hugs,

-Kelly xx

Thursday August 14, 2008 - 12:44am (BST)

iPhone: It Brought Out The Muse, & Me

2008-07-31T18:51:00.065-04:00

I like to stare out windows for hours at a time - I always have ever since I was a young child.

Here at my door is where I find inspiration looking at the same things I have many times before. The scene never fails to inspire me as it first did when I looked out, many years ago.

I use to muse for hours in the mirror at night too - trying to see the reflection of "something". I never understood this and other day dream fascinations.

After many years, I finally understand what I have been looking for...

... a way home.

Yesterday when I took the photo above with my iPhone, I was thinking back to when I use to stand here at this door, and wish that I were a girl - Now, I am.

As of May 21st 2008, I became a fully Post-Operative, fully functional "woman" when I completed my Genital Reassignment Surgery with Dr. Suporn in Chonburi Thailand.

That's right, I am a Transsexual. I was also born with a Chromosomal variation condition called Klinefelter's Syndrome or (KS), aka: 47 XXY male.

There are many variations of Klinefelter's Syndrome.
My KS variant is: "47 XXY Mosaic.

My Room - 2 Months Post-Op

On the surface, this picture may not be special, but it really speaks a lot about where I am at right now, being 2 Months Post-op from FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) that I under went from Dr. Suporn in Chonburi Thailand.

Here, I sit at my PC at night - Blogging, chatting or emailing online to friends, etc... anything to pass the time. It gets hard to sleep some nights. There is a lot of tightness in the scalp and temples. My head really itches everywhere, especially where they grafted in new hair (See photo notes).

This is my room - at least the clean part I am going to let any of you see right now. {giggles}

(Photo Above) Behind me is a long cork board filled with mementos from friends and people touched by my efforts from PinkEssence and my Blogs online. Thanks everyone who took the time - you've touched my life too. *sigh*

(Photo Left) As you can see in this photo, things are in deed coming along and I'm very pleased with Dr. Suporn's FFS Work to my upper forehead, eyes and hair graft work. This is Post-op 2 months.

Yes, This is my disgustingly dirty desk - Holy crap is it messy! YIKES! (maybe a photo of just how mess it really is? Hmmm? Hey, if it cuts into watching Hogan's Hero's, forget about it.

"I know noth-zing, NOTH-ZING"... "Hogan"!

...and if you believe that, then maybe I can interest you in a slightly used Certificate that officially makes "Chloe Alison Prince" the name of a star in the "Alpha-Beta, Lambda Moo" quadrant for which I've listed for sale on eBay.

Anyway, seriously, all photos here (Except of "The Great Pink One") were taken with my Apple iPhone's 2 Mega-Bit Camera. No fancy Digital or DSLR or SLR camera; no professional make-up or lights... just me .

When I look at these photos, it seems hard to imagine I was the cover girl for "PinkEssence".

When I took this famous photo, I had no idea where I was headed - that picture by the way has scored well over 13 million hits combined with my various sites, groups and Blogs. It has appeared in Lady Like and Pretty TGirls Magazines adding to make it one of the most popular and recognizable Transgendered iconic photos in the world. (Who knew...)

That was 2006

Today, July 30th 2008, 2 months after my SRS procedures, its taken me awhile to remember... ...remember that the girl in that PinkEssence photo was a product of many things: Lighting, make-up, corsets, Photoshop and professional stylists. It's a neat shot, and I love it... but its not the REAL me; The photo's taken on my iPhone today, is...

I understand, now, that I can be that "made-up Chloe of PinkEssence" anytime... and I can make as many photos of me look fabulous also, any time. But this is the REAL me... and this is what I am most proud of... to finally be happy that my true reflection matches the way I have always felt and thought in my brain.

Still, like most any other genetic woman, I will of course work to delay the effects of Mother-nature and Father-time -But- I do so for vanity of personal perfection and fun ONLY - NOT because I am uncomfortable with the incongruencey of my gender and my reflection - *THAT* no longer bothers me, nor HOW I arrived in the sisterhood of women... it matters to me only that I HAVE finally arrived... fully aligned - mind, body and soul.

I was and still am very lucky - but many aren't and later commit suicide because they can no longer cope without understanding, care and support from family, friends and their employers. I am still working on acceptance with some people in my life, but I was lucky in the fact that I have no shortage of people that rushed in to catch me when I fell, then stood me back up and pointed me in the right direction.

Behold, a Transgendered survivor - proof that Sexual Reassignment Surgery IS a cure for some of us - it was for me. A cure in that, I no longer feel different (or even like a transsexual); I just feel like... me... just Chloe.

It wasn't easy - It took 4 years and over $70K to accomplish, not to mention all the money that my employer paid out for me to be on disability (Thank God) while I transitioned.

I would NOT be alive today had I not transitioned surgically... no doubt I would have succumb to the demons so many other Pre-Operative Transsexuals do... Thank you to all those that have helped me to get here - especially to my guardian angle - AND to those that stood by me, and even bigger hugs to those that came back... To those that have not, know that, I am always here until you are ready to be here with me.

"I did it Mom & Dad... I beat this Gendered Dysphoria. Your child is alive and I'm finally free..

...and I'm finally, coming home."

Now, and forever - your daughter,
-Chloe

PS: Thailand Pictures

Many have asked for me to post my photos of my Transition journey in Thailand. I have begun adding those photos into my "Sets" of photo's on Flickr. Please take a look, and keep checking back, cause I am still adding them in as I process them. Thailand and surgical Photos can be seen by following the links below.

The Suporn Clinic
www.flickr.com/photos/chloeprince/sets/72157605138919369/

The Mercure Hotel in Chonburi Thailand (Where I stayed at):
www.flickr.com/photos/chloeprince/sets/72157605096502334/

Photos of surgery, results and adventure in Thailand:
www.flickr.com/photos/chloeprince/sets/72157605516829119/

-LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW-